Welcome to Step 9: Live in the Power of the Possible. We live in seemingly impossible and challenging times. We’re bombarded with negativity and a focus on what doesn’t work, on all that’s wrong. Most of our “breaking news” is about death, danger, disease, violence, and corruption. As we watch TV, listen to radio news broadcasts, read the headlines on our computer screens, and peruse our local newspapers, we’re absorbing a lot of negative energy. We’re struck by what a miserable world we inhabit, and we may even find ourselves feeling depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, or numb. We can only take so much of this, but it may seem as if we’re surrounded by blackness. We hear so few stories about the power of human potential, the ability of humankind to triumph over adversity, or the benefits that come from doing good deeds.
Whether we recognize it or not, messages such as “The world is dangerous,” “Bad things constantly happen to good people,” and “You never know who you can trust” begin to seep in. Our anxiety, self-doubt, and potential for despair are activated by the media. Beyond that, marketing messages that encourage us to focus on our faults, problems, and limitations (in order to sell us the solutions) further feed our experiences of personal failure, impossibility, and hopelessness. We may think, I’m not enough, and I never will be. Why bother?
I’m deeply troubled by how often we’re told to “be realistic,” that achieving our hopes and dreams is impossible, and that we need to accept our lot in life and defer to those who “know better.” I worry about how little we’re encouraged to trust our guts; to believe in the power of what’s possible; and to search for guides, mentors, doctors, and supporters who can help us actualize our gifts. I wish that I’d been given a flowering plant each time a person told me that my first book wouldn’t sell or that I’d never find a “partner” in a publishing house. I’d have a beautiful garden by now!
So much of the anxiety, distress, and depression that we all experience is a result of how much we live in the power of impossibility. We’ve learned to tell ourselves: I’m not good enough, I can’t do that, There’s no use in trying, They’re out to get me, and The little guy can’t succeed against the behemoth corporation. We’ve learned to feel helpless. Progressively more victimized by the messages that surround us, we’re prone to despair, checking out, and giving up.
But we can overcome! I have unflagging faith in the power of the human spirit to triumph over adversity. I believe in you and your capacity to create miracles. I know that by learning to live in the Power of the Possible, you can transform your life. You can find options where there were none, joy where there was only pain, and fulfillment where there was just despair. In Step 9, I intend to teach you how to do that.
But what does it mean to live in the Power of the Possible? What must you tell yourself day in, day out? How can you neutralize and transform the forces of negativity within your mind and in the world around you?
Do you remember The Little Engine That Could? If not, go out and get yourself a copy of this wonderful children’s book, and read it over and over. It’s the story of how a poor, tired little blue engine who’d never made it over the big hill before was willing to take a chance and try to help out another train whose engine had broken down. The broken train was carrying toys for all the children on the other side of the mountain. Many more powerful engines had already come by and refused to help; they were full of excuses.
But the little blue engine was willing to step into the power of possibility. Wanting to help, she was committed to trying to accomplish what would be a huge feat for her. She chose to attempt what many would say was impossible, and she was successful!
So how did she do it? First, she was willing to say yes. And then, mustering every single bit of energy she had, she began pushing herself and pulling all of the cars full of toys behind her. As she slowly but surely began to climb the hill, she kept affirming herself, I think I can— I think I can—I think I can. And believing in the possibility that she could triumph, she did.
You see, she didn’t know for sure. So she didn’t say, “I will succeed,” but she surely didn’t know that she couldn’t either. Unlike many of the more able and powerful engines who said, “I can’t,” she chose to open herself to the possibility that she could. She was willing to believe in what might be, to act in accordance with it, and thus bring it about. This is what it means to live in the Power of the Possible. You must be willing to believe in the energy of what might be and then choose to step fully into doing what must be done to enable that possibility to be actualized.
Living this way means challenging your negativity, false assumptions, and laziness. It involves committing to affirm yourself, push yourself, and surround yourself with those who believe in you. It requires you to monitor yourself for those “impossible” messages, to challenge them whenever they arise, and to remind yourself of what just might be.
