Your symptoms may not be in your head, but the power to get rid of them may well be.
—Stuart Berger, MD
Sometimes stress and depression go together like a hand in a glove. But not always. So we'll address them separately in this chapter.
What is stress? Stress is your body's reaction to any conflicting or excessive demands placed upon it. Have you ever gone to your doctor with some physical problem, only to have him say: “I can't find anything wrong. It must be stress”? The statement, “it must be stress,” somehow minimizes any physical or emotional problem you may be having. There's also an unspoken message that implies that you should just “cope better” with your life.
Do you ever stop and think how much you go through each day? Each day as you perform your routines, interact with other people, and make decisions for your life and that of others, challenges face you at every turn. Your mind is constantly engaged in thinking through the moment or racing ahead to plan for what must be done next. Your feelings are always operating at some level, too, whether or not you are aware of them.
In the course of a day, there are bill collectors, health emergencies, deaths, accidents, holidays, unexpected work or school assignments, traffic delays, schedules running behind due to circumstances beyond our control, phone lines busy, computers shutting down, threatening mail, the school nurse calling to say that your child needs to come home, long lines at the checkout counter, a flat tire or other car trouble, the bus breaking down, changes in the company management, appointments getting canceled or changed.
Most of us do not realize how much stress we place on our bodies and minds each day. We take life's demands with a grain of salt and scarcely even notice our daily challenges until we become completely exhausted or ill.
The only way for our body to get our attention when it is feeling burned out or stressed to the limit is to send some kind of signal that something is wrong.
I took a stress management class to learn how to cope with stress. In the class, we listed the physical symptoms people experience as a result of stress. Here is a list of the health problems we came up with:
RATING YOUR BURNOUT LEVEL
Often, we don't even recognize the early signs of burnout when they occur. When we're in the middle of it, we're too depleted to see what's happening to us. The following test was derived from the work of Dr. Herbert J. Freudenberger, author of a book entitled Burn Out: The High Cost of High Achievement. Freudenberger coined the term “burnout.”
The Test
Start by looking back over the past six months. Mentally note if there have been any changes at the office, in the family, in your social situations. Have you noticed any changes in yourself or in the way you have been relating to the world around you? Give yourself about thirty seconds to think about each of the following fifteen questions. Then rate yourself on each point according to a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 meaning that you've experienced the most change, 1 meaning the least.
Tally up your total points and roughly rate yourself on the burnout scale below. Keep in mind that this is only a rough approximation, useful as a guide for reducing stress in your life. Don't be alarmed if you get a high stress rating. But don't ignore it, either. Burnout is reversible, no matter how far along it is. But higher ratings suggest that the sooner you start being kinder to yourself, the better.
The Burnout Scale
0–25 Okay. You are handling stress well.
26–35 Pay attention. There are areas of stress you should be reducing or eliminating.
36–50 Caution. You could be a candidate for burnout.
51–65 Trouble. You are burning out.
Over 65 Danger! You are definitely in a dangerous place, one that could threaten your physical and mental well-being.
It is important to find a way to express the pressures and stresses we feel in our lives. Talk about them, whatever they may be. Do you have someone in your family or a close friend who is seriously ill or perhaps even dying? That is a major stress for everyone concerned. Have you got troubles on the job? Problems in a relationship? With your children? Health issues yourself? Roommate problems? How about your finances? Maybe you've got a new baby in the house, or a new pet? Even situations that bring joy can cause extra stress.
We all tend to minimize stress, and it's time to stop doing that! We need to acknowledge its impact on us, mentally and physically. Don't just tell yourself you've got to learn how to cope better.
Healing begins by taking note of the impact stress may be having on our lives. This means not just noticing the stressors themselves, but also our reaction to them. A customer may scream and yell at you because you messed up the order, but how you react to his anger is up to you. If you acknowledge your mistake or defend it without getting uptight, you are far less likely to hold negative feelings in your body. Finishing up business is a wonderful way to minimize the day's stress and prevent it from spilling over from one day into the next.
I would like to suggest that from now on, at the end of each day, you take five minutes and review what has occurred. Are you still holding stress from the day's events in your body? Exactly what happened to cause you to feel stressful? Write it down in your journal. If you don't take stress to bed with you, you will be able to make a fresh start each day.
The concept of living your life one day at a time is a good one. In our Western culture, we are used to jumping ahead; we want to anticipate, to know what's coming around each bend. We want to plan. We want to be ready. We hate not being in control.
