Lucky
I woke the next morning and stared at my ceiling, trying to bubble wrap yesterday’s memories of Liam and store them someplace special.
Would he be awake yet? I glanced toward the window. “Crash Into Me” was still stuck in my head from playing it on repeat all afternoon. I imagined Liam and me sitting on the window seat in the moonlight, talking for hours, and not caring about school, mothers, or the future. It was how a connection between two people ought to be … carefree. But, surprise, surprise, I was getting ahead of myself.
I yanked my poetry journal out from under my pillow and read what my insomnia had inspired last night.
I wish my hand would dare,
To memorize your face,
To run its fingers through your hair
Then feel your heartbeat race.
Sap. My heart was definitely vulnerable to being ripped apart by hope. I was already hoping to walk to school with him, hoping to have lunch with him, and hoping the tingling would return.
Yup. I was a hopeless cause.
I did some deep stretches on the floor, reading my plaque with Aristotle’s quote again. Would Liam and I together be greater than our sum? Was it asking too much to want that? To marry for love? I imagined centuries of girls asking the same question.
Mom’s words echoed in my head. “Passion goes away, and love won’t pay your bills. Dancing won’t either. Remember that, hunh?”
After showering, I headed downstairs to the usual morning sounds of pots and pans clanking in our small kitchen. Even the noise couldn’t distract me from thoughts of Liam. At least I’d see him soon.
“Hey, Mom.”
She popped some bread in the toaster. “I was so busy on the phone with your Harshna Mami yesterday, I forgot to ask you about the school. How was your first day, beta?” she asked, using a term of endearment. I guessed things with Sujata’s drama had blown over for now.
“It was fine. How’s everything at the travel agency?” I sat down at the kitchen table, switching chairs to avoid the one with the sharp chrome lip.
“Good. Good.”
“So how’s Mama and Mami?” Had they killed Sujata yet? I had to be careful asking about my uncle and aunt. I couldn’t let on that I’d known anything about Sujata and Michael dating.
“They’re fine.”
Liar.
She finished slicing a banana and moved to the sink to put the peel in the large yogurt container she used for kitchen scraps.
“Laxshmi,” she said, nonchalantly. “Mrs. Robertson said there is a new high school boy on the other side of her. Is he in your classes?”
“Liam’s in two of them.” Damn. Damn. Damn. I shouldn’t have said his name. “But he’s a senior, so I don’t see him a lot,” I added quickly.
One of her lectures on “what all boys wanted” was sure to follow.
“Oh? Which classes?”
“AP History and AP Calculus.” I didn’t know why I cared, but I added the AP to impress her. I doubted it would work.
She stayed silent, so I picked up a pencil and doodled on the message pad. Her thoughts had to be marinating. The idea of fighting with her about Liam made my heart race.
“You know, deeku,” she said.
Great. Here we go. Toast, bananas, and a side order of paranoia wrapped up with another term of endearment.
“It doesn’t matter how smart boys are, they all—”
“God, Mom. Please give it a rest. I know. All boys are bad. You don’t have to lecture me every time the name of one comes up.” My gut twisted for jumping down her throat, but I’d heard every version of her spiel since Daddy had died. She glared at me like I’d just poked a hornet’s nest, and she was the queen. Blood pulsed behind my ears.
“You don’t know everything, okay?” she said. “What happens if you get pregnant, hunh? Are you going to raise the baby on your own? Do you think some American boy will marry you and take care of you?”
He’s Irish, not American, so, ha!
“You will be struggling all your life. Struggling. Okay? It’s all over the TV. Watch those people on Jerry Springer. Do you think their life is so easy? Do you want to be like them? Hunh?” She scraped the butter on the toast with a little too much gusto.
“I’m not going to end up on Springer just because I talked to a boy.” Why bother explaining? I looked away, toward the dining room, and blinked back tears. Why did she always get to me like this? Sujata would’ve reminded me to be brave.
“Do you think you will become a doctor when you cannot sleep and have to clean up the diapers and vomit? Hunh? Do you want to be like Sujata? She’s bringing shame to the family.”
Shame?
