| |
––––––––
AS SHE STIRRED AND turned over, Michelle groaned in pain, then she remembered the Great North Run and smiled so widely her mouth hurt. She cocooned herself in the deep-filled duvet and dozed back off to sleep, a mental video of multi-coloured T-shirts, faces and images of Red Arrows soaring across the sky, playing in her mind.
She next awoke to shards of light streaming through the window, the sound of doors banging and footsteps in the corridor, as hotel residents made their way down to breakfast. She was ravenous and looking forward to a well-earned full English with extra toast.
Michelle sat up and stretched. Even her fingertips ached. The only part of her that didn’t hurt were her eyes – for once they weren’t sore and gritty. Despite feeling as if she’d fallen down a flight of stone stairs, she felt wonderful. And so carefree for some reason.
After limping off for a shower, she emerged almost an hour later, smelling of a mixture of luxurious gels and lotions, courtesy of the hotel. She pulled on her bathrobe, carefully replaced the tops on the bottles and dropped them into her toiletry bag for Sara. ‘Still half-full,’ she muttered to herself, then giggled at the realisation she’d considered them half-full, instead of half-empty.
A loud rap at the door interrupted her light-hearted mood. She assumed it would be a housekeeper, eager to get the room turned around. It was only eight-thirty, check-out wasn’t until eleven, and Michelle wasn’t leaving until the last minute – the cleaning would have to wait.
Dan filled the doorway. He was in uniform and holding two Costa coffees. ‘Great, I haven’t missed breakfast.’
Michelle released the door chain. ‘What on earth are you doing here?’ She tightened the bathrobe around her. ‘Security shouldn’t have let you up here.’
‘I’m booked in too, remember.’ He dipped his head to step into the room. ‘It’s very nice here. Posh.’
‘It’s all right, I suppose,’ she said, crossing the room to switch on the television and open the curtains.
‘I brought you an Americano, with cream.’
She reluctantly accepted the cup.
He looked her up and down and smiled. ‘You look cute in that robe.’
‘Why are you here?’
He sighed. ‘Because I felt like shite last night when I read your texts.’ He sat down in a chair by the window.
‘You were insensitive and selfish. And before you start, I don’t want to hear about your marital problems.’ Michelle sat on the edge of the bed. Her legs didn’t reach the floor, making her feel insignificant.
‘I really am sorry, I –’ Dan leaned forward then paused, his brow furrowed. He pointed to her scar. ‘What’s that?’
Michelle covered it with her hand. ‘Oh, it’s nothing. I just had that blue mark removed.’
He shook his head. ‘But why would you do that? And they’ve botched it, that scar’s even bigger than the mark was.’
‘All right, no need to be so critical. If you must know, there were some cancerous cells. And anyway, the scar will fade.’
Dan paled. ‘You have cancer?’ He stood up and started pacing around. ‘You’re ill? Can you be treated? Oh, my God, you’ve got cancer?’ He grabbed her by the shoulders.
He was too close, in her space where he no longer had a right to be. She pushed him away. ‘I’m fine. Get off me.’
‘Cancer – and you didn’t tell me? We said we’d tell each other the big stuff.’
‘Well, I couldn’t just come out with it, could I? Anyway, I wanted to be around people who cared about me.’ She walked over to the wardrobe and started throwing her running gear into her holdall. ‘Besides, you have other stuff going on all the time.’
‘Cancer... You could have died. You should have told me. Has it gone? Will it come back?’
She couldn’t bear to look at him. ‘It’s all gone.’
‘But that could have been it...’
‘Could have been what?’
‘Over. Everything. You, not here. Gone. And no chance for us ever to be together.’
‘We were already over. For goodness sake, there was never a real chance we’d get back together.’
‘You can’t say that. You don’t know for certain.’
‘You talked about leaving Penny, but you never really wanted to. Plus, she’s too clever to let you go, and you’re too stupid to realise.’ The sight of Dan in uniform used to make Michelle’s stomach flip. Today, it simply made him look as if he should be somewhere else.
‘Michelle, that’s where you’re wrong. We talked a while ago about splitting up earlier than we’d originally planned. And she was fine with it. She said she felt the same way as me. And, after the latest episode, it’s likely to happen sooner rather than later.’
‘That’s just what she told you, idiot, like getting help etc.’ How on earth had he scaled the ranks of the Air Force when he was so utterly thick?
He clomped around the room as he ranted. ‘You’re wrong. You don’t know everything. Why do you always have to be so black and white?’
‘Don’t have a go at me. Who the hell do you think you are?’ She felt like a child being reprimanded by an overbearing parent, and she wasn’t putting up with it.
He slumped back down onto the chair. ‘Sorry. But you should’ve told me. I had a right to know. I could have supported you.’
‘I bloody-well texted you as soon as I found out. You didn’t even reply.’
He looked blank. Then with a flicker of recognition, he said, ‘The one where you said you missed me?’
‘So, you did ignore me? And I wanted to tell you when we last met, but you were so dismissive towards me.’ Michelle strode over to the door and yanked it open. ‘Go home, Dan. I don’t want you here.’
Dan walked calmly over and closed it, then he wrapped his arms around her. She tried to push him off, but he didn’t budge.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispered.
‘Now you are,’ she said, her head trapped against his chest and her voice muffled.
He loosened his grip a little. ‘I promise I’ll never let you down again. As soon as I get back, I’ll speak to Penny. I’ll move into barracks until I get somewhere sorted.’
