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MICHELLE HAD PLANNED to jog around Cherry Park with Dan, finishing off with a perky coffee from the kiosk, then remembered that Sara was on placement at St Mary’s. The coast would be a better option than risking bumping into Sara on her lunch break – as unlikely as that probably was.
Things had already got off to a disappointing start. Before going to London with Tamara, Penny had volunteered Dan to look after a neighbour’s dog that night, while its owners were out at a function. He wouldn’t be staying-over after all.
The coast turned out to be a good choice; her frustration waned as soon as she glimpsed the first waves rolling onto the sand. She gave a little smile as she wondered what he’d have thought of the treat she’d planned for him. Never mind, it would keep, and it would also give her more time to find her bedroom heels. She could have sworn they were in a carrier bag at the back of the wardrobe in the spare room.
She stepped out of the car and inhaled the salty sea air. Dan wrapped his shovel hand around hers, and they headed down the steps towards the beach.
‘This is our place,’ he said, sliding his arm around her shoulder. ‘I love it here, it’s like coming home. Everything else seems a million miles away.’
‘Me too.’ She snuggled into him as they ambled down to the promenade.
Dan leaned in and brushed her cheek with his lips. ‘Do you remember our first kiss?’ He pointed to a spot by the water’s edge. ‘Just over there, next to that woman with the Alsatian. Let’s wander down to do our stretches.
The warmth of his breath felt exciting and safe at the same time. ‘I was innocently sauntering along the sand, when you suddenly yanked my arm, manhandled me and plonked a big kiss on my lips.’
‘In my defence, I was a bit nervous.’
‘And I was horrified.’ She nuzzled into his chest. He was wearing the T-shirt she loved, sky blue with a tiny red Batman emblem. Wrapped in his chunky arms, Michelle felt happy and secure.
‘You know, I used to tease you just so you’d push me or pretend to hit me. Anything for physical contact.’
‘Yes, your moves were so sleek,’ she laughed. ‘I could tell straight away you were a philanderer.’
Dan scuffed at the sand with his trainer. ‘You must’ve thought I was pathetic.’
‘No, once I got over the “just friends” thing, I thought you were wonderful. It convinced me you were telling the truth about staying faithful to Penny for all those years. It made me like you more.’
‘I wish I didn’t have to go to see Ian next weekend.’ He sent a pebble skimming across the waves. ‘I can’t put him off, I promised I’d take Tamara down before the end of June.’
Michelle was glad Penny wasn’t going with them. It was bad enough that she wouldn’t get to see him, but at least it wasn’t so he could spend even more time with Penny. And then she wondered why she wasn’t going. She felt her stomach churn.
‘Didn’t Penny want to go with you?’
Dan grimaced. He raised his arms and let them flop down by his sides. ‘Sorry, I didn’t like to mention her in case it upset you.’
Michelle felt deceived. And stupid, for letting her guard slip. She mentally ran through all the times Dan had told her that ‘he’ had done something and wondered whether he’d been hiding a ‘we’. This is what always happened the minute she dared trust someone. He might not have exactly lied, but he’d omitted to mention important details, which in Michelle’s opinion, amounted to the same thing. She felt a stab of panic, reminiscent of the time Fermín admitted his mother had schizophrenia, not gallstones. She didn’t want to have to read between the lines whenever Dan spoke, cross-checking for hidden meanings or omissions, like some neurotic stalker.
How easily she could end up suspicious and crazy. She’d seethe at the sight of his favourite foods in the supermarket. Then she’d spot something innocuous like his beloved lentils and flip altogether. She’d tear open packets of the tasteless little things and hurl them around Tesco like dirty hailstones. By the time the police arrived, she’d be cowering in a corner at the back of the shop, wearing only one sock and shoe.
‘Don’t worry, the girls will share the bedroom, and I’ll be on the sofa in the lounge. Penny will be happy with that.’ There was a hint of bitterness in his voice. ‘She loves me being in the spare room at home.’
Michelle’s heartbeat quickened. ‘Does that bother you?’
‘Not the separate rooms. But it pisses me off that she’s in a king-sized bed in the master bedroom, while I’m crammed into a single bed in the box room.’
She relaxed a little.
Dan laughed. ‘It reminds me of when I first joined up. I slept in the foetal position for two years before they got me a bigger bed. My knees used to be killing by morning. I had to have physiotherapy because the tendons contracted.’
Every time Dan said something endearing, Michelle’s heart melted again.
They arrived at the spot of their first kiss. Dan drew a heart in the sand with his foot. He added an arrow, made from a piece of driftwood, then wrote their initials at either end.
‘You’re such a big kid.’ Michelle threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. ‘I love it.’
‘I wish we were still kids,’ he whispered. ‘With our whole lives in front of us. It would’ve been so different,’ he said, gazing wistfully out to sea.
