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DESPITE SPRING “ARRIVING” over two moons ago, it seemed like the forest had gotten stuck in mid-thaw. Patches of snow refused to melt, and trees continued to appear halfway between regrowth and shedding. A day of fresh snowfall only seemed to reinforce the standard. A crazy part of me wondered if it too was mourning Estrella’s loss, while another part suggested it was nothing more than the seasons tormenting me.
Well, let the forest do what it will. It’s still feeding me, so I guess I can’t complain.
Things were certainly quieter without the bird. I still expected to see him on top of the rocks every morning, but he was never there. The feathers I’d pulled were gone too. With the kill I’d taken from Rajor picked clean by other birds, I had little left to take me back.
I also had little left to get in the way. Without the bird and other reminders, I had formed new hunting trails that reflected my change of choices. Estrella was still there, but she didn’t get in the way anymore, for she’d never hunted there. I had no memories, save for those that lingered no matter where I went. I couldn’t do anything about those, but at least now they didn’t come up to bite nearly as often.
I also started spending less time in my den for much the same reason. The warmth had faded, the claw was gone, and though Estrella was there, that was the problem. I didn’t want to be around her anymore. The only reason I went near it was because my caching spot remained too safe to abandon. Plus, like any wolf, I still had a need for a central place to call “home.”
But I wasn’t home tonight. A full moon glistened off the water, as well as my fur, as I lay by the river shortly after sunset, staring at my reflection. My hackles, the silver sheen Martol had spoken of, were glowing in the moonlight, absorbing it as if it might feed me. I didn’t really think it would, but just as it always had, the glow calmed me.
I lost myself in the smooth blue light reflecting off of the river. I had begun to do so regularly during the brighter nights, for she wasn’t there at all. Neither was Rajor, or Carlin, or Toltan, or Martol, or even Wolfor. There was just the glow, and me. The pain still throbbed, but I was too far away to feel it. The void felt somehow tolerable, or perhaps it too couldn’t find me wherever the glow had taken me. Only here, with my sheen glowing, did I ever find peace. For this short time, I was able to shed the pain, let my wounds heal, and perhaps with enough time, find some measure of joy in a world full of torments.
While the pain wasn’t able to find me, a chorus of howls did. My ears pulled my head up toward them as they echoed in the distance. They were far away, and few in number, but they were making their presence known all the same. Because I’d been lost in myself, I wasn’t certain what the call was at first. Were they invaders, challengers, or simply passing through? Then they howled again, and the pain came rushing back.
Pups.
Only Rajor could stumble on a way to hurt me from a distance. These were not the howls of defense, or hunting. No, they were celebrating the birth of new life upon which to build the future of the pack. For the briefest of seconds, my mind wondered what it would be like to have that howl be for my litter.
That was all she needed.
Estrella would have been a strong mother, I had no doubt of that. I was also certain we’d be giving that howl ourselves by now if she were still here. Try as I might, I still couldn’t convince myself I didn’t want to know that feeling. To touch noses with my young like Toltan had for me. I wanted to share that tender moment with my pack, and my mate. To build my own future.
I never would, of course. She, and my pack, were dead. My fault? I had stopped asking. It didn’t matter anymore. My fault or not, it wouldn’t change the fact that I missed her. In many ways, I still needed her. She was never there, never would be again, even as she followed me everywhere I went.
A voice sounded behind me, shattering my thoughts.
“Wow. Martol wasn’t wrong—”
I snapped around in a full snarl, tail raised high with every hair on my back doing the same. My fangs showed the intruder what they’d be facing for their infraction, then were covered when the wolf shrank like a turtle diving into its shell. She immediately whimpered surrender, to which I responded by lowering my growl. My anger faded to nothing beyond a glare when I recognized her, despite the many years since I’d last seen her. It was the larger-than-normal black tail tip that did it, though my little sister had become a largely white wolf, with gray thinly mixed in on her head, neck, and back.
