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THE DEN FELT LIKE A mountain now. Moons ago, it was home to a pack, even if we couldn’t all fit. Then it held only two, with the love of hundreds between us. Now it was an empty cavern that still wasn’t big enough for me to lose myself in.
Her scent was still there. Some of Estrella’s fur clung to cracks in the wall. I’d even found a bit of a claw in the corner. So that’s where it went. Estrella had bitten at her paw so long and hard, I worried she’d bite it raw. Then all at once, her head had snapped up, almost hitting the wall. She had ruffed victory, then gone searching for whatever had gone flying. With the pack’s deaths still fresh at the time, I hadn’t had the heart to ask what had been wrong. I now wished I had. At least then I’d know, and knowing might help me hold onto her a little longer.
A pained sigh escaped as it hit. I’d never know now. I’d never know a lot of things. How she’d be as a mother, how we’d fair throughout the years, how many times she and I would have to remind Rajor who was the better wolf.
How many years we’d have with each other.
My pain chased me out of the den. I had to get out of her scent, to get away from all the reminders waiting for me with each breath. Except she was outside too. Estrella had marked our territory just as I had. Her scent was everywhere, still pricking at my heart. I tried to escape her by the river, but there I found the memory of our first hunt together. Somehow, Estrella had known that moose would swim across. Luck? Skill? I never cared to ask. Now I would never know that either.
“Calm day of warm air, calm day free of care.”
Only a bird would think of such things.
I didn’t bother yelling at him. I didn’t even turn an ear. I just flopped my head onto my paws and stared at the river. It still raged hard enough that I didn’t think it wise to risk swimming. Bet Rajor would. I could just imagine him, jumping in with all his pride, declaring he had the strength. Then he’d slip below the surface, too fast for Lonate to catch this time, never to be seen again. It was the only thought I had that didn’t hurt.
“Luna wolf is strong and proud, needs to eat or mate be loud.”
“I doubt that very much.”
The bird fluttered to a low branch, too high to catch as usual, but still in plain view. “Have heard her, have heard her, she has—”
“She has nothing now!”
I turned and glared at the bird. Were it easier to breathe, I would have put Toltan’s death stance to shame. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to grieve, to be anywhere but here, where she still remained. I wanted... I wanted it to stop hurting.
At least it had a use. As the pain built, much of it turned to anger, which shook me clear to my claws. It would turn back to pain soon enough, but in the moment, it gave me the breath to try and acquire some peace.
“She’s gone,” I said. “Even you have to understand what that means. She’s not here. She never will be again.”
The bird did not stay silent, but his song was so somber, it was oddly soothing. “Luna mate also strong, Luna mate won’t stay gone.”
Just as fast as it had come, the anger left, leaving a hole the pain filled three times over. It filled my every hair, as if I were being eaten from the inside out. My ears fell as I cringed so tight, my head went numb. With the last of my will, I fought past it, hoping, begging, praying I could find a way to end the moment.
“Please. Leave me be. I can’t stand the sight of anything right now.”
The bird chirped one single beat, then turned and fluttered off into the trees. While I had no idea what it meant, a second of relief washed over me as, at last, I was alone.
But then, that was also the problem. So recently there had been a pack around me. My blood beside me in my parents, wisdom in Carlin, the future in Estrella, I’d had everything. Now I had nothing except pain so sharp, I thought about slipping into the river myself. It would be so easy. I’d let it take me like it took Calon. Like it tried to take Rajor when we were learning to swim. Were it not for Estrella, the promise she’d forced me to make, I absolutely would have.
A rumble in my stomach silenced all such thoughts. I needed to fill it, my cache was empty, and I’d made a promise. No matter how much it hurt, I couldn’t break it. She’d never forgive me if I did.
But Estrella was there too.
While tracking a target along our favorite hunting trails, I would find her scent still lingering on a tree or shrub. I’d get lost in the memory of that particular hunt and would end up losing the current trail. Every time I tried to find it again, she was still there. A marking she’d left, or a tuft of fur, or the bones of an old kill, was enough to send the pain coursing through me. Worse was when I remembered her making that kill. Her movements were so crisp and precise, her jaws so strong, she’d only needed one bite. Then her approval, as I’d done my part to give her the chance to land that bite.
I turned away and pressed on. There had to be a trail I could find without her to get in the way. I tried going off our usual paths in the hopes I might get away from her.
In no time at all, I found the scent of fresh blood, mixed with pus to suggest a recently infected injury. Better still, this was deer. Likely an adult, by the size of the hoof-prints. A pack could feast on one. As a loner, it would feed me for days, assuming I could take it down.
