We need one another. Even the Bible, an ancient record of human history, tells us that when God created Adam, he determined that it wasn’t good for man to be alone. So he created a life partner for Adam, and woman was “born.” As in the biblical tale, we need one another to face and solve life’s problems, care for each other, and ensure the survival of our species.
Whether you believe that the Bible is divinely inspired or not, this lesson is enduring. Connection fosters health, fulfillment, and well-being; while loneliness, isolation, and lack of social support lead to illness and suffering. I often say, “Isolation fuels depression. Disconnection promotes anxiety. Despair destroys lives. Love heals.”
We humans are profoundly relational. Our brains, bodies, and spirits are wired to put ourselves in each other’s shoes and feel for one another; we want to reach out and help those less fortunate. We also ache to be seen, heard, touched, and understood. We want our stories to be known, to have someone care about what happens in our day, and to matter to our friends and neighbors. We’re happiest when we’re in fulfilling relationships. We thrive when we know that others are there for us—that someone will drive us to the doctor when we’re too ill to take ourselves, lend us money if we come upon tough times, and remember our birthdays.
We’ve evolved in communities for a good reason. Many studies have shown the importance of love and connection to wellness and longevity. When you feel cared for, nurtured, and supported, you’re more likely to be happy and healthy than when you feel lonely and isolated. Furthermore, when you get sick, you have a much greater chance of getting better if you aren’t on your own. Dr. Dean Ornish has compiled a lot of studies that show the relationship between connection and well-being in his book Love & Survival (which I mentioned earlier). He demonstrates that loneliness and isolation increase the likelihood of disease and premature death from all causes by 200 to 500 percent or more! We really do need one another.
Unfortunately, when it comes to respect for this enduring wisdom, we’re living in particularly scary and challenging times. Recent advances in technology, globalization, and economic forces that keep us at work for most of our waking hours have conspired to destroy much of what has kept us connected and healthy for countless generations. Too many of us are living on the edge of despair, disconnection, and burnout. As a result of our isolation and time-challenged lives, we’re experiencing more depression, anxiety, distress, disease, and addiction. More and more college students have serious mental-health issues each year, and baby boomers face a growing incidence of clinical depression. We’re in a lot of trouble as a society, and it isn’t getting better.
Think about it: How many people really know your story? How many of those are paid by you in some way (such as your masseuse, housekeeper, hairdresser, or therapist)? How much time do you spend hanging out—without every minute scheduled—with people you care about? Do you routinely drop in to see your neighbors? Do friends often call you to talk? If so, do you have time to visit with them when they do? How often do you do two things at once, such as drive and talk on the phone, or check your messages while you’re in line at the supermarket?
How many nights a week do you eat a family (or household) meal at home? Do you take the time to cook or prepare your food? When is the last time you borrowed an egg or a cup of sugar from a neighbor? How much television do you watch? What games do you play on the computer, when you could be visiting with another person instead? How often do you e-mail someone because it’s easier than finding the time to talk? And how many times do you leave voice-mail messages or play “phone tag” without actually connecting with the other party?
How much of your life do you actually share with your best friend or life partner (if you have one)? If you’re a parent, how often do you visit with your child or children without distractions—just sharing stories, ideas, concerns, and observations? What would you rather do: read a book or see a movie? How much of a real “neighborhood” do you live in—in other words, are there kids on the street playing ball or riding bikes in good weather? Do you take walks around the block and know most of the people you pass along the way? Where do you feel a sense of belonging in your life?
How long have you lived in the same town, county, state, or even country? How many long-term relationships do you have? How often do you choose FedEx over “snail mail,” e-mail over a phone call, or fast food over a home-cooked meal?
How many people are “there” for you? Who would you call to take you to the emergency room, lend you money, or sit with you if a loved one were in surgery? How many folks would step in to support you if your home burned down or you got sick? How many would help you out in times of need? How much do you give back, sharing of your time, energy, and gifts? Would others notice if you went away for some weeks without telling them that you’d be gone? Who would call to check in on you? How many people know your routines? Do you know anyone else’s habits? More than one person? How many?
