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MICHELLE COULD FEEL Dan’s warm breath against her face and opened her eyes to find him propped up on one elbow, watching her. She gave him a weak smile. ‘After everything we agreed...’
He puffed out a lungful of air. ‘I honestly didn’t see it coming. One minute we were sitting on the sofa talking, and the next...’
‘I think we’ve been a bit naïve.’
‘Or in denial.’
She looked into his eyes, an uneasy mixture of guilt and happiness somersaulting around inside. ‘It felt so natural, so right. But I know it’s not right at all.’
‘I knew I had feelings for you, but I swear I had no intention of acting on them,’ said Dan. ‘I thought I could be honest, explain how I felt, but keep things as they were...’
Despite her inner turmoil, Michelle felt more comfortable and at ease with Dan than she had with any other human being in her life.
‘You’re beautiful,’ he said, winding a length of her hair around his finger.
He’d been fast asleep one hour previously, when she’d sneaked into the shower. ‘No one looks their best first thing in the morning,’ she said, her eyelashes lightly mascaraed, lips glistening with balm and a minty air on her breath.
‘You smell so good.’ He nuzzled her perfumed neck. ‘I can’t wait to wake up next to you every morning.’
‘Every morning? Do you think you might be jumping ahead a little?’
He gave her a sheepish smile. ‘Sorry. I’m feeling a bit discombobulated – my thoughts are running wild and not making sense at the minute.’
She gently explored his face with her fingertips. ‘This cut might leave a little scar. You could try massaging in Bio-Oil. Though if you’re sustaining injuries at work, they should at least provide a good scar cream.’
He kissed her hand. ‘You’re so caring, I’m very lucky to have you.’
‘It’s early days yet,’ she said, turning onto her side to face him.
‘Doesn’t matter. I’ve always been the same. I fall hook, line and sinker. Every time.’ He ran his hand slowly down the length of her body, making her spine tingle.
‘Every time? And just how many of us have there been?’ she said with mock rebuke.
He flung his head back and gave a raucous laugh. ‘Loads – three. One before Penny and now you.’
Relieved, she shook her hair from her face, and delighted at the way Dan’s eyes glazed over as he watched it tumble onto her shoulders. ‘You philanderer.’ Three? Perhaps he really hadn’t done this type of thing before. He was proving consistent in what he told her. In Michelle’s experience, men trapped themselves with details. They could never get the story right in the longer term because of all the lies they spouted in the beginning.
‘You can trust me. I know this...’ he indicated to himself in the bed, ‘suggests you can’t, and you shouldn’t.’ He looked into her eyes, his gaze intense. ‘But you can,’ he said in almost a whisper.
Michelle couldn’t think straight. She did want to believe Dan, but Fermín’s conceited face was batting around inside her head, like an irritating fly. He used to say wonderful things, too. And she’d believed him. He might have tripped himself up eventually, but not before he’d almost broken her. A fibber like Fermín couldn’t possibly have hoped to keep his lies going – there were too many of them, most of which were pointless.
Her jaw tightened, as random lies tumbled into her mind, as if someone had emptied out a boxful – insignificant to devastating. Why would anybody say they couldn’t swim, then dive into the deep end and power down the pool with perfect front crawl? Or pretend to be an architect, when they were a plumber by trade but worked in a car parts factory? In hindsight, Fermín may have been more of a fantasist than a fraudster. Playing baseball for Navarre as a teenager – as if. A jab of anxiety stabbed her chest. The worry she’d gone through when, at six months pregnant, she’d discovered his mother’s confusion was nothing to do with a gallbladder infection, but the paranoid schizophrenia that ran in the family. She eased out a breath to quell the anxiety constricting her throat.
No, she thought, Dan wasn’t like Fermín. In comparison, he was completely transparent.
He caressed her cheek with his hand. ‘Don’t look so worried. I’ve never been unfaithful to anyone before. I never thought I was even capable of doing something like this.’
‘Do you feel bad?’ She didn’t want him to admit he did, but she also needed to be sure he had a conscience. On the other hand, if he did, why would he be with someone who’d have sex with another woman’s husband? And she couldn’t gauge his true feelings towards Penny.
Dan rolled over and stared at the ceiling. ‘To be perfectly honest, I know I should feel guilty, but I don’t.’
