Welcome to Step 5! I hope you’re as excited as I am to be beginning this step. Here’s where we get to start having fun together. From now on you’ll be working in ways that are designed to access and nurture your core self. What could be more joyful than discovering and developing the wonder of you?
In Steps 1 through 4, you addressed the diagnostic and intervention issues necessary for building a healthy foundation for your Take-Charge structure. If you’d skipped or brushed past those chapters, the subsequent lessons of Steps 5 through 10 wouldn’t work. You see, trying to access your inner wisdom, intrinsic capacity to heal, and ability to connect when you have an undiagnosed or untreated disorder is like constructing a building without a foundation. You can’t really get anywhere, no matter how much you try. So even though slogging through diagnostic and intervention issues isn’t the most fun, it’s crucial and deeply liberating. Doing so opens the door to real pleasure because it allows you to step boldly into what makes you tick and sing.
So what’s the lesson of Step 5? You have unique gifts and talents that you’re meant to access, develop, and share with others. We all need what you have to offer. Similarly, you have your own distinct personality and way of being in the world, just as everyone does. Certain kinds of experiences, relationships, and environments will nurture you, while others will unsettle you. Whenever you operate from a connection to your essence and purpose, you’ll feel at peace. But, being human, you have areas of limitation and challenge. If you ignore, disregard, or refuse to accept your nature and problems, and push yourself into places you don’t belong, you’ll experience discomfort and failure of some sort.
No one wants to do a bad job, be unsuccessful, or feel miserable, but we all do sometimes. Whenever something’s not working in your life, there’s a reason for it; you are, in some way, disconnected from your essence and life path. But you can fix that. Perhaps you’re unknowingly trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. You could be doing that in your choice of friends, lovers, or even career path.
In order to take charge of your emotional life, you need to identify and respect your nature, gifts, and challenges. In this chapter, you’ll visit your passions and problems. You’ll begin to consider your life choices in light of your growing wisdom, identifying what you can do to nurture what works for you and transform what doesn’t. But before you begin, I’d like to share some stories that illustrate the lessons of this step.
THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-KNOWLEDGE
In There’s Always Help; There’s Always Hope, I tell the story of two brilliant graduate students (who didn’t know one another) who came to me with severe, major depression and a complete inability to function. One was in dental school, and the other was in a program in elementary education designed to create teachers. Both young women, who’d always done well academically, had begun failing their graduate-school course work. Then, seeing no way to succeed, each had become ill and unable to go forward.
You can read the details of their amazing journeys in my earlier book, but I want to share a key lesson of their stories with you now. Each of them had been unable to succeed because she was pursuing something she wasn’t meant to do. And each of them was able to triumph upon finding and pursuing her proper path.
What do I mean by this? Well, as it turns out, the dental student had an unrecognized spatial learning disability. Her mind couldn’t translate the flat images of teeth on x-rays into the three dimensions of the actual mouth. So, for example, she could never figure out which side of a tooth had the cavity. As a result of her limitation, a learning issue that couldn’t be altered, she kept failing her lab courses. There was no way she could become a dentist.
When she’d originally decided to go to dental school, she didn’t know how ill suited she was to that career. Once she got there and found herself unable to do the work, she became overwhelmed and depressed. By the time I met her, she was sick and devastated; she felt like a failure. Once the two of us identified her disability, she chose to switch to a more appropriate career path. She’s now an accountant, and very successful in her work.
The elementary-education graduate student turned out to have undiagnosed ADD. Her brain chemistry made it impossible for her to balance the demands of maintaining order in a rowdy class and sticking with her lesson plan, so she kept failing her student-teaching course. Although she loved working with young kids, she couldn’t handle them in a busy classroom, so she, too, became depressed. By the time I met her, she was ill and hopeless.