If you’re like most people, you’re working more hours than your parents had to for a comparable lifestyle. You have less leisure time, are more stressed, feel routinely anxious and behind on your responsibilities, and see no end to the challenge. You go on vacation to relax but get overwhelmed with what you need to do in order to get away. You then come home to more pressure than you left originally. Upon returning, you may even question the value of leaving in the first place!
Like many others, you probably grew up in a more connected world than you now inhabit. You spent more time playing with friends without needing the structure and entertainment that characterizes kids’ playdates today. You often made last-minute plans to eat dinner with a friend, comparing menus and deciding which one was more appealing. You could do that because everyone ate at home at about the same time. Very few families do that anymore; and most kids have too much homework, participate in a bunch of extracurricular activities, and are running just as hard as their folks.
If you’re like many, you have very few real intimate and enduring relationships and can count on one hand the number of people that you rely on to be there in a crisis. You may feel lonely, isolated, and disconnected more often than you’d like to admit.
You see, I know what goes on in the intimacy of people’s lives, because I hear about it all the time. Almost everyone is feeling this pain of disconnection. And I know from my own personal life as a wife, mom, doctor, and teacher how lonely it can be to live in our “advanced” society. We’re too busy to be there for ourselves and for one another.
To be connected to others, we must first be in touch with ourselves, and as you know from Step 7, our inner connection can only come if we make space for solitude. But we don’t seem to be good at doing that. We’re bombarded with stimulation, and we’re always running because we can’t seem to get caught up. But this frenetic life we lead is a real crisis, a disaster, and even a potential death sentence. We crave connection; we need one another.
I’ve learned, both from my own life experiences and from having the opportunity to hear about the lives of many brave souls, that no matter how hard it is, we need to stop running. We’ve got to take time to be with ourselves and listen to our thoughts, bodies, and inner wisdom. We’ve got to shut out the distractions, silence the background noise, and force ourselves to create and protect be-with-myself time. We must recharge.
And then, from our place of greater wholeness, we’ve got to work at building connections into our lives. We have to swim against the current, making sure that what has healed us as a people from one generation to the next doesn’t get lost in the race to advance. This isn’t easy to do. The concept is simple, but it takes a big effort to implement . . . and doing so is crucial to our survival.
See, we all know deep down that we’ll never get everything done and that there’s always more to do. We know that we can fill every moment of our lives trying to succeed and wind up on our death beds wondering what we did with our precious time here on Earth. When most people are asked what they want to be remembered for, what matters most to them in life, or how they’d spend their remaining days if they only had a few left, the majority focus on relationship issues. They want to matter to someone, to love and be loved, and to contribute to making someone’s life better.
We most value oneness, love, and connection, yet we don’t make these things enough of a priority in our lives. As a result, we’re unhappy and unwell. We’re making ourselves sick, and we’ve got to stop it. We have to change our focus and build connections. We can take charge of our love lives, and we can heal.
In this step, you’ll consider the degree of connection and isolation you experience in your life. How often do you share your story or really listen to others? You’ll learn communication skills to foster intimacy. And after studying a list of ten tools that you can use to build your Step 8 Take-Charge strategy, you’ll choose to implement the ones best suited to your needs.
In answering the questions I posed earlier in this chapter, you’ve already begun examining your life for connections and disconnects. As you move into deeper self-reflection, I’d like to talk to you about the healing power of sharing our stories. What happens when we do that? Why is it so beneficial?
WHY SHARE STORIES?
We need to talk to others so that when we lose touch with ourselves, they can remind us of who we are and what we’ve lived. In sharing our tales, we can gain perspective; balance out our negativity; be accepted when we have trouble approving of ourselves; and clarify our own thoughts, feelings, and ideas. We each exist in relationship to others. As we listen and respond to one another, we come to know and understand ourselves a little better. Let’s look at some examples of these benefits of sharing our stories. (Although there’s overlap among all these concepts and examples, we’re examining each of them individually so that you get a good sense of why you need to share your story in order to take charge of your emotional life.)