‘Really? Not about any of this?’ Michelle felt ashamed that she was helping him deceive Penny, but not enough to resist the overwhelming force pulling her to him from the depths of her soul.
‘The thing is, it would be unfair of me to go into detail, but life with Penny has always been complicated. Exhausting in fact. I thought we could keep up the façade until Tamara was older but being around you has made me realize how unhappy I’ve been.’
Michelle wanted to believe his feelings for her were genuine. She also wanted him to be the type of man who couldn’t possibly cheat. She needed someone she could trust without question, but she wanted Dan. Her reasoning had become completely illogical.
‘I’ve been looking at my assets,’ he said, in a serious tone. ‘I’ve priced a couple of detached properties. If Penny agreed to downsize now, we could buy one outright, which she’d keep when we do split up. And there’d be sufficient money left over to buy a smaller place for myself.’
‘Good grief. That’s pretty major stuff you’re talking about.’
He frowned. ‘Do you think I’m taking any of this lightly? I might not feel guilty, but I’m not so heartless I can’t see I’m selling both you and Penny short. I’m trying to do my best by everyone. This is the rest of our lives we’re talking about here.’
‘Sorry, I’m not used to men being so upfront and open.’ The rest of their lives? When had they committed to the rest of their lives?
‘I’d buy an apartment for me, maybe closer to work, where the property prices are a little lower. I’d continue to support them until Tamara gets through university.’
‘It sounds like you’ve got it all worked out.’ Dan wasn’t showing any sign of merely wanting a cheap fling, but on the other hand, he was steaming ahead and making plans without prior discussion. Michelle was relieved to hear he planned to buy his own place and hadn’t assumed he could move into hers.
‘I’d wait three months to tell them about us, though.’
She looked at him, her brow furrowed. ‘That’s rather precise.’
‘Out of respect for Penny, and so that you didn’t get any crap hurled your way. Although we’re both on the same page about the decision to split up, she won’t want me to be with anyone else. She likes to control every aspect of her life. It makes her feel secure.’
‘Do you think she still loves you?’
‘I don’t think she wants to lose me completely, but she told me she no longer loves me like a wife should.’
Michelle hated the thought of another woman loving Dan, or being in his life at all, though she knew Penny was the only one with that right.
‘The weirdest thing is that it feels like you are my partner, and she’s become almost an intruder in my life.’
Dan’s mobile pinged. ‘Oh, bloody great.’ He read a text and threw his mobile to the bottom of the bed. ‘Penny wants me to pick them up at one thirty.’ She had booked a spa break at a plush Yorkshire hotel for herself and Tamara, the reason Dan had been able to stayover.
Her heart sank, she was disappointed he had to leave so soon. ‘I thought you said she drove down?’ Michelle tried not to sound as if she was interrogating him.
‘She did.’ Dan shook his head. ‘She won’t be able to drive back. They’re having brunch – it comes with champagne cocktails apparently.’
‘Did she get one of those special hotel deals? Judy and I are thinking about a good offer we’ve seen on Groupon.’
‘An offer? No chance.’ He pulled back the covers and sat on the side of the bed. ‘Sorry, I’m going to have to get going.’
According to Dan, Penny and Tamara were more like best friends than mother and daughter, and they loved to go on fancy pamper days together. Tamara’s male friends loved Penny and called her a ‘MILF’, which she’d claimed not to know the meaning of. Michelle tried to avoid imagining what she might look like. The one thing she clung to, was an image of Penny’s size nine feet, and she hoped against hope that they didn’t look just perfect with her tall, slim frame and long blonde hair – without, apparently, a single strand of grey.
Dan disappeared into the shower, leaving Michelle to fester. Her mobile rang. Another unidentified number. There’d been sixteen missed calls from the same number overnight. ‘Bloody pests,’ she muttered, as she straightened up the bed sheets and cleared away the empty glasses and wine bottle.
She began to stew over Dan’s motives. They’d finally slept together, and now he was dashing off. What if he was like other men after all? Or worse, what if he was cold-hearted like her father, only interested in his own needs, and unconcerned about the effects of his actions on others? She reminded herself that Dan had been making plans to leave for a long time, and his family’s welfare were at the top of his list of priorities.
