One false word, one extra word, and somebody’s thinking about how they have to buy paper towels at the store. Brevity is very important. If you’re going to be longwinded, it should be for a purpose. Not just because you like your words.
—PATRICIA MARX
Did you know that most interviews on public radio are only about five minutes long? They often seem longer because they’re packed with information, but they’re actually quite brief. It takes longer to cook a frozen pizza than it does for Steve Inskeep to interview Elizabeth Warren about economic policy.
Your conversations will probably never be as concise as an edited interview, but they don’t have to be as long and rambling as a Senate filibuster. Keeping conversations short is a discipline. It’s not easy, but it’s incredibly rewarding. If what you have to say is important and you want people to remember it, then keep it short and sweet.
The fact is, we can’t pay attention for very long. As I mentioned in Chapter Two, attention spans have been on the decline for years and are now believed to be on par with those of goldfish (and actually, goldfish can pay attention for one second longer than modern humans can). When we are casually reading or surfing the Internet, the average person’s attention span is just eight seconds long.
The results are a little better if we’re focused on a task, but still not great. Researchers at the University of Michigan studied attention in a different way. They followed workers as they went about their business and reset stopwatches every time they changed tasks on the computer or switched to a new Web page. In 2004, when they first conducted the study, the average attention span was three minutes. In 2012, they tried it again and found the average had dropped to 1 minute 15 seconds. By 2014, it was down to 59.5 seconds.1
Most researchers blame this phenomenon on technology, and it’s true that younger people are especially prone to getting bored. People between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four rarely give their full attention to any one thing for long. Nearly 80 percent use their smartphones or tablets while they are watching TV. They might believe they are multitasking, but we know that’s an illusion.
The implications of our dwindling attention span are widespread. Our ability to focus relates to our health. (How long can we exercise? How much time can we spend in the kitchen cooking our own meals?) It also impacts our relationships. (How much patience do we have with others? Can we focus on what someone else is saying or doing?) Our attention span even impacts our IQ. Our intelligence may be determined not only by what we know but also by what our brain can ignore while it focuses on something else.2
But a short attention span isn’t entirely bad. The report from the University of Michigan study concluded that “consumers are becoming better at doing more with less [online] via shorter bursts of high attention and more efficient encoding to memory.” So while we may struggle to focus on any one thing for more than a couple of minutes, we are getting better at focusing intensely for short periods of time. In a world in which we are surrounded by constant distractions, having the ability to quickly pivot our attention from one thing to the next is a valuable asset.
And it’s a compelling reason to edit yourself if your conversational style tends to be a little more free-form than direct. The more important your message, the more essential it is that you confine it to a length that makes the best use of the other person’s short burst of attention.
My ex-husband used to tell me that I tried to cover all the years of our relationship over the course of one conversation. The power of the current complaint (and it was usually a complaint) was diluted because I kept talking and talking about every related incident that came to mind. I should have kept it short if I had wanted to accomplish something instead of making him feel that every time I said, “We need to talk,” I was planning a forty-minute outline of all the mistakes he’d ever made.
At work, I have tried to learn to call employees into my office to talk about one specific thing, or two at the most. During meetings, I have a list of topics to cover and I talk about them in the most concise manner I can, ask if there are questions, and then move on. I’ve found that since I started that practice, people are consistently on time for meetings and are more engaged. They’re also more likely to show up with a positive attitude. Keep your weekly meetings focused and brief and you might never again have to bribe your employees with doughnuts. And most important, I’ve found my staff is more likely to retain the details of what was discussed.
That’s not to say that your conversations should be less than a minute, and they should certainly be longer than eight seconds. But if you prolong a conversation and continue talking for extended periods, you will probably lose the attention of the other person. Their focus will wander while you’re still talking. You’ll waste their time and your own.
Communication expert Alan Weiss says, “People have a tendency to tell others everything they know,” instead of considering what is necessary and what isn’t.3 Take a moment to consider what you need to accomplish in a conversation before you utter your first word. Once you’ve conveyed your message, resist the temptation to keep talking. In conversation, as in so many things, quality trumps quantity.