Think about it. How often do you say: “I can’t,” “They won’t,” “It’s hopeless,” or “It will never work,” when you don’t know for sure you’re right? And how frequently do you tell yourself (or others): It’s too much effort, It’s not worth it, or Why bother? when doing whatever “it” is could yield awesome results? Have you ever been heard to say “That’s impossible” when the reality is that it’s not, or “It’s crazy to think I could do that” when you’re just too scared to try? Have you said “I give up” before you put forth your very best effort? Have you ever refused to get help when you were struggling with something because you thought, If I can’t do it myself, it can’t be done? How many times have you given up on a relationship that mattered to you—be it with a friend, co-worker, or relative—without even talking about the problem because it was “too difficult” or “it just couldn’t be worked out”?
Record your thoughts below or on a separate piece of paper.
If you’re like most of us, you’ve done all of the above many times. We all get stuck in “impossible” thinking some times, and we’re never well served when we do.
I’d like to tell you a story about the power of possibility that relates to how I “ended up” in Tucson, where I’ve been for about two and a half years. I’d lived in the northeastern part of the United States almost my whole life, and until about 14 years ago, I hadn’t even known that a place like Tucson really existed. I came here on a brief vacation when my two now-teenage sons were still in preschool, and something magical happened: A seed got planted. It was the seed of possibility, a wondrous little spark of what might someday be.
I fell in love with Tucson, this jewel of a city in the blooming Sonoran desert, surrounded on all sides by mountains that are visible from almost anywhere. That December, as my husband and I hiked in the easily accessible peaks, it was 60 degrees and sunny. The birds were chirping up a storm, and I was shedding layers of clothing. The saguaro cacti towered all around me, and I felt the presence of the spirits of the ancestors that Native Americans believe reside in the plants.
Tucson is the only city in Arizona that has a medical school, and no matter where people live in the community, they can easily get to the school and its hospital complex. There’s a Jewish community here, which matters to me, and an openness to holistic thinking about life and human well-being that isn’t nearly as prevalent as it ought to be in our world. Tucson reaches out and grabs you if you’re meant to be here. And that December, lo those many years ago, it grabbed me.
But I had a full outpatient psychiatric practice in Philadelphia. I was involved with a lot of folks, committed to seeing them through the long healing journey to wellness. And my husband had a busy urogynecology practice of his own. He couldn’t readily leave it, and he had no interest in doing so anyway. “Tucson is way too hot in the summer,” he told me. My folks were in the Northeast and were unable or unwilling to move. I was their main support at the time.
But the power of possibility spoke to me on that visit, and it wouldn’t quit. So when I got back to Philadelphia, I contacted the Arizona medical-licensing board. Believing that I was someday meant to move to Tucson, I became licensed to practice here. And without knowing for sure if I’d ever come, I regularly renewed my license. There was something about paying my 400-plus dollars each time the bill arrived that was about living in possibility. I never questioned my need or desire to keep doing it; I just wrote my check and sent it off.
Meanwhile, I maintained a busy psychiatric practice in Philadelphia, where I saw patients for 45 hours a week, year after year. But as time went by, I became increasingly distressed about how broken our models of care and intervention are. I kept helping people recover and graduate from treatment who, before meeting me, had been stuck in a never-ending cycle, searching for solutions and getting nowhere. I felt the need to share what I was learning about the power and ways of whole-person healing. I wanted to assist the myriad individuals like you, whom I might never have the opportunity to meet as a solo practitioner.
I realized that I needed to start writing, teaching, and speaking publicly to do this. But I couldn’t pursue that and maintain a full-time clinical practice. So as each one of my patients graduated, I kept the slot that had been theirs open in my schedule. I didn’t take on new patients. Eventually, I had enough time available to write There’s Always Help; There’s Always Hope, in which I recorded some of my patients’ stories.
There was an amazing side benefit to making that dramatic and conscious change in my clinical practice: My work no longer tied me to Philadelphia! During that time, my mother died, and my father would have gone anywhere with me. And it just so happened that my husband had given up clinical work some years before—a casualty of the rising cost of medical-malpractice insurance, coupled with the decline in reimbursement for patient care. Unable to make a living in medicine, he’d taken a job in industry. While committed to his work, he was no longer tethered to Philadelphia either.