OTHERS REMIND US OF WHO ARE AND WHAT WE'VE LIVED
I see this first benefit active in my work all the time. Often, patients will come in overwhelmed, down on themselves; or hopeless about their ability to change, grow, or make progress. But having worked with them for some time and seen dramatic change take place already, I can say something such as: “Remember when you first came to see me—depressed, unemployed, and on the verge of divorce? You’ve climbed out of that hole, found a new job, and turned your life around. Your marriage is on the mend, and you often see light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps you’re having a bad week, but you’re nowhere near the dark place you started from.”
Here’s another example of how sharing our stories enables others to remind us of our own tales. This one is about my son Gabriel (again!). He recently came home from basketball practice upset and said, “I played great. I’ve been doing really well all week, and I’m not getting recognition!”
“Gabe,” I said with a smile, “you’re doing great? And you’re upset not to be recognized? I thought you were going to tell me that you played badly. It wasn’t that long ago that you considered dropping the sport because you weren’t good enough. What’s this about?”
In a split second, Gabe’s mood and facial expression changed. With a big smile on his face, he said, “You’re right, Mom! What’s important is my improvement. It’s about the sport.” And off he went to get a snack from the kitchen—full of joy in his progress.
Here’s a third example. To be fair, I’ll share an anecdote about my older son, Benjamin—a high school senior who’s applying to colleges right now. A lot of the essay questions he must complete require him to describe his goals, passions, career plans, and accomplishments. But, like most 17-year-olds, Ben hasn’t thought about his story in that way.
He’s known for a long time that he wants to be a pediatrician and that he’s great with kids and adults of all ages. But before our family caucuses about filling out college applications, he didn’t even remember all the places where he’d worked that involved teaching and caring for kids. Once we reviewed his work history with him, he recognized how his passion had been manifesting for years. In coming to know himself better through our feedback, he figured out what to write on his applications.
Think about the power of having others know you well enough to be able to remind you of your own story when you most need to hear it. When have you had experiences like that in your life? Could you benefit from more? Record your thoughts here or on a separate piece of paper:
SHARING OUR STORIES TO GAIN PERSPECTIVE
The first illustration of this powerful benefit is from my own life. I’ll never forget one especially painful time when I was feeling a lot of financial pressure to provide for my family and my marriage was in its rocky phase. I planned to do a day-long seminar on whole-person healing—out of my own desperation, I think. The program was to include a large workbook and many other materials. Brochures went out, and people began to register.
But I was in no place to create all the needed materials by the seminar date. Since I’d said I would do so, I began to feel like a failure. This was one of the only times in my life when I’d committed to something and then felt unable to follow through. I did realize my error several months in advance, in plenty of time to refund registration fees and cut my losses, but I’d let myself down and couldn’t stop beating myself up.
Finally, I shared my self-critical perspective with my husband, who was loving and humorous. “You never do things like this,” he said. “You always do whatever you say you’re going to—you’re amazing that way. But you’re only human. This mistake you made, I make regularly. I often have trouble meeting deadlines and balancing my time. Give yourself a break. It’s no big deal.”
Upon hearing Rick’s words, I was able to regain perspective. What he said was completely correct and totally true. I needed to learn my lesson and let go of my self-flagellation. It was “no big deal.”
In my clinical practice, I often help my patients by offering perspective. We all need this when we’re anxious, overwhelmed, or depressed. When overwrought, we see things in ways that are out of whack and need reality checks to get back on track. Remember Sam’s story in Step 6? He was convinced that his job was in jeopardy when his boss hadn’t responded to his messages, but he later learned that his boss had the flu. His therapy session involved helping him regain perspective.
How often do you get a more realistic view of the situation from sharing your story with others? What comes to mind? Could you benefit from more input?