I know that not all conversations can be structured and planned and logical. Part of the beauty of real-life conversation compared to e-mail is its spontaneity and unpredictability. There is a lot of space, though, between a robotic conversation that sticks to the facts without embellishment or emotion, and a long, rambling chat in which you start out talking about dog food and somehow find that you’ve spent ten minutes sharing the details of a novel you read in high school.
We’ve all had moments when we realized we were blathering. We’ve all become aware that we’re talking about nonsense and seen the light go out of our friend’s eyes while we continue to jabber. While the length of a conversation depends on the context and will vary widely, the type of conversation you’re having should be determined mutually.
What I mean is: you must be sensitive to the signals you’re getting from the other person. Are they indicating that their attention is dwindling and they need to take a break? Are they angling their body away from you, possibly even taking a step away? Are they breaking eye contact frequently? Are they interjecting with “uh-huh” and “yes” to encourage you to reach the end of your sentence? These are signs that the other person’s focus has been exhausted.
Remember, a conversation is a game of catch; both parties have to want to play. Keeping it brief demonstrates consideration for your conversation partner. They may be too polite or concerned for your feelings to interrupt you or step away from you. Return their courtesy by not abusing their time and patience.
What if you’re the one stuck on the receiving end of a meandering conversation? Perhaps yours are the eyes that have gone dead because, while you know the other person has to stop talking eventually, somehow you just can’t feel they ever will.
This happens to me on an almost daily basis, but it’s not because the people I’m talking to are gabbers. It’s because when I finish an interview, I usually have only a couple of minutes between the moment the microphones are turned off and the moment when I have to go back on the air. I need that time to regroup my thoughts so I’ll have the energy and attention for the next interview. When a guest wants to keep the dialogue going—no matter how engaging or lively—I say, “I’m so sorry. I would happily continue this conversation over coffee sometime, but I have to go back on the air and I can’t talk right now.”
I have an easy “out” in the studio, but what about in casual exchanges? For example, I was on a plane recently and the woman next to me began chatting before she even sat down. She had clearly just finished a wonderful visit with her new grandkids and wanted to share her joy with someone else.
Normally, I would happily sit and listen to her loving stories and ooh and aah over her photos. But on that day, I was just too exhausted. Her joy would have only irritated me if I had been forced to listen. So I waited for an opening in the conversation and said, “It sounds like you had a wonderful time. Usually, I would really enjoy hearing about it, but my brain is barely functioning right now. Please forgive me, but I just want to close my eyes and try to get some rest. Is that all right?” Obviously, she agreed and I enjoyed silence for the rest of the trip. As we left the plane, I asked to see a picture of her grandkids and thanked her, sincerely, for allowing me to relax.
Sometimes you can break away politely and respectfully, and sometimes you can’t. If you’re truly stuck in a seemingly endless conversation and your options are to be openly rude in order to leave or to stay there and take it, try to endure. You might be rewarded for your trouble with new information or an enjoyable few minutes.
Conversations require time and patience; that’s part of their value. Some people require more time to articulate their thoughts than others. If you can stay focused and responsive, you will often be richly rewarded. It’s worth the wait.
You can also move a stalled conversation forward by asking pointed questions to help your partner get back on track. “What happened when you got home?” you can ask, or “You’re killing me with suspense! Skip to the end.” Don’t wait until you’ve lost your patience and are liable to say something regrettable. In order to cut an exchange short or move someone along politely, you should be in a relatively positive frame of mind.
If you’re truly irritable and can’t listen to another word, I’d suggest you simply admit that. Just the other day, when my son was telling me about (another!) new video game he’s playing, I said, “I’m cranky and no fun to be around right now. Could you oblige me with silence? I know it’s not fair, but I just want to stew in my own cranky juices.” His response? “Whatever, Mom.”
Brevity is not just the soul of wit, it’s a necessary tool for effective communication. As with any rule in this book, there are exceptions. (You might get tired of reading that.) Not every chat should be brief. Many of us know the pleasure of sitting on the couch and talking to a friend for hour after hour. But most of our conversations don’t fit that category. In general, it’s helpful to know what you want to say before you start, and then keep an eye on the clock as you talk. In the majority of cases, keeping it short will keep it good. And before this becomes ironic, I’ll keep this chapter short as well.