My Heart Insists It’s Got a Little More Fight
“Baby,” Sebastian says, his full weight on me, his hands swiping at my tears. “Don’t cry. This didn’t have to happen.”
I can’t breathe but draw in a stunted breath through the tears leaking from my eyes. I wonder if Sebastian is going to kill me. I never thought of him that way, but now I’m not so sure, and the thought makes the tears flow faster. I don’t think Jewel’s aunt thought her boyfriend would kill her either. Do any of the many women killed by someone they thought they loved and who claimed to love them?
My sob catches in my throat.
My life finally felt like it was on the right track. I was derailed for some time, but after a few repairs, I started in the right direction. And now– “I feel like I need to throw up,” I mumble, turning my head to the side.
“You’re okay, Hannah. It will pass. Baby–”
“Don’t call me that. I’m not your baby.” My voice sounds distant, hazy, and my thoughts are slow. I want out from under this weight. “Get off.”
He hushes me. “Enough. It didn’t have to be like this. Stop fighting this. Stop fighting us.” He releases one of my pinned arms and uses his hand to smooth my hair, his thumb to wipe the blood under my nose. “See. We’ll get you cleaned up. And everything will be good as new.”
I move my arm, but I feel dazed and sluggish. With the heel of my hand, I hit him, but it connects.
He grabs it, and with one of his, pins both of my hands above my head again. His heavy body weighs down my legs, all of me, so I can’t move. With his free hand, he continues to clean my face with the edge of his t-shirt. “See. I’ll take care of you. I’ll always take care of you, Hannah. I love you–”
Which makes me cry harder. “This isn’t love,” I sob. I know what love is. Seth loves me, and I’m afraid. Afraid of what’s going to happen next and my absolute inability to fight. No room to move. No strength left.
Except I keep thinking about the wall.
About the bubble gum hand holds. About making it halfway up, and Seth asking, “Just one more? Got one more in you?”
I need my brain back online so I can figure out what to do, only it doesn’t want to cooperate.
Sebastian continues to talk to me, his tones lowered and dulcet, as if that’s enough to placate me.
I relax, hoping he’ll get off me.
But it doesn’t stop the tears, however. It makes them flow harder, until I’m sobbing.
“Please, baby. Stop,” he says, and I hear his frustrated tone. “Don’t make me hurt you.”
I try to staunch them to keep his anger from climbing, hiccupping under the duress of trying to find my way through this nightmare. I’m alone. No one knows. Maybe Abby, but who could she call? Jewel should be home soon—I hope—unless she’s going to Joy’s. But I don’t want her hurt by Sebastian. Seth won’t know. No one will come for me.
I take a deep breath through the tears.
Sebastian continues his ministrations. “Look at me.” He uses his hand to squeeze my cheeks and force me to look at him. “I’m doing this for us. You know that, right? To prove to you how much you mean to me? See what you do to me? You make me crazy.”
Then he kisses me, his lips soft on mine. He pulls away and looks at me, taking in my face. “It can be good again, Hannah. If you let it.” He brushes my lips with his thumb. “I can forgive you for your indiscretion with that other guy.” He presses another kiss to my lips. “We’re soulmates. Remember?” This time when he kisses me, he tries to use his tongue, but I refuse to open my mouth. “Let me in, Hannah.”
I shake my head, turning my head to end the kiss.
He grabs my face again with his hands, pinching my cheeks harder this time. “I told you. Don’t make me punish you, Hannah. You can stop this.”
“Let me up.”
“I can’t.”
“You’re choosing not to.”
He shakes his head. “No, you are. You’re overly emotional. I just wanted to talk, and you freaked out. And I didn’t mean it. Didn’t mean it. It was an accident. I was trying to calm you down. You were freaking out–” He stops talking and turns his head to listen.
I hear it then, a knock at the front door, and a deep voice, though I can’t be sure what’s being said. “Here!” I start, but Sebastian’s hand clamps over my mouth and nose and presses.
“Shhhh,” he says vehemently.
I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!
I don’t have air. I struggle under him.
His head is turned away, listening.
I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!
My vision crackles, turning both black and alive with brilliant stars.
I’m dying.
Jewel will find me. This makes me feel sad. She’s seen too much bad stuff in her life.
My mom and sister will have to bury another family member. I hate that I’ll bring them pain this way. Will they celebrate both dad and me on the same day?
Seth. At least he knows I love him.
And then air rushes in, because Sebastian has released his hold. “Fuck!” He snaps it like he’s hit something.
“Let me go,” I say between fresh tears. I want to rant that the police are coming, even if that isn’t true. I want to rant about him ruining his life, ruining his football career, but I don’t. I’m suddenly so afraid, I can’t find it in me to do anything but beg. “Please, Sebastian. Let me go. You don’t want this.”
“I want you.”
I want to contradict him. I want to tell him he doesn’t, but I don’t. I don’t care what he wants. I know what I want, and it’s to live, and to see my sister compete as a cheerleader, and see my mom date again, and hear Jewel talk about how much she loves Joy and attend their wedding, and talk to Abby about life, and hear about her life in Hawaii, and kiss Seth again, laugh with him, feel my hand in his.
“Not this way,” I say. “Not like this.”
“What do I need to know, Hannah?”
I’ll tell him anything he wants to hear. “There’s only you. It’s only you.” I feel like gagging on the lie, but I need him to let me go.
“See.” He smiles. “That wasn’t so hard. Why did you have to play so hard to get?”
“Let me up.”
“Kiss me first. Prove it to me.”
The idea is repellant, but if it gets me up, I’ll do it. I lift my head and place a kiss on his lips, then drop my head back onto the mattress. “Let me up.”
He smiles. “I need more than that,” he says and shifts over me. I feel him grow hard against me, and I want to scream.
“I can’t move, to give you anything better.”
“But this is hot,” he says with a grin, his eyes maneuvering down my length pinned under him. “You all subdued this way.”
I want to fucking punch his nose and break it, but my hands are still pinned over my head. So, I offer him a fake smile he seems incapable of reading.
His free hand moves from my face, down to my breast, where he grabs hold, squeezing too tight. Punishing. “It’s been a while, Hannah. I think you deserve some punishment for teasing me. For spreading your legs for another guy.”
“Let me go.”
“Kiss me,” he says and leans down. “Show me how you want me.”
I kiss him. I let him put his tongue in my mouth. I make noises to make him think I’m into it. That isn’t hard. I’ve faked it with him before, and he’s too selfish to know the difference. I wiggle so he relaxes into his turned-on body, until he releases me. He moves his body, rising onto my pinned hands, his legs framing my body. Leaving him completely exposed. I take the shot.
I draw my knee up and ram it into his balls as hard as I can.
He cries out, and rolls to his side, curling with a groan, coughing and sucking air.
I don’t wait. I run.