Once she and I identified her ADD and the mismatch of her career choice and her inborn limitations, she was able to forgive herself for failing. She decided to switch gears and work with children in a capacity that would fit her gifts and nature. She’s now a pediatric nurse. She cares for one child at a time and loves her work!
So both women were unable to succeed and became sick when they tried to pursue careers ill suited to their gifts and limitations. Both were able to thrive upon discovering and pursuing paths more appropriate to their unique passions, talents, and challenges.
PURSUING OUR PASSIONS: MY STORY
We all have strengths, passions, and gifts; and we all have limitations, challenges, and hang-ups. Given our unique natures, we each feel comfortable in some situations and miserable in others. But we don’t tend to honor our personalities or cut ourselves much slack. We often focus on our flaws and devalue our gifts, beating ourselves up when we don’t like someone or feel that we don’t fit in. We view those around us as better, more talented, or even perfect! We compare ourselves to others and neglect to see the whole picture. My patients often enact this dynamic with me. In their eyes, I’m flawless and they’re failures.
The reason I look gifted is because I’m pursuing my passion and doing what I do well. I’m a healer, doctor, writer, connector, mom, wife, friend, speaker, and teacher. I’ve always been drawn to psychic pain and seen ways to help heal it; this comes naturally to me. I love hearing people’s stories and stepping into their lives. I thrive on sharing myself with others and being in relationships. That’s who I am and what makes me tick.
But I’m horrible when it comes to technology; and I also hate tension, conflict, and passivity. I’m the solve it, can-do peacemaker. I’m all there with anyone who wants to connect and work out issues, but I get unsettled by those who refuse to own their stuff and grow themselves. Furthermore, I recoil from computers. I know I have to use them, but they make me cuckoo! If I tried to be a programmer or engineer, I’d fail miserably. In fact, my aversion to technology could be a real hardship in today’s world, but I don’t let my limitation stop me.
I write my books, articles, and kits by pen, and then my beloved husband keyboards them for me! And if he couldn’t do it, I’d find someone else who would. When I write, I need to feel the words flow from my brain and being, through my body, and into the tips of my fingers. I need to grasp my pen and hold it to the page. I have to physically write as I manifest my gift. I can’t imagine being able to create with a keyboard, because it’s just not me. It never has been and probably never will be either. Unbelievable, huh? But it’s absolutely true: I’m deeply flawed and wildly successful!
I don’t even like to use e-mail, because I want to see and hear you. I need to feel connected. I can’t do what I do without human contact, and technology gets in my way. If I have the right setup, I can succeed. But if you were to put me in a cubicle with nothing but a computer, I’d probably become extremely depressed and unproductive. I need to be in relation and creation in order to be well.
I’m successful now because I’ve found my path, but I got fired from one of my first jobs, working in a furniture store, when I was 17 years old. When I hadn’t learned what my trainer thought I should have mastered after three weeks, she showed me the door. To this day, I don’t even know what I did wrong! But I learned something powerful from that experience: A paperwork- and sales-oriented desk job wasn’t for me, and there was no way I was ever going to take another one. Neither the work nor the environment was right. I was meant to do something else—something that respected my nature, gifts, and significant limitations. I made it my business to figure out what that was.
Today, my work, family, social, and spiritual lives largely reflect who I am and what matters to me. But living authentically is an ongoing project; the work is never done. Life is about change, so I’m constantly tweaking, altering, and fine-tuning the mix. I expect to be doing that forever, but my building blocks are in place.
FINDING YOUR PATH
You, too, can become adept at identifying your nature, essence, gifts, passions, limitations, and areas of challenge. Using the right building blocks, you can create a big-picture plan that works for you. As you take charge of your emotional life, you’ll learn to make choices that fit your unique and wondrous nature. Your inner wisdom is brilliant; you can access it and use it to make your life work.
So let’s start to look at your story and the lessons of your journey. I’ve said that there’s a path you’re meant to travel that’s uniquely yours, but what am I talking about? And how might you have gotten removed from living your own story? Let’s go back to the beginning and see what we can discover together.