Giving up control is one of the strongest ways to promote healing. Try it. Life will become much easier, I promise you!
In my younger years, I suffered from a manic-depressive disorder. That's what the psychological tests have always called it. I had extreme mood swings. When I was manic, I would feel on top of the world. I would talk a lot. I'd feel like shouting or screaming in delight, but there wasn't anything to shout or scream about. You know that feeling when you're small and waiting for Santa Claus or your birthday party or a trip to your favorite amusement park? You feel like you're going to jump out of your skin, you're so excited.
That's what the manic side of my cycle felt like, only more intense. You literally feel like the top of your head is going to fly off with excitement. The good news is that it doesn't last long. The bad news is that you come down. Way down. You crash into the depression part of manic depression. There is nothing in my life that I ever dreaded more than the onset of depression.
For all of you who suffer from depression, who have possibly even considered suicide, I hope you will hear these words. Depression is treatable! You don't have to be a victim of this disease for the rest of your life!
Today as I was trying to prepare myself mentally to write about my old nemesis, I was reading through Depression and Its Treatment by John H. Griest, MD, and James W. Jefferson, MD. I wanted to refresh my memory of the pain that I once thought I would never be able to forget. In the chapter on “What Is Depression,” the authors include a patient's description of her depression. As I was reading her story, flashes of old memories came to me. Old pain, frustration, loneliness. That incredible despair that no one seems to understand unless they have been there. The helplessness. The hopelessness and emptiness. The aloneness of not being able to describe that inner desperation. A past, present, and future that all feel heavy, bleak, and useless.
Reading the story made me feel very afraid. I didn't want to write about depression. I wanted to forget about it and go on to something else. I felt really anxious inside. I was afraid that if I thought about it too much, it would find me again after these many years of being free of it.
I got out my vacuum cleaner and began furiously vacuuming my house. I didn't feel much relief. I decided to mow my grass. I was observing myself go through all of this. One part of me was saying, “Are you crazy? It's ninety degrees outside and you have to get this chapter written!” But there was another part of me that had to get away from my desk and do something physical.
I mowed my lawn as if someone were chasing me. I had headphones on with the music blasting. Memories flooded my mind of past depressions. I felt anger about having gone through all of them. I felt sorry for myself. I remembered all the times I had tried to explain to people how I felt and realized how futile it was to even try. This always made me feel crazier and more alone than ever.
Each time a bout would come, I weighed the pros and cons of suicide.
At the same time, I always wondered why this was happening to me. Nothing specific seemed to trigger the onset of a depression. Yet slowly it would creep in, and then after a time, sometimes after days, weeks, or months, it would just stop. Today, I believe that all the pain and memories, unresolved issues, feelings, and beliefs sitting inside would just overwhelm my body. Then, in a sense, I would break down and get depressed.
Different therapists suggested various medications over the years, but because of my former addiction to pills I was very leery of taking anything. My AA sponsor worked with me on the depression. He, too, had suffered from manic-depressive disorder. When I would begin going into the manic high, he would tell me over and over, “Bring those highs down and those lows up. Don't let yourself go so high or get so low.” It did help, even though it was difficult to do because when someone is depressed, she doesn't care. It was tough to fight that apathy.
If you suspect that you suffer from depression, whether it's every day or only periodically, I suggest that you take the inventory on page 97. If you find you do suffer from depression, seek professional help. Don't try to fix it on your own. If you could, you would have done so by now! You're not an expert. Even if you are an expert and are suffering from it, get some help! You do not have to live with depression.
If you are diagnosed with depression, you won't necessarily be put on drugs, but if so, there are many new drugs that don't have all of the side effects old medications had. In fact, most people who have serious chronic depression are able to work with a psychiatrist to get exactly the right medication, one that will have few or no side effects whatsoever.
If you are not getting what you need to change your depressed state (and I'm not talking about getting stoned on tranquilizers to numb you out) or you don't have a competent doctor who understands how to treat depression (psychiatrists, who are also MDs, are trained in this) and a competent therapist who believes that your past affects your future and who encourages you to look at all the unresolved pain inside, switch to another doctor and therapist right now. Thousands of people are successfully treated for depression every day. There is no need to suffer.
