If you want to know the secret of good health, set up home in your own body, and start loving yourself when there.
—John W. Travis, MD
Some years ago I met a woman who was the sales manager for a well-known weight loss program. She told me that she had just won a cruise for having the highest sales record in her region. Since I had struggled with weight issues for most of my life, it was very difficult for me to sit and listen to her celebrate her achievement. She talked about weight loss as a product, much as one would discuss cars or computers. Not once did she mention the emotional aspects of being overweight; to her, it was business, plain and simple. All of those overweight people were just figures in the books at the end of each month.
But I know differently. After years and years of working as a psychic and healer and hearing the conflicts, confusion, and suffering people have surrounding their weight, dieting on my own, joining weight loss programs, working out at health clubs, buying workout tapes, taking diet pills, surviving on protein drinks, and reading all of the latest diet books, I know that most weight loss issues are due not to overeating but to unresolved emotions.
It has always been difficult for me to express my feelings; it is much easier to stuff them down with food. This way only I suffer, and the person I am angry with or afraid of does not. When I was little, food comforted me. I often felt lonely as a child and have fond memories of Twinkies filling that void. Oreo cookies helped when I felt afraid or sad. Many times, when I was little and hurt myself, someone gave me a cookie and it always made me feel better! Now, wanting to feel better is strongly associated with eating food.
I recently heard an advertisement on the radio for an eating disorders clinic in Minneapolis. It was a word association test in which the narrator, usually a therapist, said a word and the person taking the test said the first thing that came to mind. The commercial went something like this:
Food isn't just food; food serves an emotional purpose! Food is a source of comfort, and it's what we turn to when we feel empty, lonely, afraid, sad, angry, overwhelmed, or anxious. Food silences those negative feelings and beliefs, if only for a little while, and yes, food makes us feel better.
Of course, that is why despite the billion-dollar weight loss industry in this country, we are not conquering our weight problem. How many times have you read about the ridiculously high percentage of people who lose weight, only to gain it back within the first year? We watch shows like The Biggest Loser, and root for those poor souls—even as we fear for them. How likely are they to keep the weight off, once the cameras stop rolling? Once they no longer have the support of a peer group, and a home audience rooting them on, will they be able to conquer the battle of the bulge?
I have come to believe that being thin will not come from going on diets for the rest of my life. The most successful weight loss program I was ever on was one that incorporated an emotional support group. We met weekly (until the program was suspended) and helped each other identify and cope with emotional issues around our weight gain and loss.
I began to realize that whatever food did for me as a child, it was doing for me as an adult. This realization led me to ask myself: What is my behavior around food? When do I turn to it? No matter what time of day it is, if I feel empty, lonely, afraid, sad, angry, overwhelmed, or anxious, food is my comforter. It isn't expensive or time-consuming to get. When I need a quick fix, all I need to do is jump in the car and drive to the nearest convenience store. Now I have learned that in order to keep the weight off, I have to find ways to express my feelings. I have to work on feeling safe. Unsafe feelings or vulnerability are major triggers for wanting to eat.
While people need to cut back on caloric intake to get those pounds off, they also must look at what the food does for them emotionally. Understanding these issues—identifying the reason behind binge eating or yo-yo dieting—can help you develop better eating habits and finally keep the weight off for good.
If you've struggled with weight loss issues for a long time, it may be because you are getting emotional payoffs from being overweight. For example, suppose you are shy or have a deepdown fear of intimacy. Fat may be a buffer between you and the world—a way of protecting yourself from other people. If you are big, people won't get too close. If you are an introvert, a person who needs and likes lots of time alone throughout the day, the extra weight is your way of making sure that you have enough space to breathe. Being overweight also offers this excuse: “I don't have any clothes that fit, so I will have to stay home.”
If you are insecure, extra weight may make you feel more powerful. If you are trying to learn how to share your feelings with others or how to be more spontaneous and less controlled, or just want others to pay you some attention, it is helpful to feel big. You might feel that if you are physically thin, people won't take you seriously because you look fragile. Diagnose and treat the underlying issue, and you solve the food problem.
