My Heart Insists This is Home
“I won’t be back tonight,” Jewel calls as she rushes back down the hall to grab something. “I’m sorry, I know you’re just getting home. Joy’s family is doing this thing for her grandparents’ anniversary, and we’re staying in Portland, so I won’t be back until tomorrow.”
“Don’t worry.”
Jewel returns and shoves something into the bag on the stool, then stops and runs a hand over her braids, her lips moving as she goes through whatever list is on her mind. “You sure?” she asks, her dark eyes cutting to me.
“I’m good.”
“You don’t think Sebastian will stop by? I’m a little worried about that.”
“No. I don’t think so.” I can’t help my grin. “Besides, Seth is coming over to watch a movie.”
A smile erupts on her face, and she gets a cheeky look, her right eyebrow arching. “Oh really?”
I giggle, wishing I could make that look. “Yes. So don’t worry.”
“I won’t then.” She zips the duffle and swings it onto her shoulder. “I think I’ve got everything.”
“You’re only going to Portland, not the Arctic.”
Her phone beeps. “Shit. That’s Joy. She’s going to be irritated that I’m late.” She gives me a side hug, then answers her phone. “Hey babe, I’m walking out the door.” Then she waves at me and closes the door behind her.
I lock it once it’s closed, and I’m alone. The apartment is quiet. Seth is on his way over. My heart twists in my chest. I hurry to take a shower and put on something presentable. I don’t want to try too hard, and now is when I need Jewel. I dial Facetime, my nerves dialing up my tension, and thankfully Abby answers. “How are you doing?”
“I’m okay. I need your help. Do I look okay?” I turn the screen so she can see my reflection in the mirror.
“For what?”
“Seth’s coming over.”
“What?!?” She screeches, but I can’t see her. “Okay. Okay.” She releases a breath. “What is this for?”
“Watching a movie. At home.”
“Are those jeans? Maybe leggings instead? Dress comfortably, but cute. Casual.”
I turn the screen back to face me. “Is it dumb that I’m nervous.”
“No. That isn’t dumb at all.”
I sink to my bed.
“What is it, Hannah?”
“What if, like, dating Seth changes being friends? What if he realizes he doesn’t like me? What if being together is terrible?”
“Would you say you’ve been friends the last couple of years?”
“You’re right.”
“You aren’t going to have any answers to those questions until you take the risk, Han.”
I nod.
“Go get changed and call me back when you’re done.”
“Thanks, Ab.”
I settle on black leggings with an oversized sweatshirt. My hair is still a little wet, so I leave it down, but before I can dial Abby, there’s a knock at the door. I text her that I’ll call her later and take a deep breath. When I open the door, Seth is standing outside the door, holding a Lindie’s Pizza box.
He smiles. “Hi.” Dimples. He holds up the box. “I thought we might get hungry.”
I’m surprised my bones are still there since I feel like I’ve melted in my spot now that he’s here. Stepping back so he can come inside, my heart thrums in my chest as I close the door behind him. “Yum. You can take it into the kitchen.”
He sets the white box on the counter, and I slide past him over the linoleum in my thick socks to get some plates.
“There’s some drinks in the fridge,” I tell him.
When I turn with the plates, he’s removing his jacket. He’s wearing a heather gray t-shirt that shows off the slope of his shoulders to the swell of his arms, and I feel a jolt in the base of my spine. The fabric drapes around his body in a way that allows me to admire the way he looks, and there’s a beautiful sinew in the muscle visible as he moves. He lays the jacket over one of the barstools. When he walks around the counter, I notice the way his black sweatpants ride his hips.
I swallow, and my face heats (curses!) as I move across the space to the counter bar while he opens the fridge.
“What would you like?”
“A soda.”
He retrieves two and returns to the counter.
“Thank you.”
He sets them down and looks at me.
That spark sizzling at the base of my spine spirals up my back when our gazes connect.
I look away to hide my blush. “Napkins.” I turn and slide across the room.
“Are you in training for an ice show?” he asks, his tone light and fun.
I smile. “Yes. Actually.”
“Need a partner?” He joins me in the kitchen, sliding in his socks over the linoleum with me.
He holds out his hands. “Esteemed audience, I’d like to introduce you to the linoleum stylings of Seth and Hannah.”