You were born with everything you need. You came with special gifts, intuitive wisdom, burning passion, and a particular purpose for entering this wondrous planetary sea of beings. You exited the womb ready to manifest your own special greatness, and those of us already here were waiting for you to arrive. This is a spiritual law of the universe.
But you were just a helpless baby, so you couldn’t yet manifest all you were meant to become. You needed to be cared for, nurtured, and raised by grown-ups. You needed someone to hold, feed, and rock you—and to teach you the ways of the world. You needed this home, hearth, and help in order to survive, thrive, and prosper.
As a child, you were very much in touch with your essence, vibrancy, and passions. You were powerfully drawn to foods, people, and activities that resonated for you. You were equally put off by that which disinterested or unsettled you. But, like all children, you were driven by the need for approval, because when people thought well of you, they gave you the attention you needed in order to survive.
But in seeking that approval and taking on the beliefs and biases of those around you, some parts of yourself got squashed, shushed, pushed down, and ignored. Over time, as you continued to grow up, some of those key bits of your essence may have even become so secret that you stopped knowing they were there at all!
Like all of us, you learned to do some of what was expected of you, rather than all of what you might have been meant to do. Our parents and teachers unknowingly convey both growth-promoting and limiting lessons. Remember that song from the musical South Pacific, “You’ve Got to Be Carefully Taught”? As its lyrics remind us, we even learn whom to hate and fear from those who raise us. Given what we go through to get “growed up,” many of us find it hard to know who we are or to believe that there’s any value in being true to ourselves. But I’m here to tell you that there is, and to help you reconnect with who you are and what you’re meant to do with your life.
As you work this step of your Take-Charge process, you’ll find a series of exercises designed to help you connect with your essence, identify your limitations and life choices, and change the pieces of your plan that don’t work for you anymore. Unlike Steps 1 through 4, Step 5 is much more action oriented. You’ll be thinking, writing, reflecting, and examining your inner world as you seek your truth. If you draw, paint, sculpt, sing, or engage in any other art form, feel free to respond to the exercises below in your chosen medium.
So, let’s start by identifying your gifts, passions, and other precious pieces. In your mind, go back in time to your early childhood and growing-up years. Without thinking too much, start filling in the blanks of the exercise below (or write your answers on a separate piece of paper).
REDISCOVERING ME
1. When I was a kid, I most wanted to give the world _________________________
2. My favorite things were (write down any associations that come to you; include the what and why):
a. Songs _________________________
b. Books _________________________
c. TV shows_________________________
d. Foods _________________________
e. Heroes _________________________
f. Friends _________________________
g. Relatives _________________________
h. Teachers _________________________
i. Subjects _________________________
j. Radio stations or programs _______________
k. Colors _________________________
l. Games _________________________
m. Toys _________________________
n. Outfits _________________________
o. Seasons _________________________
p. Holidays _________________________
q. Hobbies _________________________
r. Movies _________________________
3. The best gift I ever got was _________
4. I could lose myself and all sense of time when I _________________________
5. I loved learning about ________________
6. I was most joyful when I _____________
7. My happiest memory is _____________
8. I never minded _____________
9. I could _____________ for hours and not get bored.
10. I was really good at _____________
11. My favorite folk or fairy tales as a child were _____________ I especially liked the part when _____________ because _____________
12. The sayings that spoke (or still speak) to me include _____________
13. Scenes that touched (or touch) me are _____________
14. Art that moves me includes _____________
15. Happiness is _____________
16. Joy is _____________
17. My secret dream is _____________
18. I fantasize about _____________
19. I know for sure _____________
20. I love being _____________
21. I am _____________
22. If I were to make a treasure box and fill it up with what’s most important to me (which could contain symbols of what matters), it would include _____________
