When Natalya left her flat to see Louise, she saw the man behind the desk look at his watch as she went by. The time she left would be recorded.
Anxiety walked with her through the dark streets. She went through the checklist of what to do to keep above suspicion. She had told Fanya where she was going. She had been clocked out and would be clocked back in. She was on assignment from Sokolov to pump the wife of the American military attaché for information. The visit would be totally appropriate and explainable. The greater source of her anxiety, however, was that she was thinking thoughts that would immediately put her under suspicion if they were public. She was desperately thinking of and then rejecting contingency plans to save her children.
One major problem with all the plans was that if she acted now, whether it was grabbing the children and running for Sweden or having sex with Sokolov, she would be acting on nothing more than an unsubstantiated fear that the MGB would kill Mikhail if he lost the race. If Mikhail won the race, any preemptive action of hers would have been a foolish choice, with terrible consequences for all of them. If, however, Mikhail lost, and she hadn’t played Sokolov’s game, she would lose Mikhail.
She needed to see Louise because she needed to talk to a friend, freely and without fear—and without Fanya eavesdropping. She needed to talk about her dilemma. However, she knew that Sokolov must have bugged Louise and Arnie’s apartment. She was sure that Sokolov had set her up to tell Louise about the family leaving the apartment vacant. Ahh yes. Comrade Sokolov. Ever helpful—ever hopeful. He’d probably ordered the family home to free the space. On the other hand, Sokolov was just self-centered enough to think that finding the apartment was enough to get into Louise’s good graces, and he hadn’t bugged the apartment. He would certainly be attracted to Louise and her wholesome looks, not to mention an equally wholesome figure. Surely, Sokolov wasn’t fool enough to think Louise would let him sleep with her because he helped her find an apartment? Louise would be grateful for his help but not that grateful. Sokolov probably dwelled in a hazy unconscious fantasy of eventual sexual fulfillment with most beautiful women he met. With her, however, if she was going to save Mikhail, Sokolov’s fantasy would become reality. But, what if Mikhail won and none of this needed to happen? What if Sokolov was leading her on? She was in a turmoil of indecision and needed to talk it out with a friend. But who could she trust when she lived in a system based on lack of trust and in which lies were accepted as fact? To trust was to risk. She decided to take the risk.
When Louise responded to the knock on her door, she was delighted to see Natalya had stopped by unannounced. It was what friends did at home. However, when Natalya started taking off her first layer of clothes, she jerked at the buttons, unlike her usual careful and measured way of moving. Louise could see that she was upset about something.
“So, how was your day? Did you stop by the orphanage?” Natalya asked, once she’d sat down. She was trying to signal Louise by cupping her ear and looking around the room in an exaggerated manner. Louise immediately caught on. She quietly showed Natalya the hidden microphone as she was answering her. Then, chattering about her day, she handed Natalya a piece of paper and her pen, the Reynolds Rocket ballpoint Arnie had bought for her birthday. Natalya held the ballpoint up and raised her eyebrows. Realizing that they probably didn’t have anything like it in Russia, Louise felt an unexpected pride in American enterprise.
Natalya had scratched out, Did Pietari agree to look?
Louise took the paper and pencil and wrote, He and friends probably already in Kuopio.
She watched as Natalya’s face moved from long-accustomed stoicism upon being shown the hidden microphone to hope at the news that Pietari and his friends were looking.
“Do you want to go over to the orphanage and see how much money’s come in?” Louise asked, putting her finger on her lips. “Kaarina always has pulla and something hot to drink.” She was writing, Careful, being watched on the paper.
“Well, OK,” Natalya said, nodding that she understood. She then wrote, Must go orphanage. Confirm this conversation real and innocent.
Louise understood and nodded agreement.
When they left the building, Natalya glanced around and immediately spotted the man across the street. When Louise joined her, Natalya linked arms with her and whispered, “So, is it your Central Intelligence Group that is monitoring you and Arnie?” She needed to appear innocent but knew the man was more likely Sokolov’s.
“Heavens, no,” Louise said, looking down at the sidewalk as they walked along. “The US government would never spy on its own citizens. It’s your people, the MGB. I’m sure one of them is across the street.” She stopped talking. Natalya didn’t look behind them. “Arnie was so angry with me for accepting Sokolov’s help,” Louise started up again. “He suspected why and found the bug.”
“And left it, so you could pass false information,” Natalya whispered.