The injury will solve that problem, I told myself, and I pressed on. A trot formed as the hunter within woke to enjoy the thrill. I’d get fresh meat at last, and it generated more energy than I’d felt in days.
It grew when I found my prize. There he stood, one male deer, younger than expected though still plenty big, and bearing a fresh wound on his hips. It didn’t appear deep, but I could see and smell the signs of infection. It would probably kill him in a few days, but I couldn’t wait that long.
Best of all, the buck hadn’t seen me. He was too focused on forcing leaves down his throat, which was a struggle one could see with every swallow. The infection must be further along than it looks. All the better. I approached slow and quiet. I wouldn’t need to do much to land this kill. A simple ear flick would be enough. Estrella and I had done this too many times for us to need words. She would get him startled, get him running, then this time, I’d be the one to...
I cringed so hard I thought I might slip into myself like a turtle. There was no Estrella, not anymore. The humans had taken her, just as the forest had taken my pack. She wouldn’t be helping me, or even watching. The kill was mine to make, alone.
Stealth would get me in position, but to make the kill, I had to be quick. Except I couldn’t even prepare that much. Preparing meant thinking, which meant remembering, which meant she’d be there again, which meant more pain. I couldn’t risk it. I needed to take the moment while I had my emotions under control. I leapt into a sprint, intent on getting my jaws on a leg, a neck, or the hindquarters. Any one would lead to a bite that would lead to a kill.
The buck’s ears shot up toward me. I didn’t care. If anything, it was a good thing, for the deer tried to sprint away, putting a great deal of strain on his already wounded hip joints. While he attained a fair amount of speed, it was nothing like normal, making it easy for me to keep up. The times he tried to evade me were almost comical, as they were too slow or shallow to matter. Estrella and I could take him in our sleep. I thought about letting her have this one. She always enjoyed getting the kills on prey I chased. She’d love to tease me about being the one to reach up and catch such an easy...
I cringed as the pain hit again, reminding me that she wasn’t there. Then real pain hit as my paw caught on something, drawing a yip of surprise as the sprint became a thump into the ground. My legs kicked out to stop me, but they only caused me to bounce instead. My side hit next, drawing one last yip as the hit emptied my lungs. My legs flopped over, continuing the momentum from the sprint, forcing my body to continue rolling. Again, I tried to find footing, and again, I failed to do more than keep me rolling. Another hard thump nearly knocked me out, after which my body went limp as it rolled and tumbled through dirty snow topped with dead leaves.
At last, I hit the ground without another bounce. My legs rolled over, then they stopped partway as I slid to a stop amid bits of tree and brush. My paws dropped to the ground, leaving me on my side, lying in damp ground bordering on mush, fur covered in wet forest debris, mud dimming the gray of my coat, my paw still stinging from whatever it had hit, and my body aching from the tumble. None of it compared to the void, both within and without. Pride held no meaning anymore, for without anyone to share it with, it had no place in my life.
I lay there in my pain, physical and emotional, for I don’t know how long. Half a day? Several days? I didn’t bother counting. I needed a warm rub, a wet nose, even a sharp fang to set me straight. I needed her. I needed Estrella’s unending optimism, to feel her fur against mine. I needed to hear her growl, taste her breath, see the quiet swagger born in her bones. Yet even as she was everywhere, I knew she was nowhere. By now she was probably dead and rotting. No tail, no fur, just her skinless corpse left for the scavengers. She deserved better. I should have done better. Now I was paying for it.
I barely moved until my stomach cut through and reminded me, I had to eat. I didn’t want to bother, but my heart wouldn’t accept that. I’d made a promise that refused to let me go, no matter how much it hurt.
At some point, I collected myself onto my paws again. Things still throbbed, but I now knew there was no lasting damage. Though when I looked where the deer had gone, my heart sank. There’s no way. I’d never catch something like that. Not when Estrella was everywhere to get in my way. Thus, I turned to find smaller, easier prey. While far less satisfying, considering I didn’t care enough to clean my fur, it seemed like I didn’t have much to lose.
Of course, I found her there too. I ended up at the same pile of leaves I’d seen before. The same one where I’d regained my parents. Except they were gone, and she wasn’t. She stood there, waiting for me to dig in beside her. I could see her, even though I knew she wasn’t there, which sent my heart into an all new quandary of pain. I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t hurt, I couldn’t even cringe. I just wanted to fall and die.