BALANCING OUR NEGATIVITY BY SHARING OURSELVES WITH OTHERS
Perhaps you’ve read my first book, There’s Always Help; There’s Always Hope. If so, you know the story of Gillie, a woman in her 40s who came to me with dissociative identity disorder, and who’s now well. In my many years of work with this patient, I’d routinely hear her say, “I’m bad. I’m ugly. I’m stupid,” and many other self-critical things.
Invariably, I responded, “I don’t see you that way.” I’d go on to tell her how I did view her. I believe that hearing my consistent, supportive remarks—my antidotes for her negative judgments—played a big role in enabling Gillie to transform her self-concept and heal.
In my work, I often hear people say, “I can’t do that,” when they don’t really know for sure, or “No one values my opinion,” when they haven’t even tried to share it. I’m regularly struck by how self-critical we all seem to be—how much we focus on the ways we’re fat, unattractive, poor, stupid, friendless, loveless, or just not enough. By sharing our stories, our inner dialogue, with those who care about us, we open ourselves up and come to realize that we’re not alone. Many of our friends—the ones we see as “more than” us—feel about themselves the way we do about ourselves. This learning is healing: We’re not alone in our pain, and we’re not as bad off as we often believe.
Think about the ways in which sharing your stories with others (or hearing theirs) have helped or would help challenge your negativity. Write your thoughts below or on a separate piece of paper.
OTHERS ACCEPT US WHEN WE HAVE TROUBLE APPROVING OF OURSELVES
Perhaps the greatest benefit you’ll gain from sharing of yourself in this way is the acceptance you’ll feel from others—even when you’re unable to accept yourself. I think that this is why all the 12-step recovery-program meetings are set up to encourage personal sharing. And no matter what people say after being called on to speak, they’re always thanked for their participation.
In AA it’s said, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” When you give honest voice to whatever you carry, you’ll be received, and you’ll heal. They also say, “Just keep coming back.” Whoever you are, whatever your journey, just show up and let others in. In doing so, you will recover.
Another example of the deep healing power that comes from acceptance is to be found in the statement “I love you.” What a heartwarming, validating, change-the-world experience we have in hearing those words! When we let others in enough to know and love us through thick and thin, we open ourselves to great joy, fulfillment, peace, and self-acceptance. Remember, love heals, and without it, we die.
Think about times you’ve been accepted and/or loved by others, whether or not you felt worthy. What comes to mind? Who, when, where, and how? Do you make yourself (safely) vulnerable enough to others in order to experience the depth of love and commitment you want to have in your life? If not, what gets in the way? Record your thoughts on the next page or on a separate piece of paper.
TALKING ABOUT OURSELVES CLARIFIES OUR THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND IDEAS
My patients frequently apologize to me as they begin telling me about something—for not having thought it through enough, for not really knowing exactly what’s bothering them or what they need. But I reassure them: “That’s exactly why you’re talking about this. You know that something is bugging you—something needs to be figured out—but you’re not sure what yet. As you talk and I ask you questions, we’ll figure it out together.” Often, they’ll even realize what they’re thinking or feeling as they hear themselves speaking!
At other times, patients will describe inner dialogues or share scenarios because they need help in making sense of them. For example, a woman named Karen told me: “I’m feeling restless, and I’ve been feeling that way for a while. It’s coming to me that I want to change almost everything about my routine, my life, where I live, how I go through my day, and who I talk to. But I know that’s just a restlessness—it’s not edited or clear at all, this desire to start over somewhere else.”
I listened to her describe her dream and devalue her inner voice. Knowing her well enough to realize that her “restlessness” made a lot of sense as she pursued her healing journey, I said, “Karen, what you said was beautiful. It was very clear, and it makes a lot of sense to me. You live where you’ve lived your whole life, yet you have negative associations with many of the people and places around you. Much of your history here has been traumatic. And you’re at a point in your healing journey where you can begin to choose where you want to live and what you want to do from a healthy place. Honor the restlessness. It’s healthy to do so, because it’s there for a reason.”
