(What You Really, Really Want!)
If you read this book and put it down with only one take-home message, let that message be: Communication Is Key.
Vulvas were not built as one size fits all. Most people are often in the midst of trying to figure out what their own body likes and doesn’t like, and what their own needs are. It gets more complicated because most female bodies change based on stress, the menstrual cycle, or other random things. Something that your body may love one day may feel icky a week later. Bodies are hard to figure out, even our own, yet we assume that our partners will magically be able to figure out what we like at a moment’s notice.
We are responsible for giving (and receiving) feedback. When something feels good, you should let your partner know. If something doesn’t feel so great, it’s up to you to tell your partner that it might not be the right thing for you. Not only do you have to be willing to communicate things that are relevant to your body, but you also have to be willing to solicit feedback from your partner.
Communicating doesn’t have to involve hours of conversation, contracts, and paperwork. Nor should it be a one-time thing (unless it’s a one-time fling). Even if you’re just hooking up in a club bathroom, you can still communicate. It’s still communication, even though it’s quick. If you’re in a longer-term relationship, then you should be constantly communicating. If you work communication into your regular interactions, there’s a lot less pressure and stress to “fix” something right away.
Keep in mind that communication doesn’t always have to be direct verbal contact. Figure out which types of communication work best for you and which work for your partner. It’s possible that one of you needs the most direct communication possible. It’s equally possible that one of you might prefer certain levels of gasping and groaning, or pulling hair, pinching nipples, or placing your partner’s hand on top of your own to guide you to the right areas and amounts of pressure.
Some of us might have hang-ups from previous people we dated; former relationships and ex-partners can definitely influence our communication style. Keep working at it; it takes two to tango, and also at least two to communicate. Remember that the way you like to be communicated with might not be the same way that your partner wants to receive communication.