One day when Rick came home from work, we sat together in our living room to talk. It was a cold, gray winter day. Ice had covered the ground for weeks, and I’d been unable to take my daily walk outside for at least a month. “I really hate it here,” I told him. “And I don’t want to live in this area for the rest of my life. The kids [we now had four] are all at a reasonable enough point in their education to change schools without too much disruption. I’d like to go to Tucson over their spring break to research what it might be like to live there. The kids can visit the schools they would go to; and we can explore the Jewish community, look at job options, houses, whatever. Let’s see if it’s possible for us to move there—if we’re willing and ready to leap into something new. We’ll have to do it this summer or wait until the boys both finish high school.”
The passage of time brings about wondrous things. My husband sat in rapt attention and listened to me, as tears poured down my cheeks. “I’m ready to do that now, too,” he said. “Let’s go and see how we feel. I can imagine making a life there. I surely haven’t been able to experience the life I thought I’d be having here, so I’m willing to check it out.”
You, dear reader, know the end of this story, because I’ve told you that I live in Tucson now. But I want to share how clear it became that following my hunch, trusting my gut sense, and choosing to believe in the power of possibility enabled me to actualize what was meant to be.
We came to Tucson over spring break, and the kids immediately fell in love with this place. As soon as our plane landed and we began walking through the airport, the magic took hold. The sun was setting, and as we looked out the windows while walking toward baggage claim, we saw mountains everywhere. The sky glowed a gorgeous red, yellow, and orange.
The children gasped and—each seemingly more moved than the others—said, “It’s awesome, Mom! Let’s move here.” Within the next few days, they visited the schools they might attend, and they each had a positive experience. All four were willing to make the change. My husband and I found a house to buy within two days, sold our Pennsylvania home for more than the asking price in just 24 hours on the market, and made the contact that ultimately led to my husband’s current job. Rick and I returned to Philadelphia with a very deep sense that this was meant to be.
Today is January 16th. At sunrise I started my day off walking a path that I often follow. As I hiked up the steep hill around the corner from my home, I watched the sun rise over the mountains and listened to the birds sing as they darted from the saguaros to the mesquite trees to the palo verdes all around me. The air was crisp and cool for Tucson—winter mornings in the desert are awesome. The temperature was probably about 55 degrees when I started out, but as the sun rose, the air warmed quickly. You can’t help but feel it. Living here means you’re immersed in nature—it’s part of the magic of this place.
This morning as I crested the hill, I found myself thinking, I love Tucson. I thought back to that time in my life many years before when the city reached up and grabbed me in its loving arms. Had I not listened to the call, trusted in the power of possibility, and been willing to be patient and brave, I’d still be living in Pennsylvania, and I wasn’t happy there. So here I am, living my dream, all because I was willing to trust in the Power of the Possible. If I can do it, so can you!
I’d like you to begin thinking about your hopes, prayers, and wishes for yourself. What do you want to see happen? What would you like to imagine could come to pass? I urge you to suspend your disbelief. Almost anything is possible; almost nothing is impossible. Let everything that comes into your mind, body, and spirit matter. Each message is there for a reason. Make notes of what you wish for here or on another sheet of paper.
Perhaps you hope for inner peace, more free time, a life partner, children, career success, self-acceptance, self-love, good health, financial security, joy, a pet, a garden, or a dwelling that really feels like home. Whatever it is, it’s possible . . . but you may not believe that. You most likely tell yourself “impossible” things such as: Get real, Who are you kidding, and That will never happen. You probably cut yourself off from realizing your dreams before you even get started naming them. We all do that sometimes.
Devote some thought to how you shut down your wishes for your life. How do you extinguish hope? What do you say?
When you live the Power of the Possible, you banish your naysayers, your inner critics, and your doom-and-gloom voices. You work to identify them and then stop them in their tracks by using tools such as the thought-stopping technique and affirmations described in previous chapters. If, for example, you don’t know with absolute certainty that you can’t find a life partner, then you must stop it whenever you hear yourself say, “I can’t.” Instead, you must say, “It’s possible that I will,” and step fully into doing whatever must be done to actualize that possibility. It might involve online dating, letting your friends know that you’re looking, or participating in social activities with other like-minded individuals. It could mean giving the people you meet more of a chance than you do now, adjusting your expectations of others, or challenging your notions of romantic love. You must trust that it is possible for you to find a life partner if you really want one, and then do whatever you can to make it happen.