“Jinta?” I said. “What are you doing here?” Her ears were slow to rise, though nothing else about her did, as she looked at me with the softest of whimpers. She was asking permission. The memory of the last time I saw her do that silenced the last of my anger. “You can get up, little sister. I won’t hurt you.”
Jinta rose so slowly, it’s as if she were growing instead of standing up. Her head took even longer. I relaxed as much as I could, but said nothing, for I knew any attempt would come out stern, which would send her to the ground again.
After what felt like a day, Jinta’s tail finally came out from between her legs. She stood tall, proud on her legs, no sign of fear in them, though her ears never quite came all the way forward.
“It’s good to see you, Luna,” she said. “You’ve grown as strong as I’ve heard.”
“Thank you.” I said the words, but there was nothing behind them. They were as blank as I felt, so much so that I wasn’t even annoyed that she hadn’t answered my question.
Jinta's ears shifted back and forth, as if searching for a sound that wasn’t there.
“Where’s Estrella? Is she hun—”
“Dead.”
The sharp word perked her ears for the first time, while my glare regained some ire at having to even think about it. Were I alone, some memory of Estrella probably would have returned to torment me again. Having someone to focus on somehow kept her at bay for the first time.
Jinta’s ears fell in a cringe I knew all too well. “Luna, I’m sorry. I know what that must feel like.”
My growl made a comeback. “No, you don’t. Now I ask again, what are you doing here?”
Jinta cringed again, and her tail started tucking. “I need you. You’re the only one who can match Rajor’s ability as alpha.” I huffed. Great, another idealistic female. Not this time. I turned and walked away without a word. “Luna! Didn’t you hear me?”
I kept walking. “Rajor is your problem, not mine.”
Jinta stayed just behind me, keeping up without breaking my authority. “You care more than that, Luna. Folar wouldn’t be alive if you didn’t.”
I stopped, then huffed and huffed until it turned into an odd, panted laugh. Guess he really did catch her eye. “Folar? All I did was point him toward his only chance to survive.”
“You’re being modest or blind. You brought him to us, at great personal risk, I might add.”
“Toltan wouldn’t have hurt me. He did enough of...”
The pain hit harder than it had before. I whined as if I’d been bitten, feeling a sting as if Wolfor himself were biting into my heart. All I could see was Toltan’s body. All I could feel was his nose, ice cold, nothing like I remembered. I had forgiven him. I had! Yet there it was, another snide comment about his part in what Rajor had done. If only she were here. I could lose myself in her and let the pain pass. Of course, her absence was why it hurt so much.
When Jinta rubbed her head against mine, I snapped away and snarled as if she’d bitten me. For all I felt, she might as well have. She too recoiled, but only long enough to see I wasn’t going to attack her. From there she stared at me, not saying a word, her ears up and alert. Then her eyes, soft as a morning breeze, deep as the sky, and holding as much plea as they did courage, found mine. Not a hair was raised in defense or challenge, nor was her tail tucked in fear. She stood as a pillar of a wolf. A fine hunter, in desperate need.
My ears fell. This was worse than her asking permission. She reminded me of her. Estrella. A calm beauty that held a fire many would miss. Only this time, she needed me, and that wasn’t possible anymore.
“I can’t help you,” I said, somehow avoiding more whines. “Not without her.”
Jinta, for the first time I could remember, did not back down. “You have to. We’ve lost Rajor.”
My ears shot straight up as shock swallowed my pain whole. I can’t be that lucky. “You what? I didn’t wound him that badly.”
“Luna, he’s not dead.” Drat. “But he’s... he’s not the same. He’s lost his nerve. I worry what will happen when he loses the pack.”
“Penance. That’s what.”
I moved on, making it all the way to my den without hearing a word she said. I was too busy thinking about Rajor. I wonder what would happen to him if he did lose the pack. Would he become beta? Pup-sitter—no, that’s Lonate’s job. Omega? Now that would be fitting. Would serve him right if he were run out himself. Then he’d have to fight me for territory. Maybe I’d insult him further by making him my omega. Wouldn’t he love that? I laid beside my rock pile, almost tasting the fun I’d have with him.