Karen listened carefully to my words and thanked me once I’d finished. Through her tone of voice, she conveyed her sense of relief and powerful validation. I’d helped her realize the meaning of her musings.
On another occasion, my patient Patricia said, “Can I just talk about what happened between me and my mother-in-law? I’m not exactly sure what to say, but we had a big fight. I know I need to learn something about my issues and about how to deal with her differently, but I have no idea how to understand the problem or what I’m doing wrong.”
As we visited the history of the relationship and the specifics of the recent fight, it became clear that Patricia was looking to her mother-in-law for love and validation that she wasn’t going to get there. Having been abused by her own mother for many years, she was looking for someone to fill this maternal role in the wrong place. Oftentimes, when her husband’s mom would behave as in-laws often do and treat her as just a relative by marriage, Pat would feel wounded. She’d get angry and demand things that the woman wasn’t prepared to give. Fights would invariably ensue.
As soon as Pat saw this dynamic clearly, she knew what to do to better care for herself and to repair the relationship. The insight that came from sharing her dilemma was powerfully healing.
Think about the ways and times that you’ve clarified your own thoughts, feelings, and ideas by opening yourself to others. What have you learned? Who has helped you, and in what ways? Do you talk about yourself enough or too much? Do you ask for input and listen to what others have to say? Write your reflections below or on a separate piece of paper.
CULTIVATING INTIMACY: ISSUES IN COMMUNICATION
By now you’ve devoted a lot of thought to how much connection you experience in your life. You’ve also explored the ways you share and withhold your story. You understand the importance of cultivating intimacy as you take charge of your emotional life. You probably recognize that you need to push yourself to be more open and trusting with others.
But you may be fearful of making yourself more vulnerable. Or you may be trying to connect but keep finding that you have trouble getting close to others in spite of your attempts to do so. So let’s look at fear and communication issues a bit.
It’s always scary to share ourselves. In doing so, we make ourselves vulnerable to criticism, rejection, or abandonment. As I discussed in Step 5, we’re powerfully driven by the need for approval. As kids, we all need this from our parents in order to survive. The teaching to be what others want or need you to be is deeply ingrained. We can carry the dread of disapproval forward in profound ways. In some deep and primitive fashion, we may fear for our survival when we aren’t accepted for who we are.
Additionally, the more we open ourselves to others—the more we share our weak, sensitive, and vulnerable spots—the more likely we are to be hurt. Those who know us best can support us most, but they can also injure us very deeply. They can attack us in ways that wound, and they can abandon us both emotionally and physically. Whenever we step into intimacy, we invariably accept great joy and deep pain. They come together; we can’t have one without the other.
But we’re not in danger the way we were as kids. As adults, we can weather, survive, and grow stronger each time we’re hurt. In fact, from our pain we learn about joy. In losing someone, we learn what we have; when in the valley, we often develop a greater love for the mountain. We need the downs of life to recognize and appreciate the ups. And most people who love or have loved deeply say that the heartache is a small price to pay for the magic, wonder, and deep joy found in the bond with another.
So I urge you to push yourself to be open. Use affirmations, visualizations, psychotherapy, prayer, and whatever else you need to empower yourself to take risks. Open your heart, mind, and soul to other human beings. Don’t allow fear to limit, govern, or control you. Step into your life fully, wholly, and optimistically. The universe will support you in your efforts. You need not fear.
But how are you supposed to talk to other people? And what does it really mean to listen? What is healthy, effective communication? These are crucial questions for us to explore. We often think that we’re communicating, when we’re actually building walls and setting up barriers. We routinely judge, devalue, and criticize one another without even realizing what we’re doing. We focus on the other people instead of ourselves, and we usually tell them what they should do or what they’re doing wrong. But the kind of sharing that fosters intimacy is accepting, supportive, respectful, humble, and most important, nonjudgmental.
In order to help you communicate more effectively, I want to give you a template to use when talking about yourself and working to connect with others:
Say the following, inserting a statement of fact and a feeling word:
When you _____[a]_____, I feel _____[b]_____.
