New Year’s Eve 2021
Alice
‘Robbie …’ Alice broke off from wiping the beer pumps, and turned to scrutinise her son. ‘Have you been crying, sweetheart?’
He avoided her gaze, hoisting a keg of mulled wine onto the bar top. She could see his profile, the tell-tale pinkness around his eyes. Why hadn’t she noticed until now? Distracted by Leo’s mood, she clearly hadn’t paid enough attention to her own son when he’d arrived some fifteen minutes later.
‘Is this where Chrissy wants it?’ he asked, gesturing at the keg.
‘Think so,’ Alice said distractedly. ‘Thanks for your help, love.’
‘Well, Leo seems to have checked out,’ he mumbled.
Alice glanced towards the stairs to the flat. Leo had been up there for nearly an hour now. Chrissy had gone to talk to him and hadn’t reappeared either, as if the Raven had its own Bermuda Triangle. ‘At this rate, it’ll be you and me running the show,’ she said, smiling at Robbie.
‘Which will be bad news because you’re awful at pouring pints.’
‘Hey!’ She mimed cuffing him around the head, and used the chance to stand a little nearer, letting her hand drop onto his arm. His hoody smelt sweet and musty, as if he’d taken a nap in it, or worn it one day too many. ‘Did you and Leo have an argument?’
He sighed. ‘Not really.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘You know how touchy he can be.’
‘So you did have an argument?’
‘No.’ He backed away from her with a soft groan. ‘I just …’ Anguish flashed in his eyes, and Alice felt a wave of sympathy: it wasn’t easy for him, being best mates with Leo. His moods were so up and down, and Robbie was a sponge for them, always had been. ‘We were working on a song, and I made, like, a comment about one of his lyrics …’
‘What lyric? What comment?’
‘It doesn’t matter.’ He threw up his hands. ‘It was … nothing. He writes some dark shit sometimes and he doesn’t like it when I …’ He paused, then shook his head. ‘He acts like he’s the only one with problems.’
‘He has been through a lot, Robs.’
Robbie heaved another sigh, and Alice knew it was the wrong thing to say. He got tired of being the ‘together’ one, sometimes. Tired of everybody making allowances for Leo while having sky-high expectations of him. She followed as he stalked to the other end of the bar and flung open the fridge. He stared into it, cold spooling out, and she recognised the pulse in his cheek: he was fighting tears again.
‘Sorry, Robs,’ she said softly. ‘Please tell me what’s bothering you? It’s not just Leo, is it?’
He stayed silent. She could see his cheek drawn inwards now, as if he was biting the inside. Gently, she prised his hand off the fridge door and closed it, shutting off the stream of chilled air.
Robbie sniffed. ‘I called him,’ he finally confessed.
‘Who?’
‘Dad.’
‘Oh.’ Alice closed her eyes, cursing Mike for the millionth time.
Robbie turned and leaned his back against the fridge, all long limbs and sagging shoulders. ‘Thought I’d wish him a happy new year in advance. Since he didn’t bother calling at Christmas. Thought I’d at least try …’
Alice already knew the end of this story. Bloody Mike. It was an infuriating catch-22 that she couldn’t curse the guy completely, couldn’t wish she’d never got talking to him in a Pizza Express on a rainy research trip to Oxford. Because that unexpected night had given her Robbie. And it wasn’t as if she wished they’d got together, become a family. Mike was never supposed to be anything more than a fling. She just wished he’d show some interest in his son, for Robbie’s sake alone.
‘He didn’t want to know. Said they had a flight to catch, Tenerife or something, and he wished he could chat but they were in a rush, bla bla bla …’
‘Oh, Robbie.’ She put her hands on each of his cheeks, leaned her forehead into his. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Why do I bother?’
‘Because you’re wonderful.’
‘He’s never given a shit, not since the day I was born. So why do I keep thinking he might?’
‘Because—’
A door swung open and footsteps sounded from the stairs. They turned as Chrissy appeared, her face pinched with worry, tugging her fingers through the giant tangles in her hair.
‘Sorry about that,’ she said, mustering a thin smile. ‘Thanks so much for holding the fort, both of you.’ She checked her watch, which seemed to sink into her wrist where flushed skin had swelled around it. ‘Better open the doors in a minute.’
‘Everything okay?’ Alice asked, gesturing upwards.
Chrissy’s smile twitched. ‘All good. He’ll be down in a sec.’
Alice glanced at Robbie and caught him rolling his eyes. He and Leo would patch things up quickly, though, she was sure. Once everyone was here, once the drinks and the music were flowing. It was his hurt over his dad’s indifference – lifelong indifference – that worried her more. The older Robbie got, the more she realised how deep it ran.
‘This season can be hard,’ she said, to neither of them in particular. ‘Especially for people whose families are non—’
‘Alright, Mum,’ Robbie cut her off. ‘We’re here to get pissed, not write a paper.’ But he was smirking now, his eyes dry. She went over and hugged him, pressing her face into his musty top.
‘Mum …’ he said, the note of a question in his voice.
‘Yes?’
He paused. His chin rested on her head and she felt his jaw moving slightly against her skull.
‘What?’ she said, looking up towards him.
He looked back at her, his face serious, then shook his head and stepped away. ‘Nothing,’ he said, before walking off, murmuring something about needing the toilet.
Alice smoothed her ruffled hair, frowning after him. As she turned, trying to remember what she’d been doing before, she jumped to see Chrissy watching her intently. Something in her expression made the coolness return to her skin, as if the fridge had swung back open.
‘Can we just knock it on the head tonight, Alice?’ Chrissy said, her voice strangely clipped.
Alice blinked. ‘What?’
‘All the references to the past. Our “problems”. Please, can you just stop bringing it up?’
‘I didn’t mean—’
‘And that goes for Robbie, too, okay? I don’t know what you’ve said to him but he’s been making comments to Leo …’
‘I haven’t said anything!’
Chrissy fell silent, staring into space.
‘Chris,’ Alice said. ‘I didn’t mean to be insensitive. But to not talk about it all—’
‘Let’s just stick to what we agreed, okay?’
Alice bit her lip, confused, stung, but not wanting an argument, not tonight. Chrissy strode away and Alice heard the slide of bolts, followed by a cheer as the first New Year’s Eve drinkers tumbled in.
She straightened her dress and clasped her locket, picturing the dimpled baby Robbie inside. Her favourite night of the year, and everything felt off-kilter. Beyond the growing sea of heads, she caught sight of Leo coming down the stairs, at last, looking smart in a white shirt and vintage jeans, but with shadows under his eyes like deep black holes. Alice tried to smile at him, but a shiver rippled through her. Punters surged towards the bar, seeming to leer now rather than laugh, and the waft of outside air painted goosebumps all over her skin.