Jinta, meanwhile, had not given up.
“Luna! You can’t sit here and pretend you don’t care.”
I finally acknowledged her with a sarcastic turn of my head. “Can’t I? That’s not my pack anymore. Besides, Rajor can’t be that bad if he’s had pups.”
“Those aren’t his pups.”
My ears perked in shock once more. I know what I heard. Rajor’s was among the voices howling to celebrate the new litter. More to the point, it was his voice starting the call, as was the alpha’s place. If they weren’t his pups, whose were they?
“I don’t understand,” I said. “I thought you said he was still alpha.”
Jinta sighed, growled frustration, then slowly laid down near me. Each step was a request for permission, which I never denied. I never did anything except watch and admire. Jinta wasn’t as big as Estrella, but she had a similar smoothness to her. Yet even now, I could tell she had a softer, gentler side about her. Best suited to a loving mother... or sister.
I didn’t say anything, of course. Voicing such feelings would send me after Estrella again. For the first time since she died, I was able to think of her without being bitten inside. I didn’t dare mess with that now, and yes, I wanted to know what was going on with my old pack.
Once comfortable, Jinta spoke as softly as she moved. “Rajor is still alpha, but he never stopped Solas and Carfen from bearing pups. Every litter the pack has borne has been theirs.”
“Non-alpha pups aren’t unheard of.” I said it, but even I knew how feeble that excuse was.
“Only in times of great game, as it was when you and I were pups. That’s not now. Rajor has no mate of his own, but his pack has pups that aren’t his, and yet he’s still alpha. You know that can’t last. That’s not the worst of it. Rajor... he’s not the same since the winter.”
My head turned in honest curiosity. “What do you mean? Did something happen?”
Jinta again cringed in pain. “He lost half the pack, Luna. Kills just couldn’t be found. With each death, he became more and more subdued. Then we lost the litter. Every pup from last spring died. Seeing so many of his members starve... it hurt him like I didn’t think he could hurt. He’s lost all the fire, all the nerve he used to have.”
“This is a bad thing?”
Jinta growled at me, looked ready to bite me, really. I huffed it off, though my ears fell a touch in retreat. Mostly because I knew I deserved that bite and then some. After all, I’d lost just as much, if not more. I knew what Rajor had to be feeling. Then again, perhaps that’s why I snipped at it. To acknowledge Rajor’s pain would mean remembering my own. I had finally started to forget it. I didn’t want to bring it back now.
Jinta looked ready to continue, but new howls sounded in the distance. Rajor’s pack again, but different. This one was the long, deep howl of mourning. More interesting was how Jinta reacted. I saw her body relax, though it was more like it dropped than released tension. I knew that look all too well. Something about the howls distressed her, so much so her ears fell in equal pain.
Then Jinta glared at me with a perfect recreation of Toltan’s death stance. It, and his memory, forced me to drop my ears in submission, if only a little.
“Do you know who they’re mourning?” she said. “They’re mourning the pups. The pups Rajor couldn’t provide for. The lack of game in this forest meant a weak litter, and a weak mother to care for them. The first two came out dead. I left after I heard only two of the seven survived. I’m guessing they lost more.”
I don’t know where it came from, but a hot anger lit within me. It burned deep in my chest, though I didn’t know at what, nor could I find a cause. It was just there, fueled further by my disgust for it. On its tail came a wave of shame that flattened my ears. I knew the pain of loss, very recent loss at that. If Estrella were there, she would have said the same, after she bit me. She would have reminded me how hard it was when I lost my pack. To ignore Rajor’s pain would mean ignoring my own, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t do either. I had to be the wolf Estrella expected me to be. Except it wasn’t that easy. There was a lot of pain to push past, and the anger from nowhere didn’t help things.