23. If I had one day left to live, I’d want to _____________
24. When I was a kid, I wanted to be _____________ when I grew up.
25. As a child, I imagined that as a grown-up, I _____________
26. The story I most like to tell about myself is _____________
27. I know that I am meant _____________
28. My life wouldn’t be complete if _____________
29. I am most grateful for _____________
30. My most moving life experiences to date include _____________
31. Even though I’m scared or doubtful, I know _____________
32. I’m living my passion when _____________
33. I wish I could _____________
34. Maybe I can _____________
35. I’d love to be able to _____________
36. If I were financially comfortable enough to do anything at all, I would _____________
37. My private prayer is _____________
38. I need to trust that I _____________
Hopefully, you’ve now completed the “Rediscovering Me” exercise. If not, I urge you to give yourself the gift of doing it. Finding your personal right path requires you to fully step into the process, and the exercises in this chapter are designed to help you do that.
The premise behind the “Rediscovering Me” exercise is that somewhere in the back of your mind or deep within your soul, you know who you are, where you belong or fit, and what you’re meant to be doing with your life. Given enough unencumbered space, you can begin to access your deep wisdom.
Reflect on your responses. What have you learned about what makes you tick and sing?
Now reflect on your life. How much does your life reflect what matters to you?
One way to get clarity about the fit between your essence and your life choices is to make two lists. In the first one, write down all the people, places, things, activities, and values that you hold dear. Rank them in order of importance to you, with number one being the most important, and so on.
Then make a list of all the ways you invest your energy and time. Think of a typical day, week, or month. How much time in a given week do you spend on each activity? List your involvements in order of energy spent, with number one being the most demanding, and so on.
In the ideal world, you’d be devoting the bulk of your energy or time to what’s most important to you, and the numbers would line up between the two lists. If you find that your number one priority consumes the bulk of your time, and your next concern the second greatest amount of time, and so on, you’re amazing and well on your way to wholeness!
Most people, however, find the comparison of their two lists to be far from ideal. But take heart, because you can only start from where you are. And by discovering the mismatch in your lists, you’ve identified your problems. This recognition and acceptance are the first steps in transforming your life.
Remember, Step 1 was about discovering and honoring the lessons of your story. If you think back to the questions you answered in that chapter, you probably recall considering these: When in your life have you felt the best? The worst? What or who heals you? Unsettles you? and so on. These queries were designed to get at the “right-fit” issue, and we’re now looking at that topic from another vantage point.
Begin thinking about the mismatches between your two lists, or about the disconnects you’ve noted between your essence and life choices. You can actually fix some of the problems by simply identifying them and making a conscious choice to allocate your time differently. For instance, you may value your marriage more than your social life, but realize that you’re spending more time hanging out with your work buddies than with your spouse. Simply cut down on activities with coworkers and plan more couple time into your week.
But what about the more complicated mismatches, or the confusion that lingers about who you really are? You may be concerned about the roadblocks you’ve encountered as you’ve tried to make your life reflect what matters to you the most. Are you worrying about your “stuckness”?
I’d like to tell you a story in order to show you how your answers to the questions in this step can help you find your own personal right path. While the road to authentic living may be long and tortuous, the actions you need to initiate in the Take-Charge process are straightforward and accessible. Read about Stan’s journey to see what I mean.
DISCOVERING THE LOST SELF: STAN'S STORY
Many years ago, Stan, a 52-year-old technician in the casino industry, came to me for help. He was down on himself, addicted to stimulant drugs, and living with undiagnosed ADD. He’d always felt “less than,” and actually believed that he was worthless. Although he could do his job well, he was working in a terrible setting for an addict looking to heal, and he didn’t find his work especially fulfilling either.
I was troubled by Stan’s self-assessment and worldview. Believing that all people have gifts, passions, challenges, and right fits and that his troubles had to be due to some mismatch, I urged him to tell me about his childhood and adult life. I wanted to know when he felt joyful, successful, empowered, and decisive, because his salvation depended on him accessing the essential pieces of himself and growing them. Without making a connection to his core being, Stan would have difficulty maintaining the hope and commitment necessary for doing the hard work of addiction recovery.