A rumble from my stomach reminded me, yet again, I’d promised her. I swore I’d survive. It didn’t matter that she couldn’t enforce it. It hung over me as if Wolfor himself were glaring at me, borrowing Toltan’s death stance to drive it home. I promised I would live. I had to eat to live. Therefore, somehow, I had to find a meal
Where I found the will to... forget it. I found it and kept my promise, despite the death it caused within.
––––––––
ANOTHER DAY OF SMALL prey, just like all the others. It had become one of the many torments I now endured. First was the sensation of never being truly full. Then when I went home to my den, I was denied peace because, though I’d lost her a moon ago, Estrella was still there. My mind said her warmth remained, even though I could never feel it. The memories hadn’t faded either, making it that much harder. Yet the promise I’d made held its own strength. Between the infernal bird, and my body reminding me of its needs, my bond kept me going.
Well, I’ve eaten what I can catch for the day, I told myself. My body has what it needs. The rest of me... I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter, that I didn’t care about the dirt still clinging to my fur. Not like I had much reason to clean it. With Estrella always getting in the way, I’d never catch much of anything anyway. At best, I’d become like Carlin in a few years’ time, an old wolf without a pack, taking pleasure in harassing those whose youth I envied. I wonder if I’ll end up telling some other pup how to catch a fox.
I cringed again, wondering if Carlin hadn’t come back from the dead long enough to bite me. Become like him? I could only be so lucky. Carlin had wisdom to offer, a presence you couldn’t help trusting. I would count myself lucky if I didn’t end up simply cranky. Who knew I’d think so much of him so long after he’d gone?
I certainly didn’t think much of my territory. Snow remained in patches large and small, while some trees couldn’t decide if it was time to regrow, or shed what leaves they’d gained. It was as if the entire area was stuck in mid-thaw. At least the prey was still out in force. I couldn’t go very far without sending something tearing for cover. It was nice to still feel feared, but today it had no basis. Half of it I couldn’t catch, the other half didn’t need to worry since my stomach had what it wanted for now.
If only my heart could be filled as easily.
While I was staying alive, my “life” had become an endless routine without deviation. Patrol my border, mark it, hunt, sleep, hunt, sleep, patrol, mark, hunt, sleep; to call it living would be generous. It seemed ironic that only now would the intention of being declared a “lone wolf” take effect. Then again, I’d tasted what life with a pack, as alpha even, was like. That wasn’t supposed to happen. Lone wolves aren’t supposed to ever know the company of another wolf. In truth, I wondered if they were supposed to survive as long as I had either. Now that I’d lost what I had, a part of me wished I’d never tasted any of it. At least then I wouldn’t have the pain.
My routine had taken me back to my den once more. Though it still pained me, I was looking forward to returning to Estrella’s warmth, imagined though it may be. Growls in the distance stopped me, despite my best effort to ignore them. I tried to convince myself they weren’t my concern, that I was happy enough to be left alone. Estrella wouldn’t let me, for my promise to her had included this as well. If ignored, these other wolves could get me killed, directly or indirectly, which would break my promise. Thus, I had no choice but to raise my ears to better catch the sounds in the distance.
I heard the menacing, threatening growls used to scare prey into making mistakes. Someone was hunting, deep inside my territory by the sound of things. If left unchallenged, they could take it over, leaving me less game to hunt, and more vulnerable to other rivals. I again tried to ignore it, then cursed under my breath when I realized I couldn’t. At last, I surrendered and turned toward the sound to deal with whatever I found.
When the growls grew louder, I stopped, got a bearing, then moved more carefully. I kept my paws smooth and silent, careful to avoid detection despite how much I really didn’t want to do this. My ears stayed forward in search of an owner, for I had to know who it was before I knew what threat they might pose. With a little luck, I might be able to ignore them as a non-threat after all.
Then the wind shifted, and it brought a scent I knew all too well.
I should have known.
I saw him soon after I recognized his scent. Rajor, once again violating my territory to hunt. He stood over a small buck that explained the thud I had felt. Impressive, considering he only had two other wolves with him. The whole thing brought on a laugh born of pity. He must be desperate, or bold, to violate my territory after the last time he’d tried it. Well, let him have his moment. I didn’t really need the meat, and it’s not like it could fill the void within me. Nor would a confrontation be worth the pain. Rajor would take some back to the pack, and then I would be alone again. Fine by me. I wanted nothing to do with my brother. I didn’t even care that it’d be the first time he’d ever beaten me.
My paws stopped. I tried to move, but my insides refused to let me go another step. More to the point, she stopped me. Her spirit hung over me, reminding me she’d made me promise to survive, but there was another promise too. Not as direct, but no less binding. “Don’t you dare let Rajor beat you either. Not ever.”
Not ever.