Jinta’s glare hadn’t weakened, though her ears had started to nervously shift, which only made it that much harder for me to find some mental clarity. She was out here, looking for help, or... wait... what is she after? Jinta had never really explained her goal, and it proved to be a good thing, for it gave me what I needed to push the anger back. True, it left the shame and the pain, but I’d gotten used to both lately.
“So, what do you want me to do?” I said. “I can’t go back. I’m still a lone wolf.”
The calm, gentle sister I knew instantly replaced the glare. “I’m not asking you to. I’m asking you to let me join you. Rajor’s pack will implode if he doesn’t snap out of it.”
“He may still. He has a lot of pride.”
“Perhaps. But I’d still rather run with a brother I can trust and parents that I love.”
My ears fell in the hardest cringe yet. She didn’t know. No, of course not. With her pack in such turmoil, how could she? She’d only asked about Estrella. I wondered if perhaps that’s what I was angry about.
Jinta was here, looking to run from the turmoil in her pack, not knowing the turmoil I had in mine. She didn’t know what had happened, and she needed to. She wouldn’t understand if she didn’t. I cringed again as I remembered the day I lost them all. It was the only way I could bring myself to tell her, not that it made it hurt any less.
Nor did it keep my voice from shaking. “It’s not possible, little sister. You can’t run with them.”
Her glare returned, and it hurt worse than the memory. “And why not? Are you so proud you can’t let—”
“They’re dead.” Shock took over as Jinta’s breathing deepened. Tell me this stops hurting. “So is Carlin, the old wolf I’m sure you heard about. They’re all dead. The hunting... I couldn’t save them. It’s just me now, and I can’t help you.”
I stood and started to leave, only to stop when I heard her whine. A soft, pain-filled whine, just like the one I’d given myself that day. Hearing it from my little sister made it cut as deep as the loss did. It also took me back to our puppy days, when a game was ruined because her pain had been real. Just as it was now. Yet I still couldn’t help her. I could barely help myself. She deserved more, but she’d never find it with me.
That said, I did turn around to face her. I had no idea what I was going to say, but I never got the chance. Jinta was looking at me, her eyes trying to tell her it wasn’t true. I could see all the pain I’d felt in her eyes, making my own wounds hurt that much more.
After breaking in two a thousand times over, all I could offer was a very soft, “I’m sorry.”
Jinta took deep breath after deep breath, at times swallowing as if she might swallow the pain. It doesn’t work, I thought, for I’d tried to do the same many times already. Seeing her pain only refreshed my own, which froze me in place as it replaced my blood. More than ever, I needed Estrella. I needed my other half, but all I could find was the void.
As the breaths came, Jinta gained more composure. Through my own pain, my ears managed to perk, impressed. I would have said she’d be too soft to fight through all that, but she did. Her ears rose, her fur lay flat, even her eyes grew brighter by the second. It wasn’t long at all before she stood without any hesitation. She faced me full on, a rock I’d never seen her be.
“If you can’t help me,” she said, “then help my pack. Help me find a kill I can take back to them. There may yet be pups we can save.”
I wanted to refuse. Spending time with her meant spending time with anyone. I’d just gotten used to an empty den. The void had become as much a part of me as my fur, but I couldn’t swallow the lie. I couldn’t convince myself their plight meant nothing to me. Had it been anyone else, it might have been different, but Jinta? My little sister? I couldn’t say no.
“Follow.” It’s the closest I could come to yes.
I led her along my new paths, following trail after trail that went out of reach, or straight up cold. Even areas that usually produced a reliable source of rabbits were bare. I knew this happened on occasion. Even in the best of times, there were those days where prey just couldn’t be found. Except this time, I had a desperate sister following me. Every cold trail and empty den caused my heart to sink lower. Despite my best efforts, I was letting her down.
Odd that I cared, really. Despite the fact that I was helping Jinta, I knew what I was really doing was helping the same pack that betrayed me so long ago. And yet, I couldn’t lie to myself about this one. Jinta was right. I cared. More than just the fact that I was helping her and my other siblings by helping them, though that made it easier, it mattered that I was helping the pack survive. Now why it mattered, or anything beyond the fact that it did matter, proved impossible to find. I couldn’t even imagine what Estrella would have thought about it. Of course, failing so often might have altered that some.