‘Don’t do that on my account. Anyway, what happened to waiting three months to respect every man and his dog and protect me from hassle? Didn’t you want to wait until Tamara had children and they’d grown up and left home or something?’
‘Don’t be facetious. I’m doing it for me.’ He gently tilted her face towards his with his huge shovel of a hand, his beautiful blue eyes full of hope. ‘And for us. If it isn’t too late?’
‘Of course it’s too bloody late.’
Dan gently caressed her scar. ‘I don’t know what I would’ve done if I’d lost you.’
‘You did. You have.’ She couldn’t free herself from his arms, but she stood rigid. There was no way she was falling for this tosh.
Their eyes locked.
The world shifted back onto its axis.
‘I swear, Michelle, it’s just you and me from now on. I’ll never let you down again. I promise.’
‘How am I supposed to trust y–’
His mobile rang. ‘Sorry, I’d better get it.’
She shot him a weary look and started to gather her clothes.
‘It’s just that it’s Tracy from the office, I have to answer – I’m supposed to be working today.’
Michelle gave him a weak smile then disappeared into the bathroom to get dressed. When she came out, Dan was looking out of the window.
He turned to her, flummoxed. ‘Something strange just happened. Tracy said that Penny just turned up at work. She was still asleep when I left.’
Michelle had a sick feeling. ‘Had she tried to call you?’
He shook his head. ‘What on earth could have been so important that she had to go into work?’
This had to be bad news. She tried to look calm as she applied mascara and brushed her hair.
‘I’ll speak to her and then call you. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us this time.’
‘This time?’ What secrets had there been last time?
Dan walked over and looked at her reflection in the mirror. ‘I mean, I want everything to be above board – so you know you can trust me.’
Michelle averted her eyes and went back to her packing. ‘You’d better get off and see what’s happened.’
‘She told Tracy it was nothing to worry about, but she’s never done this before. Strange.’
Michelle felt her world ending. ‘Not really.’ As the awful truth dawned on her, she tried to slow down her breathing.
‘What do you mean?’
She took a deep breath and slowly exhaled to steady her voice. ‘Penny turned up once before. Remember? The last time you were planning to leave her.’
Dan froze, his eyes brimming with tears as he remembered.
It took every ounce of strength to remain composed. ‘So, Dan, looks like you’re going to be a dad again.’ A flash of Dan and Penny in bed together kicked her in the heart.
He clasped his head in his hands. ‘No, no, no. It can’t be that.’
Michelle walked to the door with as much dignity as she could muster. ‘You’d better set off, or they’ll start to wonder where you are.’
As he hugged her, she could feel his body shaking.
‘Take care, Dan. Bye.’
***
HER APPETITE REPLACED by nausea, Michelle sat on the bed, replaying every moment of Dan’s visit. The room, that only an hour before had seemed like such an oasis of happiness, now felt alien and hostile.
Her mobile pinged. Gary.
Mam said to ask if you and Sara want to go to her house for tea. I think she’s celebrating. Sylvia has left Dad and he’s gutted. Mam’s polishing the good cutlery.
Apparently, it wasn’t Frankie Cullen who’d caught Sylvia’s eye after all. Gladys’s husband, George, had picked them up at the end of the fated works’ Bingo night out, and he and Sylvia had been having a fling ever since. George would drop Gladys off for her library shift and then drive around the corner to wait for Sylvia, who’d wave Jim off and then sneak away to meet George. By all accounts, their father couldn’t believe that a spouse could be so deceitful – he’d never encountered such betrayal before.
Michelle stared at the screen and sighed. She wished she could go back to the moment she’d woken up that morning – her life had felt so good, for once. But she couldn’t. At least, she conceded, she’d had a little reprieve. Her heart breaking, she tried to sound fine in her reply.
He should have a word with Mam. Oh, remind her I just did a half-marathon. Ask her if she’ll do her nice rhubarb crumble. Might as well make the most of Mam’s good mood.
She’d always thought she’d be pleased if her father was ever hurt as much as her mother had been. But she wasn’t. She felt sad for him, and angry with Sylvia. Michelle wished they were closer so she could go to see him, offer some kind of support. No, she wouldn’t have wished this on her father at all. Perhaps she and Gary could visit him together. Maybe take him some chocolate Brazils. He used to like those.
Michelle lay back and stared at the ceiling and, too numb to think any more, dozed off. She was awoken by an unfamiliar trilling sound. She realised she was still in the hotel room. Reception was calling.
‘Sorry, I didn’t realise the time. I’ll be out in ten minutes.’
There wasn’t much left to do. She shoved the rest of her belongings into the holdall. As she wrapped the crystal flutes and ramekins in their bubble wrap, she held one up to the light. It reflected off the grooves in the glass, making it twinkle. It really was beautiful. But there was something false about it. It wasn’t an everyday glass. It was like her and Dan. For special occasions. Not real life.
Michelle placed the glasses and ramekin on the dressing table. They belonged here, with Dan. She had a real life. She didn’t need sparkly flutes, stolen kisses or empty promises. The telephone trilled again. She laughed. She didn’t feel nervous about checking out late. And she didn’t even feel the need to apologise.
The trilling continued as Michelle pulled the door closed behind her. She had Sara, her family and friends. Most of all, she had herself. There was no need to search for anything else any longer.
