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THE FOLLOWING TUESDAY evening, Michelle opened the door to an ashen Dan.
When he hugged her, she could feel his body shaking. She wanted to vomit. Neither said a word as they went through to the lounge. The air hung heavy with expectation.
It was Dan who spoke first. ‘I don’t think I want to hear this.’
‘How do you know what I’m going to say?’ said Michelle, her voice croaky.
‘You didn’t email. I must have checked a hundred times. They think there are problems at work, which is how I managed to get away today.’
She took his hand and tried to explain what had changed. ‘I couldn’t get my head around the six hours in the car.’
‘But Penny and I live together. We don’t dislike each other. You knew that.’
‘Actually, I didn’t. You gave me the impression you’d wanted to leave almost since you got married.’
‘That’s true,’ he said, raking his hand through his hair.
‘I think you’re still very much emotionally attached to Penny.’
‘You’re so wrong. But you have to understand – we’ve been married for eighteen years.’
‘And you made it sound like they were unhappy ones. You never answered my question about what would happen if she wanted to sleep with you.’
‘That wouldn’t happen. She told me before we got married that she wasn’t bothered about sex.’
Michelle let go of his hand. ‘I bet your brother would find that hard to believe.’
Dan shook his head. ‘That was all Ian. You don’t know what he’s like.’
‘From what you’ve said in the past, she managed to get pregnant just around the time you had decided to leave.’
He gave a wave of dismissal. ‘Oh, she never even knew about that.’
‘Dan, you are so naïve sometimes. Of course she knew, she isn’t stupid. Why won’t you answer my question? What would you do if she wanted you again and promised to seek help for the other issues?’
‘It’s too late for that. It’s just until Tamara –’
‘Tamara must have realised things aren’t right between you and her mother. You say you’re in separate bedrooms. You talk about Tamara as if she’s a child one minute, and the next you’re telling me you think she’s sleeping with her boyfriend. For goodness sake, your daughter’s living like an adult. Surely she wouldn’t abandon you?’
‘But Penny would poison her against me. And Tamara would have to support her more. She’d probably fail her A levels, and I’d get the blame.’
‘I don’t mean tell her about us. Take Tamara with you. In fact, if you did that, Penny would hot foot it straight to the nearest therapist to get you back.’
‘I doubt it. She can be pretty stubborn.’
‘Only because you allow her to walk all over you. You protect them fiercely, but what about me? Am I supposed to hang around indefinitely?’ She wanted him to put his arms around her, to make her feel protected too. She’d convinced herself she knew him well, simply because they’d played out on their bicycles when they were kids. What a fool she’d been. A lifetime of living cautiously and then recklessly ruining her life because of a childhood acquaintance.
Dan splayed his hands. ‘Michelle, be reasonable. You’ve always been strong. You aren’t like Penny. She needs me to look after her.’
Fury ripped through her body. Her father had called her strong. ‘No, I have not,’ she shouted. ‘I’m alone. I fend for myself because I have to. There’s a bloody difference. No one picks up the pieces for me when I act like an absolute tosser or pisshead, so I can’t afford to bloody-well do that!’
The effort she put into spitting her words at Dan made her head throb.
His grey complexion turning white and his eyes like saucers, he said, ‘I don’t understand. You’ve always known it would be years before I could leave. I have to do the right thing, at the right time. My feelings for you haven’t changed.’
‘Your time, your feelings, your Penny, your Tamara, your life...’ Michelle looked at Dan’s face, the face she loved so much. She would have waited forever for him, if she’d only believed he truly wanted her as much as she wanted him.
It was over.
‘Oh Dan. I’m getting angry with Penny, with you, even with Tamara. The only person I have a right to be angry with is myself. I shouldn’t have let this happen. You’re married, you –’
‘My marriage is over, don’t do this. It’s just that they both need me right now. I don’t want to be there. I have to do the right thing. Oh, for God’s sake, Michelle, don’t do this over a bloody car journey,’ he pleaded, tears streaming down his face.
‘Your marriage is very much alive. I’m not trying to get you to leave her for me. I know that would never happen, and it wouldn’t work anyway.’
‘I don’t understand. What do you want?’
‘I want you to have ended your marriage, sorted out your life as a single person, and then to have chosen to be with me.’
‘That’s impossible.’
Michelle choked out her words. ‘I know. But I won’t be your psychotic jealous mistress.’
He took her in his arms. ‘I’m so sorry. I’d never have intentionally hurt you for anything in the world.’ They clung to each other as if their lives depended on it.
She looked up into his beautiful eyes and it felt like her world was ending. He cupped her face with his strong hands and gently kissed her lips. ‘I can’t say goodbye like this. Please, let me stay with you, one last time.’
***
DAN CONCOCTED SOME story about a breakdown and a B&B. That night their lovemaking was different. It was unlike anything Michelle had ever experienced before. She felt completely cherished. She knew it was the last time they’d be together, and she knew she was losing something precious – something irreplaceable. During those special hours, she felt truly loved for the first time in her life.
The face staring back at her from the mirror the next morning looked like it had been beaten up, swollen from crying and her eyes all puffed up. She didn’t care. Dan would soon be gone – it didn’t matter what she looked like any longer.
Breakfast was a surreal experience. It felt as if she was watching herself on film, like a spectator in the room of her own life. They smiled gently at each other, neither bothering to make small talk. She hoped Dan felt sick too, that his legs were also weak and his body shaky.
When it was time for him to leave, he opened the door then hesitated, unable to walk through it. He pushed it shut and hugged Michelle for the final time.
She felt her breathing quicken and her head go light. ‘Look, Dan, I think I’ve overreacted. Maybe it could work. It doesn’t seem so bad this morning.’
Dan gazed lovingly into her eyes and gently caressed her cheek with his hand. ‘No, it couldn’t. I hurt you, and I’ll never forgive myself for that.’
As the sound of his car exhaust faded into the distance, she knew she wouldn’t see him again. Though they’d promised to keep in touch, she hadn’t really believed either of them meant it. She waited for the office answer phone to click in and, for the first time in her career, called in sick. She walked upstairs, drew the curtains, climbed into bed and pulled the duvet over her head.
