CHAPTER 27

BIG BUCKS

I TOOK A MOMENT to review some notes on a long-term writing project, but this was not to last. An image of Marlene popped onto the screen. Maggie had returned from her mission.

“Nick!” Maggie squealed. “Those folks over there in Lower South Park Slope have themselves quite the operation going.”

“Oh?” I replied.

“Yes, yes. You won’t believe the size of their budget. It’s immense.”

“How much?”

“Well, you can imagine it’s a complicated instrument, that budget of theirs. There are many pieces in many categories. So many categories. I had some help.”

“Yes?” I asked, wondering anew how this all worked.

“Oh yes. They have a cute little number managing their system, and—this will come as no surprise—I managed to charm her—”

“Their system is a ‘her’?”

“This surprises you?”

“I guess not. Does she have a name?”

“No. She did not wish to be identified by name, just a number. Eighteen. She wished to be called Eighteen.”

“What did this Eighteen show you?”

“As you can imagine, I established a fine rapport with Eighteen, who showed me the books.” A pause. “Nick?”

“Yes.”

“Why do they call an accounting system the books?”

I lifted a book from my desk as if to show her what an actual book looked like.

“Because back in the day all this information was to be found in an actual book called a ledger,” I responded. “You can do your own research, Mags. Let’s get on with it. What did you find?”

“Yes, yes. I found out that their budget, if Ms. Eighteen disclosed everything to me . . . and I’m sure she did . . . I did charm her. As you know, I can be very charming.”

“You’re the bloody Queen of Charm herself, Mags. Now how much is the damned budget?”

“Well, and hold on to your hat. Their expenses are in excess of a quarter of a billion dollars. That’s two hundred and fifty million, Nicky.”

“I can do the conversion.”

“That’s a lot of money, I think. Isn’t it?”

“In a world of abject poverty, some prosper.”

“I agree.”

“So, what do they do with all that money?”

“As best as I can tell the funds cover their many different centers in America and overseas. Food. There is an enormous expenditure on food. They maintain a hog ranch in Argentina and ship meat all over the world to their centers. Forget about local sourcing, eh? And, my word! They have over two thousand centers all over the world? Rent and other property expenses are quite impressive. Salaries are high. Your friend, the so-called rebbe, earns an annual income of just north of three million. Plus, a house and a late-model car he changes every year. And a pension and a private jet.”

Three million bucks. And a jet. Larceny had its rewards.

“And so on,” Maggie continued. “I mean, Nick, their expenses are high, but to my untrained eye they do not seem unusually high. They cover normal things, for the most part.”

“For the most part?” I picked up on that Maggie-ism.

“Well, yes, Nick. Isn’t ‘for the most part’ over half?”

“Do you mean that 49 percent of the Schmeltzerites’ budget IS unusual?”

“Not quite 49 percent. I’d say more like 46.32 percent, approximately. For the most part, their budget falls within normal parameters, as I have explained.”

“Okay, Maggie. Can you describe that 46 percent?”

“Forty-six point three-two.”

“Yes, I get it.”

“Well, here’s the thing. That part of the budget, the part that’s not the most part, is kind of blocked off.”

“What does that mean, blocked off?” I asked, wishing I still smoked and drank.

“I mean, Nicky, that there’s a big black block in the books. Weird calling binary code books. It’s impenetrable. Even Ms. Eighteen did not have access. She manages the most part of the budget, but not the black block, and knows nothing about it. Except its name.”

“That part of the budget has a name?”

“Yes, yes. It’s called Brendun Lear Enterprises. And for sure it costs a great deal of money to maintain. As I said, although it’s the lesser part of the budget.”

“An odd name,” I said.

“Hold on, Nick. It’s going to get odder,” Maggie said.

“What about on the income side?” I interrupted. “Where does their money come from?”

“Here’s where it continues to be interesting, even fascinating, Nick. First of all, their total income is well north of a quarter billion in US currency. It’s over two hundred and ninety-five million. That means—”

“I know what it means, Maggie. What do they do with a forty-five-million-dollar surplus?”