I had been about to violate that command in the worst way. By allowing Rajor to hunt in my territory unchecked, I’d be doing exactly that without any resistance.
Yet the memory of that moment tore at me. It caused me pain that felt real, as if I’d been snapped in two. My eyes closed, trying to block the memory, and the pain, from entering. Instead I thought of how we’d handle it if she were here. How we’d make Rajor cower before us both. She’d probably scare him more than I would, depending on what kind of mood she was in. I could see it in my mind, and it made it hurt that much worse. It grew and grew, reaching a point where it felt like my flesh was melting from my bones.
Then, on top of that pain, rage. Rage at the humans for doing this to us. Rage at her for not listening to me. Rage at myself for my rage at her. It lit a fire in my chest that felt like I was being burned alive.
All at once, the pain and rage receded into my chest, where they became a tight ball of fury that could turn the world to ashes. The moment it did, I whipped around and charged. Every hair stood on end, and my snarl shook my own bones. My paws flew step by step as I went for my target, just as Rajor’s hunting party was digging in. Their noses were buried in blood while Rajor went for the best meat. The rage grew even stronger, and I drove myself faster. Rajor would feel the full force of my blow. Penance for everything he’d done to me.
The hunting party turned their ears up toward me. Between my sprint and my snarl, even a deaf wolf would have known I was there. Except they didn’t see me. Their ears were up, but their eyes were scanning the entire forest looking for me. Rajor seemed to check every tree and shadow, trying to figure out which one was me.
Rajor’s eyes found me in time to see my fangs hit him.
My first bite was for Rajor’s shoulder, and I didn’t hold back. While my speed made me miss a solid hold, it didn’t keep me from knocking Rajor clean off his paws. As Rajor hit the ground, my fangs went under the fur and tore flesh. While I didn’t get much muscle, assuming I got any, Rajor’s blood still wet my muzzle and drew sharp cries of pain. My snarl continued to shake us both as I tugged at my hold, drawing more pained whines from Rajor.
My jaws left him to go for the second wolf, who was too stunned to react well. She tried to jump away to evade, but the moment her forelegs left the ground, I pushed under them and sent her flipping onto her back hard enough to knock the wind out of her. I again punctured a leg with my fangs, this time leaving a gash just below the elbow, possibly cracking bone. The wolf tucked her tail and whimpered surrender when I bit at her neck enough to draw blood.
The third adult had a better reaction. As hard as I had tried not to, I’d ignored him. His jaws landed on my back, getting more scruff than real flesh. The wolf tried to push me down, but I twisted to the side so his push sent him sliding off to the side instead of down. The wolf moved with me, unable to take me down, but his hold remained. When another twist had the same result, I turned as much and as hard as I could to get my own jaws on his neck. I managed to tear out of the hold, wetting my fur with my own blood where fangs ripped through my scruff, but I was free to counterattack. My jaws embedded themselves in the wolf’s neck, pushing him straight onto his side with a hard thud. The wolf snarled and pawed at me, but he could do nothing as my hold drew blood and made it harder and harder for him to breathe.
Rajor came charging in, forcing me to release and face him. Despite the snarl on his lips, his damaged shoulder slowed him. It allowed me to dance to that same side and plant my jaws right on Rajor’s elbow without so much as a snap to deter me. I sank my fangs as deep as they would go, while Rajor yelped in pain as he tried to pull away. With one leg in my mouth, Rajor slipped and ended up on his side, at which point I traded my leghold for his neck.
I found a solid hold there, and I clamped down with all of my strength, drawing blood. Rajor wheezed under my hold. The male was still coughing from my last attack, while the female continued to cower. I had Rajor to myself. I had every right. I wanted it so badly. Rajor deserved to die for the pain he’d caused me. He was going to die. Right now!
...Right now.
...It ends here.
...He ends here!
...I... couldn’t do it.
I heard Rajor whimpering. I felt Rajor’s blood on my fangs. I knew how easy it would be... but my jaws never clamped tighter.
My fangs never drew more than surface blood. I shook as an almost physical battle raged within me. I wanted to end it, to end him. My hold refused to tighten. My anger... my agony... it wasn’t enough to take that last step.
When the male recovered and began another charge, I left Rajor to knock him over again, putting new fang marks in the other side of his neck. I held him there until his tail tucked, with whimpers of surrender. There I stood, daring any of them to try again, shaking so hard I could hardly breathe. Any time one tried to move, I snapped a snarl their way, and they froze. When all three, even Rajor, refused to move, I turned to my brother. I put my bloodied fangs in front of Rajor’s eyes so he could see them.
I was still shaking as I spoke.