Who am I kidding? What did she always say? “Have a little faith?” She wouldn’t stop that now.
I didn’t either. I continued on my usual trails, digging through more than one snow patch, looking for a rabbit or two still huddled for warmth. Through it all, Jinta never voiced concern. She simply followed, assisting where she could.
That is, until I ignored a trail I might otherwise be glad to find. Deer, quite sick by the scent of the pus, yet still too big for me to take down. I had no intention of risking another tumble like the last time I’d tried, nor did I want Jinta to see me like that. So I passed on by without so much as a dream.
This time, though, Jinta stopped.
“I think you’re losing your touch, big brother. There’s a prime target this way.”
“Not for me.” I didn’t give it any more thought. I’d rejected the idea, so I didn’t even feel the need to protect my pride.
“Come on, Luna. You and I can take down one half-dead deer.”
I stopped, sighed, and tried very hard not to be angry. She didn’t know. She didn’t see me the last time. More to the point, she didn’t understand whose place she’d be taking.
That said, I tried and failed to come up with a reason she’d accept. Curse her. She was always softer, but rarely wrong. In some ways, it was worse than Estrella. Estrella was stubborn, even when she was wrong. Jinta didn’t have to be stubborn. Being right was enough.
“Fine,” I sighed. Might as well get this over with. Either she’d be right, or she’d see me covered in mud like the last time.
I checked the scent again before following the trail, not that I needed my nose. The deer had left plenty of broken twigs or knocked-off tree bark to lead the way. The scent made sure I still had the same target, not much else.
“Luna,” Jinta said, “I know you lost a lot, but is that all there is?”
Really? Mid-hunt, you ask about my emotions? I kept moving as if I hadn’t heard. “Don’t know what you mean.”
“You didn’t used to be this hard, and you were more eager to hunt the prime prey than Rajor was. Why didn’t you want to chase this one?”
Because she’s still here. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Because you’re a lone wolf? Luna, I’ve taken down prey like this alone. That’s not good enough.”
I stopped and tried to figure out if I was fighting down anger or pain. Might well have been both. Whatever it was melded into an uncomfortable, burning mixture that made me wish for the void. It hurt less.
“Do you want to talk or hunt?” I said, my voice shaking from one or both emotions. “I can’t do both.” The part I kept to myself was, “not without her.”
I looked back to glare and found Jinta’s ears and tail in full submission. I hate seeing her like that. Gentle as she was, Jinta was too strong to submit so completely. It didn’t look right on her. Still, she’d made the choice, and I was glad to be without the distraction... and the reminder.
My frustration spurred me to break into a run along the trail. Part of me thought I needed to follow the scent, but this deer had shown signs of being too disoriented to stray much. I slowed to check a log, a bush, or a scraped tree to be sure it was still the same deer, but such stops rarely lasted long.
All the while, Jinta never said another word. Not until—
“There it is!”
I stopped and looked to find the deer more off his path than I expected. It was also a lot younger than I expected, little more than a foal really. It must have been injured while playing, or simply got unlucky and caught a severe illness early on. Whatever the reason, it was still stammering along, rubbing against pretty much anything near him. Would probably be dead in a few days on his own.
Have a little—
“Shut up,” I muttered. I’d gotten this far without her getting in the way. I couldn’t afford to be lost in her again. I could almost hear her voice, and I buried it. She’s never coming back. It’s time I left her behind in order to hunt at will again.
A soft whine came from Jinta. I saw her submitting again, and my stomach dropped.
“Not you, little sister,” I said. “I... never mind. Just perk your ears up. Please.” They rose slowly, but they rose all the way, as did she. “Better. More your place. Now, swing around and make sure he doesn’t get away. I’ll make the kill.”
