Nathan
I stared at the text again, my heart pounding so hard I was sure Monroe heard it. They’re gone for now. Can you make it?
Did I want to? Did I want to make it?
“Turn left at the lights.”
We passed Sheriff Bellafonte’s car parked next to the bus stop and I looked away, glad that Monroe’s lead foot was relaxing a bit. Up ahead, I saw the hospital, and I told Monroe where to park for free, on Fraser Street just to the right. She pulled in along the sidewalk, and I pretended not to notice when she bumped the curb.
Foo Fighters were playing on the radio, and the air that blew from the vents was colder than I liked. Guess the northern girl wasn’t used to our steamy summers, but I liked the heat.
I blew out a long, hot breath, my foot tapping an insane beat on the floor. I was nervous, and I felt like my head was going to explode, but I kept it cool. I had to.
“Are you going to be long?” Monroe asked.
She tapped her fingers along the steering wheel, and when she turned to look at me, for one second—for one perfect second—I thought she had the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen.
“Nathan?” she asked.
“Call me Nate,” I said as I reached for the door handle.
“What?”
“Nate,” I said again and opened the door. “It’s what my friends call me. Nathan is saved for the parents and everyone else.”
I rounded the car and stared down at her.
“So we’re friends now?” she said, her fingers still tapping the steering wheel, tap, tap, tap, in rapid succession.
“Are you coming?” I asked instead, moving back so she could open the door. She hadn’t even asked why I was here or what I was going to do, which I found interesting. I wondered if it was because she was afraid to ask, but then I decided it was more that she didn’t give a crap. She wasn’t exactly the warm and fuzzy type, and I guess that was another thing that I kinda sorta liked about her.
She wasn’t clingy or needy or begging me for something that I couldn’t give her. It was nice to be with someone who had no expectations.
Just last week, Rachel had gotten all heavy on me, afraid that I was mad at her about something and that I was going to break up with her. She begged me to tell her that everything was going to be all right, and I gave in.
But the lie still stuck in my throat, and when I thought about it, I felt sick.
Monroe glanced behind me, toward the hospital. I’m sure she thought I was a freak. Hell, I probably was. What kind of guy brings a girl to the hospital? A girl he hardly knows? And yet, I needed her. I needed someone, and I guess it sucked for Monroe that she was the only person around.
“Come on,” I repeated, my hand held out.
I could pour on the charm. Smile a certain way and lean against the car. Stare into her eyes like she was the most important girl in the world. I knew what girls liked, and I also knew what I could get away with. But I didn’t think any of that would work with this particular girl. Her bullshit meter seemed to be sharp.
So I waited. And I hoped she couldn’t tell that I was basically shitting my pants at the thought of going in there by myself.
“You’re weird,” she said softly.
“Promise you won’t tell anyone?” I smirked.
She shook her head, but there was a slight smile around the corner of her mouth, and for some reason, it felt good to know I’d put it there.
I stepped back, and she opened her door.
We headed up Fraser to the corner and waited for the light to change. When it did, I grabbed her hand—an automatic thing—and was surprised that she let me.
I was also really surprised at how small and soft her hand was. She didn’t have those fake four-inch things that Rachel and a lot of her girlfriends had. Shit, you could poke a guy’s eyes out if you weren’t careful. And I didn’t want to think about how many times I’d had to listen to Rachel and her friends bitch about breaking one of them.
In the grand scheme of things, I didn’t care about something as stupid as fake nails, and I was willing to bet most of my buddies didn’t either.
But her hand didn’t stay in mine for long, and by the time we reached the entrance, I reluctantly gave in to her gentle tugs and released her.
She followed me to the elevators, and I punched the fifth floor as if I had every right to. As if I’d done it a thousand times before, when I’d only been up there once and that had been a disaster.
Monroe didn’t say anything, she just followed me inside the elevator, and I wished her hand was still in mine because honestly, the urge to bolt was bad.
I thought of Rachel and how she had refused to come with me that first time, three months ago. She’d pulled out the big guns, had cried until her mascara made raccoon tracks down her cheeks, and she’d managed to make me feel worse than I already did. So I went without her, and it had turned out pretty much the way she thought it would.
It had sucked. If she knew I was here now, I’m sure she’d hit me in the shoulder and call me a loser.
But she wasn’t. I glanced down at my empty hand, and I was still staring down when the elevator doors slid open.
The first thing I saw was the nurse’s station. The second? Taylor’s fierce scowl and her wild, blond hair.
“Who the hell is that?” she pointed at Monroe.
“You don’t need to be such a bitch, Taylor. This is Monroe. She’s just a…a friend.”
“Uh-huh,” she said. “So she’s your ride?” I knew she was thinking about Rachel, and judging by the nasty look she gave Monroe, she thought there was a whole lot more going on between us.
“Yeah,” I answered, a little pissed at her attitude. “What else would she be?”
Monroe muttered something under her breath, and I guess I was glad I didn’t hear it, because I had the feeling it wasn’t nice. “I’ll be waiting over there,” she pointed toward a tired-looking lounge just past the nurse’s station. “You know, when you need your ride home.”