As my patient began to share his story, I learned that he was a gifted photographer, and he’d even previously had some professional success in pursuing his passion. But he’d come up against a brick wall when his career trajectory required him to be both organized and successful at self-promotion. Neither skill set came easily to him. On top of that, his undiagnosed ADD and addictive issues fed his problems. Without a better foundation (addressed in Steps 1 through 3) and major adjustments in the structure of his work, he couldn’t succeed—but he didn’t know that.
Seeing himself as a failure in business, Stan gave up on his love of taking pictures and entered the casino industry. By the time I met him, he’d been there for so many years that his other life was a distant memory.
I knew that this man was suffering because he was so disconnected from his core self. That split needed to be mended. I had to help him rekindle his inner flame, so I asked him to start bringing me samples of his photographic work.
Eventually, he did so, and they were great! I offered support and encouragement. I pushed him to clean out his darkroom, which had become a storage area, and to start using it again. After some time, he did that, too. As he immersed himself in the world of photography, be began to feel competent and joyful. The empowering energy that Stan generated by pursuing his gift enabled him to stay with the arduous process of therapy to take charge of his emotional life.
Stan and I worked together for a long time. We devoted the bulk of our effort to transforming his self-concept and worldview, combatting his addiction, and addressing his ADD. By the time he graduated from my care, he was much more self-confident. Although he was still working in the casino industry, he’d made photography a big part of his life. He ended his treatment feeling reborn.
Some years went by, and Stan and I lost touch with one another. Then my first book, There’s Always Hope; There’s Always Help, came out. While on a book and seminar tour, I reconnected with this patient when he came to one of my workshops. He was doing phenomenally well! He was clean and sober, having maintained his sobriety for nearly ten years. He’d recently saved up enough money to purchase a whole new set of photography equipment so that he could invest more fully in his passion. Empowered and clear about how to make his life work, he was elated and grateful. He’d come to thank me for helping him get back to knowing, trusting, and becoming who he was really meant to be.
EXAMINE YOUR PAST
You, too, can find and live your gifts; your answers are in your story. Think about Stan’s journey, and then think about your adult life. Begin to identify your experiences of success, joy, fulfillment, or flow, as well as your episodes of challenge, disappointment, frustration, or personal failure. When have you felt most creative, empowered, and decisive in your life? What were you doing? Who was supporting you? In contrast, when have you felt the most demoralized, bored, confused, overwhelmed, and hopeless? What were you doing? Was anyone making it harder for you? Write your answers on the next page or on a separate piece of paper.
What tasks, skills, demands, and structures were part of each experience? Think about the details. What are your gifts or talents? What do you need to do to reclaim these pieces of yourself? How can you begin? What might you need to do to make sure your life choices fit your nature? (You may write your answers here or on a separate piece of paper.)
Now, think about stuckness. What’s difficult for you? What do you need to do to address your difficulties? What sort of help might you need? What are you ready to take on? Commit to a plan and outline it in writing.
It might help you to hear more of Stan’s story. You already know that he had to be willing to look to his history for answers about what he was meant to do. He had to commit to a long process of many tiny steps in order to transform his life. But Stan also required medication, 12-step recovery-program tools, marital counseling, and psychotherapy in order to take charge of his emotional life.
Would you do well to adopt some of those same techniques? Where are you, and why might you be stuck on your path to take charge of your emotional life? What should you do to get moving again?
You can’t make life choices that fit your nature if you’re trapped in one place, so let’s examine some common reasons for this state. If you’ve hit a roadblock, there must be an explanation. Here are some possibilities. Which ones speak to you?