Jinta ticked her ears forward, then vanished into the trees. I was surprised to find that once I lost sight of her, I lost sound too. She’d always been a fine hunter, but I never knew she could be such a ghost. If Rajor didn’t pull out of his current state, I had to wonder who besides Jinta could challenge him for control of the pack. Bet she’d revoke my sentence if she did.
I shook my head as if to shake the thoughts away. Even if she did, it wouldn’t work. I’d lost enough wolves in my time. Better I stay alone. It would hurt a lot less.
Another lie, and you know it.
Perhaps, but for now, I’m okay with it.
Certain that Jinta was in place by now, I made my move. I didn’t care if the deer heard me. My prey was too far gone to do anything about it. I simply charged in, paws moving like the wind, jaws open, panting in excitement and exertion. I had my target. I knew where to go.
The foal’s ears turned my way, then it surprised me by finding a fair amount of footing to make a run for it. Even so, he didn’t get but a few steps before his illness slowed him down. He still had some speed though, so I went for the easy kill. I got close behind, my prey too busy running to kick. My jaws went up, caught a mouthful of flesh around the genitals, then I stopped and pulled. The flesh stayed, but the deer tumbled to the ground, too winded to cry out. Blood stained the ground, and my muzzle, as I slowed my chase. I’d already made the kill, it just hadn’t hit yet. The deer struggled to stand, but he never did. The blood loss alone, combined with his wounds or illness, claimed him in a matter of seconds.
Jinta appeared from behind a tree just ahead of me. Had she been there all along, or simply ended up there during the chase? I was curious, but didn’t ask, for it didn’t really matter.
“For a lone wolf, you remind me a lot of Toltan,” she said.
I cringed at the thought, more so at his memory. I could only be so lucky.
“You have your kill,” I said. “Take what you can carry and be on your way. Your pack needs you.”
Jinta outright shocked me by standing firm with a glare worthy of Toltan’s death stance. Just like him, no one could doubt just how very unhappy she was. Despite my indifference, I had to wonder if I dared risk her wrath either. Is this the same wolf that was asking permission just a moment ago?
“They’re your pack too, Luna. Calon was the last of our litter to die. The rest still live. My pack carries the same blood we both do. The same blood you do.”
“And I have seen too much of it on the ground,” I said. “Besides, they wronged me. I owe them nothing.”
“They’re your blood! Rajor can’t protect them.”
“That won’t last.”
“Even if it doesn’t, the pack deserves a strong alpha. You deserve—”
I snapped into full snarl. That word again. I’d heard it too often by too many who weren’t there anymore. Any time I heard it now, it hurt as if I were torn apart. Sister or not, I couldn’t take hearing it again. Not from anyone.
Especially when it forced me to use it myself.
“I deserve what? A home? A family? I had both until Rajor took it from me. He deserves whatever happens to him.”
“Even if that means losing more of the pack?”
My snarl faded as her words cut deep. I couldn’t lie, not about that. Carlin once noted that I still spoke of them. Yes, it mattered. It mattered that more of my siblings might suffer or even starve. I cared about them, even after all the pain they’d caused me. But they were still led by Rajor. They stood by him instead of me, which meant I still couldn’t go back.
No matter how much I might want to, I couldn’t go home.
“Take your share and go,” I said. “There’s nothing more I can do for you.”
I left without another word. She said something, but I never heard it. I left her behind like I left my former pack. I could do nothing for either of them. I could barely do anything for myself. Although I had to admit, I did owe Jinta for one thing.
For the first time, I could think about Estrella without inner torture. I missed her, and would always miss her, yet she hadn’t gotten in the way this time, nor had she kept me from an easy kill. I’d even run with another without so much as a twitch. Had I been too busy missing her to notice when she’d stopped getting in the way?
I wondered for a time, then shed the question like a tuft of fur. Whatever the answer, it wouldn’t change anything. I would always miss her. The void in my heart would always be there, but it would no longer stop me. I had made a promise when I lost my mate. Now for the first time, I felt like I might actually keep it.