Shit. She was pissed too. Seemed as if I was on a roll.
“Monroe,” I said softly.
“Forget it, Nathan. Go and do whatever it is you need to do, but I’m not sticking around all night.”
I watched her cross over to the lounge. Watched her sit on the sofa, a faded brown one that looked like it was leather but I knew was cold, slippery vinyl. She ignored me, grabbed a magazine, and turned the other way, making me feel like an even bigger shit.
“Are you coming?” Taylor grabbed my arm. “They’ll be back soon, and if you get caught, my ass will be toast, and I don’t even want to know what he’ll do to yours.”
Taylor led me down the hall even though she didn’t need to. I remembered the way. I saw it in my nightmares.
He was still in the same room, and as we walked by the nurse’s station, Taylor waved to them, which was a good thing, because I was pretty sure they wouldn’t let me in on my own.
When we reached 514, Taylor paused and shoved her hands into the front pockets of her jeans. She looked tired, and the heavy black crap she put around her eyes didn’t do much to help. A year younger than Trevor and I, she was like a kid sister to me.
“I’ll let you,” she mumbled and glanced down the hall before clearing her throat, “have some time.”
I followed her gaze and caught Monroe looking our way. She stared at me for a few seconds and then flicked open her magazine again and disappeared behind it.
“Taylor, thanks.”
When she looked back to me, her brown eyes were filled with tears, and something inside me broke. I did this to her. I thought of her family. I did this to all of them.
“You don’t have long. They went for dinner at the Warehouse, and their reservation was for seven.” She cleared her throat. “It’s seven-thirty now, so that gives you about an hour before Mom and Dad will be back, ’cuz you know, we live at the freaking hospital now, so…”
“Thanks,” I said quietly.
She didn’t say anything. She just turned and leaned against the wall, her raccoon eyes closed, her breathing heavy.
The door slid open and I slipped inside, exhaling through my mouth because I hated the smell so much. The sick, stale, antiseptic smell that Trevor and his family lived with every single damn day.
The lights were low, and I turned toward the bed. Toward the machines and tubes and IV. Toward the big gray one that forced air into Trevor’s lungs and then sucked it back out. The one that allowed him to breathe. The one that allowed him to live.
I swallowed hard and stared at the machine that allowed Trevor to exist in some weird, in-between place. I wondered if he knew I was there. Was he hanging out, levitating below the ceiling, staring down at the idiot who had put him here?
Carefully I made my way over to him, one foot in front of the other as if I was creeping across the foyer in my house after a night of partying.
It was stupid, really. What was I afraid of? That Trevor would wake up? No, that’s what we all wanted. It was the stuff that came after that had me tied up in knots.
What if he told me to go screw myself and never come back? What if he told me that he hated me?
Or even worse, what if he woke up and couldn’t say the things I knew were inside his head?
I paused at the edge of his bed. I took a moment to just look down at my best friend, and what I saw made my gut churn. It churned so badly that for a second I thought I was going to be sick, and it took everything I had to push the nausea away.
He’d lost a lot of weight and his hair was still shaved from when they’d cut into his skull to relieve the pressure because his brain had swelled a few days after the accident.
Funny thing was? Take away the tubes and shit and he kinda looked badass.
“Jesus, Trevor,” I whispered.
A shiver rolled over me, and I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to find some heat. “Dude, you gotta wake up.”
I leaned forward and touched his hand. It was cold, his skin almost papery and too soft for a guy. Even the colors in his wristband tattoo seemed faded and lost. The one on his shoulder? The tattoo that matched mine? I couldn’t look at it.
Courage. Protection. That’s the Celtic meaning behind the ink and obviously it was all a bunch of crap.
I stared down at my best friend and I wanted to cry like a baby. If he was here right now—really here—he’d headlock me, knock me on the chin, and call me a pussy. He’d say something stupid like, “It’s better to live fast and die young, asshole.”
“I wish it had been me,” I whispered hoarsely, wiping at my eyes angrily as I stood back and shoved my hands into my pockets.
I’m not sure how long I stood there like a stalker, just staring down at him, but I was surprised when Taylor yanked on my arm. Hard.
“Hey,” I snapped, but my voice died when I caught sight of her eyes.
“You gotta get out of here. Mom texted from the lobby and they’re on their way. Someone screwed up their reservations and they got sick of waiting, so they grabbed pizza or something.” Taylor was frantic, and I knew how much of a line she’d crossed by letting me in to see her brother. “You gotta go, like, yesterday, Nate. I’m serious. I don’t know what Dad will do if…”
“Shit.” I glanced back at Trevor and then followed Taylor out of the room.
“Take the stairs, Nathan.”
“I can’t leave without Monroe.” I paused near the nurse’s station, trying to get Monroe’s attention, but her head was still buried in her magazine.
“Oh my God, Nate. Forget about her. I’ll tell her you had to leave and you can hook up with her later.” She pushed me toward the stairs. “My dad will kill—”
“Nathan Everets.”