She thought back to the winter after her father ran off with Sylvia. Her mother’s shoes had worn out and split, so she’d walked through snow to the supermarket in Michelle’s old sandals. Unable to afford Christmas gifts for her children as well as winter shoes for herself, she’d done without. Even taking the bus was a luxury she tried to avoid if possible. Fortunately, the sandals had a high platform sole, which kept her feet above the snow. Michelle wiped away a tear as she pictured her mother’s mottled toes peeping out of the front. She must have been freezing. It wasn’t as if she could warm up properly once she returned home, she couldn’t afford much coal for the fire. Once those sandals were well and truly worn out, they fuelled the fire for a short while.
Sadness filled her heart as her mind drifted back to the day that she realised the extent of their poverty...
***
THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD MICHELLE, chewing a mouthful of jam sandwich, nipped into the kitchen before Grange Hill started. Leaning around her mother to place her empty cup and plate in the sink, she noticed her mother’s kind little eyes were puffy and bloodshot. It was the afternoon, but she was still in her fleecy red dressing gown, her face bare of make-up, without even a trace of her Yardley frosted-pink lipstick.
‘Your dad’s reduced the maintenance to five pounds a week for each of you,’ said Audrey, her voice trembling. ‘He promised that if I didn’t take him to court, he’d look after us.’
Michelle felt the rug go beneath her feet. Again.
‘How will we manage?’ She racked her teenage brain for a solution.
‘I don’t know. I don’t know,’ her mother said, hanging her head and repeatedly washing the same cup.
Audrey was a proud lady, never having asked or expected much from, but given everything to, her husband. Michelle’s mind raced, unable to believe her father would leave them destitute. He’d devastated her mother when he left with her best friend. Audrey had lost her husband and best friend in one fell swoop. Surely, he couldn’t want to hurt her even more.
Her mother had been a nurse before she was married but had given it up, along with her financial independence, when the children came along – encouraged by her husband, who much preferred his wife shut away at home.
Maybe he’d miscalculated the bills, thought Michelle. He’d always been thrifty. Thankfully her mother was an excellent seamstress, otherwise none of them would have had much in the way of clothes.
Michelle slipped out of the house and hurried the two miles down to Ashpeth High Street, her thirty pence savings tucked away in her pocket, along with her father’s telephone number. Although her mother had never had the luxury of a home telephone, Sylvia had one installed straight away.
Her stomach flipped as she opened the heavy red door of the public telephone box, the fear-induced nausea exacerbated by the stench of stale cigarettes and urine. Her hand shook as she dialled his number, the sound of coins clunking into the telephone echoing around the kiosk. As the call connected, she heard the familiar, distant voice.
Deep breath. ‘Hello, Dad,’ she said, in a voice she barely recognised as her own, her body trembling.
‘Hello, Michelle, how are you?’ His flat tone made it difficult to tell if he was pleased to hear from her. She could hear the jingle of coins in his pocket.
‘Well, I’m just, erm, a bit, a little worried.’ Nervous cough. ‘Um, well, it’s just that... Mam mentioned you’ve reduced the maintenance.’ There, she’d got it out.
The jingling stopped. ‘Who sent you to phone me?’
Michelle could picture his blue eyes flashing to grey. ‘No one. I was just a bit, erm, a bit worried about what we’re going to do.’ She had a sudden urge to pee.
‘Your mother will have to see what she can get.’
Michelle felt as if she was rising up out of her body, aware only of the space around her head and a sensation of pin pricks all over.
In a gentler voice, he explained, ‘I have a new family to look after now.’
‘Oh, sorry. Yes, of course. Sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb you.’
She hung her head in shame as she stepped back out onto the street. How could she have been so stupid as to go to her father for help? Bothering him with her insignificant trivia, when he already had more than enough on his plate.
As she set off for home, the world suddenly seemed so much bigger and scarier than it had done before she’d stepped into the telephone box.
***
DAN’S HEAD AND ONE shoulder appeared around the bedroom door. ‘I’m nipping downstairs for my clothes.’
Michelle blushed as she recalled how they’d torn them off each other the night before.
‘I’ll put the kettle on for a cuppa.’