“Mom, give Sujata some credit. She’s dating a smart guy. He’s at Georgetown too, you know.” I should’ve kept my mouth shut, but I couldn’t. The message pad now sported Liam’s name with swirls around it. Maybe I’d be fighting for him someday.
Yeah, right. I frantically erased his name.
She plunked down my toast in front of me on a green-flower-rimmed dish. These plates could compete with the kitchen table for oldest thrift-store find.
“She’s only thinking about herself,” Mom began again. “She can’t focus on school if she’s worried about how she looks and what underwear she’s wearing for her boyfriend. I told your Harshna Mami that Sujata should come home before something bad happens. Bichari, Sujata. Poor girl. He probably made her sleep with him too, and now who is going to marry her, hunh? The boys get what they want, and then they’re finished. One mistake and your good life is gone. Remember that.”
Whatever I could say to help defend Sujata would reveal what I knew, so I stayed quiet. I wanted to eat in peace, but knew Round Two was coming. Never knew a tornado to touch down without wind damage.
She poured chai into her mug and shook her head. “Going with someone white. What is she thinking?” she muttered.
“God! How is her whole life ruined because everyone’s afraid of a white guy?” I was really pushing it, but I couldn’t stop the hope from spilling out. If I knew what was good for me, I’d plug up the leak.
She slammed down her mug. “You always think everything will be okay. We didn’t sacrifice for you so you can become some—some waitress or cashier for all your life. It takes one night to ruin everything. No, not even one night. Five minutes!” She wagged her finger toward the Lord Krishna clock hanging on the wall.
Five minutes? I guess Sujata made Michael stick around longer. Good for her.
“Your Harshna Mami made a mistake letting Sujata go so far to the Georgetown. You will be going somewhere close, hunh? You can go here to the UNC and come home every weekend.”
I didn’t think North Carolina had an accelerated med school program, but I wasn’t going to mention that. Bringing up their dance program was even stupider. If only I knew how much my Princess Fund held. I had no fantasies about it being a huge amount, but maybe it would be enough to help pay my way for a short time if I moved in with Sujata. I idly wondered how much I’d need if I went to a university in Ireland. I sighed.
The clatter of dishes thrown together in the sink sliced at my nerves. I couldn’t argue about UNC right now. My courage was running on empty. So I kept quiet, finished my breakfast, and escaped upstairs.
Chai in hand, Mom stopped me by the front door before I left. She was dressed for work in her travel agency’s uniform—a maroon, knit polo and khaki pants. Her hair was now in a long braid, and button-earrings set off her earlobes, the distinctive brassy color of the twenty-two karat gold announcing her Indianness to everyone.
Her post-tirade ambush at the door meant a soft lecture was coming, one where the tone was more motherly, but the tidings neurotic and smothering. Just more wind damage.
“Beta, you know all I want is for you to be successful and happy, hunh? We didn’t come all the way here for you to throw away everything we sacrificed. That’s why you need to be a doctor. You will have a good life, good husband, and a big house. You won’t need anything else.”
How about love?
“Don’t let anyone ruin your schooling,” she said. “If you don’t get a good match, your education is your security. Don’t be like me, hunh? Young boys, they have no responsibility. Their hormones are too strong, and they will do anything to sleep with you.”
Right. And we girls didn’t have hormones. If she only knew how my body reacted when Liam was near me. If I even imagined him touching my skin, my breathing sped up.
Oh yeah, girls had no hormones.
She turned back toward the kitchen. “And, Laxshmi? I don’t want you talking to him.”
“What?” I rushed after her.
“Mrs. Robertson says he’s a handsome boy, and I don’t want you getting involved with him.”
“Mom, we have two classes together, and he’s our neighbor. I can’t just avoid him.”
“Choop. You’ve argued with me enough today. Just do as I say.”
Ugh. I stormed out, slamming the front door and blinking back tears of anger. A quick peek up and down the street told me I’d be heading to school alone. Liam’s absence was both a disappointment and a relief. If Mom saw me walking with him, I might as well move to Chernobyl.
Not talk to him? I snorted.
Liam wasn’t at the lockers either, and the hard knot in my chest grew. How could I be this miserable without him? It’s just the anticipation getting to you, Laxshmi. Chill.
