If I Did It, a book so controversial that HarperCollins canceled it and destroyed 400,000 copies, was published on September 13, 2007 with our names on the cover. In the wake of its publication, we received daily, sometimes hourly, updates about how the book was moving up the bestseller list. Between Amazon, the Wall Street Journal, and the New York Times, we were steadily climbing at a rapid pace, hot on the heels of Bill Clinton’s book, Giving. And each time we received an email with the subject line “#4 on …” we hit delete.
A year after its initial publication, we are still not able to fully embrace the success of this book. We continue to struggle with the notion that our name is attached to a book written by the beast that killed Ron and Nicole, so to have the book be successful, for whatever reason, provokes an internal conflict. This book project had so many twists and turns, enmeshed with so many different personalities, emotions, issues, and goals. In a weird morbid way, the only person really dictating the outcome was the killer himself. Not knowing that would be the case at the outset, we entered into a world that was like nothing that we had ever experienced before.
Producers from the Oprah Winfrey talk show began calling Kim months before we ever obtained the rights to the If I Did It book. Having been on the show before, she had a relationship with some of the staff, so the initial conversations were casual and informative. At some point, the producers threw out the idea of having Kim on the show with Denise Brown, sort of a “sister vs. sister” show to talk about the issues percolating just below the surface between the two families that now shared very little except having lost a family member to the killer’s rampage. It was no surprise that there was tension. After all, Denise made no effort to disguise her negative feelings towards our family. It was very difficult to endure her comments, and despite wanting to share our side of the story, that particular show was one that we were not eager to do. The discussion was tabled.
Once we acquired the book, Oprah’s producers called again and wanted to know our decision. By this point, Denise had agreed to appear and now it was up to us. The show format would change slightly from the previous idea: now the show would include both of us and Denise and the focus would be how two families that were victims of the same tragedy could want such different endings regarding the book and the killer’s confession.
When we told the publisher, the agent, and everyone in our camp about the potential Oprah opportunity, they were over the moon. However, we were not. Everyone knows that Oprah’s show is an incredible platform to sell books, but the producers were very clear that they would not be promoting the book, they wanted the families to “talk it out” and Oprah wanted to moderate that discussion. We were concerned as to how the show would ultimately play out, and whether it would be worth it in the end. We decided to take the risk and continued discussing a future show.
Our publicist, Michael Wright, came on board right when Oprah’s people were putting a little more pressure on us to give them a final decision. We had never met Michael but immediately liked him after one five minute conversation. After a few back and forth phone calls between our family and the producers, within a week, we had agreed to do the show as discussed with us and Denise, and it would air on or around September 13th. The publisher decided to print and distribute the book to coincide with the Oprah show, and now we were on the fast track to get there. With just a few weeks to write, edit, and print the book, there would be no rest for the weary.
We knew when we started working with the publisher that we all shared the understanding that we would not change the content of the killer’s book; we agreed that his words were powerful in the book’s “confession” format and that we should not change it. We decided to add to the book, to make it our own and to introduce some sense of integrity to what was deemed, by almost everyone, a horrific and disgusting piece of profiteering from the double murderer. The question for us now was how to make this book something we could live with?
We realized that we would have to attach our family name to a book written by a killer who was confessing to Ron’s and Nicole’s murders, and then we would be asked to endorse it. We knew that, in order to honor our commitment to the court, it needed to be done, but we resented having to participate. We resolved that including our own chapter, a victim’s resource section, a piece from our dear friend Dominick Dunne, and an additional chapter by the ghostwriter, Pablo Fenjves, would put us back in the driver’s seat. Making those decisions gave us some control and empowered us to get behind the project slightly more than when we started. Now we needed to figure out how to stay focused on the true mission while navigating the unfamiliar worlds of publishing, legalese, bankruptcy, media, and public support or disdain.
The weeks leading up to the release of the book were trying at best. We battled conflicting views with all the parties involved, from the artwork on the cover to the title to the jacket … people butted heads every step of the way. Each of us wanted to make the project the best it could be under the circumstances. Balancing all of our opinions and strong wills made the time incredibly stressful, not to mention we were still facing criticism from Denise Brown and the public.
We appreciated the expertise of the publisher and the publicist but we were not focused on making a bestseller out of this book; for us, it was about justice, honoring Ron and Nicole, and preserving our dignity. The more we repeated that mantra, the more trite it sounded.