I revel in the feel of my hands in his strong ones.
With smiles on our faces, we slide around like we’re dancing though there isn’t any music except our laughter. Seth spins me out, away from him, then draws me back in, his arm wrapping around me, holding me close, our fronts aligning. “They just executed a perfect double-sock, circular maneuver. Did you notice that skill, Frank?” He mimics an announcer-style voice, his body slightly bent over mine as we move together.
I let my head drop back, laughing, heart racing with a different beat.
Seth straightens, grasps my hips, and twirls me around. “It looks like Seth is doing most of the work. His partner needs to go to training more frequently.”
“Oh, my stomach,” I grasp my belly aching with mirth now, bent at the waist.
“What? Are you okay?” Seth seems concerned, his body pressed to mine, my back to his front.
I straighten and turn, Seth’s hands still on my waist. “I’m fine.” Only fine isn’t the right word at all. I’m overheating. I’m anticipating… more.
“I’m all about fun, Hannah.” His eyes dip to my mouth, and he steps away from me. “I used to do that when I was a kid,” he says and launches himself across the linoleum. “I forgot. I used to pretend I was a hockey player.” He looks over his shoulder and offers me an unguarded grin. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen one so authentic on him. Dimples for days. “I think we’ve discovered the next Olympic sport.”
I giggle and return to the pizza.
He joins me, his shoulder bumping against mine when he comes to a stop.
“Thanks for dinner,” I say.
“Of course. I hope it becomes a thing.”
We each take a slice.
“How was home?” he asks and moves around the other side of the counter.
“Strange.”
He brings a stool around for me, then returns to a seat across from me before he takes a bite. “And?” he prods and waits for me to keep going, which shakes me a moment. With Sebastian, I was always listening to his woes and triumphs, his thoughts and opinions. I realize how rare it was to have his undivided attention unless I was offering my thoughts about him. When I did talk about my stuff, it never felt like he was listening, but rather baiting me with his teasing until I was frustrated. Then I’d shut down.
“It feels like we’re moving forward.”
He nods, encouraging me to continue.
“A year ago, it was like we needed to be together, a support system to walk through each day. This time, we were able to smile and laugh. It’s still painful, but like a dull ache rather than a sharp one. I’m not making any sense, am I?”
“You’re making perfect sense.”
I pick at a slice of pepperoni. “I think my mom might have met someone.”
His eyebrows rise over his eyes. “Really? Why do you think that?”
“A feeling. She didn’t say, but I don’t know. There was this man at my sister’s cheerleading competition.” I fill him in on the rest of the weekend. The competition, the mysterious man named Kit, seeing Nate and Matt, wanting to come back.
He tells me about his weekend, which was mostly video games and homework.
“Did you enjoy the rec center?”
He tilts his head, and the shape of his eyes asks the question, how did I know?
“You sent me a picture in front of the climbing wall.”
“Oh. Right.” He pokes at the crust before he picks it up and takes a bite. There’s something in his tone that suggests he’s holding back. I’m not sure how I know this, but I think about Seth sliding around in his socks versus what he’s just said, and those are incongruent when juxtaposed with one another.
“Everything okay?” I ask.
He pinches his earlobe and tugs on it, then frowns, and I miss his smile. I note his mouth in any shape is alluring, but now he’s gone serious. “I don’t know if I should mention it.”
“Mention what?”
“It feels kind of self-serving, and that isn’t what I want.”
“Well, now you have to tell me.” I offer him a smile.
“I saw Sebastian.”
My smile fades as I imagine how that played out. “I’m sorry.” I drop my face into my hands.
He grabs my wrists and pulls my hands away from my face. “Please don’t apologize for him. Whatever he does isn’t yours to apologize for.”
“I’m imagining the worst.”
“Why?”
I hesitate. It isn’t because I’m afraid of how Seth might react, but rather more concerned about how crappy, how used my last interaction with Sebastian made me feel. “He asked me to give him another chance the other night, and he wasn’t very happy with the outcome.”
“Because he didn’t get what he wanted?”
I offer Seth a short smile. “Yeah. And he isn’t used to not getting his way, you know?”
“Yeah. I do.”