1. You have an undiagnosed or untreated condition that keeps you from being able to take charge of your emotional life.
2. You’re trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.
3. You don’t know what you ought to be doing.
4. You’re afraid to trust what you know.
5. You don’t feel entitled to live your story.
6. You’re overwhelmed by the size of the project.
7. You’re afraid of failure.
8. You devalue your gifts or magnify your limitations.
9. Your assumptions are faulty.
10. You’re living a common definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.
11. You haven’t made yourself enough of a priority.
12. You’re making progress but don’t realize it.
13. You’re impatient with yourself or the process.
14. You’re a perfectionist.
15. You’re actually there, but don’t take the time to acknowledge the blessing of where you are!
As we explore each of these possibilities, look for yourself in the descriptions. Use the tips to overcome each of the roadblocks that you experience. Feel free to add in your own strategies as well.
1. You have an undiagnosed or untreated condition that keeps you from being able to take charge of your emotional life. As you know, this is a common reason for stuckness. Think of Stan’s story or the tales we reviewed in Step 1. For example, depression makes it hard to get out of bed and concentrate; anxiety makes it difficult to think straight; ADD affects memory, concentration, focus, and level of interest; and mania makes it tough to sit still or remain on an even keel.
Tip: Whenever you’re having trouble in your life, ask yourself whether you could be suffering from an illness, disorder, or hormonal issue that’s compromising your capacity to be “in flow.” Don’t hesitate to seek help. Even if you’re already being treated for something, the interventions may need to be changed, or you may have a second, unrecognized issue. Get help to get well!
2. You’re trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. You probably recall that I experienced this mismatch when I tried to succeed in a paperwork/sales desk job. I was ill suited to the setting and work demands. Whenever we push ourselves to do something we aren’t wired for, we’ll become unsettled.
Tip: When you feel overwhelmed or frustrated, ask yourself: Am I striving to do something that’s wrong for me? Could I be trying to do the equivalent of running a marathon with a broken leg or singing in a chorus when I’m tone-deaf? Am I telling myself that I ought to be happy in this job, relationship, or outfit even though it’s not really my thing?
Be honest with yourself. If it feels wrong, there’s a good chance that it is. Let yourself move on to something better suited to your nature and gifts.
3. You don’t know what you ought to be doing. My experience is that most people say this when they’re making the “meaning-of-life” question too big in their own minds. Every single person I’ve ever worked with can identify something that gives them pleasure and something that causes them pain.
Tip: Even if you need to start from the tiniest ember of light—such as knowing that you like to sing, dance, read, write, teach, do puzzles, or build things—you can begin to find your way. You need to fan the ember, create a big flame, and ignite the passion. You can do this by making time to pursue what appeals to you.
Start with a tiny effort and grow your investment until there’s no question in your mind that you’re in flow. Don’t hesitate to experiment with various sparks until you find the ones that really glow for you; stay with the process. Your inner wisdom will guide you to the place where your light is meant to shine.
4. You’re afraid to trust what you know. Many of us live in fear of stepping into our wholeness. The unknown is scary, and the devil we know seems somehow less troubling to us than the one we don’t. But Franklin D. Roosevelt said it well: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” The worries we manufacture in our own heads are our biggest problem. We must take calculated risks if we’re to take charge of our emotional lives.
Tip: Whenever you feel afraid, remind yourself of your power to prevail. Affirm: I am meant to trust in my inner wisdom. My intuition is my guide. I owe it to myself to take on the challenges and rewards due me. I can prevail, and I intend to do so.
5. You don’t feel entitled to live your story. This is a common mantra, but it has no basis in the spiritual laws of the universe. You were put here for some reason that’s unique to you, and the world needs your contribution.
Tip: When you start doubting your right to be you, talk back to your inner critic. Don’t engage in a dialogue; just repeat a new belief over and over, creating a statement that works for you. I like this one: I need to do what I am meant to do. Or, I exist to share my passion with the world. Write your own mission statement, and say it whether you believe it or not. Doing so will empower you to live your own story.