BECK DEPRESSION INVENTORY (BDI)
This questionnaire contains groups of statements. Please read each group of statements carefully. Then pick out the one statement in each group which best describes the way you have been feeling the past week, including today. Circle the number beside the statement you picked. If several statements in the group seem to apply equally, circle the highest number. Be sure to read all the statements in each group before making your choice.
1.0 I do not feel sad.
1 I feel sad.
2 I am sad all the time and I can't snap out of it.
3 I am so sad or unhappy that I can't stand it.
2.0 I am not particularly discouraged about the future.
1 I feel discouraged about the future.
2 I feel I have nothing to look forward to.
3 I feel that the future is hopeless and that things cannot improve.
3.0 I do not feel like a failure.
1 I feel I have failed more than the average person.
2 As I look back on my life, all I can see is a lot of failures.
3 I feel I am a complete failure as a person.
4.0 I get as much satisfaction out of things as I used to.
1 I don't enjoy things the way I used to.
2 I don't get real satisfaction out of anything anymore.
3 I am dissatisfied or bored with everything.
5.0 I don't feel particularly guilty.
1 I feel guilty a good part of the time.
2 I feel quite guilty most of the time.
3 I feel guilty all the time.
6.0 I don't feel I am being punished.
1 I feel I may be punished.
2 I expect to be punished.
3 I feel I am being punished.
7.0 I don't feel disappointed in myself.
1 I am disappointed in myself.
2 I am disgusted with myself.
3 I hate myself.
8.0 I don't feel I am any worse than anybody else.
I am critical of myself for my weaknesses or mistakes.
I blame myself all the time for my faults.
I blame myself for everything bad that happens.
9.0 I don't have any thoughts of killing myself.
1 I have thoughts of killing myself, but I would not carry them out.
2 I would like to kill myself.
3 I would kill myself if I had the chance.
10.0 I don't cry any more than usual.
1 I cry more now than I used to.
2 I cry all the time now.
3 I used to be able to cry, but now I can't cry even though I want to.
11.0 I am no more irritated now than I ever am.
1 I get annoyed or irritated more easily than I used to.
2 I feel irritated all the time now.
3 I don't get irritated at all by the things that used to irritate me.
12.0 I have not lost interest in other people.
1 I am less interested in other people than I used to be.
2 I have lost most of my interest in other people.
3 I have lost all of my interest in other people.
13.0 I make decisions as well as I ever could.
1 I put off making decisions more than I used to.
2 I have greater difficulty in making decisions than before.
3 I can't make decisions at all anymore.
14.0 I don't feel I look any worse than I used to.
1 I am worried that I am looking old or unattractive.
2 I feel that there are permanent changes in my appearance that make me look unattractive.
3 I believe that I look ugly.
15.0 I can work about as well as before.
1 It takes extra effort to get started doing something.
2 I have to push myself very hard to do anything.
3 I can't do any work at all.
16.0 I can sleep as well as usual.
1 I don't sleep as well as I used to.
2 I wake up 2–3 hours earlier than usual and find it hard to get back to sleep.
3 I wake up several hours earlier than I used to and cannot get back to sleep.
17.0 I don't get more tired than usual.
1 I get tired more easily than I used to.
2 I get tired from doing almost anything.
3 I am too tired to do anything.
18.0 My appetite is no worse than usual.
1 My appetite is not as good as it used to be.
2 My appetite is much worse now.
3 I have no appetite at all anymore.
19.0 I haven't lost much weight, if any, lately.
1 I have lost more than 5 pounds.
2 I have lost more than 10 pounds.
3 I have lost more than 15 pounds.
20.0 I am no more worried about my health than usual.
1 I am worried about physical problems such as aches and pains, or upset stomach, or constipation.
2 I am very worried about physical problems and it's hard to think about anything else.
3 I am so worried about my physical problems that I cannot think about anything else.
21.0 I have not noticed any recent change in my interest in sex.
1 I am less interested in sex than I used to be.
2 I am much less interested in sex now.
3 I have lost interest in sex completely.
The BDI is scored by adding the numbers of the separate items selected. Do not score weight lost on purpose (item 19). A score of 0–9 would be considered in the normal range, 10–15 would suggest mild depression, 16-23 would be consistent with moderate depression, and a score of 24 or more suggests marked depression.
