When a man's self is hidden from everybody else . . . it seems also to become much hidden even from himself, and it permits disease and death to gnaw into his substance without his clear knowledge.
—Sidney Jourard
As a spiritual healer, I worry about men and their health. I see them as the real victims in a society that discourages them from expressing their emotions. I watch the boys playing in my neighborhood, and I have noticed that at a very early age they ridicule each other if they show any signs of pain, such as crying, when they are hurt. I worry about the long-term effect this will have on their health.
When I psychically look inside men to see what's going on, I find that their bodies aren't as easy to read as are the bodies of women. I believe this is because men aren't given permission to express their feelings, and begin storing their pain at a very early age. Sometimes I see images of painful experiences inside them. But the men are usually so detached from their emotional memories and pain that they can't connect with the images I see.
The Hazards of Being Male by Dr. Herb Goldberg was a difficult book for me to read because it really made me aware of the pain men experience. In a chapter titled “Impossible Binds,” the author says:
The male in our culture finds himself in countless “damned if you do, damned if you don't” no-win binds. He is constantly being affected by gross inconsistencies— between what he had been taught was “masculine” behavior as a boy and what is expected of him as an adult; between inner needs and social pressures; and between contradictory expectations in the many roles he has to play. He is psychologically fragmented by these many contradictory demands.
Goldberg goes on to say that for survival's sake, most men are literally forced into being emotionally detached and out of touch with feelings of any kind. He states:
The traditional male façade—cool, detached, controlled, guarded, and disengaged—is a protective mechanism that allows him to respond simply to external cues or inputs, like a programmed computer, rather than having to wrestle with constant conflict and ambiguity. The first step in coping with this phenomenon is open recognition and acknowledgment of these binds. (p. 86)
Goldberg describes many different binds that affect men's lives. One of the most devastating, in terms of our present discussion, is what he calls the “feeling bind.” He points out that throughout life the male who expresses his feelings openly, or who “readily cries, screams, behaves sensually, etc.,” learns that he may be looked upon as neurotic or unstable. By controlling his feelings, as he is expected to do, he “will inevitably become guarded, hidden, and emotionally unknown to himself and others and viewed as ‘cold’ and even hostile.” Either way the man ends up losing. If he lets it all hang out, he is viewed as immature or “unmanly,” lacking self-control. But if he holds in his emotions he is accused of being secretive, unemotional, and “overly self-controlled.”
Goldberg goes on to say that a man can be released from impossible binds by reclaiming the deep feelings that lie hidden behind his defenses, recognizing and accepting them as part of himself. He may see them as a threatening part of himself, but at least then he can be in a position to choose whether or not he is going to risk being true to the real self behind his defenses. Goldberg points out:
Undoubtedly, the re-owning of the real self will precipitate a crisis in the lives of all men who have allowed themselves to be bound up in these annihilating conflicts. It may therefore be necessary to acknowledge the need for help with these struggles and to seek it from a competent therapist. (p. 97)
If you are a man, mixed messages may be causing you many physical problems, as well as emotional ones.
Men receive so many mixed messages. They are told to get their anger out, yet are reminded not to lose their tempers. They are told they need to express their feelings more, yet we give them another message that says, “Don't be too emotional because that is a sign of weakness.” We want them to be more sensitive. More romantic. More sentimental. On the other hand, we say, “Go off to war and protect us. Kill whomever you have to, just don't come back and tell us about it. Come back and be the loving, sensitive, trusting, romantic guy you were before you left.”
Most men have learned to deny their feelings, wants, desires, needs, and physical pain. They feel they are supposed to strive harder, compete, and yet be nice guys. They don't know how to reach out to friends because they are taught at an early age to compete with others. When they do socialize, the conversations are not deep and elaborate but tend to be superficial. Men learn to avoid topics that would make them appear needy. As Goldberg points out, a man's inner life is filled with lessons that put him in emotional double-binds or impossible-binds and leave him lonely and in despair.
Doug, a thirty-year-old man suffering from diabetes, came to me for healings for more than five years. Almost immediately, I saw images inside his pancreas of a great deal of shame around his leaving the Seventh-Day Adventist Church in which he had been raised. I asked him about this, and here is what he told me:
The impact of joining the SDA Church saturated every facet of my life. Suddenly, we were very active churchgoers. We went to church at least four to five times per week; we studied daily Sabbath school lessons; we became vegetarians; and we were active in church missions and associated primarily with church members. There were shames for not being more holy, and we were entreated to be more obedient or we would go to Hell. There was immense guilt for breaking any of the rules.