The little girl between my locker and Liam’s closed hers, revealing her newly decorated door. Pink Hawaiian flowers. Ugh. I wanted to yank the stickers off, rip off the petals, and flush them down the toilet.
I scanned the main artery one more time before standing off to the side, pretending to go through my bag while looking up through my lashes and scanning the hallway. I can’t believe I’m doing this. Pathetic didn’t begin to describe me. A horde of cheerleaders was probably entertaining him in the parking lot at this exact moment. While I stood there, students filtered around me like I had a radioactive sign attached to my forehead.
Jack’s unmistakable greeting rose above the clamor around me. “Laxshmi! Wassup?” He exaggerated each syllable, knowing it annoyed me. Oh yay. Make me stand out even more.
Liam wasn’t with him, and I blew out a long breath. That nervous anticipation was spinning cartwheels in my chest. I shook out my hands, hoping to release some of the energy.
Jack raised an eyebrow. “Why you so fidgety?” He followed my gaze. “You waiting for someone?”
“Me? Um, no.”
“By the way.” He crossed his arms. Great. It was his go-to big-brother pose. “Is something going on between you and Liam?”
My attention darted away. “Uh … what makes you think that?”
“Just be careful. I know how you and Piggy think. She couldn’t stop talking about him yesterday. ‘Oh my God, did you hear his accent? Oh my God, can we go to Ireland next summer? Oh my God, he waited for her after English,’” he mimicked, flailing his hands around. I tried to play-punch him to defend Shiney, but he leaned away.
Liam flew through the stairwell doors and paused, taking a deep breath. He strode over, throwing a nod to Jack and flashing me his dimpled grin. His presence settled deep inside me, and the excitement spread. It felt like when I’d performed my first grand jeté on stage.
“Sorry,” Liam said to me. “I overslept.”
This time, I couldn’t hold back my nervous-whimper laugh. The relief at seeing him floored me. I’m really losing my mind.
Jack elbowed me and when I glared at him, he gave me the I-was-right look.
Shiney and I had walked across the street to a Greek café for lunch. We were on our own since Liam had been a no-show at the lockers after fourth. My heart ached at not getting to spend the free time with him. Who knew I’d be this clingy?
The Akropolis Kafe was a popular mom-and-pop place and hangout after school. At least it was healthier than fast food. Well, it would’ve been if I’d had an appetite. I’d forced down a few bites of my pita sandwich, and not even the garlicky sauce or the salty tang of the lamb could snap my thoughts away from Liam. After first period, Liam and I had walked together between classes, laughing, flirting, and sharing little bits of our lives. I was sure it meant I’d see him for lunch too. Spending the entire time in the cafeteria looking for him—like I had that morning before homeroom—would’ve given me an ulcer. My nerves could only take so much. Maybe it was just convenient for him to walk with me to those classes and nothing more.
Once Shiney had figured out why I was so preoccupied, she’d suggested we go out to eat. She’d been making a valiant effort at distracting me ever since.
“So anyway, then Matthew asked me out.” Shiney bounced up and down in her seat at her news about her Bible study crush. Her excitement had me smiling. We talked more about her plans to meet him the Friday after Labor Day at a local pizzeria and how Jack wanted to drive Shiney there to size him up since her parents wouldn’t allow her to date.
A strange tickling sensation in my head had me looking up at the front entrance. Shiney followed my gaze, but when she didn’t see anyone there either, she turned back to her food. I closed my eyes and tried to clear my head. The ache in my chest eased with my next breath. This time, whatever inspired me to look at the front door pulled my attention back there. A grin stretched my cheeks and had Shiney spinning around again.
Liam walked in.
He scanned the crowd and when he saw us, he answered my smile with one of his own. By the time he walked over, my breathing became ragged. Shiney was too busy muttering under her breath about how fine Liam was to even notice my reaction.
He greeted both of us and squatted by my chair so I wouldn’t have to crane my neck to see him. God, he smells divine. I leaned closer as discreetly as I could. He must have showered after gym class. His hair was still damp and tendrils of it stuck to his skin.