[a] = a nonjudgmental statement of fact, such as “walk out of the room while I’m speaking”
[b] = a feeling word or a description of an emotional state, such as “hurt” or “devalued”
Be sure not to add the words like, that, or as if after the word feel in the above template. As soon as you do so, you shift the focus away from you and your feelings, onto the other person. You’re then likely to say something critical about him or her.
You probably realize that judgments create distance between people. In contrast, when we share our pain, struggles, joys, and challenges with one another, we foster empathy and connection. This honest kind of sharing in which you make yourself vulnerable is healing.
Use the template from this section to increase the degree of connection you experience as you work Step 8 of your Take-Charge program.
TOOLS TO BUILD A CONNECTION
In the final portion of this chapter, you’ll consider a series of connection-building tools or strategies. As you read through each of the ten suggestions, think about which ones you’d like to incorporate in your Take-Charge process. At the end of this section, you’ll find a place to record your thoughts and commit to your plan on paper. The suggestions you’ll explore are:
1. Be present.
2. Listen to learn.
3. Share feelings.
4. Commit to being there.
5. Open yourself to the experiences of others.
6. Reach out and touch someone.
7. Join a group.
8. Plant a garden.
9. Care for a pet.
10. Create partnerships.
1. Be present. So much of the time when we’re in the company of others—even when we’re talking to them—we aren’t really present. We answer our cell phones in the middle of discussions, work on our computers while listening to our spouses, and pay bills while on the phone with our dear friends and relatives. Think about this phenomenon for a moment. Do you feel heard and received by others when they’re multitasking as you’re trying to share an experience with them? How often are you the one who’s not really there for someone else?
So often when we could be present for the person next to us in line at the supermarket or the beauty of the sunrise just in front of us, we’re really elsewhere. We’re on the phone, checking our Blackberries for e-mail, or tuned in to our iPods. We’re busy planning or worrying about tomorrow and losing all connection to today. We’re strung out, unsettled, and out of touch with whoever and whatever might heal us.
Suggestion: Choose to do one thing at a time for an hour each day, week, or even month. Decide to keep your cell phone off whenever you’re visiting with a friend. Or, out of the myriad of internal and external distractions you bring into your own life, pick one to cut down or eliminate all together.
2. Listen to learn. How often do you listen to others just so that you know when it’s time for you to talk and share back? And how many times have you spoken of your needs, hurts, or challenges only to feel misunderstood or dismissed by the other person?
Although few of us do this, we need to step into the other person’s experience as we visit with one another. Many faith traditions teach the ideas Treat your neighbor as yourself or Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. We must learn what it’s like to be the other. An ancient Native American proverb says: “Do not criticize your neighbor until you have walked a mile in his moccasins.” Cultivating empathy should be the goal of communicating. And empathy—love of the other—is what heals.
Suggestion: Look at how often you engage in conversation to learn about the experience of another. Think about someone in your life whose story you barely know, or reflect on a time when you gave advice before fully understanding the challenge that someone was trying to describe. Consider your prejudices, your unchallenged beliefs about those less fortunate or privileged than you.
Decide to get to know someone better, to listen longer in conversation before giving advice, or to expand your mind and consider new ideas about what might lead a group of people to be as they are. Figure out some way to cultivate more empathy for others in your life.
3. Share feelings. Remember the lesson you learned in the “Cultivating Intimacy” section of this chapter? You make the greatest connection to others when you use “I feel . . .” statements in conversation. Becoming proficient in this way of communicating takes practice, and you might even want to pick up a copy of my first book, There’s Always Help; There’s Always Hope, to work on this skill. It contains a Feelings Vocabulary, an extensive list of words that you can use to become adept at naming your emotional state. It’s really important to your growth to let others know how you’re feeling. Strange as it may seem, the more ashamed, scared, isolated, less than, or alone you feel, the more benefit you’ll gain from letting others in. You’re never as bad off as you think or feel you are.