“Test me again... and I will end you. Do you hear me?” Rajor shrank where he lay while his ears managed a very shallow forward tick. “Good. Now get out of here.”
I snarled and snapped at Rajor’s tail. Rajor rolled onto his paws and sprinted a short distance away, just ahead of the others doing the same. Somehow, I found myself happy to see they were all still able to do so, suggesting the wounds looked worse than they were. That said, my glare followed them until they were well out of sprinting range, and past my border. Rajor stopped there, turned toward me, and somewhere found the courage to be smug. Or rather, look smug. His tail announced his position, but his ears betrayed his remaining fear.
“Just remember your own place,” Rajor said. “I won’t hesitate to enforce your sentence should you violate my territory.”
I ruffed and left. Let him make his threats. The scars I gave him will keep him honest. Besides, I was just beginning to get my body under control. The last thing I wanted was to start shaking again.
“Luna wolf still sharp in fang, Luna mate will—”
“SHUT UP!”
My voice echoed in the trees and made Rajor positively vanish toward home. I didn’t care about him. Every ounce of pain-fueled fury was directed at the bird sitting on a branch overhead. It shook me so hard, I could hardly breathe. That knot in my chest was so hot, it’s a wonder I didn’t burst into flames. I didn’t even feel my wounds screaming in protest at being pulled on.
“By Wolfor’s fangs, shut up,” I said. “You don’t get it do you? ‘Luna mate’ is dead! She was taken by the humans and she won’t be coming back. She’ll never be coming back. For all I know, they killed her while she was still trapped in that stone... cave... den... I don’t know what it was. Either way, she’s gone, and I’d rather you not sing of her ever again... It hurts too much.”
“Stone cave, smooth and holed? Luna mate may not—”
I don’t know how I did it. I don’t know if I could do it again if I tried.
My legs launched me at the mockingbird. I summoned everything, every ounce of pain and fury, to jump up. I wanted him gone, maybe even wanted him dead. However it came, I wanted him silent.
The bird was so caught off guard by the jump, his flight was delayed. That delay allowed me to get close. Closer than I’d ever been. When the bird took to the air, I clamped down hard. While my main fangs missed, when my paws hit dirt once more, my front teeth held two of the mockingbird’s tail feathers. Had he not taken flight when he did, I may well have been able to catch him outright.
I let the feathers drift to the ground as the bird chose a higher branch to rasp at me from. I ignored him, for I could do nothing else. My paws took me away toward my den, while my ears refused to listen to the bird as he sang at me. Chirps, rasps, long songs, my ears blocked him out all the way to my den. Yet before I could get inside, one sentence cut through.
“Luna wolf, I save you soon. Stay alive till next full moon.”
I heard him flutter off as I slipped into my den. Estrella was still there, but she’d been there, and would probably be there forever. Really, I thought I should leave, except I couldn’t. It was all I had left. The only reminder of what she meant to me, and why I couldn’t simply fade like I wanted to.
I rubbed against the wall where her claw still lay, trying to remember the warmth that was there. It hurt, but it had hurt, as it likely would forever. All I had of her were damaged fragments of the life I had.
My stomach gave another rumble, which didn’t make sense. I’d eaten well enough. There shouldn’t be any reason for its protest. Best I could figure, somehow tasting blood had stirred it. It didn’t matter, really. Whatever the reason, I was once again prevented from being alone with my pain because I had to care for myself. Even though my wounds made using the tunnel painful, my body, my promise, forced me out to hunt.
Except I didn’t need to hunt, because Rajor had done that for me. I returned to his kill, now mine to claim. I chewed into it, further bloodied my muzzle, ate until my stomach refused to take anymore, but I never tasted it. It was a welcome change to the routine, nothing more. No joy, no victory, though the pain seemed to go numb as I ate. Either that, or maybe it had been so constant I had grown used to it.
Not that I really asked why. For the first time, the pain was less, which alone felt pretty good at the moment. Even so, I served my body by eating, then left it at that. I only hesitated when I noticed the broken feathers I’d pulled from the mockingbird. They were stuck in the ground, edges fluttering in the breeze. Two parts, that most likely meant an end. I’d never see Estrella again, that I’d come to accept. Now, perhaps, I’d be rid of the bird too.
Calm struck out of nowhere. I cringed, not from pain, but something closer to joy. Peace. I’d finally be getting peace, solitude. No more chirping or singing from the top of the den, no more reminders. I would finally get to sleep and hunt in peace. I’d finally be allowed to spend my life alone, as I was supposed to, with only my pain, my void, and my empty den as comfort.
I can live with that.