The triumph for our family was taking this asset from the killer: his work, his words, his ego, and snatching it from his tight grasp—that was our real victory, that was our #1. Watching the book climb the bestseller list before it was even released didn’t really have an impact on us because we had already achieved our end result; the rest of the road ahead was just a matter of obligation to the court.
Eric Kampmann, the publisher, is a good man with a deep respect for doing what was right for our family. His need to balance our emotion with the business side of things must have been extremely difficult for him. We could never get on board with the business component, it felt contradictory for us, and although we understood it was necessary to think from that standpoint, it just felt foreign. From the publisher’s point of view, and rightly so, he was focused on making a good book that would hit #1 on the major lists and sell hundreds of thousands of copies. Who wouldn’t want to be the publisher that could take this taboo book and turn it into a success story in the publishing world? However, we were just focused on telling our story and condemning the killer.
When the book was done and ready for release, the tension was at its highest peak. We were anticipating a less than favorable response and were gearing up for the next phase. Having written a book before, we remembered how proud we had felt when the first batch of books was hot off the press. We were elated that our family’s book, His Name is Ron, was received with such kindness and warmth, and watching that book linger on the New York Times bestseller list gave us a feeling of such immense pride and accomplishment; we would never have that same feeling with If I Did It. There was never a moment of true satisfaction with what we had accomplished in such a short time. That is not to say that we were not proud of what we had contributed or the amazing teamwork demonstrated by all those involved and the trust that was established among a group of virtual strangers. Those things were in place then and still remain. But to see our name below a title that is reflective of a killer’s actions, and to then have to promote this book to satisfy our own judgment, has been grueling.
We tried to separate the pride we felt for receiving a small measure of justice for Ron from being connected to killer, but the lines get crossed and at some point, we were forced to see the project from the business side, because we would be answering to a bankruptcy court. And no matter how close we come to feeling a sense of reprieve and victory, we recognize that we will always be attached to him and we will never be able to shake completely free.
Leading up to the Oprah interview, Denise had gone against the agreement with the show that we would not speak publicly until it aired. She had been very vocal, accusing us of taking blood money, hurting the kids, being hypocrites, and being just like our last name, “out for gold.” She was relentless. Listening to her attacks, which were blatant distortions of the truth, was gut wrenching. We didn’t respond, we knew our time would come; but her momentum was building and with us saying nothing, all the public heard was Denise’s attack after attack after attack.
At the end of August, just two weeks before the book’s publication date, Denise Brown made a startling announcement. In a press conference, she unexpectedly backed out of the Oprah show. During her speech, she promoted her website, never missing the opportunity to criticize us for being flip floppers and for “turning the world upside down.” She said she was still committed to boycotting the book, but that she needed to be there for her niece and nephew to protect them from the harm that we had created. She also mentioned that she was still in communication with Oprah’s show, but just not for this show.
This news came to us as we spent the day at Disneyland for Kim’s son Sammy’s fourth birthday. Having limited cell phone reception, we were unable to determine the impact of her decision. However, we did feel let down and disappointed, as we realized we had actually been excited to go head to head with Denise. After all that we had endured, it was finally our time to set the record straight and then she backed out. We put the news behind us and went on to enjoy the rest of the day.
Despite Denise’s decision not to appear, the show was still going forward. On September 11th, we boarded the plane for the long-awaited trip to Chicago to tape the Oprah show. We all met at the airport, including Michael Wright, our publicist, and Peter Haven, one of our attorneys. Prior to our departure, we were told by producers that Oprah would be reading the book on her flight home from California. We felt better knowing that she would read it herself, as opposed to just relying on rumor or on a summary from her staff. A moment of relief came when we hung up that phone call. The comfort of that feeling would fade quickly.
We got to the hotel and shortly after we checked in, we participated in a “pre-interview” with the show’s producers. We were on separate phones, in two different rooms, as we answered questions and went through the format for the following day. The questions were fairly standard and were easy to respond to, but at some point, the mood changed and we felt strangely uneasy. There was a hint of combativeness and based on previous conversations, it felt out of place. We hung up and immediately expressed our sentiments to each other, and ultimately to Michael. Concerned about what we had experienced, Michael spent the next few hours behind closed doors, while we retired to the dining room for dinner.