‘It wouldn’t, you know. We were both different people back then. Anyway, I used to go for little Spanish blokes in those days,’ she teased.
‘Penny still does fancy the Mediterranean type,’ he said, a touch of irritation in his voice.
Something inside Michelle plummeted again. The rollercoaster of emotions was exhausting. ‘I thought you said she’s never had any libido or interest in sex?’
‘She hasn’t. She’s still a bit of a flirt after a few glasses of wine. She used to come on to me when she was drunk, but it made me feel used. Especially the following day, when she couldn’t remember anything.’
Michelle tried not to ask, but she heard the words as if they weren’t her own. ‘What would happen if she did that when she wasn’t drunk?’
‘Wouldn’t happen, so no point in thinking about it.’
‘But what would you –’
‘Michelle, you have to believe me. I don’t think of Penny like that any longer. Nothing would happen.’
She wanted to believe him, but she couldn’t know for certain.
‘Come on, let’s not spoil our time together.’ He looked up towards the cliff path with little enthusiasm. ‘I don’t feel like running today. Are you hungry?’
She’d wanted to work up an appetite before they ate. ‘I suppose so.’ Taking his hand she led him towards the wooden walkway to the Rattler.
The pub was warm and cosy, a welcome contrast to the uncomfortable conversation on the beach. They sat in a window seat in the part of the pub made from an old steam train carriage. From there they could see the waves ebbing and flowing along the shore while they ate a lunch of mince and dumplings. She silently vowed to get back to the smoothies the following day. Time with Dan was too precious to worry about diets, and whether he fancied his wife.
When she managed to push Dan’s other existence, and the people in it, to the back of her mind, life felt wonderful. The trouble was, that existence was always hovering nearby, like a storm cloud threatening to break.
***
AS MICHELLE LAY SNUGGLED in Dan’s arms in her bed, she couldn’t shake off thoughts that were buzzing around her mind like blue bottles – silly things, like the fact that he ate his evening meals with his family. Such a mundane, yet intimate, activity. And then there was the upcoming car trip – another family occasion. She knew she was bordering on crazy, but that didn’t temper her growing insecurity.
She feigned a yawn and casually turned away from him. ‘Dan,’ she said, attempting to sound as if she wasn’t in the slightest concerned, ‘how long do you think it’ll take to get to Cardiff?’
‘About six hours,’ he replied, rolling over to snuggle into her.
‘That’s quite a long time. I could never have sat in a car with Fermín for that long without wanting to kill him.’ She faked a laugh. ‘I probably would’ve grabbed the steering wheel and driven us over a cliff or something.’
‘It doesn’t really bother me,’ replied Dan.
Michelle could move nothing but her eyes as she waited to hear what else he might reveal.
‘I’m not looking forward to driving for six hours, but we’re still comfortable in each other's company. I mean, we don’t argue or anything.’
She had to concentrate to steady her voice. ‘I didn’t realise you got along so well. When you said you couldn’t wait to leave, I sort of assumed that it must be unpleasant.’
‘It’s unpleasant when she’s pissed, yet again, and naïvely giving some bloke the come on, who I then have to warn off. Or when she’s blabbering to our friends that we don’t have sex. But when she’s sober, it’s not so bad.’
Her world shifted off its axis.
‘I don’t understand how you can be so forgiving of some of the things you said she’s done. I mean, snogging your brother. How do you move on from that?’
Dan hugged Michelle closer.
‘When Penny and I first met, my mates all warned me against her. I couldn’t see it. She said I made her well and that she didn’t need to drink when I was around.’ He shrugged. ‘It was true, too. We went to see her doctor and she started taking an antidepressant. She was so much better on it. But soon after the wedding, she discontinued it.’
Michelle nodded. ‘I can understand that. My doctor tried me on a few different ones – apparently a low dose can help with fatigue conditions. Only none of them did. They gave me restless legs and made me a bit obsessive.’
‘Obsessive?’
Michelle laughed. ‘I was ridiculous. It used to take me twenty minutes to park – I had to get my car exactly in the middle of the bay. If someone parked behind me while I was faffing, I’d drive to a different level in the multi-storey and start again.’
‘Sounds stressful. Penny didn’t have any bad side-effects – she said I ignored her when she was healthy. It wasn’t true – I just wasn’t so worried all the time.’ He sighed. ‘Anyway, she stopped it and went back to normal.’
‘I’ve worked with people with those types of conditions.’ She knew she must tread extra carefully. ‘They’re often very good at subtly controlling people through guilt, making others feel responsible for their health. It can be part of the illness.’
‘Yes, I soon realised that my behaviour could have a huge effect on her. The thing is, it’s hard not to feel guilty when she’s ill.’
Michelle’s heart felt like it would beat out of her chest. ‘You must have loved her very much.’
‘Where’s this coming from? Is something wrong?’ Dan eased her over to face him.
