Jacob Safulu, a.k.a. Dreamer
January 18, 1994 • 2:03 p.m.
The forelady opens her mouth. And on the charge of conspiracy she’s saying not guilty?
I think that’s what she’s saying.
Not guilty for Omar Armando Tavira and Jacob Aaron Safulu.
I’m staring at her mouth. Not sure if she said what I think she said.
And then Mr. Park’s grabbing me and putting his arm around me. So it must be true.
Not. Guilty.
There’s a shout in the room. I don’t know whose. It’s high tho.
Is it Angela’s? Mrs. Matta’s?
I look at Wizard and Wizard looks at me.
Our eyes fucking lock.
On the count of attempted murder, they the jury find Omar Armando Tavira guilty.
And it feels like I got shot in my chest. I feel heavy. I feel like I’m falling when I’m standing up …
And they the jury find Jacob Aaron Safulu not guilty.
And it’s like I get lifted up by somebody else’s hands and can breathe again. I’m staring at Wizard tho, at where he is, and how he’s looking down, and …
Nothing is real.
This isn’t real.
On the count of assault with a deadly weapon, they the jury find Omar Armando Tavira guilty.
It’s not real.
And also on the count of assault with a deadly weapon, they the jury find Jacob Aaron Safulu not guilty.
This isn’t really real.
Mr. Park squeezes my shoulder harder.
I’m turning to him. Staring at his mouth when he says, “They won’t find you for mayhem if they didn’t for the first three.”
And then they the jury are finding Omar Armando Tavira guilty of mayhem, and they, the jury, are finding me not guilty of mayhem, and they, the jury, are free to go.
And Omar Armando Tavira is remanded into custody for sentencing to a California state prison at a later date.
And me, Jacob Aaron Safulu, I am free to go if I don’t have anything else binding me over.
And I don’t. The clerk says so.
I don’t have anything else hanging over me.
And it’s fucking not real, I’m telling you!
The bailiff’s holding his arm out for Wizard to show him back. So he can cuff him up.
And it hurts me to even see that, so I turn and look over that little wooden gate I was never allowed to go thru, the one the bailiff told me on the first day the jury got picked that if I tried it he would shoot me.
On the other side of it is Little. And he’s crying. And Mrs. Matta is crying. And Little’s older brother gives me this look like he can’t fucking believe it.
And Angela’s crying too. She’s holding Mrs. Matta’s hand. And she’s pointing at me, at my face, and that’s how I know I’m crying too.
So I just take my sleeve up and wipe my fucking tears cuz I got some sad ones going too …
Cuz I look at my homeboy going into cuffs right next to me
So close I’m even hearing them clicks
And he’s looking up at me and our eyes meet up again
And we just stare at each other
No words being able to touch what we’re feeling
Not even on the surface
All that happiness and sadness at once just fucking hitting us both
And I’m looking at this dude how I never looked at him before
How he saved me from carrying a shank
How he saved me from Tim Muhammad
How he saved me from more time
And my heart can’t really take it with how it’s beating and
Words aren’t coming to my mouth, they’re coming to my eyes. And I’m shooting them over to him like, You stay up!
I’ll get you on your books. I’ll put that money down once a week. Whatever you need. I got you.
And he just shrugs his shoulders like whatever
like he’s got this
And it’s nothing too heavy he can’t carry
And he’s about to be a Made Man inside them prisons
don’t matter which one
And they take him out the courtroom backwards
And he says to me
He says, “You take care of everybody”
And he’s thru
And it’s closing
And it shuts
And behind me Judge Ayers says how I’m free to go once we do the paperwork. Once I get my CoR.
And this isn’t real.
This fear sneaks up on me that they’ll want me in a jumpsuit again
want me in cuffs again
want me eating when they tell me to eat
sleeping when they tell me to sleep
and where
and getting clean only when they tell me I can get clean
And this right here isn’t real.
It can’t be.
It isn’t.
I’m not.
Free?