Living in the Power of the Possible means many things. While the concept stays the same, it may take time to recognize how to apply it to a series of different situations. Since you probably need to practice bringing this idea into your life, I’d like to walk you through a group of ten possibility questions, with anecdotes that demonstrate the lessons of the first five. As you read and consider the possibilities presented, ask yourself the questions, too. Think about how you can apply the teachings in each section to your own story.
CONSIDER-THE-POSSIBILITIES EXERCISE
1. Is it possible that you’re wonderful just the way you are, and that your self-doubt or anxiety is the problem? I was seeing Fred in my office for a consultation. He’d just finished his first semester of college and was home on winter break. His dad, a colleague of mine, had asked me to see the young man because he’d had a tough term. A straight-A and honor student in high school, he’d found the rigor of college courses and the lack of structure quite challenging. He’d done fine (his grades were mostly B’s), but he was convinced that he wasn’t smart enough to make it in college. He didn’t even know if he wanted to go back.
As Fred talked about his experiences at school, I began to see a pattern. He’d started each course with optimism and openness, but he’d gotten a B on the first test or paper in each class. Although he hadn’t yet learned how to succeed in college at the level he was accustomed to in high school, he was immediately devastated. He started telling himself, I’m not smart enough to excel, and convinced himself that he was right. He chose not to go for the extra help that all the freshmen were encouraged to make use of because he was sure it wouldn’t make a difference. Although he made it through the rest of the semester without his performance suffering even more, he found the whole experience so overwhelming and demoralizing that he didn’t want to return.
Fred struck me as a very bright young man. When he described the courses he’d taken during his senior year of high school—in which he’d excelled—I could tell that he was a brilliant kid. But he’d never before had to work at his studies to do well, and he clearly didn’t know how to do so.
“Fred,” I said, “you’re a gifted student who can do phenomenally well in college, but you have to learn how to study. You’ve never had so much work to do on your own time, so few hours in the classroom, and such a need to be focused in your study hours. I really believe that your self-doubt, and consequent unwillingness to go for coaching help, is the problem.
“Would you be willing to start the next semester believing that it is possible for you to excel? Will you sign up for study-skills coaching right away and give yourself every opportunity to succeed? I’d be glad to see you again if you have trouble improving your performance, but I doubt that will happen. What do you think?”
Fred decided to trust my assessment of the situation enough to do what I recommended. We shook hands, and I wished him well.
Some months passed and I hadn’t heard from Fred. Then one spring morning I ran into his dad in the hospital where we both worked. “I can’t thank you enough,” he said. “Fred did exactly what you suggested. He’s getting straight A’s again, but more important, he’s excited about being in school. And he was so moved by the power of your lesson that he decided to teach study skills to incoming freshmen. He goes around the dorms sharing his story to get his fellow students to sign up for help.”
Grateful to hear of these developments, I told Fred’s dad, “I only suggested that your son banish his self-doubt and consider the possibility that he could excel. I’m so glad he chose to do that.”
Consider whether your self doubt or anxiety is the problem. Is it possible that you’re wonderful just the way you are?
2. Is it possible that the little things you worry about all the time aren’t nearly as important as you think they are? You probably have an immediate “yes” response to this question, as almost all of us relate to this dynamic. I believe that the universality of this problem is the main reason that the book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff . . . and It’s All Small Stuff is such a success. We all “sweat stuff” a lot and think our worries matter. But we also know deep down inside that we’re often spinning our wheels, wasting energy, and focusing on insignificant issues.
When I was about 18 years old, I escorted groups of adults two, three, and four times my age to Eastern Europe and what was then the Soviet Union. I worked for a U.S.-based tour-packaging company, and my job was to travel with the groups and make sure that everything ran smoothly. I worked with the local city guides, hotels, airlines, and so on. For some reason, I found very little of it overwhelming, but I did always worry, What if we get to Moscow or Leningrad and the local guide with the bus doesn’t meet me at the airport? This could be a big problem.