“We were late getting out of gym class,” he said. The muscles around his eyes relaxed, and a small smile grew on his face while I was distracted smelling him.
I jerked upright. Oh God. Did he realize I was sniffing him?
He snatched a fry off my plate. “I’m sorry I’d not been able to meet you earlier.” He dipped it in my ketchup and shoved it in his mouth. As platonic as the gesture probably was, I warmed at the closeness it implied. Yeah, I was really losing it.
“No biggie.” I waved it off. “Sorry we didn’t wait for you.”
“I could’ve been texting you, but I didn’t have your number.”
“Uh—” Before I could reply, the horde of cheerleaders I’d worried had ambushed Liam this morning walked in. At least it saved me from having to explain how I couldn’t give him my number because my mom monitored every text and call I got. She even had a tracker app for when I was out and about.
Liam had to stand to get out of the crowd’s way as they made their way to the counter to order. Several of them greeted him with big smiles, and he returned the favor.
He turned to me and pointed his thumb over his shoulder. “Time for me to be ordering.”
I nodded, and as he walked away, it occurred to me he didn’t say if he’d be joining us. You didn’t ask him too either, Laxshmi. Judging by how he laughed with the cheerleaders and the few football jocks in line with him, he’d found the group he was meant to be with. Jack was even with them since one of the wide receivers was his best friend.
I remembered Daddy telling me as a kid how I couldn’t get burned if I swiped my finger through a candle’s flame, but if I held my finger above it, I would. Even knowing this, I had an urge to keep close to the fire—an urge to hope for more with Liam.
Shiney chatted on as if nothing were wrong. I didn’t want to witness Liam choosing them to sit with over me. I had to leave. Hurry up, Shiney. It was better if I disappeared before he left the register with his food—better if I didn’t get burned.
The second Shiney tossed her napkin down, I jumped up, hoping the scrape of my chair against the floor hadn’t attracted Liam’s attention, and grabbed both our plates to throw away. She followed, asking what the rush was, and when the girls and Liam filtered into the dining area, her eyes widened in understanding.
“Seriously, Laxshmi? You’ve got nothing to worry about. He’s wild about y—”
“C’mon.” I dragged her by the arm, weaving us through the tables toward the exit.
“Oh, Jack?” Shiney planted her feet and called out over her shoulder. Damn. My escape was only ten feet away.
Jack glanced up from his seat. Between him and the table we vacated, a confused looking Liam stood with his food, a questioning look directed toward me. Chloe, a gorgeous redheaded cheerleader with a don’t-breathe-your-air-on-me reputation, called Liam over, saying something about Irish people needing to stick together. When he didn’t move, she got up and practically draped herself on his arm. She led him toward an empty seat next to her. My heart sank. Get over it, Laxshmi.
Shiney had been dragging me closer to argue with Jack about the car keys he wouldn’t give her. I pulled away and stopped before I got too close, before I breached the imaginary wall around Liam and got sucked in by his magnetic pull. Jack ignored Shiney, and his gaze darted back and forth from Liam to me. Liam was answering a question from Chloe, and Jack gave me his hard I-told-you-so stare. Then he shook his head, and his eyes softened. I gritted my teeth at the pity in his eyes. He’d lectured me in fourth period biology about how I didn’t know Liam well enough and how I shouldn’t get sucked in by his charm. Too late.
“Oh, by the way.” Shiney raised her voice, snapping me out of my thoughts. “Laxshmi said she’d go to Salvio’s with you for pizza next Friday night.”
Oh God. No, no, no, no, no. She didn’t just say that in front of Liam, did she?
Jack grinned and gave Liam the side-eye before pinning me with a stare. “Cool. It’s a date.”
Liam’s head jerked toward Jack and then to me. The dryness in my throat choked me. Something too quick for me to decipher flashed across Liam’s eyes, and he looked away, his jaw popping. It made me feel like a blast of heated air was baking my skin. I checked the vents above me. No way the heaters could have kicked on. It was summer. The stress had to be getting to me.
Liam now stared at Jack, who was grinning at me. He wasn’t going to like how I murdered him.
Standing there like a statue wasn’t making me feel any better. I grabbed Shiney’s arm again and yanked her out the door.