I drop my chin to my chest and stare at the uneaten crust of my pizza, then sigh and shake my head. “What happened?”
Seth moves around the counter and stops next to me. When I straighten my shoulders, he grasps them and makes me turn to face him. “Look,” he says and lifts my chin. I comply, and he searches my face, paying most attention to my eyes. “Maybe instead of worrying about him, what he does or doesn’t do, let’s focus on us?”
I smile, a more complete one.
He’s right.
I nod.
He wraps his arms around me, drawing me into his embrace, and I rest there, enjoying the strength in his back I feel under my hands.
“What would you like to do,” I ask, changing the subject and moving away before I start feeling him up, very conscious of the feel of his shape against mine.
His eyes widen, then narrow. “Are you sure you want to ask me that, Hannah?” He grins. “Because there’s a lot I’d like to do.” Dimples.
I smack his arm playfully. “I thought maybe we could watch a movie?”
“Sure.”
We clean up, linoleum skating as we do, laughing until our stomachs hurt. Then we set up on the couch, side-by-side, with my laptop on the coffee table in front of us. We scroll through a streaming service until we find something to watch.
I sit, folding my legs under me, my knee resting on Seth’s thigh, and pull my hair up into a loose bun. When I turn to look at Seth, he’s watching me, his mouth neutral, his eyes cataloging my movement.
“Do I have something on me?” I ask and swipe at my face.
The movie’s opening song plays.
Seth grabs my hand. “No. I was just thinking about how beautiful you are.” He doesn’t release my hand.
My heart swells to the size of a balloon but grows heavy in my chest as it works to keep beating and drips warmth into my belly. My cheeks heat, and I give him a self-conscious smile. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Nothing. It wasn’t a question.” He smiles.
I turn to watch the movie, the credits flashing, but I’m not thinking about it at all; it’s background noise to what’s happening inside of me. I’ve tucked myself closer to him, my hand in his. His thumb moves over my skin. I’m thinking about Seth and the way I am both feather light and rock heavy simultaneously. I’m thinking about his other arm stretched out behind me. I’m thinking about how I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I’m thinking about what I want and realizing that what I want, and have wanted for a very long time, is him.
His fingers caress my neck, a repetitive graze that kindle sparks under my skin.
I turn to look at him.
He’s still watching me and smiles. “Is this okay?” he asks, touching the skin near my collar.
I nod, a current racing through my body. I say his name.
“Yes?”
My heart picks up speed, my nerves sharpening into points that might break me apart, but I think about what my mom said about fear driving my emotions, being a prison. “Remember what we talked about before I left?”
“We talked about a lot.” His finger continues to blaze trails over my skin.
My face heats, and I look at the computer. “About how we felt.”
“I’m teasing you, Hannah. Of course, I remember.”
I look at him then, my eyes drifting over his features, his smile, memorizing them. Drawing from that foundation I rebuilt during my visit home, I say, “I would really like to kiss you.”
He releases my hand and leans toward me. His eyes search my face, survey it, mapping if what I’ve said is written there. When he reads the truth, he exerts a gentle pressure with his hand in my hair, cupping the back of my head, and draws me toward him, but he doesn’t kiss me. “I thought maybe you’d changed your mind,” he says, his eyes dropping to my mouth.
I shake my head, leaning against his touch, longing for more weight, more pressure, more. “No. Why would you think that?” I search his face and am struck by the fact I’m here with Seth, who occupied many of my girlhood fantasies. My heart pounds with ferocity, as if it knows this is what I’ve been waiting for.
He shrugs, and for a moment I see a flash of insecurity.
I move so I’m facing him, his hand still in my hair, his caress drawing power from inside me. I press a hand to his jaw. “I can’t stop thinking about the night on the beach. And maybe I’ve been dreaming about this my whole life, if the beating of my heart is any indication.” I lean forward to press my mouth to one of his dimples.
After that initial touch, Seth sighs and turns his face so that his mouth finally meets mine.
It’s perfect and wraps my heart in a warm, protective embrace.
I slide one hand up over his chest, meeting the other around the back of his shoulders, and pull him closer.
Maybe it’s a strange thing to think, considering that Seth and I are only reorienting our spheres, but kissing him feels like coming home.