You see, in the USSR at that time, the government owned and ran all tourist operations—including the hotels and local tour-guide agencies. For reasons of “security,” tour groups weren’t told where they’d be staying in advance. The Intourist guide who met us at the airport would tell us what hotel we’d be going to and have a bus ready to take us there. How will I possibly know where to go and what to do with my group of 30 to 40 tourists if no local help appears? I would worry . . . a lot!
And then, guess what? It happened! I got to Moscow with 35 travelers, and no guide appeared. It turned out that I had no time to worry. I designated one group member as the leader, parked all my tourists around him, and told him to keep everyone together until I returned. I’d find out what to do.
And off I went. I quickly found an Intourist representative in the airport who got on the phone immediately. In rapid-fire Russian, he sorted out what had happened, secured a bus for us, ascertained where we were meant to stay, and told me that our guide would be at the hotel by the time we got there.
In no time flat, my group was en route to our accommodations— and no one besides me and the driver had any idea that there’d even been the slightest glitch in the plans. As I sat at the front of the bus, microphone in hand, pointing out and describing the sights along the way, I realized that my long-standing worry had been much ado about nothing.
Today, whenever I hear myself or any of my patients say, “What will I do if . . . ?” and then go on to describe some worry about what might be, I reply, “We’ll deal with it when we get there.” Reminding myself and those I serve that there will be a solution when the time comes is deeply comforting. It allows the worrier to relax and let go.
Consider whether the small things that you worry about all the time are as important or worrisome as you make them out to be. Is it possible that you’re more capable than you give yourself credit for?
3. Is it possible that your assumption about what will happen is wrong? We so often play the role of prophet, convinced that we know what will happen when we actually have no reason to believe that our predictions are correct. “I can’t do that because . . .” we say. The latter part of our sentence is, of course, some statement about what will absolutely happen if we do whatever it is.
My patient Denise had finally agreed to meet with a sales rep, Jack, who kept hounding her. She couldn’t keep saying no, but she had no intention of buying anything from him. Beyond that, she was very busy and didn’t want to spend an hour over coffee with him. “Well, just tell him the truth,” I told her. “You’re not in a position to place an order with him at this point, and you can’t spare the time.”
“I can’t do that,” Denise said. “I’ll hurt his feelings. And I see him in social situations.”
The two of us began to explore her response. “Is it possible you’re wrong?” I asked. “Jack is a salesman, so he’s used to being turned down like this. Pushing to get together is what he does to make and close deals. But he, like everyone in his profession, knows that ‘No, thank you’ comes with the territory. What makes you think he’s so fragile?”
As Denise sat with the question, she realized that she could, of course, be wrong. Empowered to set the boundaries she needed in order to take care of herself, she called Jack to cancel the meeting.
“No problem,” he replied. “I’m sure we’ll have other opportunities to get together in the future.”
Denise was impressed with his resiliency. “I learned a big lesson,” she said.
Consider whether your assumptions about what will happen are wrong. How often do you play prophet? Is it possible that you hold yourself back by assuming you know things that you really don’t?
4. Is it possible that you’re attributing an incorrect motivation to someone else’s behavior and suffering as a result? One day when Georgette came for her regular psychotherapy session, she said, “I need to talk to you about what happened last night.” As she tried to complete her next sentence, she began to cry.
“It’s okay, Georgette,” I said. “You’re clearly upset, but that’s why you need to talk. When you’re ready, just start telling me what happened.”
Within a minute, she calmed down enough to share her deep pain of rejection. An old friend named Violet had been withdrawing more and more, and the previous night’s events had been the culmination of Georgette’s growing distress. Violet was at home but wouldn’t come to the phone when my client called and reached Violet’s husband. He said that she “didn’t want to talk.”
I asked Georgette to describe the history of the friendship. Before her move away two years earlier, she and Violet had lived in the same city for many years. They spent most mornings working out at the same gym, eating breakfast together, talking on the phone, and taking trips. They were close buddies who shared the details of their lives on a regular basis.
But in the last several years, they’d grown more and more apart. Georgette would reach out and call Violet, get together with her when she returned to her old town, and invite her to come visit her in her new home. But Violet initiated few contacts and never paid Georgette a visit.
