The swirling stops and we slowly fall to the ground.
‘Wow, smooth landing, Terry,’ I say. ‘Yeah,’ he says.
‘It’s like we practically floated down.’
I look at the gravity detector gauge on the instrument panel. ‘That’s because we did float down,’ I say. ‘Gravity is only one-tenth as strong here as it is in our time.’
‘And where—and when—exactly are we?’ says Inspector Bubblewrap.
‘We’re in the future,’ says Terry. ‘Sixty-five thousand years in the future!’
‘This is the worst time machine ever!’ I say.
‘No, it’s not,’ says Terry. ‘It’s a great time machine. It’s just the chronometer that’s not working properly.’
‘Well, it’s the worst chronometer ever, then,’ I say, smashing my head against the control panel in frustration …
but my head just bounces off as if the panel was made of marshmallow.
‘Stupid reduced gravity!’ I shout.
‘Look on the bright side, Andy,’ says Terry. ‘Reduced gravity is cool! Let’s get out and have a bounce around.’
Terry is in such a hurry to get out that he slips and falls and lands on his head.
‘Are you okay?’ I say.
‘Of course!’ says Terry. ‘It didn’t even hurt! Reduced gravity, remember?’
I see a flying fried-egg car heading straight towards the inspector. ‘Watch out!’ I say.
My warning comes too late. The car hits the inspector right in the head … but it just bounces off!
‘I just got hit by a flying fried-egg car and I didn’t feel a thing!’ he says. ‘It would appear that the future is 100 percent danger-proof!’
‘All right!’ says Terry. ‘Let’s party!’
‘Look at me! I can run headfirst into this wall and I just bounce off!’
‘Look at me!’ I say. ‘I’m swimming in a tank full of man-eating sharks but their teeth are made of rubber so they can’t eat me!’
‘Look at me!’ says Inspector Bubblewrap. ‘I’m totally on fire but there’s no heat in the flames so it doesn’t hurt a bit!’
‘THE 100 PERCENT TOTALLY DANGER-PROOF FUTURE IS AMAZING!’ we shout.
Terry runs into the wall again.
I jump back into the shark’s mouth.
The inspector sets himself on fire once more.
and again …
and again …
and again …
and again.
‘I’m bored of running headfirst into a wall without getting hurt,’ says Terry.
‘I’m bored of being chewed by a man-eating shark without getting mangled,’ I say.
‘I’m bored of setting myself on fire without getting burned,’ says the inspector.
‘THE 100 PERCENT DANGER-PROOF FUTURE IS 100 PERCENT BORING!’ we shout.
‘Why don’t we watch TV?’ says Terry. ‘Look, there’s one on that tree over there.’
‘Great idea!’ I say. ‘TV in the future must be amazing!’
‘Yes, let’s have a look,’ says the inspector. ‘Too much TV can ruin the eyes and rot the brain, but a little bit can’t hurt … particularly not now that we are so bored.’
‘Hooray!’ says Terry, scrolling through the menu. ‘It’s time for The Barky the Barking Dog Show!’
‘Actually,’ I say, ‘I think you’ll find it’s The Barky the Non-barking Robo-dog Show.’
‘In the future, even Barky is boring!’ says Terry.
‘He’s always been boring,’ I say, ‘but now they’ve de-barked him he’s even more boring!’
‘Psst!’ whispers a person from the future who looks just like me. ‘Did you just say “boring”?’
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Are you our future selves?’
‘Affirmative,’ he says. ‘My name is Android G and this is my friend Terrybot D.’
‘Cool,’ says Terry. ‘Are you guys robots?’
‘Well, we do have bionic bits and pieces,’ explains Terrybot D, ‘but we’re still human enough that we want to have fun.’
‘But we can’t have any fun,’ says Android G. ‘Because Safety Central Headquarters controls everything!’
‘Oh my goodness,’ says Inspector Bubblewrap. ‘I work for Safety Central Headquarters, but I never dreamed they would become so powerful that they stop people from having any fun at all.’
‘I know a way we can all have some fun,’ says Terry. ‘Let’s go to Safety Central Headquarters and destroy it.’
‘Not so fast, Past Terry,’ says Terrybot D. ‘We have to figure out a way to get in there first. It’s rhyming-password protected.’
‘I think I can help you there,’ says Inspector Bubblewrap. ‘I wrote that rhyming password. It may have been 65 thousand years ago but I remember it as if it were only yesterday.’
We hop in Android G’s flying fried-egg car and fly to Safety Central Headquarters.
Inspector Bubblewrap puts his face up to the panel and says:
We all hold our breath … and wait.
With a quiet whoosh, the door opens.
‘Yay,’ whispers Terry.
Quickly we follow the inspector down a long shiny corridor and into a vast control room.
There are millions of automated buttons, levers, dials and switches controlling every aspect of safety in the future.
‘Where do we start?’ I say. ‘It looks so complicated!’
‘It’s not that complicated,’ says the inspector. ‘There’s a master control panel right here.’
‘I can restore Earth to its default settings,’ says the inspector, ‘by flicking each of the switches from ON to OFF, like so.’
‘What about the giant-crab eliminator switch?’ says Terry.
‘No,’ says the inspector, ‘I’m going to leave that one on so the Earth never gets overrun with giant crabs. But I am going to push the self-destruct button so nobody can make the world 100 percent danger-proof ever again. There. All done.’
‘You mean this whole place is going to blow up?’ I say.
‘Yes,’ says the inspector.
‘Cool!’ I say. ‘When?’
‘In about ten seconds,’ says the inspector. ‘Run!’
We run …
and make it out just in time …
‘I think our work here is done,’ says Terry, as we climb into our bin.
‘Yes,’ says the inspector. ‘I see now that too much safety is not necessarily a good thing.’
‘I sure hope we make it to the building permit office this time,’ I say, as the swirling starts again.
‘Me too,’ says the inspector. ‘Well … sort of … I mean … time travel is kind of cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool …’