Suggestion: Look at how often you let others know what you’re feeling. Is this an area of strength for you? How can you improve? Pick one person in your life with whom you’ll try to be more open. It could be a friend, relative, or therapist. What do you need to share? Commit to telling them.
4. Commit to being there. One of the most important things you can do to build connection is to resolve to be there for others. This may mean getting married; choosing to become a parent; being someone’s best friend or exercise buddy; or joining a committee at your local church, school, or town hall. It might involve signing up to deliver meals to the homeless every Tuesday, walking your friend’s dog twice a week, or even participating in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program and helping a needy child.
The most crucial element of this suggestion and what makes it healing is its consistency in your life. You do it on a regular basis. You know you’ll be there, and others can count on your presence.
Suggestion: Examine your commitments. Are there enough of them in your life? What do you reliably do? What can people count on you for?
Plan to add an additional responsibility to your life, or adjust your involvement in one of your ongoing roles or activities to reflect your desire for greater connection. Or stop doing something you’re already committed to in order to take on something that you can do more regularly or wholeheartedly.
5. Open yourself to the experiences of others. We can build connections by learning about others through magazines, newspapers, lectures, classes, films, and excursions. This is a way to immerse ourselves in another’s way of life, day-to-day challenges, and individual triumphs without even knowing that person. We tap into our own potential for pain, pleasure, hope, despair, triumph, and inspiration by visiting the journeys of our fellow travelers. In doing so, we’re often moved to make a difference.
Suggestion: Think about how often you step into someone else’s experience through mediums other than conversation. Would you benefit from doing more? Consider taking a class, reading a memoir or social commentary, joining a book group, or watching a documentary. Choose one way to increase your knowledge of another person’s world.
6. Reach out and touch someone. There are so many ways to connect with one another. We can, of course, do so physically with a handshake, hug, kiss, or even massage. But we can also do it with a smile, a compliment, a willingness to let someone pull in front of us in traffic, a thank-you, a “thinking-of-you” note, a piece of candy, a charitable donation, an invitation, a volunteer job, or a home-cooked meal.
We touch one another when we offer or receive help, support, concern, or acknowledgment. And it takes so little from us to say, “Have a blessed day,” “Thank you for thinking of me,” or “I’m so glad you’re in my life.” We don’t do this enough. Instead, we often ignore, criticize, and attack one another way more than we reach out and give back. But remember, love is what heals.
Suggestion: Think about how much you do to reach out and touch others. How often do you offer little niceties to those you care about? How about to strangers? How much do you share of what you have?
Choose someone to connect with, and list three things that you’ll do to make their week just a little more pleasant. Decide to say “Thank you” whenever someone extends themselves to you, or to engage in a few random acts of kindness every Sunday. Pick anything else you want to do to reach out and touch someone, and then make sure you do it!
7. Join a group. Whenever people come together around shared interests, values, or needs, miracles happen. The immediate connection that results from sharing a challenge or purpose is deeply healing. I’ve seen wonderful things occur when people join regular yoga or exercise classes, meditation groups, churches, synagogues, ashrams, book clubs, or supportive gatherings (such as AA, OA, Weight Watchers, and bereavement groups). In fact, I could make a list of possible organizations for you to join that would fill an entire book! The number of psychotherapy and support groups alone is huge.
Suggestion: Think about the groups you belong to. How many are there? What’s the purpose of each one? Do they fit your values and needs? Are you a regular participant? Would you do well to join an additional community or to increase your level of involvement in one you belong to already? Make a list of those that appeal to you, and compare it with a rundown of your current activities. Then bring the two lists into alignment. Commit to increasing your involvement in things that matter to you, because you’ll build connections this way.
8. Plant a garden. Life is about planting seeds. Much of what we do is like planting a garden—digging holes; putting possibilities into the ground; nurturing what might grow with sun, water, fertilizer, and love; and waiting to see what emerges from our efforts. The bulk of what happens is unseen and silent, under the ground. But then, wonder of wonders, a tender shoot pokes through the earth, and before we know it, we’re looking at a marigold, a daisy, or a morning glory.