Doug went on to tell me that when he turned twenty-five, he decided to leave the church against his family's wishes. Within weeks, he came down with diabetes.
During each of our healing sessions, Doug worked on several issues as they slowly surfaced, one by one. First, there were the layers and layers of shame about his decision to go against the family and the church. Doug also struggled with his relationship with God, because for a long time he truly believed God had given him the disease of diabetes as punishment. His issues around sexuality and people-pleasing also surfaced. Doug was always being “Mr. Nice Guy,” saying yes to everyone so as not to rock the boat or cause anyone to get upset. He had to learn that it was okay to do and be what felt right for him in spite of what any others wanted or needed him to do.
The healings brought up many memories of past pain, and Doug eventually sought the help of a therapist who helped him heal emotionally. It was fascinating to watch the process of a wonderful combination of spiritual and emotional healing.
I see so many men struggle for their freedom from the roles and expectations society has placed on them. Many men choose to go along with what's expected of them rather than go through the hassle of challenging the status quo. They avoid making major changes because it seems easier that way. But again, consider the price for this in terms of their health!
In my opinion, many of the heart attacks men suffer are broken hearts—literally the injured hearts of people who never lived the way they wanted to. They got caught up in doing what was expected of them.
No doubt the most challenging and harmful expectation we place on men is sending them off to war, to “serve their country.” I've seen several men who served in the armed forces; one client comes to mind. He was a man in his early forties with bad knees and chronic back, neck, and shoulder problems. When I looked inside, I saw memories of Vietnam: hate, rage, sadness that he had to go, and for all that he saw and had to do. Resentment for losing four years of his youth. I asked him if he cried or yelled out his feelings. He replied, “What good would it do?”
In the movie Prince of Tides the psychiatrist asks the brother of his patient, “Did you ever cry over your brother's death?”
“What good would it do; it wouldn't bring him back,” he says.
The psychiatrist replies, “No, but it might bring you back!”
I see so many men full of old pain, old memories, old injustices done to them. But for some reason or other, they don't want to go inside and get that old baggage out of there. Many don't believe the past can affect them as much as it does. Many struggle with the idea that unresolved issues could be sitting inside their bodies, preferring not to believe that such a thing might be possible.
One saving grace for men is physical activity. Exercise can work a lot of old pain out of the body, but I also believe that if some really serious issues are in there, issues such as sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, they need to be talked out with a competent therapist and dealt with. If not, they will forever affect all current and future relationships with co-workers, significant others, children—and themselves!
Men must learn to listen to the warning signals that their bodies send out when something is wrong. (Women aren't very good at this either.) They must learn not to deny physical or emotional pain because it isn't “manly.” They must learn it is okay not to go to work when they don't feel well, and that they won't appear helpless or dependent. Staying in bed because of sickness is the only acceptable way they can pamper themselves—but many won't even do that. Men pride themselves on not missing any time at work, which is another reason they don't pay attention to those early warning signals from their bodies. They have a tendency to want to prove that they can resist, ignore, and overcome signs of illness.
We all—men and women—need to be more sensitive to our bodies, to listen to our dreams and be true to ourselves.
Get rid of the layers of other people's expectations: your mom's, your dad's, your partner's, your children's, your boss's. Peel away those layers of other people's wants, needs, and desires for you. Get down to your own. You are in there somewhere! Please, give yourself a chance to survive the hazards of being male.
Only you can free yourself from the internal pain that is common to most men. Without hurting yourself or anyone else, do whatever you've got to do to begin to heal.
Exercise 1
An Inventory of Fundamental Needs
Go over the following list of questions, answering each one as honestly as possible. As you go along, record in your journal any thoughts, ideas, or feelings that come up.
Notice that there are no “right” or “wrong” answers here. These are questions that each person will answer in his own way.
Exercise 2
The Little Boy Within
With your nondominant hand, ask your little boy inside what it's been like for him to be a boy. Then ask him to write down what it has been like for him to be a man.
Exercise 3
War Experiences
One of the most difficult experiences a person can face is having to go to war. While many men consider it a man's duty to “serve his country” in this way, it is nevertheless inevitable that they will have strong feelings about it after they get out. If you are a veteran of any armed conflict, take this opportunity to get in touch with what the experience meant for you.
Part A
Record in your journal any memories or feelings that come up for you around serving your country in an armed conflict.
Part B
If you did not serve in an armed conflict, you may still have feelings about not serving. Write them down in your journal.