We had been joined by another of our attorneys, Jonathan Polak, and a few of our friends who lived in the city. It was nice to sit, relax, and catch up, without the stress of the book hanging over heads. Even though we were getting up early to do the show the following day, we were finally at peace with what we had accomplished and felt strong and prepared to face the “public,” so to speak. This night would be about quiet, calm, and resolve. It was not that at all. No more than twenty minutes into our glass of wine, we received a call from Michael asking us to come back to the room immediately.
We went upstairs, leaving our group behind. Upon entering the room, the look on Michael’s face was not a happy one. He and Peter had been on the phone with the producers who had informed them that there were some big changes to tomorrow’s show.
The first change was that Oprah had not and would not read the book. The second was that Denise had suddenly changed her mind and now she wanted to do the show and was apparently already en route to Chicago. She was going to “pre-tape” her segment because she was refusing to be on the same stage with our family. What was she so afraid of? By this point, Marcia Clark and Chris Darden had joined the line up for the program and the producers were going to drop Denise’s piece into the live show, without any of us seeing the other’s interview or having a chance to discuss our differences as originally planned. Our faces mirrored Michael’s. We felt ambushed and betrayed. The uneasy feeling from earlier had resurfaced. Now we had a choice to make.
We were incredibly disappointed that Oprah had opted not to read the book or even just our chapter which explained why we took this course of action. We were equally dismayed that Denise had worked herself back into the show, in a way that protected her from really having to endure any tough questions from Oprah or being confronted by us.
We felt backed into a corner and considered canceling the interview. However, knowing in our hearts that our decision to do this book was the right one, and recognizing that we had an enormous platform to deliver our message the way we wanted it, we agreed to appear, despite the last-second changes.
The mood for the night had changed once again. We were angry and nervous that we were possibly entering a hostile environment. Not having a chance to go head to head with Denise was most troubling. We waited patiently for the day when we could confront her on the issues over which she had gone after our family. She had been blaming us 100% for this entire situation, while seemingly never holding the killer accountable for creating it to begin with. We believe strongly that she is a coward and realized her position would not hold up once we revealed the truth. Maybe she thought it would be easier to hide behind a taped interview. Even though it was important for us to finally have the chance to challenge her on some of her accusations, she was not who we needed to convince.
Walking into the Oprah building was surreal. The energy was low, our guard was up, and we felt incredibly vulnerable. The pressure was extremely high and it felt awkward. There was a lot of rushing around and last minute changes, which only increased our anxiety. We didn’t know if we had walked into a safe place or if the artillery had arrived, which was unnerving. The producers had come into the green room and sat with us to walk us through the show. We were not trusting. Even though we knew that we could in some way control the flow of conversation, it was not up to us how the show would proceed. We just knew we had a purpose, and we knew we were there with good intentions, so the rest was out of our hands.
We were told that after our segment was taped we would need to leave the building before they continued with showing Denise’s piece. Apparently that is what they promised her.
It was time to take the stage. We said goodbye to Patti, our friends, and our attorneys who had seats in the audience. Michael stayed behind to watch from backstage. The corridor to the Oprah stage is a short walk from the green room; it was the walk from the door to our seats on the stage that felt ten miles long. We stepped out from behind the curtain into a studio full of people who immediately stopped talking the second we appeared. Kim followed Fred to the two chairs on set; she was focused on getting there without tripping, but the whispers were causing her knees to buckle. We sat down and looked out to the audience, panning quickly to find familiar faces. It was so eerily quiet we could hear our own hearts beating. Kim leaned over to Fred and said, “I can’t take the whispering and the staring, I feel so hated here.” Fred grabbed Kim’s hand in an effort to console her when suddenly the room exploded with applause as Oprah walked out.
We stood to greet her, shook hands, exchanged a quick hug and resumed our position. Oprah opened the show describing her disgust for the book and announced that she had not read it, and had no intention of reading it. The audience erupted again. She turned our attention to the monitors and they played a short clip of footage that summarized how we came to own the book. They flashed images of Ron’s and Nicole’s dead bodies, the killer in court the day he was acquitted, the day we had won our judgment in the civil case and lastly, a clip of the killer with his arrogant smile, saying “if I have to work a day to pay the Goldmans, I just won’t do it. I’ll go play golf instead. It’s just that simple.” Both of us were left visibly shaken and teary eyed when the piece ended. It’s amazing how easily every emotion we ever felt comes rushing back the second we see his face and the lack of remorse he displays for the horror he created.