Taking charge of your emotional life is like planting a garden. You’re doing things moment by moment that have no obvious impact at the time; sometimes they may even seem useless or crazy. But then, like the shoot that pokes up through the earth, they begin to pay off. You start to see dramatic change, transformation, and real healing in yourself.
Given these similarities, it probably won’t surprise you to learn that caring for plants is deeply healing. Having and maintaining a relationship with the wonder of trees and flowers—living things that depend on you and enrich your life in return—fosters a sense of meaning, peace, and deep connection to the mystery of existence. Many spiritual journeys inward occur in nature, whether beneath a tree, beside a river, or on a mountaintop. Connection to the natural world is deeply beneficial for personal growth . . . and it might just start with pulling weeds.
Suggestion: Think about your connection to plants, trees, flowers, and nature in general. Do you spend enough time outdoors, tending to plants, or arranging flowers? Do you even take the time to smell a rose or walk barefoot upon freshly cut grass? When is the last time you collected beautiful fall leaves or visited an arboretum?
Plan to spend some time in nature each week. Decide if this means tending to a houseplant, weeding a garden, or taking a walk beneath the tall oak trees in your neighborhood. Figure out what it means to you to plant a garden, and start doing so.
9. Care for a pet. How many times have you smiled upon seeing a cute puppy, a tiny kitten, or a foal struggling to stand for the first time? Do you feel better after petting a bunny or cuddling an affectionate dog? Would you rather buy a calendar with scenes of baby animals or still-life paintings on each page? What feelings come up when you remember a beloved animal from your childhood?
Pets heal. Our ongoing relationships with these creatures augment our immune function, increase our experiences of meaningfulness, and lengthen our days. We live longer if we have these companions in our lives.
Suggestion: Think about your involvement with animals. Do you have pets? Have you had them in the past? Do you volunteer at a local animal shelter or feed the ducks at your local pond? In what ways does being with these creatures heal you? Is it through viewing pictures, petting them, observing them, joining the Sierra Club, or caring for them yourself? How might you bring a relationship with animals into your life? Pick some action that makes sense to you and begin doing it. You’ll probably be surprised to discover how healing this activity can be.
10. Create partnerships. You’ve probably heard these expressions:
• The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
• One plus one equals more than two.
• What we create together is more wonderful than what either one of us could come up with alone.
These statements all speak to the notion that there’s greater potential between “us” than there is within each person alone. Remember what you read at the beginning of this chapter, that ancient biblical message: It is not good for man to be alone. We need one another.
How many people do you partner with in life? Consider your spouse, lovers, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, children, friends, colleagues, therapists, personal trainers, mind-body healers, doctors, lawyers, coaches, accountants, committee members, fellow church members, and whoever else comes to mind. Think about the nature and quality of each relationship. Which ones enhance your life? Are there enough of them?
Suggestion: After taking a careful inventory of the number and quality of your partnering relationships, reflect on how well you build connections that change an “I-you” dynamic into a “we.” With whom on your list can you reasonably say one plus one is greater than two? Can you say that often enough?
Decide to increase the number or quality of your partnerships. Do so by hiring a coach, revisiting the rules of engagement with a friend, or cultivating relationships with co-workers who are like-minded. Do whatever works for you to build productive connections in your life. You need to partner, and you can do so to great personal advantage.
You’ve come to the end of Step 8, so take some time to reflect on what you’ve learned. How have you benefited from sharing your story with others? Where do you get hung up? What are you planning to change? Which connection-building strategies do you intend to implement as part of your Take-Charge program? Record your insights and plan below, or on a separate piece of paper.
I want to congratulate you on how far you’ve come. You’ve now visited and worked eight steps and have acquired many more tools! You deserve hearty acknowledgment: Bravo to you! I encourage you to say these words to yourself: Bravo to me!
Celebrate your successes to date, and allow the pleasure you generate by doing so to spur you on in your healing journey. You can take charge of your emotional life, and you are well on your way to doing so!