6. You’re overwhelmed by the size of the project. Most of us find that whenever we focus on the magnitude of a goal, we get overwhelmed. This is why, for example, 12-step recovery programs urge people not to think about giving up their addictive use forever. Their mottos “One day at a time” and “Keep coming back” speak to the need to start small and build from there.
Tip: Think in terms of the big picture and little steps. In other words, identify your goal, but focus on what you need to do today in order to get there. Remember the tortoise and the hare: Slow but steady won the race.
7. You’re afraid of failure. One of my favorite lines about this subject is: “There are no failures, just slow successes.” The most accomplished and fulfilled people on the planet have lived stories of setbacks, dead ends, mistakes, and adversities overcome. The only route to fulfillment is through the dread. Eleanor Roosevelt expressed this idea eloquently: “I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do.”
Tip: Whenever you find yourself expressing fear, talk back to it. Say: There are no failures; only slow successes. The way to conquer my fear is to take action—then my fear will melt away. I can and need to do this.
8. You devalue your gifts or magnify your limitations. Many of us continue to believe that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. We agree with Groucho Marx and say, “I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.” But your talents are wondrous, and your challenges really do pale in comparison to them. It’s not your essence that’s the problem; it’s what you’re telling yourself about who you are that’s tripping you up.
Tip: Focus on what you do well, figure out what’s working in your life, and remind yourself of the good choices you’ve made to get to where you are. Or think of a challenge you’ve overcome, reminding yourself of your accomplishment. You can also come up with a way to nurture yourself in spite of your negative self-talk. How about a bath, a massage, or just a visit with a dear friend? You can begin to love yourself to wellness!
9. Your assumptions are faulty. Last week, a brave woman called me for advice during my weekly radio show. She shared her loss of joy and growing sense of helplessness, and she wondered what was wrong with her. Some years ago, in order to have more control of her time, she’d left her job to grow her own business. Now she was experiencing great success, but she was working 12 hours a day with no breaks! She’d made her life more unbalanced rather than easier, and she was feeling like a failure.
As we explored her situation, she said, “I made a lot of faulty assumptions when I decided to go this route.”
I reassured her that we all do that sometimes, and we talked about the fact that her journey into entrepreneurship was meant to teach her something. She needed to discover the lesson and move on. She was overwhelmed, joyless, and depressed because it was time to change her course.
I said, “There’s a reason you’ve gone this route. Your job is to figure out the lesson and take it with you into the next thing you do.”
“Thank you,” she responded. “I was feeling the same way. I guess I needed to hear it from someone else in order to acknowledge it.”
Tip: If you’re stuck, question your assumptions. Do you need to adjust your expectations of yourself or others? Should you cut your losses, learn your lessons, and move on? Perhaps you need to alter your beliefs about what will happen in order to be able to step into what comes next and beckons you. Assumptions can really hang you up, so challenge them!
10. You’re living a common definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. We all do this; it’s a function of the way our minds work. Certain patterns become so ingrained in our neural circuitry that we replay them over and over. In other words, our brains become almost hardwired; they behave the way computers do. But of course, anytime we replay our situation, we get back the same old result. So, for example, if you keep going from one waitress job to another, and you get fired by your manager each time, then you’re apt to get fired again—so maybe waitressing isn’t your thing.
Tip: Look at your patterns. Do you see yourself reenacting the same problem over and over again, or even the same dialogue? If so, change at least one tiny piece of your behavior at a time and see what happens. Even small shifts can move mountains.
11. You haven’t made yourself enough of a priority. Many of us neglect to put ourselves high enough up on the care list. But you can’t succeed, thrive, grow, and give back if you’re strung out and depleted. Taking charge of your emotional life requires time, energy, and other resources. Are you too busy taking care of everyone around you? Are you drained or depleted at the end of the day? How much of your schedule, energy, and money do you devote to your self-care, as compared to what you lavish on others?