A young woman named Rachel came to see me for a weight problem. Since childhood, her eating had been out of control. She had joined a twelve-step group for eating disorders, but said her weight seemed to be getting worse rather than better.
While channeling a healing for her, I looked inside psychically and saw a little girl running from a woman (her mother) who was attempting to strangle her. I saw her father nearby, ignoring her cries for help. I could see, too, that he had been extremely cruel to her, both verbally and physically.
John told me that the only way Rachel felt safe was to get as big as possible so no one would ever hurt her again. Since the birth of her baby brother, she had felt invisible to her family and wanted to be bigger so they would notice her, too. Now an adult, in addition to her weight problem, she had serious issues around intimacy and trust, especially pertaining to men. Her only way of coping with these unresolved issues and feelings was to overeat. The more she overate, the worse she felt about herself.
If you are overweight, chances are you are very angry with yourself and your body. Remember, the abusive way you talk to yourself will not change your relationship to food or help you lose weight. You are going to have to go within and search out the real issues—what is really eating away at you inside. Use your weight problem to get to the heart of your negative feelings and beliefs.
Generally, the people who are most successful are those who combine a supportive weight loss program with a thorough exploration of the emotional purpose of food in their lives.
As you look inside, you may become aware of behavioral patterns that are affecting your attitude about food and weight loss. Whatever behavior patterns you perceive, remember that you can change them.
If you find that you overeat or keep weight on to protect yourself, you can start now to find ways of providing safety for yourself. You can remove yourself from threatening situations. It is important to stay present, focused on the now, and to pray for the strength you need to get out of any frightening or painful situations. If you feel threatened, call friends and get their support. If you are in a situation where harm can come to you, call 911. Don't hesitate. There are community support groups and other resources to help you with virtually any threatening situation. As adults, we can protect ourselves. We no longer have to be victims!
Many experts on weight management say that it is virtually impossible to heal the issues we have around weight without help from at least one other supportive person. That person might be a close friend who is struggling with issues very similar to yours and is also willing to look inside for solutions. Or it might be a therapist, healer, or support group that will provide you with the outside help that will work for you.
Yes, I know. It is difficult to love yourself when you don't like your physical appearance. But if when you look in the mirror you see a person who is heavier than you want to be, remember that there are reasons for your weight problem. It has literally nothing to do with your lack of will power, so don't wallow in guilt the next time someone tells you that all you need is a little selfcontrol. Remind yourself that it's your body and you don't need other people's judgments.
I believe it is your wounded inner child that is responsible for most of your weight problems.
Your inner child rebels against being placed on restricted diets. It hates being told no, especially if it heard this throughout its childhood. Now that it is an adult and can have whatever it wants, it does.
It wants treats when its feelings have been hurt. It wants and needs nurturing, and if food was how it was nurtured, it doesn't want to give it up.
If you are a workaholic, the only form of “fun” your inner child might have is visits to the Dairy Queen, a whole bag of M&M's, or Ben and Jerry's at midnight.
Exercise 1
See How You Eat
Take a good look at the way you eat. Do you eat like an adult giving your body good nutrition, or do you eat like a child? I have a friend who still eats the way he did when he was a child. Sixty-two years old and he lives on Jello, hot dogs, Kool-aid, and cookies!
Exercise 2
Food and Your Inner Child
If you are struggling with a weight problem, I want you to spend some quality time with your inner child. Get out its crayons and coloring tablet and ask it to tell you what kinds of food it particularly likes and what makes that food special. Ask it how it feels when you go on a diet. Ask it if it eats when it's mad or sad.
Also, ask it if it uses your extra weight as protection against mean people.
And finally, ask it how it would feel if you were thin.
Please be patient with your inner child as it dialogues with you, and don't become critical. If your inner child is feeling vulnerable all the time, and weight and certain foods are the only thing that make it feel safe, then you are not going to lose the weight until these issues get resolved—no matter how long that takes.
The next time you go to grab for food that isn't necessarily healthy for you or your waistline, grab your writing tablet first, and ask your inner child what it really needs.
Hopefully, you will get the insight you're looking for to end the cycle of weight loss/weight gain.