NINETEEN

MY DAD’S NOT HOME FOR dinner, so I decide I’ll make the mac and cheese tomorrow night instead. He tells us he’s going to meet with his friend Bruce, who may have some leads for him on new jobs. So it’s just Mom, Gemma, and me at the table, and no one’s talking at all.

My mom made spaghetti and meatballs, but it doesn’t taste as good as it usually does. The meatballs are dry, and the sauce is watery. I think she forgot to add garlic. Nothing tastes right.

Gemma reads a book at the table, while my mom looks through a file of bank statements.

Lovely dinner company.

When I can’t handle staring at them anymore, I take out my cell phone and scroll through my email and my texts, and when I see nothing new there, I check Instagram to see if Kaylan has posted any new photos from the trip.

A strip of “people you may know” accounts pops up, and I see that while I was away Cami and June have both joined Instagram. Amirah too.

I click on Cami’s profile, and instantly my body feels like it’s been scorched.

Right there in front of me is a picture of Cami, June, Sydney, Amirah, M.W., Kira, and Marie, posted eleven minutes ago.

They’re all at the Ice Cream Shop, eating the super-mega cones—the ones with the Rice Krispies treats on the outside, and the sprinkles and the Oreo crumbles.

I just texted them earlier! They said they were maybe going to meet up tonight. And then they didn’t even text me or invite me. Or ask me to come.

I put the phone screen-down on the table and go back to my plate.

Just put it out of your mind, I tell myself.

Stop thinking about it.

Is it really even a big deal?

You don’t like them anyway.

Who cares?

None of that works because I do care. Because it is a big deal. Because they’re clearly a crew, and I’m not part of it, and maybe they don’t even want me to hang out with them anymore.

I never knew a happy picture of some girls eating ice cream could make me feel so isolated and terrible and left out. Sometimes you know you’re not a part of something, and it stings. But to see it right in front of your face—it’s the ickiest, slimiest feeling. Like there’s something majorly wrong with you, and you might never figure out what it is.

Gemma and I go into the den to watch TV after that, but I don’t pay attention to a single thing I see on the screen. My head is in a million different places. And I wonder if I should text the lunch table girls and find out why they didn’t invite me. Should I call them out on it?

But that will only make me seem even more pathetic.

I can’t.

Thankfully, a few minutes later my phone buzzes on the coffee table.

I see that it’s Alice and pick it up right away and run up the stairs to my room.

“Hi,” I say, sounding gloomy.

“Um, you sound like your puppy ran away. I know you don’t have a puppy, though.” She pauses. “What’s up?”

I sniffle, holding back tears. “Well, where to start? So my dad lost his job. My bat mitzvah party isn’t happening really, and all of the girls I sort of hang with at school got together without me tonight!”

“Ari, my love!” Alice exclaims. “That’s completely terrible. All on the same day?”

I sigh. “Pretty much, yeah.”

“You need to reach out to Hana and Zoe, too. Tell them what’s up. Okay?”

“Um, I was planning to tell them. But why right now?” I slump back against my pillows, grateful to hear Alice’s voice on the other end of the phone.

“It sounds cheesy but that’s what friends are for. Duh. You need to lean on people in hard times, Ar.” Alice sighs. “We’re here for you.”

“Thanks, AlKal. I love you tons.”

“Ditto, Noddie.”

I change into my pajamas and get into bed early, reading over the honors track packet and trying to strategize. Eventually, I aim to fall asleep, but I can’t.

I remember what Alice said about leaning on people, so I decide to email the camp girls since they all have a “no texting after ten p.m.” rule.

Hi, Lovies:

The craziest stuff is happening here. My dad lost his job and now there are going to be some adjustments to my bat mitzvah party. I don’t even really know what that means. Also, the girls I was friends with last year went out for ice cream tonight and didn’t invite me and then posted a photo on Instagram! I mean, how could they do that? If you’re going to go out and not invite someone, the least you can do is not post about it. Am I right?

Ugh. I miss you guys so much. You’re the only ones who get me.

My mom is crazy stressed. And those girls are always telling me my boobs are so big all of a sudden. WAHHHH. Did I have big boobs all summer and not realize it?

Why can’t we still be at camp?

I love you all.

Ari

After that, I still can’t fall asleep. I know people say not to use screens in bed, that it only leads to insomnia, but I have so much on my mind, I need to get it out somehow.

I type and erase and type and erase at least ten texts to Kaylan, but finally I decide to send it.

Maybe she’ll have some explanation for the lunch table girls.

Ari: Yo. U asleep?

Kaylan: no, my bro & my dad r both snoring. Grrrr

Ari: having fun tho?

Kaylan: kinda yeah. IDK. Hard 2 explain.

Kaylan: how r u?

Ari: lunch table girls insta’d 2 night & didn’t invite me even tho I texted earlier

Kaylan: hmm

Ari: ??

Kaylan: they prob 4got b/c u were away 4 so long

Ari: IDK seems weird

Kaylan: want me 2 text them?

Ari: noooooooo

Kaylan: k. what else is up?

I debate texting her about my dad, but it’s too much to type.

Ari: not much sleepy

Kaylan: k nighty night

Kaylan: oh! We went 2 a comedy club here! So amaze. Def my passion! Going to pursue.

Ari: duh.

Kaylan: just reconfirmed it

Ari: k bye

I cry myself to sleep that night, not because I’m sad, really. I don’t actually know why I’m crying. It just feels like things are shifting in this very slow way. Like every day I’m farther and farther away from the person I used to be. I don’t know this new person—the girl who feels overwhelmed, like things are slightly out of control. The girl who apparently has big boobs all of a sudden.

I didn’t get a say in any of this.

As soon as Kaylan gets home, I’m going to tell her that none of her planning makes a difference or makes any sense at all.

Things just happen, without us knowing when or how or even why.

They just happen.