Being on the stage with Oprah, knowing how she felt and how we imagined the audience felt, was unnerving. It was the first time since Ron was killed that we felt unsupported. The public was a place of comfort and compassion for our family for more than a decade, but sitting on the stage that day, we felt the tide had turned. We believed people were angry with us for our decision to publish the book, maybe because they didn’t understand our motive. We felt vilified for having done what we did, made to feel like outcasts, or worse, “in the same category as the killer,” as some would say. We could appreciate why people were confused. After all, we had not expressed our side of the story; we had stayed quiet and let Denise and others do the talking, until today.
Oprah probed into our decision and challenged us on the “flip flopping” that we had admittedly done. She was very opinionated and seemingly closed off to hearing anything that didn’t support her position. Slowly, as we shared our emotion, we think that sentiment shifted, we felt the tide turning. Fred reminded the audience that there was one thing we had hoped to accomplish by publishing the book, which was to pull the veil off of the issue of domestic violence. He said, “If one woman can see herself as Nicole and get out of that situation before she is killed, then we will have done our part.” Fred could barely contain his tears.
We continued to articulate why, thanks to the “justice system,” we had no other choice but to pursue and publish this book. We defended ourselves against the claims of “greed” and the acceptance of “blood money” and we explained that the killer’s kids, who are young adults, had known about the book, signed off on the publication and stood to profit from the original sale. We took the audience and Oprah step by step and explained how we ended up in this unwanted situation. Oprah seemed to soften and, at one point, even stopped herself mid-sentence, realizing she had nothing to say in response to Kim’s emotional declaration, “this was our first real victory.”
After a commercial break, Marcia and Chris joined the conversation. As we continued to talk, we found ourselves sitting more upright, feeling more confident than ever, and finally feeling slightly redeemed. In all honesty, people place a tremendous amount of importance on Oprah and her ability to sway public opinion, but on that day, in that studio, our story swayed that particular audience. The whispering and staring slowly dissipated and after thirty minutes, the tension in the air had finally lifted.
When our segment ended, we were shuffled out of the building. We had no idea how the rest of the show would go, and wouldn’t see the final piece until the following day. We felt good about what we had done. It was satisfying to finally be able to talk freely about things we had bottled up for months. On our way to the airport, Oprah called us to say thank you and goodbye and to express her appreciation for our appearance on the show. She wished us good luck and hung up. We all breathed a sigh of relief and rallied for the next round of interviews that would take us to New York.
The book’s publisher had invited his staff and our family to watch the Oprah show together when it aired the following day. Eric Kampmann wanted to celebrate the release of the book, the success of the sales, and the premiere of the Oprah show. As much as we understood his desire to have us gather as a group, we politely declined. We watched the show alone in a hotel room while the rest of the team gathered downstairs. Typically we do not watch our interviews, but because we didn’t know what Denise was going to say, we felt compelled to do so this time.
Fortunately, our worries were quickly put to rest. Although Denise did not miss the opportunity to slam our family, there was nothing new for us to be concerned about and nothing that warranted a response. In fact, we were quite surprised that given the tremendous Oprah viewership, Denise never asked people to boycott the book. She had the perfect chance to plead her case and didn’t. All in all, the show was the best it could have been and it was time to move forward. We returned to the room where the publishing staff were, expressed our thanks for their hard work, and left.
Michael had arranged for a few more interviews over the course of the next two days, but nothing would prepare us for what would begin to unfold as we left The Today Show studios. Just after we finished our interview, we got word that the killer was in some kind of trouble in Vegas. We all laughed and thought nothing of it. It was not the first time that he had been involved in some kind of trouble, so we didn’t place much importance on the news.
However, as the day progressed, we received a call from our attorney, Jonathan Polak, who shared with us more specific information about stolen memorabilia and an apparent “sting operation” in some dingy hotel room in Las Vegas. Again, we all laughed, obviously not understanding the gravity of what it all meant. Still unclear as to the specifics, we continued our day. We had to be at Fox Studios for a noon interview, so we hopped into a car and headed out.
Once at the studio, the story had caught on like wildfire. Our interview, which was supposed to be about the book, predictably shifted its focus to him, our lives yet again being dictated by actions of the killer. We sat on the set, waiting for a press conference with local officials in Vegas to begin. They were planning on informing the public and the media what had occurred in Las Vegas the night before.