Tip: Begin to examine your place on the priority list. Commit to treating yourself at least as well as you treat your friends, spouse, children, colleagues, pets, and even plants. Give yourself the best you have to offer. Only then will you accomplish what you’re meant to achieve!
12. You’re making progress but don’t recognize it. This is one of the most common problems I see in my practice. We all focus so much on our limitations and what doesn’t work in our lives that we neglect to see our gifts, growth, and progress. I spend a great deal of my clinical-care time reminding my patients of their own histories and accomplishments. It’s striking to me that they invariably agree with my account and feel better after hearing it. I think about how much healthier we’d all be if we took the time to acknowledge and celebrate our own achievements.
Tip: Make it a point each day or week to reflect on your goals and small successes. Write them down in a journal and reread them periodically. You’ll probably be amazed to discover how much you are changing.
13. You’re impatient with yourself or the process. We live in a fast-paced, drive-through, shrinking world that’s only getting more demanding, pressured, and frenetic. Gone are the days when you could get away and be truly inaccessible. We’re expected to be consistently present, productive, and perhaps even superhuman. It’s no wonder that we have unreasonable expectations of ourselves and tend to lose patience quickly. We expect a quick fix and feel like failures when our growth and transformation process follows its slow but steady course. But significant progress takes tons of time. We must hang in there if we’re to achieve our goals.
Tip: Remind yourself that nothing worth striving for comes easy. In fact, if your journey doesn’t feel slow, arduous, and frustrating, you’re probably cutting necessary corners. Tell yourself that you’re not in a race to the finish; you’re meant to savor your travels and relish the pauses. You need breaks and downtime!
14. You’re a perfectionist. So many of us are! If you’re expecting yourself to be perfect, it will be hard for you to effect change, because it’s difficult to build on your accomplishments when none of them are good enough for you. And it’s tough to take risks and step into the unknown when you’re expecting yourself to do a perfect job. That goal is too big for any human being. No one is perfect; to err is to be human. We’re all a little broken, limited, flawed, and challenged. In fact, our vulnerabilities are often what’s most appealing about us!
Tip: Tell yourself, My best is good enough. Perfection isn’t the goal. To err is to be human.
15. You’re actually there, but don’t take the time to acknowledge where you are! We seem to believe that we haven’t taken charge of our emotional lives if we still have work to do. But being alive involves facing and negotiating challenges every day. If you have your building blocks in place, you’re in charge! You may regularly need to reorganize the pieces, but as you make life choices that fit your nature, you’ll be “there” in an ongoing way.
Tip: Regularly ask yourself, Am I making life choices that fit my nature? If the answer is yes, celebrate. If no, then make the changes necessary to get to yes. You can live the life you were meant to lead—you might even be doing so already!
As you conclude your Step 5 work, let’s review what you’ve learned. You now know that you’re genetically and spiritually endowed with gifts and challenges, and you’re meant to identify and honor both in your efforts to take charge of your emotional life. You’ve called forth some of your essential pieces—those embers, sparks, or even the internal flames that give your life meaning. You’ve explored mismatches between your true self and your life choices and chosen to implement some steps and strategies to better align your being with your doing. You may even have decided to explore medical or psychological assessment, counseling, coaching, or therapy.
I urge you to invite in all the supports you need in order to work your Take-Charge program. Guides and mentors are crucial in healing. We often benefit from the voice and insight of others.
That said, we also have an amazing capacity to self-heal. We carry around a lot of beliefs that imprison us. Given enough guidance in identification and transformation of our self-destructive brain circuits, we can actually learn how to reprogram some of our negative self-talk loops on our own. And even if we can’t do it all alone, we can (and need to) do a lot of self-talk to take charge.
In Step 6, you’ll discover how to identify the learned beliefs that imprison you. You’ll master some cognitive-behavior techniques that you can use to transform your stuck-in-a-rut thinking and take charge of your emotional life.