My client began to feel hurt. She said to herself, Maybe she doesn’t really care about me the way I thought she did. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. She carried this pain forward. Then, when Violet was too wiped out to come to the phone that night, she cracked, and all the pain burst forth.
But as we began to examine the relationship history, a lightbulb went off for Georgette. When I asked her to tell me how Violet was at maintaining long-distance relationships, Georgette realized that her friend didn’t do that at all! When people left, they were no longer part of her life. She was great at maintaining intimacy with those she saw on a regular basis, but she was awful at extending herself and maintaining connections across time and space.
Her withdrawal wasn’t personal; she was just being how she always was. Georgette’s move had destabilized the relationship. It probably couldn’t continue as it had been, but it had nothing to do with issues of caring or my client doing something wrong.
“I feel better already,” Georgette said upon realizing that she’d attributed incorrect meaning to inevitable developments in the relationship. She left feeling more prepared to deal with Violet, and was more assured of her own value to her many other friends.
Consider how often you attribute incorrect motivation to the behavior of others and suffer as a result. Is it possible that your assumptions about why people behave as they do are incorrect? Might you feel better off if you stopped doing that?
5. Is it possible that your “failure,” setback, or loss is really an opportunity in disguise? How many people do you know who had to lose their jobs in order to find their passion? What about those who had to fail in their own businesses in order to discover that they work best when someone else establishes and maintains the corporate structure? Are you close to anyone whose addictive illnesses had to escalate to the point that they hit rock bottom and lose everything in order to find and reclaim their lives? How many folks do you know who needed to get divorced in order to find true love or experience a home robbery in order to become grateful for the gift of continued life? Think about the individuals who have found profound meaning in life only because they’re helping others cope with the traumas that they’ve endured themselves.
Have you ever experienced a business loss that you thought would do you in, only to emerge better off financially? Perhaps you’ve lost a friendship, only to discover how damaging it had been to you; or become clinically depressed, unduly anxious, or physically ill because you were pushing yourself beyond your limit and needed to learn how to take better care of yourself.
Have you ever gotten to the point where you felt that you couldn’t handle one more loss or setback, only to discover a strength within yourself or your relationships that you never knew existed? Have your relationships with others grown deeper because you were touched by a serious illness or the death of a loved one? Have you ever been hurt so badly by someone that you never wanted to deal with that person again, but found that the two of you grew closer once you worked together to repair the wound?
Have you ever found healing in the way that a parent, sibling, or friend died? Have you grown closer to your children as a result of being there through their countless temper tantrums, or learned how to live your dreams by studying the parts of your life that have been such a nightmare?
I’m sure you said yes to some of the questions you just read. I hope that you relate to the expression “Whenever a door closes, a window opens.” Our lives are constant manifestations of this fact: We’re denied admission to our first-choice college and meet our soul mate at our second-choice school. We’re devastated by infertility and adopt a child who becomes the light of our life. We can’t afford to live in the community we most desire but make lifelong friends with the neighbors we do have. Perhaps our car breaks down and a stranger helps us out.
Whenever a door closes, a window opens. If you really believe in this, you’ll be awestruck by how frequently you see it manifest. But you do really have to look for it.
Make a list of at least three times in your life when you’ve seen a door shut and a window open—a loss led to a gain, a hurt called forth a joy. Then consider how often you focus on your failures, setbacks, and losses and feel overwhelmed by them. Is it possible that you’re looking at your painful experiences in the wrong way? Might they actually be opportunities in disguise? How would it change your life if you started searching for the window each time a door closed in your face?
I think you’re getting the hang of the “Consider-the-Possibilities” exercise. As you read each of the following questions, start creating your own examples to illustrate each concept. You now know, of course, that for each “Is it possible?” question, the answer is yes. It is possible, so prove it!
6. Is it possible for you to outlive the odds? Could you have a spontaneous remission if you develop a supposedly fatal illness? Might you prove the experts wrong?
7. Is it possible that being forced to confront your own mortality—whether through cancer, diabetes, addiction, depression, heart disease, or the like—can teach you how to live?
8. Is it possible that you deserve to heal? Are you meant to experience fulfillment? Do you have gifts the world needs you to share?
9. Is it possible that your enemies can become your friends? Do more people care about you than you realize? Are you loving and lovable?