The time sitting on that stage, waiting for news about the killer, reminded us of the day we were waiting for the killer to turn himself in to police years back when he was arrested for the crime of murder. The anticipation, anxiety, and the lack of control is such an intense mix of emotions, and there we were once more, waiting for it to be played out on television. The media was gripped by this new story and suddenly the publication of the book was old news. All attention was on him. As much as we can sometimes feel like we are in control, we realize we are not. Because of his outlandish and bizarre actions, he was directing the next phase of this long, drawn-out drama.
A few days after the news of the hotel break-in in Las Vegas, we had all begun our journeys home, only to be met with the best news of the day. As Kim’s plane landed in Los Angeles, her blackberry immediately began vibrating. She quickly scanned her inbox and saw an urgent email from Peter with the subject line “he has been arrested! Call me ASAP.” Kim was stunned by the news. A moment later, her phone rang. It was Fred, who was reeling with the news that the “S.O.B was in jail!!” We burst into laughter and then the tears flowed. We were not sure what to believe, but the thought of him in shackles and an orange jumpsuit was a dream come true. Maybe karma would get him, and maybe we would get to watch it happen.
The details of his arrest poured in quickly. Guns, thugs, tape recordings, stolen items, kidnapping, cussing, threats, and lastly, an arrest that would land him behind bars. Watching the news footage and reading the newspapers was like music to our ears. And then the pundits chimed in, “there is no case,” “he will do 90 years if convicted of kidnapping,” “he wasn’t brandishing a gun, he’s just an accomplice,” they said. It wasn’t too long before we found ourselves fantasizing of that guilty verdict that we were denied twelve years ago. The optimists in us believe that his time has come, and that he is finally going to get what’s coming to him, while the pessimists in us extinguish any hint of hope and expect the worst. We are right back to the day of the criminal verdict. Have we come full circle?
For the next few days, the news coverage was reminiscent of years past. News of his arrest was all over the news, the internet, the radio. Everyone became an expert and a psychic, predicting the outcome in Las Vegas. We began receiving letters of support and encouragement, and sometimes the occasional note to give us information that “would put him away for good.” Although we had been crushed by the system before, people still tried to convince us that this time, he would pay. We would be holding our breath until then.
Unbeknownst to us, Judith Regan had been calling our publicist, Michael Wright, since the book came out, wanting us to appear on her radio show. Knowing how we felt about her, Michael did not jump at the chance. Shortly after the noise from Vegas quieted, he gently broached the topic with us. Michael suggested that it could potentially be a good opportunity to air our differences and to allow us to explain why we were so upset when the book and TV interview originally came to be. Both of us rejected the idea immediately. But after a day or two of letting it sink in, we decided that we would talk to her first to get an idea of how the show would go and what the tone would be. After all, we knew she was unhappy with what we had done to get the book canceled, and we were fairly certain that she held us accountable for getting her fired. Once we had talked, we would make a final decision.
The call with Judith started out a little awkward. She was defensive but not apologetic by any means. She quickly launched into a line of questioning that included “why were you so upset about the book being written?” “why did you pursue a boycott?” and “how could you not see this book as a confession?” Never truly allowing us to answer, she continued with her “reasoning” behind all of it and almost suggested she was a good Samaritan because of her intentions to bring awareness to the issue of domestic violence. Once we were able to get a word in edgewise, we explained that at the time, we had not read the book and were responding to what we perceived the book to be, a “manual for murder.” Now, having read the book, we obviously feel differently and can appreciate what her intentions were back then. Additionally, when we expressed our disappointment that a reputable publisher and network such as herself and Fox would enter into a business deal with a killer, she was very quick to defend that action.
