Growing up with my dad was not easy. He was an alcoholic. He had a bad temper. Fortunately, he traveled for work, but when he was home, I always had a bad stomachache for fear of what was going to happen next. He was not the kind of man that should have had four kids. We made him nervous, and living with him was like walking on eggshells.
When I was fourteen he quit drinking and became a much nicer person, but he still had an edge to him that made me uneasy. Physically he was a big man—6 feet, 4 inches tall. He had been a champion boxer in the navy, and never thought twice about hitting someone. He was loud, aggressive, and demanded a lot of attention. I found out later that he had been very wounded as a child.
I could sit here and tell you story after story of some of the tough times I went through with him, but I've moved beyond those painful times to a place I like much better.
It's a place of gratitude for all that he taught me, simply by being him.
He taught me how to be self-employed and work hard. He instilled in me wonderful values and showed me the importance of treating people ethically in my business life and my personal life.
He had no prejudice, and neither do I.
He didn't force religion down my throat, but insisted I go to church every week to get a good foundation for my life.
He loved to make people happy by giving them fun presents, and that taught me to be a giving person.
His lack of patience taught me patience. His anger about his childhood taught me compassion. His devotion to God showed me that that's how I wanted to be.
He pushed himself, which has been good for me because it taught me to push myself.
He was a proud man and from him I learned the difference between good pride and destructive pride.
He went through many tough times in his life and weathered every one of them, which in turn showed me that I have that same strength and resilience.
Turning negative relationships into positive ones can be incredibly healing. I firmly believe there is good in every situation that we go through, but sometimes it takes real effort on our part to recognize our blessings in disguise.
You have just written an entire journal of life experiences and the majority of them have been very painful for you. I'm going to ask you to do one final piece of journaling, and that is to go back over the list of people and situations that caused you pain and find one good thing that came out of each of those experiences.
Maybe it made you a stronger person.
You learned compassion for others who have gone through it.
You stopped being a victim and took charge of your life.
Your heart was deeply wounded, but you didn't break.
You discovered that you aren't as fragile as you might have thought you were and that you're a survivor.
Yes, you were forced to grow up fast, but every situation has some gem in it. Now that you've gone through your healing process of first talking it through and then physically releasing it from your body, you should be able to see the gem.
When you see things from this new perspective, the hatred and anger seem to melt away.
Exercise 1
Hunting for Gems
Now I want you to use your journal to record the one good thing that came out of every one of the difficult experiences you've had.
Write each situation on the left side of your paper and the “Gem” on the right side of the paper. This can actually be a fun project once you get started.
Exercise 2
Giving Thanks
You can take it one step further by sending the person or people a thank-you note for all the good that came out of each experience.
Keep it focused on the good and thank each of them for the gift they gave you of finding yourself.