As they drank coffee and ate toast in the kitchen, the atmosphere was subdued. Dan repeatedly turned a coaster, tapping each corner against the bench top. He let out a loud sigh and looked at Michelle. His eyes had lost their sparkle.
‘It won’t be like this every time. I promise.’
‘Don’t worry about it. Just you make sure Tamara always knows how much you care about her.’ She glanced down at his foot and wondered if Penny had helped him pick out his Paul Smith trainers. They looked expensive, and at odds against the navy sock, which Michelle knew had a hole in the toe.
‘She does. I couldn’t stand to ever lose her.’
Dan’s eyes brimmed with love for his daughter. He also looked scared. He obviously wasn’t as blasé about everything as she’d imagined.
Her mobile lit up on the worktop. She shot it a look of irritation. ‘Bloody nuisance.’
‘Who is?’ asked Dan.
She snatched it. ‘Hello, who is this?’ No reply. She could hear breathing. ‘Look, delete this number from your bloody list or I’ll call the police.’ The caller hung up.
Dan’s eyes widened in shock. ‘Michelle, what’s wrong?’
She held up the screen to him. ‘Sixteen missed calls overnight. It’s driving me insane – I’ve had to set the ringer to silent. It’s not as if anyone bloody-well speaks when I do pick up.’
‘How long has this been going on?’
‘I’ve always had the odd one, from call centres and the like. But lately they’ve really ramped up.’ She took a sip of coffee. ‘I’d never thought about it before, but it was probably the day after we rowed at the beach. I remember that you’d texted me for the first time, so I was checking my phone more often. Every time I did, there seemed to have been a missed call.
Dan paled. ‘Oh, God, not again.’ He reached for her hand. ‘I don’t want you to worry, but it might be Penny.’
‘She knows?’
‘No, absolutely not. I delete every message from you straight away. I don’t even have you in my contacts. But maybe I’ve missed a received call and she’s seen your number in the list. I have to leave my phone unlocked because of the last time.’
‘The last time?’
Dan held up his hand. ‘No, that sounded bad.’
He explained that when Tamara was in nursery school, Penny became convinced he was having an affair with one of her teachers. Then one afternoon after the school run, Penny accused him of sleeping with one of the other mothers as well. From there it spiralled. She ended up stalking every number in Dan’s mobile that belonged to a woman – five in all. It culminated in the teacher’s tyres being slashed.
‘I’m not condoning her actions, but she had been drinking more than usual and had become very irrational. I swear I never had an affair with anyone.’ Dan shook his head and sighed. ‘Sorting it all out wasn’t easy. We were extremely lucky the police weren’t involved.’
Michelle stotted a piece of toast off the wall. ‘You’ve put my daughter in danger. You bastard.’
Dan sat on his stool, motionless. The thickly buttered toast slid down the tiles and plopped onto the bench.
‘Why the hell did you stay with the bloody woman? Don’t tell me you don’t love her. Why else would you put up with that?’
He stood up. ‘Let’s get one thing clear. You and Sara are in no danger. And it isn’t just you she’s calling.’
Michelle felt faint. ‘There are other women?’
‘No... I mean, she’ll be targeting a whole list of numbers. Both of my secretaries have been complaining about unwanted calls. I suspected something was amiss. Dan put his head in his hands. ‘She’ll end up costing me my job.’
He sat, an image of contradiction in his trendy trainers and nerdy M&S jeans, looking broken. Despite the whole situation sounding more fictional than the least convincing of Fermín’s stories, even the one about him going to a top public school on a scholarship – his spelling was atrocious – Michelle found herself believing Dan.
‘Just go and sort it out. We’ll talk later.’
Dan gathered his things together. ‘What will you do for the rest of the day?’
‘I’m going to see if my mam wants to go out for lunch. She has these tiny size-three feet.’ She made a miniature foot sign with her thumb and forefinger. ‘I might buy her some new shoes.’
He smiled. ‘They must look like doll’s feet.’
‘I think her right one is a two-and-a-half. It’s a nightmare finding shoes to fit her. She’s only four feet eleven, too. There’s a specialist shop near the coast, I might take her there.
‘Your mam’s lucky. You’re a good daughter.’
‘Hmm, sometimes maybe.’ But I wasn’t good enough for my dad.