‘Well, yes...’ she said, unable to make eye-contact. ‘I’m having trouble accepting that you can sit happily in a car for six hours, with someone you say you’re desperate to divorce.’
‘Michelle,’ he whispered, ‘please don’t. I love you and I will leave her. I promise – when Tamara’s older. But you know it’s going to be at least a couple of years.’
She turned back onto her side and pulled his arm around her waist. ‘Sorry, I’m just being silly.’
He snuggled into her, cocooning her body with his own. She knew she couldn’t push this any more for now. She couldn’t risk driving him away. Michelle had so many more questions, but she was afraid of what the answers might be.
Please don’t still love Penny. Oh God, don’t let him love her.
***
THE SOUND OF DAN’S car exhaust faded into the distance, as Michelle nursed a cup of coffee alone in the kitchen. The next time she saw him, the Cardiff trip would be over. It was going to be a long fortnight.
Even though she was in the room, it seemed empty. Dan’s cup and plate sat on the bench, surrounded by the odd fallen crumb. A faint hint of his scent hung in the air.
She needed to get out. She should really go for a run, since they hadn’t bothered earlier, but the thought of jumping over dog dirt, as she ran up the bank to the top of the estate, did little to encourage her to put on her trainers.
Michelle texted Sara. Fancy going to the cinema? My treat? x
Sorry, can’t. I’m out in town with my mates. Let me know if anything arrives from Riya. She usually sends us an update about school around now. x
Nothing here yet. Have a nice time. x
Michelle was restless. She briefly considered getting on with the preparation for her Lean presentation, but Victor Morgan’s conceited face popped into her mind, and she decided not to waste a day off on a work project.
Half an hour later, and still underwhelmed at the thought of running, Michelle was back in the Rattler car park. Dan’s absence was almost visible everywhere she looked. She walked down to the beach and looked out to sea while she stretched. Gazing up at the gentle clouds, Michelle closed her eyes and imagined floating up to sit on one. If only she could fly, she could leave her worries on the sand and drift up to think properly on a cloud.
Running with Amy Winehouse’s ‘Valerie’ blasting through her headphones helped her make it to the top of the Gypsies Green hill. By the time she reached the cliff edge, she felt the worse for wear, but the beautiful view right over to Tynemouth kept her going. The sand stretched out into the distance, creating a lovely backdrop to the descending track along the cliffs. On a sunny day the yellow sand reminded her of childhood summers, but this afternoon it looked miserable and drab. The grey sky reflected onto a dark, moody sea, and the waves looked angry, as if something was brewing beneath, the swell crashing against the rocks like a stroppy teenager. Such a change compared to that morning.
As she plodded around a bend on the stony path, she could once more see the spot in the distance where Dan had first kissed her. They’d laughed about that earlier, but now the memory saddened her. Further along the route, the waves lapped at the rocks more gently, almost subdued. She stopped to look out at the vast ocean, it seemed calm yet troubled. Even the clouds now looked forlorn.
Out of nowhere, Michelle started to weep. She slumped down on a bench, like an over-tired child at the end of a long day. Her head throbbing, she gazed out to sea through a curtain of tears. Nervous about being spotted, she glanced around to check for walkers and noticed a small gold plaque on the back of the seat. It was neat and shiny with a dedication inscribed in a plain font. It simply said, ‘To a much loved and missed husband.’ There was something so dignified about those words.
Dan wasn’t Michelle’s husband. If he died, she wouldn’t even know. She could never dedicate a bench on a cliff at South Shields to her husband. And what if she died? There’d be no, ‘To a much loved and missed wife’ plaque.
‘I won’t have a plaque,’ she sobbed. ‘It’s Penny’s plaque, not mine.’
Why does everyone leave me? she silently asked the heavens in a fit of self-pity. First Dad and then Mel. Even horrible Fermín. She realised that though she’d physically left him, he’d abandoned her emotionally well before then. Am I really so disposable?
When, she wondered, had she decided to settle for so little in life? To be constantly hankering after men who weren’t available. Even while she was living with Fermín and could no longer stand him, she’d tried to make things right between them. Had she not returned with Sara for her cousin’s wedding all those years ago, would she still be there?
She gave a wry laugh. Her levels of anxiety and insecurity were now so high, she’d set her sights on a man who wasn’t even single. It was as if she needed to suffer rejection, just because that was the way life was supposed to be. Why, she asked herself, had she answered that bloody email on that stupid Childhoodchums site?
‘You should have taught me better, Dad. Look how pathetic I’ve turned out.’
Michelle hoped with all her heart that she’d managed to instil more self-respect in Sara. By the time she reached her car, she felt wrung out. Enveloped in numbness, she had no more tears, nor thoughts in her head. It was with a sense of relief that she set off for home, leaving her tears of self-pity behind on the cliff tops.