Louise’s stomach dropped. Her hand went to her mouth. Oh, my God. Why hadn’t she been cagey and told Natalya it was the US Central Intelligence Group? Now, Natalya could tell her people that Arnie and Louise knew about the bug, nullifying Arnie’s false information.
She watched Natalya’s stoicism replaced by a flash of quickly controlled anger. “First you endanger my family with your stupid attempt to publicize the race,” Natalya said. “And now you put me in the position of having to betray you and what I thought was a friendship by telling Sokolov that you know about the listening device. Or I can betray my country by not reporting it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry!” Natalya stopped walking. She looked up at the dark sky. “Sorry,” she muttered. She let out a long wail, then reached up and started yanking her hair, bawling, “Sorry? Sorry?”
Louise was stunned. She reached out to touch Natalya. Natalya jerked away. Louise could see Natalya’s face was mottled even in the darkness of the deserted street. “I can’t do it anymore! I can’t do it. I can’t talk to Fanya. I can’t talk to Mikhail. I can’t talk to you. I can’t talk. I can’t talk!” Her voice had been rising in intensity. She now dropped her voice. “Because he is behind us, I can’t even scream.” She subsided into choked quiet sobs.
Without thinking, Louise grabbed her, hugging her close.
The two women clung to each other separated by their heavy coats, forming a single dark lump on the cold street.
Natalya regained control and Louise relaxed her hug. “You can talk to me,” Louise said gently.
Natalya took two deep breaths. Then she said, “Big hat from Moscow. Really big hat. He and Sokolov met with local intelligence officers. There were clippings from Western newspapers about the race.”
Louise started to say “I’m sorry” but caught herself. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say nothing,” Natalya answered. “I’m not making sense.”
“But you are. You’re making perfect sense.”
Natalya gave a brief sarcastic laugh. “What logic system do you use in Oklahoma.”
Louise looked her in the eye. “The logic that you’re scared because you might lose the man you love, your children might be taken away, and angry because your stupid American friend caused all this and doesn’t have a clue about what you’re facing. It doesn’t matter what the words say. I understand.”
They walked alongside each other in silence for some time. Louise once glanced back to see if they were still being followed. They were.
Louise said quietly, “I’m so stupid. Can you forgive me?”
Natalya stopped. “You’re not stupid,” she said. “And you know it.” She smiled weakly. “Trusting and naïve, I can make a case for.”
Louise shook her head, smiling.
Natalya hesitated. Then she said, “Sokolov wants me to believe he will protect Mikhail if I sleep with him. I don’t know what to do.”
Louise stopped walking. “Oh, Natalya! That slimy bastard. Don’t do it. We’ll find Arnie and I just know he’ll throw the race if he’s ahead.”
Natalya didn’t respond.
“You’re not going to do it, are you? Suppose you do and then we reach Arnie?”
“You think I’ve not thought about that?”
“But, even if you do, there’s no guarantee that Sokolov will deliver.”
“That is indeed the risk.” Natalya was stating the obvious and delivered it that way.
Louise looked into Natalya’s eyes. She saw the sadness of a thousand years of the suffering of the Russian people.
“But would you not take that gamble for Arnie?” Natalya asked.
The thought flashed through her mind that because she’d been the cause of all this mess maybe she should offer herself to Sokolov in Natalya’s place. The thought was replaced by repulsion. She could never do it. Not for Mikhail, not for Natalya, not for their children. She realized that she simply did not have the courage. She didn’t even know if she’d do it for Arnie until she was confronted with it. And yet, here was her friend, confronted with it. She was in awe of what Natalya was willing to do to protect her family and loved her for it.
“Can’t you at least switch things around? Promise him sex after Mikhail is safe. Keep him on the hook, but don’t go all the way.”
“Can’t you just say ‘fuck him’?” Natalya said harshly. “That’s what it is.”
“I don’t like to use that word,” Louise said quietly.
The two walked on in silence for about a block.
“I know,” Natalya said. After more silence, Natalya said, “The other problem with you Americans,” she was smiling gently, “is that you’re still Puritans.”
Louise had no rejoinder, but she smiled. Both women looked ahead into the darkness.
They passed under a streetlight and Natalya turned to look at Louise. Natalya’s eyes had changed. They now showed a thousand years of Russian resolve. “I ate rats to survive the siege of Leningrad,” Natalya said. “I can certainly fuck one to save my family.”