CHAPTER 8

Secrets and SECRETS

What happens to these secrets, these painful memories that we continue to hold inside? What happens to them?

—Echo Bodine

There are two kinds of secrets: those that are conscious and those that are unconscious. In this chapter we will examine both kinds and see how each affects our lives. First, let's take a look at how damaging consciously kept secrets can be.

A good friend of mine called recently. She was very upset because the youth pastor at her church had just committed suicide. She asked me if I would use my psychic abilities to see his soul clairvoyantly. She wanted some help in understanding why a popular, thirty-four-year-old pastor would lie beneath the exhaust pipes of his brand-new truck and take his own life. She said that this man had always been there for everyone. He seemed to love life and have everything going for him. These seem to be the standard remarks made about most people who commit suicide. While not everyone who has these traits commits suicide, it does seem to be the profile of people who never show they are in pain.

I was surprised that I was able to psychically tune in to this man so soon after his death. As soon as I closed my eyes, there he was in all of his pain. I saw, with the help of John, my spirit guide, that this man had been sexually abused as a young boy by two men close to him. One was his father; the other was his pastor. He grew up feeling very guilty and ashamed. He felt like a sinner, a very bad sinner. One of the major reasons he had gone into the clergy was to cleanse himself of his dirtiness. He never told anyone about being sexually abused; he was too ashamed. He felt that he was to blame for what had happened to him. Since becoming a pastor, he also had been entrusted with other people's secrets, and now he had more pain than he could bear. He wanted relief.

I asked John why the pastor had chosen suicide, instead of getting some professional help. John said that the man had been hopeful that getting out of his body and going to Heaven would rid him of his emotional pain. However, he found that once he got there, the pain was still with him. Also, he now felt guilty about the choice he had made to take his own life.

This young pastor had spent his entire life in the grips of a consciously kept secret, protecting two men he loved very much—men who had hurt him deeply.

As strange as it might seem, this man's choice was not unusual. Many clients I have seen over the years consciously choose to hang on to their pain. They remember the sexual, physical, or emotional abuse that has been done to them, and they know who the perpetrator was. But in no way are they ready to let their secret out.

They tell me it was too embarrassing, too humiliating. They don't want to hurt the person who hurt them. They protect, and in some cases go so far as to defend, their victimizer rather than let the secret out. What happens to these conscious secrets, these painful memories that we continue to hold inside? Do our memory banks store them safely and neatly for us, where they can do no harm to us or anyone else? Or is it possible that we store them somewhere in our bodies? And if so, could they possibly be the seeds of physical illness?

Do yourself a favor. Don't minimize the pain that was done to you. I believe that your secrets will chip away at the your physical body until you get some therapeutic help for the emotional pain and medical help for the physical pain. Release them and refuse to protect or defend those who may have caused you harm. Our secrets, particularly those secrets that are harboring pain, are all sitting inside our bodies.

What about those secrets in which you were the perpetrator, and someone else was the victim? Those also wreak havoc with your physical well-being. You may have stolen something from a friend or family member. You may have witnessed something hurtful done to you or someone else. You may have overheard someone telling a lie. You may have cheated someone. You may have abused a person or an animal, or had someone abuse you. You may think your secret has been cleverly tucked away, until it suddenly springs to mind the moment something triggers the memory. Until you release it—by talking about it openly to a confidant or in therapy—it will hide in your body, doing its physical damage.

Secrets We Keep from Ourselves

As I stated earlier, there are two kinds of secrets: those we keep from others (conscious) and those we keep from ourselves (unconscious). Secrets we keep from ourselves are difficult, but not impossible, to uncover. I believe that the body gives us many indications, often in the form of physical symptoms, which can help us get in touch with these secrets and let them out.

Your stored secrets are not necessarily the roots of all your physical problems, but they are going to cause some kind of physical or emotional problems. Your body does not need to be a dumping ground for other people's secrets or your own. It's vital to your health to summon all those secrets from their hiding places in your body.

To become aware of your unconscious secrets, begin by noting in your journal any recurring physical problems. Identifying the physical problems won't necessarily reveal your hidden secrets to you, so don't try to immediately figure them out. I was in denial for a long time before I admitted that there could be a connection between my physical problems and the secrets I was keeping.

To begin opening up to the secrets you are holding inside, just be still for a minute and focus on your body. What pains are you aware of right now? For what physical problems have you recently consulted a doctor? Think about the last five to ten years of your life. What were your recurring physical problems? If you were in an accident that resulted in long-term health issues, write these down as well.

When I thought about revealing secrets I was keeping inside, I feared getting into trouble or being called a “tattletale.” Revealing secrets that you have held on to for years can be terrifying. You may find it easier to release your secrets in a safe setting, such as with a counselor or a trusted friend.

If you're still feeling stuck about disclosing your secrets, ask yourself why it's so scary. What do you think would happen if you did write down that secret? Would you be punished? Who would punish you? Why are you protecting yourself or the person whose secret you are holding? Don't get down on yourself if you're feeling afraid. Be gentle with yourself!

Sharing the secret means it is a secret no longer, and it is freed from your body forever. When the secret is no longer left inside, the burden of holding it in will be gone or greatly reduced, and along with it, the pain or illness it may have caused.

Journal Work

Exercise 1

Releasing Your Own Secrets

Begin this exercise by putting a line down the middle of a fresh page in your healing journal, making two columns. Label the first column “Conscious Secrets Stored Inside”; label the second column “Physical Aches/Pains.”

Sitting in a comfortable position, take three or four deep breaths, breathing in clarity and blowing out tension and fear. Ask your body to bring to your conscious mind the secrets you are keeping inside. Write down in the first column of your journal, under “Conscious Secrets Stored Inside,” whatever comes to mind. As the memories of these secrets surface, note how your body feels and record these in the column labeled “Physical Aches/Pains.”

Exercise 2

Releasing Other People's Secrets

Divide a new page in your journal into two columns, this time labeling the first column “Other People's Secrets”; then label the second column, as before, “Physical Aches/Pains.”

Record in the first column the secrets that other people have asked you to hold for them or which you feel you must keep for them. Notice how your body reacts as you bring each one to mind. Write these reactions down in the second column, “Physical Aches/Pains.”

Take a break after completing this exercise. Go out and do something light and fun. Take a walk or a bike ride (see chapter 22 for more tips on how to have fun). This will help you to feel more grounded, better focused, centered, and unafraid.

Exercise 3

Getting Help from Your Inner Child

Put a pencil or crayon in your nondominant hand and ask your inner child what secrets it is holding inside. As the adult, comfort and reassure your inner child, as one would do with any child who is feeling afraid. Be loving and gentle. Be understanding and patient. Reassure your inner child that you will protect it so that no one will scold or punish it. Your inner child needs to know that it is safe. It may be necessary to repeat your reassurances several times before you begin to feel your body calming down.

Be sure to supply your inner child with plenty of paper for this exercise. When it finally begins letting the secrets out, they are likely to fill up many pages.

Remember that when your inner child begins to express itself, the critical parent is likely to jump in and be critical or simply deny that any of it is true. You may wish to record these critical parent comments as you go along.

Exercise 4

Creating a Safe Place

When you have completed the above exercises, dialogue with your inner child and ask what it now needs to feel safe. Do what you can to create an emotional atmosphere of safety and love in your mind.

After completing this work, sit back, take a few deep breaths, and relax. Read these words to yourself:

I am an adult now.

I can protect myself.

I will not let any more pain happen to me or my inner child.

Just sit and feel the safety of these words and their promise. Know that what you have said is true.