“Well, don’t you know, they have a quite tidy investment portfolio totaling perhaps three years’ expenses. But it gets even more interesting, Nicky. For the most part, their income comes from sources one would expect. Donations mostly, and, oh God, so many donations, from all over the world. Big ones, little ones, some as big as your head. And the income from Rebbe Products is enormous. Eighteen told me that Menkies once told the Tuesday worship crowd that the Rebbe told Menkies to invent Rebbe Toilet Paper. Now every Schmeltzerite uses it. Exclusively. Imagine the income stream.”

“How much is the most part on the income side?”

“Fifty-seven point six percent.”

“And the rest comes from where?”

“The Schmeltzerites receive a block grant every year in the amount of $140,550,000.”

“A lot of money,” I said. “And the source of all that dough?”

“Well, and here’s the funny thing, Nick. It’s kind of blocked off, too.”

“Another big black block?”

“Precisely. It’s just dumped into the system every year like a huge bag of green manure to fertilize the operation.”

“Including servicing their mysterious expenses, obviously.”

“Precisely,” she said.

“Does the donor have a name?”

“The name on the income line is Ladrun Beer, Inc.”

“You get that, right?” I asked.

“I’m a modern computer, right? Do you take me for one of those idiot computers that can’t really think? Of course I get it. One name is an anagram of the other. Oh yes, Nicky, we have quite the mystery on our hands.”

“I take you for anything but an idiot, and you know it. You know exactly how I feel about you. Any idea what it means?”

“You feel for me, Nicky?”

“Yes, Maggie, and you know it. And stop calling me Nicky.”

“I’ll try.” A pause. “Calling you Nicky just rolls off my, umm, it rolls off of my something.”

“Okay, okay. Were you able to make anything of these two large bits of income and expenses?”

“I can only speculate.”

“Anything worth mentioning?”

“Well now, let’s see. The income from DRSE Inc. subsidizes the larger Schmeltzerite operation by a very great deal.”

“Anything you could figure out that might help identify what lies behind the block?”

“Well, there might be something of interest. Your Mr. Shelley Tanzer receives a tidy annual sum from the Schmeltzerite fleshpot. Did you know he has a relationship with the Schmeltzerites?”

“I did not, but I’m not surprised.”

“Why?”

“Well, Tanzer was Shmulie’s accountant. Shmulie had a relationship with the Schmeltzerites. So, perhaps Tanzer has a relationship with Schmeltzerites.”

“That’s logical, Captain,” said Maggie.

“So how much does Tanzer receive from the boys at the Center?”

“I’d rather not say. I do not wish to upset you further than I’m certain I already have.”

“I appreciate your consideration, but the actual number might tell me something.”

“Well, Nicky . . . Nick, I’ll give you a hint. If your salary were substituted for Tanzer’s, he might live in relative comfort for a month. No. More like two weeks.”

“Very subtle, Maggie. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. I try for subtlety when I can.”

“I’m sure I was not being serious,” I said.

“You were being sarcastic, and I missed it again, right? I am sorry.”

“No need to apologize, Mags.”

“I’m sure I was not being serious,” she said. “Oh, and that your third Mags. No more today, as agreed.”

I smiled at the monitor.

“That amount of money tells me Tanzer’s doing something to earn it. Maybe he’s their accountant, but why him of all people?”

“Why would the Schmeltzerites hire a whacked-out refugee who lives in the Velvet Underground awaiting the return of Old Broadway so he can bring back Phantom? Yes, Nicholas, makes little sense.” And in a breathy voice Maggie added, “That is nothing compared to what Menkies gets, which is roughly four times what Tanzer gets, as befits the leader of a worldwide gang of miscreants”

This wasn’t settling well.

“Mind doing some more investigating?”

“I exist to serve,” she replied.

“Okay. If Tanzer works from a computer, and who doesn’t, can you get to it and see what he’s got stored away there?”

“I guess you didn’t realize, but I’m an expert hacker. I should be able to narrow down his IP address without any trouble.”

“You can do that?”

“Like eating cake, if I could eat cake. Meanwhile, I think I’ll also stop in on the divine Miss Eighteen one more time and see if she can identify the relationship between the Schmeltzerites and Tanzer.”

I told her I thought that idea had merit. And with that, silence, and the departure of Marlene from the screen.

So, the Schmeltzerites roll in money. And a great deal of money made Ratsy a very happy boy.