I used to think
that if I loved hard
enough and long enough
passion would always win out
like the way I loved
cologne, venturing teenaged into
congested malls, abusing testers
only a salesperson surly enough
inquiring if he or she could help
me in any way, spitting
the prices of even the smallest
bottles of the scents I had
slathered on, forcing me out
in a cloud of confidence
that I was the Calvin Klein
Man, not the Old Spice
Man, not the Zest
Man, and certainly not
the My Drafty House is Warmed Badly
by Kerosene Heaters Man
impervious to my real
life where I would sneak
down in the middle
of the night, passing
snow collecting
on the inside of the window
sill, trying to descend
the stairs silently
to complete the night lying
before the stove’s vents blowing
sooty warm air deep into my
sleeping lungs, clutching
a broken lacrosse stick
to intimidate rats so brazen
our housecats accepted
them as equal occupants
until I exit those automatic
doors, leave fountains where
just out of range I envy white
families tossing entire
cigarettes packs’ worth
of what they call spare
change, wishing for things
they could already buy if they wanted
laughing as those presidential
faces fall sometimes up
and sometimes down, all drowning
in three inches of chlorinated well water
return to the reservation
where my sister-
in-law embraces me later
the same day, drawing
deeply, saying she loves
the scent of burned heating
oil on men, that it reminds
her of when she and my brother
dated and she would hold
him long in those last moments
before allowing him to walk out
her door, meander through snowy
grooves, finding his way home
while she looked out windows
where ice crystals gathered
on the proper side of the pane
holding her breath as long as she
dared, letting his presence seep
out only when she could no longer
bear, leaving him to be a vapor ghost
on her window, a fog sure
to vanish even before she turned
from the window and here I am
years later, living in that same
state, you miles away and I
knowing how presence disperses
into air, wonder how long
I can hold my breath.