10. Is it possible for you to take charge of your emotional life? Can you master a ten-step program designed to do so and thus live your dreams?
ADDITIONAL STRATEGIES
You can take charge of your emotional life, and you’ve come a long way in doing so. You’re deep into the ninth step already! In working this chapter’s concept—live in the Power of the Possible—you’ve come to understand the importance of believing in your dreams, quieting and challenging your inner critics and naysayers, affirming yourself, continuing to ask if it’s possible to look at a situation differently, and making sure that you search for the windows that will appear whenever doors close in your life. I’d like to offer you five additional guidelines to follow as you propel yourself into the wonderful world of possibility:
1. Monitor the company you keep.
2. Share your dreams.
3. Cultivate patience.
4. Visualize yourself already there.
5. Use varied-volume affirmations.
As you read the description of each idea, imagine yourself using the tool. All of these techniques are readily available to you for your immediate use!
1. Monitor the company you keep. Some folks heal us, while others unsettle us. People who are loving, accepting, encouraging, upbeat, and optimistic are most apt to inspire us and nurture our spirits. Those who are critical, negative, and pessimistic are most likely to destabilize us.
To stay in touch with the power of possibility, surround yourself with individuals who nurture, calm, inspire, and encourage you. Keep far away from those who tell you, “You can’t succeed,” “You’re not good enough,” or “Bad things are bound to happen.”
Pay attention to how you feel in the company of different folks. Notice when your energy picks up—when you feel excited, at peace, at home, and at ease. Also, register when you become anxious, have a less-than feeling, or are overcome by hopelessness. Observe your body language when it somehow tells you I like that person, and when it says Beware or I need space. Your inner wisdom is brilliant, and your body is always talking to you. It knows where you can thrive and where you’ll be held back. Listen to it, and honor its messages.
For example, I’m immediately unsettled by those who are critical, pessimistic, preoccupied with themselves, or who always seem to think that they know what’s best for me better than I do. As soon as I begin to feel anxious around someone, I look long and hard at what’s going on. I ask myself, Is there something about associating with this individual that’s destructive for me? If the answer comes up yes, I set a boundary as soon as possible. I cut my losses (no matter how great) and find a way to walk away.
By contrast, if I’m drawn to someone—that is, excited, energized, or joyful in their company—I consider the healing power of associating with them. If it becomes clear that they nurture me somehow, and the opportunity allows, I try to build more of a relationship with them.
I honor my body messages at work and in play. I hire and partner with those who support my efforts to make a difference in the world, and run for the hills from those I believe interfere with my mission. I surround myself with friends who want to know what I’m doing, believe in me, and want to see me succeed. I don’t allow folks that doubt me to become or remain my friends.
Tip: Pay attention to what your body’s telling you. Surround yourself with those who believe in you. Avoid spending time in the company of anyone who makes you feel anxious, self-critical, negative, or hopeless. Ask yourself: Does this person help me live in possibility, or push me into impossible thinking? Monitor the company you keep, and make sure that your relationships support your Step 9 work.
2. Share your dreams. You may carry a silent dream for a long time, but until you give voice to your hope, it doesn’t fully exist. And in that state, it can’t be actualized. So you must share your hopes, wishes, dreams, and prayers. Living in possibility requires you to do that.
But whom should you tell? Who is safe? You sure don’t want to hear that you’re foolish, grandiose, or unrealistic, and lots of stuck-in-the-muck folks tell dreamers those things. So who’s your ally? Look for someone who heals you and whose company you’re drawn to, a person who has encouraged or supported you in the past. Perhaps it’s a friend, relative, therapist, coach, or pastoral counselor.
Remember my story about how I “ended up” in Tucson? I would never have gotten here if I hadn’t shared my dream with my husband and, in another way, with the Arizona medical-licensing board! The telling made the dream real. Once it existed with a life of its own, it could manifest.
Tip: Find someone who believes in you. If that means hiring a therapist or coach, do so. Share your hopes, dreams, prayers, and fears with that person. Let him or her help you banish all doubts. You can realize your dreams. This is positively possible!
