Forgiveness is a process, not an event.
As a process, it consists of stages that we move through. To begin, I would like to share these stages with you.
We recognize the wrongs that have been done to us.
Forgetting is not forgiving, and denying the hurt makes it impossible for us to forgive. This stage is about remembering and then unraveling mysteries around the painful things done to us and the painful experiences we've had.
We recognize that we have feelings about the wrongs.
Many of us choose to pretend that we don't have feelings about the harm that was done to us. We take the “I don't care” or “I don't feel anything” stance. We try to blot out our feelings with food, drugs, alcohol, shopping, or gambling to distract us from the feelings of hurt, pain, anger, rage, and fear. But no matter what we do to blot them out, the fact is that we do have feelings about these hurts and it is necessary to recognize these feelings before we can at last be free of them.
We embrace the feelings about the wrong.
At the Lifeworks clinics we learned how to embrace our feelings. At first, this scared me. I had spent so much of my life dodging my feelings, and now I was being told to embrace them. The counselor quoted M. Scott Peck, the author of The Road Less Traveled:“The only path away from our suffering is to embrace the suffering.” Not just the physical pain, but also the emotional pain!
But what can you do if your emotional pain is stuck? If you have denied, rationalized, and minimized it for years, trying to bring it up and feel it can be very difficult. The counselor taught us to lie down on the floor in a crucifix position, arms and legs spread open, feeling completely vulnerable. He said not to do this alone, but with a couple of friends with whom you feel comfortable and safe.
Ask your body what it is holding in. Images may come; feelings may surface. Whatever comes, go into it. Don't resist it. This is how I got the images of all the sexual abuse that I experienced as a child. I cried, yelled, screamed, beat pillows. Whenever I would feel stuck, I'd go back into the crucifix position. Two friends held me when I needed it. They guided me through with questions. They provided a safe environment for me. It was very painful emotionally and perhaps the single most freeing experience in my life. It took less than an hour to release feelings that I had been storing for years: terror, rage, hate, fear, sadness, emptiness, abandonment, disappointment, loneliness, bitterness, and desperation.
Afterward, I was physically exhausted, but I could feel a sense of renewal in my body. My body felt free—literally unstuck. Since that day, I have done a great deal more work on embracing the liberated feelings. You can't know what this feels like until you experience the shift in your body's energy once you stop resisting and start embracing the pain. Believe me, it's wonderful!
We share the feelings with others, sometimes with the wrongdoer herself.
Sharing the feelings is sharing the burden. It lessens our feelings of isolation.
Sometimes it helps to share our hurt with the person who hurt us, but in doing so you run the risk of being further abused. It is certainly not necessary. Most therapists recommend it only when a safe setting can be provided (such as with a therapist) and only under those conditions where the wrongdoer is either in recovery or is willing to work on her problems.
Our goal in this process of forgiveness is to change ourselves, not others. And the change we are seeking is a letting go of the hurt we are holding inside us. The goal of forgiveness is not to let the wrongdoer off the hook or to tell her that what she did is okay. The goal is only to release ourselves from the pain, anger, hurt, and rage that imprison us.
We make a decision about what we want to do about our relationship with the wrongdoer.
This usually evolves over time. If the wrongdoer is a family member or friend, we may need to detach from that person for a while. This can mean a period of separation from your own family if the wrongdoer is a parent, grandparent, sibling, or other close relative.
This stage may meet with resistance from other family members because it involves a change in how we operate in the system, which will have an impact on the whole family. We often feel guilty for taking care of ourselves instead of everyone else, but remember, guilt is an integral part of the family dysfunction. It is part of what we wish to heal with forgiveness. A healthy family encourages its members to do what makes them happiest and live where they want to live.
When we allow ourselves to take time away from the wrongdoer for the purpose of healing, we will heal. We will learn healthy boundaries. We will learn what kinds of relationships we want and what kinds we don't want. If and when we come back into the family, it will be under very different circumstances, and it will change the whole family dynamic. What usually happens is that you not only change the relationship between yourself and the wrongdoer, but you change the relationships of all the family members in some small or large way.
There will come a sense of serenity and acceptance about the wrong and our relationships with the wrongdoer.
This is the final stage, and it does not mean that we no longer have feelings about what happened. There may always be pain or anger at the abuse or neglect. Rather, it means that the feelings we held inside us no longer control us or force us into denial. It means that our relationships no longer suffer from behavior that is inappropriate, defensive, or avoidant.
Sometimes we get stuck at one stage or another and don't complete the process. This lessens the chance for healing the relationship and reflects where we are stuck in our lives.
We also have to be prepared to reenter the forgiveness process as we receive new information or insights into how we've been hurt. Recovery itself is a lifelong process of forgiving ourselves and others. As we do this we become less and less controlled by the past.
The day finally comes when we have cleaned up all relationships from the past. This includes our relationship with ourselves. We have finished our soul's work, and are no longer stuck in blame or hatred.