As we change, our relationships change, but whatever form they take, they can serve as mirrors of unacknowledged parts of ourselves.
—Frances Vaughan
Someone once told me that relationships are tools for us to learn about ourselves. I didn't want to hear that! Relationships are supposed to be about love and romance. You grow up. You meet Mr. or Ms. Right. You fall in love, get married, and the two of you live happily ever after. Falling in love can be the most powerful experience there is. It seems to hold so many promises of the good in life. Somehow, when we're in love we believe that we'll never experience the feelings of loneliness, abandonment, fear, despair, and hopelessness again.
My own relationships all started out with a bang—that exhilarating feeling of being in love—only to quickly become painfully difficult. For so many years, I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship. I didn't know what I wanted other than to be happy. Unfortunately, I didn't know what happiness was. One man to whom I was engaged beat me up only a little. At that time, this was happiness in comparison to another man I had previously dated who loved to bounce me off the walls. Once I started becoming healthy, I realized that getting hit or being beat up was not happiness, nor was it healthy, nor was it something that I deserved or wanted. Each relationship was a little bit healthier than the previous one.
Once I identified what physical abuse was, I moved on to emotional abuse. The emotionally abusive men I associated with also had similar beliefs about themselves. I seemed to attract men who also didn't know how to have healthy relationships. Together, we fumbled our way through, always with the shared hope of making it work. My own negative beliefs kept me going in a seemingly endless circle of painful relationships. Surprisingly, some of them were somewhat satisfying, enough to keep me there. It has taken years of unraveling my stored feelings and healing my beliefs for me to have the kind of satisfying and loving relationships I have today.
Truly, relationships do mirror back to us who we are. If we become close to another person, the feelings we are holding in our bodies will affect how we relate to each other. We may see reflected in the other person those things that we haven't allowed ourselves to see in ourselves. Or our own hidden feelings of being unworthy may attract us to people who will treat us as unworthy or even be abusive to us. Similarly, if we are carrying around a lot of resentment, anger, or rage, we may be attracted to people whose own low self-esteem draws them to us, triggering our own abusiveness. Either way, relationships have the power to help us heal.
By looking at what is mirrored back to us in a relationship, we are able to get in touch with the stored feelings that are causing our unhappiness and pain. Healing starts when, instead of blaming the other person for our pain, we look inside ourselves at the pain that is already there. This does not mean taking the blame for the other person's behavior. And it doesn't mean that it is okay to allow the other person to continue to be abusive to us. But only by healing the feelings that cause us to seek out certain kinds of relationships can we truly be free to choose the kinds of relationships that are good for us.
If there are issues in your current relationship, or if you are continually seeking out abusive relationships, it is probable that unresolved issues from the past are playing out in this battleground. Learning to interpret the reflections of yourself in others may help you get in touch with these issues, even those that are buried deep. See if any of the examples below ring true for you, or help you identify your own feelings surrounding relationships.
Example:
I feel that my husband doesn't pay enough attention to me.
Deep down inside, you may believe that you don't deserve much attention. Perhaps, if you were given a lot of attention, it would make you feel uncomfortable. Realistically, the amount of attention you are getting from your husband may be exactly as much as you need.
Example:
I feel as though I do all of the work in the relationship and I resent it.
Deep down, you may fear losing control. Your complaint may be a cover-up for your real need to control everything. Realistically, you need a man who is willing to let you do all of the work in the relationship.
My boyfriend criticizes my body, my weight, and my appearance. I am never good enough.
Your belief may be that, indeed, you are not good enough. You may have negative feelings surrounding your body, weight, and appearance. Realistically, you need a man who reflects your discontent with yourself. You could never handle a man who accepts you for who and what you are.
Example:
Throughout most of my relationships, I have felt cheated because I didn't feel that I was getting all of the love and nurturing I wanted and needed.
Your belief may have been that you didn't deserve any more than you were getting. The small amounts of love and nurturing you received didn't embarrass you or make you feel obligated. If you had received more, you might have felt suffocated.
If you are in a relationship that is causing you pain, give the mirror concept a try. Relationships are a special opportunity—a chance to see your wounds more clearly, as they are reflected back at you through your partner. The beauty of this is that it works both ways; as you begin to heal, so will your relationship. If it has outlived its purpose, it may end; but when you are ready to form a new one, it will be more nurturing and loving and less of a battleground.
You should also look at your beliefs about love and what you deserve. You might find that some beliefs that you are holding inside are that you don't deserve to have happiness, or that love is too painful, or that you don't feel worthy of the love you need. Examine those beliefs! As unromantic as this statement may be, relationships are one of our best sources for healing. Of course, they can also be wonderful, loving, nurturing, and full of joy, and ultimately that's what we want from them. The main thing to remember is that if you want to change the nature and the quality of your relationships and your life, begin by changing your beliefs about yourself.
Exercise 1
Naming Names
Before you begin, turn to a clean page in your journal and draw a vertical line an inch or two from the left margin. You will end up with two separate columns, narrow on the left, wide on the right. Label the left column “Names,” the right one “My Unfinished Emotional Pain.”
Sit comfortably. Take a few deep breaths and exhale slowly and gently. Close your eyes and ask your body, “Who's in there with whom I have unfinished business? And what is the unfinished business?”
A name may come. A face. An experience you may have forgotten. Don't just keep those names or images in your head. Write down the names and unfinished business here.
Exercise 2
Locating and Releasing the Pain
Still in a relaxed state, write down any of the physical pain that you are feeling as a result of working on Exercise 1. Do certain parts or areas of your body hurt? Acknowledge that pain to yourself by describing it in your journal. Don't discount the physical npain that may come up as the result of looking at your love relationships. You will probably discover that the pained areas are where you are storing these feelings.
Exercise 3
What You Can Do
What can you do with the pain you have? How can you release the pain from your body? Here are a few suggestions:
Exercise 4
Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Most people who have had to deal with a sexually transmitted disease have very strong feelings about it that are often hidden from conscious awareness. If you have had such a disease, write down in your journal the feelings you have around what you went through or are still going through. Describe your feelings toward the person(s) who infected you, whether you know who it was or not. Write about how other people in your life reacted when they heard that you had contracted this disease. Were they fearful? Supportive? Sympathetic? Understanding? Or did they avoid or reject you? Did they criticize or abandon you? Describe how you felt, or are still feeling, about other people's reactions.