I stared into Taylor’s eyes, feeling the world slide away at the sound of her father’s voice.
“I’m sorry,” she mouthed, her eyes huge with worry as she glanced behind me at her parents.
You know that moment when your world is about to implode? That moment where you have to face a truth so hard you know it will knock you on your ass and you feel sick inside?
Yeah, I’m there right now, and as I turned back, it was all I could do to meet Mike Lewis’s eyes. He used to like me. A lot. Hell, I spent more time at the Lewis place than my own, because Mike loved music as much as me and Trevor did, and he let us play as long and as loud as we wanted to.
Or I had. Past tense.
God, everything was so screwed up.
Trevor’s dad is built like a Mack truck. He’s six foot six with broad shoulders and arms that are covered in tattoos. His thick neck and square jaw are intimidating, but then so are the shaved head and bulging biceps.
A sob sounded just behind him and I felt sick all over again at the sad, forlorn look in Trevor’s mom’s eyes. Brenda Lewis was about the same age as my mom, but she looked at least ten years older now.
I guess not knowing if your kid is going to live will do that to you.
“I told you never to show your face here again,” Mike said slowly, carefully, as if he was talking to an idiot. Which I guess he was.
He took a step toward me, and every muscle in my body ached with tension. My hands clenched and my chest tightened, and for one crazy second, I wished he would just throw a punch. Just one, because I needed to hurt more than I already did.
“Dad, leave him alone. He just wanted to see Trevor.” Taylor tried to play nice, but her father wasn’t having any of it. His eyes narrowed as they left me and moved to his daughter.
“You stay out of this. I’ll deal with you at home.” Mike’s anger was so thick and strong, I swear you could see it in the air.
And I was choking on it. God, was I choking on it.
“Sir,” I began, desperate to help, to do something, anything to defuse the situation. “This isn’t Taylor’s fault.”
“I know,” he said slowly, the veins in his neck corded and sticking out like something bad was filling them up. Hatred, most likely.
“This is your fault, Nathan. All of it.” He pointed down the hall. “The fact that my boy is in there, lying in a coma, fighting for his life, that’s on you.” He sucked in a huge breath like he was about to dive underwater. “The fact that they had to cut into his skull so he didn’t die, that is on you.”
“Mike,” Brenda said softly.
I was aware that everyone was watching. The nurses. The patients. The doctors. The man in his bright pink pajamas over by the elevators. It seemed as if everyone had stopped doing whatever it was they’d been doing and all eyes were on me.
“I’m not going to tear him apart, honey,” Mike replied. “Even though I want to. But I’m telling you this now, man-to-man. I don’t want to ever see you here again, got that? You nearly killed my son, and as far as I’m concerned, your ass should be in jail. We all know the only reason you’re not riding a bench in juvie is because your daddy’s got the mayor’s ear and your uncle is an auxiliary officer in the sheriff’s department.”
“Sir…if I could trade places with Trevor, I would.” The words tumbled from my mouth and I stepped forward.
He shook his head—a warning—and I stopped.
“I trusted you, Nathan. You were the responsible one, and maybe I was wrong to do that, but…I did, and I can’t have you here right now because I can’t control the anger I feel. Trevor’s fighting for his life because of you.”
His words ripped into me like a knife through bone. Every single one of them hurt.
Mike slipped his hands around his wife and hugged her, motioning for Taylor to join them. “Maybe I’m wrong to put this all on you but I can’t help it. It’s the way I feel and as much as the sight of you makes me sick.” His voice was hoarse and he pointed down the hall. “What you saw in there? My son hooked up to a bunch of machines and tubes? That isn’t something I’d wish on anyone, not even if they deserved it.”
Mr. Lewis turned away from me, but he paused before heading back to Trevor’s room. “I’m going to let this one slide, but if I see you up here again, I won’t be so accommodating.”
Taylor joined her parents, and I watched until they disappeared into Trevor’s room. Suddenly my insides twisted so much that I bent over, hands on my knees, eyes closed. If I didn’t get my shit together, I was going to be sick or I was gonna pass out.
A minute passed. Maybe more. And when I finally opened my eyes again, I saw mint-green toes.
“Okay, you win.”
Slowly I straightened, my stomach recoiling but strong enough that I knew I wasn’t going to puke. “Yeah?”
Monroe nodded and grabbed my hand, forcing me toward the elevators.
“Yep,” she said as she pressed the lobby button. “You’re officially the most pathetic person I know.”
“Great. Thanks for that,” I retorted sarcastically. Who the heck was she to talk like she knew what I was going through? As if she knew what it felt like to nearly die from regret and remorse and guilt?
“Just so you know, all it takes is one mistake to claim the crown, so watch out,” I snapped.
The doors slid open and we stepped inside. Once they were closed, Monroe glanced up at me, her eyes huge and glassy. Her chest rose and fell, her lips were parted, and I smelled that summer scent again.
She held my gaze until the elevator doors slid open again and then she whispered, so softly that I barely heard, “At least your mistake is still alive.”