We feel anyone who scores between 10 and 23 should repeat the BDI in two weeks. If the score is still between 10 and 23, and particularly if it has risen, a doctor should be consulted for an evaluation. If the score is greater than 23, a prompt evaluation is certainly indicated. If the score is less than 10 but other indications of depression exist, evaluation is also wise.” (The BDI and scoring instructions are reprinted from John W. Griest and James W. Jefferson's book, Depression and Its Treatment, pp. 22–26, by permission of the publisher, American Psychiatric Press, Inc., Washington, D.C., published in 1985.)
For those of you who are contemplating suicide, you're not going to like it when I tell you this . . . but you are not free from depression just because you leave your physical body. That depression is deep in your soul. It needs to heal, but death will not heal it. The depression will follow you wherever you go. Death is not the answer to depression. It is a problem with known solutions that are sometimes surprisingly simple.
Beth came to me once a week for several months to get healings for her depression. Each time, I would lay my hands on her, channeling a healing to release whatever issues were inside her body. Each week a different issue would come up: painful memories of her mother; hurt and disappointment in her marital relationship; negative beliefs that said she was unlovable, unworthy, bad, a burden, incapable, inferior, inadequate, unwanted, worthless. Beth was seeing me, in addition to a therapist and a chiropractor. She had suffered from depression most of her life and finally got tired of it, deciding that instead of being a victim, she would do whatever she could to heal it. She made daily progress in her healing, taking charge of her life and no longer allowing depression to stop her from going forward.
In a psychic reading, my spirit guide John gave her this prayer to say each day to help with the healing:
Don't let me stay stuck in my negativity, in my anger. Push me past the place I am now. Push me. Push me to go deeper in my relationship with God and myself. Push me. Help me change my patterns . . . to see myself as a different person . . . a child of God who is capable of anything. Help me take the blinders off my eyes and see myself clearly. Thank you.
If you are feeling stuck, I suggest that you say this prayer every day for thirty days. Hopefully, you will soon be able to make your depression a thing of the past.
Holidays can be wonderful, bringing family and friends together. People express love and joy for each other. But holidays can also be depressing. They can remind us of the unhealed separation and hurt in our lives.
Holidays evoke feelings of all kinds. For instance, there are usually two very distinct reactions to Christmas: people are either totally into it or they hate it. Some people don't react to it one way or another. The same is true to a lesser or greater degree with all the holidays: Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Easter, as well as the one special day that is not considered a legal holiday but is, I believe a very important day—your birthday!
What were the messages in your family about the holidays? Were they positive or negative? Do the holidays make you happy? Sad? Lonely? Miserable? Uptight? Anxious? It is often said that the holidays are the loneliest time of the year for thousands and thousands of people.
Whatever memories or feelings you come up with, you can make a change, starting now, about how you will experience all future holidays and birthdays. Let yourself feel everything that comes up for you concerning holidays, and feel free to write and talk about these feelings. You may think your feelings may be trite or unimportant, but in my healing practice I see many people every year who are deeply affected by the holidays.
Remember, you can get free from all the old garbage. Do the recommended exercise at the end of this chapter. You don't have to be victimized by the holidays!
Exercise 1
Areas of Stress
Divide a page in your journal into two columns of approximately equal sizes. Label the left column “My Stresses,” the right one “Where I Hold the Stress.”
Think about areas of your life where you are feeling particularly stressed: money, people, job, school, children, parents, brothers or sisters, illness, weather, car trouble, commute problems, and the like. Write down everything that causes you to feel stressed. As you are writing, notice how your body is feeling. Are any aches and pains rearing their little heads? Are you becoming aware of a pain that has been there for quite a while? Write down whatever awareness you are having about your body.
Exercise 2
Evaluate Your Depression Level
If you feel you may be suffering from depression, or have occasionally gone through bouts of depression in the past, use the Beck Depression Inventory to evaluate yourself. If you find that you score between 10 and 23, repeat the inventory in two weeks. If your score is still within that range or is even higher, consult with a physician, preferably a psychiatrist who is skilled in the treatment of depression. Remember, depression is one of the most common illnesses seen by doctors, and there are effective treatment programs that make it completely unnecessary for you to suffer any longer.
Exercise 3
Holiday Word Association
Read over the following list very slowly. When you come across a word that brings up strong feelings of any kind, record in your journal what that word is and what you are feeling. Here is the list:
Exercise 4
The Way I'd Like It to Be
Ask yourself how you would like holidays and birthdays to be. What changes would you like to make to ensure that future holidays or birthdays are less stressful? Note these changes in your journal.