Initially she said she didn’t know where the money was going, then she finally admitted that the issue of money and the killer turning a profit did cause her some measure of concern. The way she handled that was to demand that the killer not receive a dime directly, and to be assured that it would go to his kids instead. So when the newly formed company, Lorraine Brooke & Associates, appeared out of thin air, she didn’t question it. She said she felt much better and proceeded to sign the contract. We pointed out to her that it was obvious by her unwillingness to pay the killer directly that she was aware of what she was doing and the possible ramifications. She knew there was a $38 million judgment against him and didn’t care as long as he didn’t pocket the cash. We told her that obviously at some point her moral compass went off but she essentially disregarded it once LBA was in place and the deal could move forward so she could land the interview and the book deal of a lifetime! We wanted her to understand that while she may have thought she was doing something for the greater good, she was not being responsible to the people directly involved. She was insensitive towards our family. She kept repeating that she was worried about the children, never acknowledging that her actions were hurtful and disrespectful to us. At one point she even went so far as to say that she was not as concerned with us because Ron didn’t have any children who would be impacted. To which we replied, “that’s true because your celebrity author killed him!” Despite how horribly callous that sentiment was, and knowing this would be a fairly contentious interview, there was nothing that we didn’t feel we could handle. Again, we knew we had the facts on our side. We had moved on from the anger we felt towards her, HarperCollins, and Fox and were just focused on doing what we could to turn the killer’s words against him. So when she asked us at the end of the call if we would do her show, we agreed. Producers set the interview up for a few days later at noon.
On the day scheduled for the interview, noontime came and went with no phone call from her show. It was not until about 2:00 pm that someone finally returned our email inquiry and blamed a bad phone line for the interview not taking place. We were incredibly disappointed that, after the relentless pursuit for us to do her show and the time we spent talking to Judith prior to the interview, they wouldn’t even extend the courtesy of a call to let us know they were experiencing “technical difficulties.” Maybe Judith’s moral compass had turned back on and she realized that trying to defend her actions, which had directly hurt our family, would not play out so well with her listeners.
In October, we received an invitation to appear on Dr. Phil’s show. One of the first things that Michael asked before entertaining the idea was whether Dr. Phil had read or would read the book. In a matter of fact way, the producer told Michael she wouldn’t even ask Dr. Phil to read it. Michael was stunned by the response and rejected the offer. We felt strongly that if someone wanted to have a legitimate conversation with us about the book and our legal struggles, they would need to educate themselves and have all the facts. If they chose at that point to be disgusted or supportive, then at least it would be because they had armed themselves with all the relevant information.
Michael called his colleague on the show, senior producer Julie Ross, and told her what he had been told. She was equally incensed and she immediately told him that Dr. Phil would have to read the book in order to do the interview. “How could he speak on this topic if he doesn’t read the book?” she asked. Shortly thereafter, she called us back and said that not only had Dr. Phil read the book, but he would encourage others to read it as well, as an insight into the killer’s mind. We were shocked and so thankful. He would be one of the only interviewers who would publicly endorse the book as a confession. To have a recognizable talk show host/therapist do that would legitimize and validate what we had set out to do: to have the book be considered a confession.
Show producers had also invited Pablo Fenjves to appear on the program with us. They were going to promote the show as “the first time the Goldmans face the ghostwriter.” We think they wanted to create some kind of drama between us, but fortunately there was nothing to exploit. Yes, when we first learned about Pablo’s participation in If I Did It as the ghost-writer, we were upset, but quickly shifted that blame where it belonged, to the killer. So bringing Pablo onto the stage with us didn’t create the dramatic moment they may have been looking for, but it did allow for a well-rounded discussion of how this book and confession came to fruition.
The process of doing the Dr. Phil show was more positive than we had anticipated. The staff was warm and sensitive, and it didn’t hurt that the entire production team was supportive of what we had done. It was obvious that they took great pains to read and research as much as they could, and they definitely tried to understand the motivation behind our efforts. Dr. Phil certainly invested his time as well. His copy of the book was marked up with handwritten notes, highlighted sections, post-its, and index cards jutting out the sides. He completely dissected and analyzed the manuscript and came to the same conclusion we did: confession, confession, confession. At the end of his show, he made a comment (much like Oprah tried to do during our interview with her) about closure and wishing that our family would find peace in all of this. They were not the first to mention closure and certainly would not be the last.
It has often been said that we have not “moved on” and that we are suffering from a lack of closure. This has been a point of contention for us for a very long time. Closure does not exist in a victim’s/survivor’s vocabulary. Every day that your loved one isn’t able to give you a hug or share in your joy is another day that closure is unobtainable. Living with grief is a full time job and adjusting to it is a constant struggle that you never quite master. For any victim, the memories and pain never leave you. The intensity may shift, but it never goes away. And in our situation, with the killer walking the street, we are never completely free of him. At any given moment, he can pop back up into our world or emerge to make an appearance on television. Because of his infamy, we are always at his mercy. That realization is paralyzing sometimes.
