| |
I
wrapped her up in the blanket so she would not catch a cold. We had a long journey ahead of us. She was so small; she fit right into my lap. As I was wrapping the blanket around her, I felt her small hand entirely grip my finger. I wanted to cry. How did we come to this? Why am I taking her away from her mother? How can I be so cruel?
How could I have let myself get this carried away? In my mind, I began to replay every moment from the past that led up to this moment. Tears streamed down my cooled-down face, leaving a warm trail wherever they touched. She had not let go of my finger. She slept peacefully, not knowing how drastically her life had changed overnight.
We sat outside the train station. The night was pitch black as rain clouds hovered in the sky. No star or moon could be seen. Our luggage was minimal. It consisted of money, my clothes, her clothes, her diapers, baby formula, and her toys. She was still asleep. Is it normal for children to sleep this much? I had no way of knowing.
The train station was desolate at this hour of the night. Even vendors looked ready to pack up and go home. One or two passengers would pass by us every 10 minutes, but they too did not look to be in a hurry. Everyone leaving at this hour of the night was rushing home to their families and to their love. I had no home anymore. The word had lost all meaning.
This little child right here on my lap is my only family now. Some would give us a side glance as they passed by, but no one cared that we were sitting there. That was how I would prefer it to be—a fitting start to a fitting life.
I could hear the train whistle from a distance. The night was so silent you could hear a pin dropping. The train whistle sounded like a roar, ready to wreck me to pieces. She shuffled in my arms. I looked down to see her awake. Such a peaceful baby. It was like she could sense the shift in the air.
She giggled at me; her big brown eyes were not comprehending her surroundings. I could see the buildup; she was about to cry. As her first wails began to resonate in the empty air, I shook the bottle of her baby formula. Everything felt unreal.
Here I was, sitting in a desolate train station with a baby in my arms, feeding her baby formula. She readily downed the entire bottle. I hated myself. Who knows for how long she had been hungry? What am I going to do with her? I left my entire life behind. I wonder what Hannah will do now. I hope she takes my advice and leaves everything behind.
The best chance both of us have of leaving our past behind is one where we leave it all. It will be impossible to forget. I do not know how I would live without Hannah. She continued to stare at me, her countenance much calmer now. I could not get myself to meet her innocent eyes. I had betrayed them.
The conductor’s voice pulled me out of my trance. “Are you going to board the train?” he asked me. That is when I realized how lost I felt. I had no idea where the train was going. “I have not bought a ticket yet.” The conductor told me that he would get the ticket for me. He was giving me strange looks. He could guess the situation was not normal.
He bought our tickets for us as I picked up my luggage. With luggage in one hand and my child in the other, I began to take steps toward my new life. One, two, three, four...... I counted my steps. I wanted to preserve this memory forever. It was the last straw, the last thread. I can turn back. Is it too late to turn back? I had already boarded the train.
She had quieted down now and was back to sleep. Good. Begin her life with no prior memories. The train seemed to be in dire need of maintenance. The conductor had gone ahead after handing us the tickets. I sat down in a closed booth right beside the door. I placed my luggage beside my food while she continued to snooze in my arms. I gently ran a finger across her cheek.
The train began to move, and I looked out the window, watching the life I had known slip away from me. No turning back. The noise of the moving train did not wake her up. I heard the door to the booth slide as the conductor entered. I silently handed him the tickets. I felt him still standing there. I followed his gaze to look at her. “Is she yours?” It took me a second to respond. Yes, she will be associated with me for the rest of her life. Only me. "Yes." "What's her name?" "Victoria. Victoria Frietz."