3. Cultivate patience. This is a biggie. After all, there’s a reason we all know the expression “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” We need to be reminded of the pace at which real change happens. When we’re bothered by something or wish things were different, we want the situation to change overnight. I want what I want, and I want it now! we seem to be screaming inside. We’re unrealistic and impatient. Although we may know that true growth, substantial change, or actual transformation takes a long time, we don’t really get that. We expect miracles and often get down on ourselves when we fall short of our crazy ideas.
When this happens, we feel like failures, become hopeless, and quickly give up on our attempts to effect change. Think about it: How long do most people stick to their New Year’s resolutions, diets, and debt-busting plans? How many describe their brief efforts by saying, “I tried that, but it didn’t work”?
We lose perspective quickly and need to be reminded to hang in there. It is possible to effect change, but it takes time.
Tip: When you notice self-doubt, hopelessness, or despair creeping in, cultivate patience in yourself by challenging your negativity with the questions: Is it possible that I’m making more progress than I can see? Might I be asking too much of myself?
Remind yourself that Rome wasn’t built in a day. It took you a long time to get where you are now. You’ve carried certain ideas with you and enacted your particular behavior patterns for quite a while. It may be some time before you see a substantial alteration in yourself, but change is possible, and if you hang in there long enough, it will come.
4. Visualize yourself already there. The more we see ourselves where we want to end up, the more likely we are to believe in our potential to get there. Think back to the story of Carol, the runner who was able to qualify for the Olympic team after injuring her leg because she trained her mind—and thus her body—to be there.
So often we cut off the possibility of achieving what matters to us by refusing to consider that it could happen. But what if each time you thought, I’d like to get to know Jim better or I’d love to own my own flower store, you chose not to silence the desire with a No way response. What if you just started imagining yourself socializing with Jim or arranging flowers in your new shop? How might you feel if you daydreamed yourself into being where you wanted to go? Do you think this exercise would make your goals easier to achieve?
Most people who achieve great feats use this strategy, whether they’re athletes, entrepreneurs, performers, or sales reps. Time and time again, they’ll tell you that the secret to their success was the decision to see themselves, in their mind’s eye, succeeding. It makes sense, doesn’t it? If we can envision something, we’re more apt to try to realize it. And if we work toward it, we’re more likely to make it real. It seems pretty basic when you get down to it.
Tip: Visualize yourself where you want to be, whether or not you trust in your ability to get there. This exercise will nurture your belief in the possibility of realizing your dreams. And that, of course, is the first step to actualizing them.
5. Use varied-volume affirmations. Here’s the affirmation you’re going to use to practice this technique: I can take charge. To begin, stand up and say the affirmation out loud five times. The first time, you’ll use a loud voice and a lot of emphasis only when you say the first word, I. So you’ll say: I can take charge—where the underlined word is loud. The second time you say the affirmation, you make the second word loud, and so on. Your first four affirmations will be like this:
1st time: I can take charge!
2nd time: I CAN take charge!
3rd time: I can TAKE charge!
4th time: I can take CHARGE!
Then you will say all four words in a loud voice and with a lot of emphasis: I CAN TAKE CHARGE!
Stand up now (unless you’re in the car, a public library, or some such place) and do this exercise. You’ll feel an amazing surge of energy and sense of hope when you’re through. It’s awesome! I often use this tool when working with large audiences to quickly demonstrate the Power of Possibility. When hundreds of people do this together, the energy is unbelievable. Everyone feels empowered by it!
You can use any affirmation you want for this exercise, but it works best with short sentences (three or four words is best) and single-syllable words. Also, it falls flat with an ending word such as it or so. Try to finish with an action word, such as heal: I can heal!
Tip: Pick a varied-volume affirmation statement that speaks to you; use one of the examples I’ve provided or create your own. Try using this technique every day for a few weeks. You’ll be amazed by the power it has to keep you living in possibility.
You’ve come to the end of Step 9. You’re amazing! You’ve learned so much and grown so beautifully thus far. I’m really proud of you. I’m impressed with your willingness to learn, your persistence in staying with the process, and your commitment to keep on going. I hope you feel as good as I do about what you’ve accomplished.
In your last and final step, you’ll learn how to nurture your spirit. I’m sure you’ll enjoy the stories and exercises in Step 10.