Because the public tunes in and out of this tragedy, they forget that it’s a never-ending ordeal for us. When the news story ends, it’s just the beginning for us. When the media stops reporting, it doesn’t necessarily mean nothing is happening. It’s easy to say to us that we obsess over this case and that all we do is live and breathe it, twenty-four hours a day, but the truth is, loss is with you every waking minute. If we are out and see a white Bronco on the freeway, our minds shift for a second, but for the public, that occurrence would be meaningless. If we are watching a movie and it references something from the criminal trial, while the public may laugh, we take a deep breath to regroup.
We have said it before: we can never expect others who have not walked in our shoes to truly understand our motivation and our determination to see this to the end. Every day the killer walks free, he pours salt in our very open wound; we cannot hide from that. But the memory of Ron gives us strength and courage. So does the belief that good outweighs evil in the end. We have to believe that we will persevere and hopefully, the killer will self-destruct some day.
Many people have suggested that the bankruptcy proceedings, the killer’s failure to “beat us” in court, and the publication of the book are ultimately what drove him over the edge and directly led to what happened in Las Vegas. He was done in by the arrogant belief that if he can’t get what he wants, he can just take it. That is not a new theory. In fact, it’s consistent with every other major event in his life that we know about. He couldn’t control Nicole, so he beat her. He couldn’t keep her to himself, so he killed her. He was losing his belongings, so he decided to get them back. Storming a hotel room with a gun is probably not that big a deal to a guy who got away with double murder. Seems perfectly fitting to act as if you are above the law when the law has never held you accountable for any of your actions. Why would he start thinking he needed to follow the rules now?
It makes sense to us, and we will gladly take any credit for helping drive him to the brink of insanity. We have always vowed to stay steadfast in our pursuit of him and the judgment, and to make his life a living hell. As far as we are concerned, he brutally stabbed to death two loving people who had dreams, hopes, families, and futures. He should not be able to experiencing the joys of life, the ones that he took from Ron and Nicole the night he killed them. If we can make his life miserable, force him to constantly look over his shoulder, constrain his every move, then we have accomplished our goal. If this pressure we put on him caused the killer to take risks to hide his property and deal with shady characters, and that leads him to prison, even better.
The upcoming trial is looming, and we are experiencing a wide range of emotions. It’s hard to believe that we will bear witness to three trials with this beast and there has never been any assurance that justice would truly be achieved in any of them. This story, with all of its characters, is such an anomaly; nothing surprises us anymore. As much as the media and the public say they are “done with him,” they came out in droves for his arraignment to watch the chaos unfold. Maybe they were hoping to finally end the story of his lunacy and regain hope in our system. A majority of people in this country felt wronged by the criminal verdict, and most of us just want to see the judicial system truly work and that bad people will be punished for the crimes they commit. We are holding our breath that that day will come, hopefully in this lifetime.
We received a gift from a very nice man. He sent us a t-shirt that depicted the killer’s mug shot from behind bars, with the simple statement “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” Could that be true in this case? We are not sure how we would feel one way or the other with the result of this case. He will never pay for the brutal murders of Ron and Nicole and that is a hard pill to swallow, but at this point, we will take whatever we can get. One can’t help but wonder: if he is actually sentenced to time in jail, what will his existence be like? Will he command respect or be treated with disdain? Will he be revered as a sports icon and hero or deplored as a wife-beater and murderer? Yes, we know we have no control over what happens behind bars, but it’s difficult to stop the thoughts from playing over and over again in our heads. To not have the guarantee that justice will ever be served is indescribable.
Once again, we have to sit idly by while we relinquish control to the system. We are preparing ourselves for what we know will be a firestorm of lies, accusations, cover-ups, mud-slinging, and more nonsense, in an effort to acquit the killer a second time around. Despite our experience in the Criminal Courts building in Los Angeles, we have to find a way to convince ourselves that this time it will be different. We know that he will never be punished for what he did on June 12th, 1994. We will never have the true justice that we deserve, that Ron and Nicole were entitled to. Now, we have to force ourselves to believe that history won’t repeat itself in Las Vegas, and that if he did in fact commit numerous felonies, including robbery with a deadly weapon, conspiracy to commit robbery, burglary with a firearm, and kidnapping, that he will serve the maximum sentence allowed by the law. We have to resist the urge to give up hope or to think that our system only benefits the rich and famous. We will continue our pursuit of him and the justice that he escaped all those years back. We have to believe that justice prevails. We will not give up.