Ailee
Ailee sagged back against the wall of the office as Fergus left the room. And it felt as if he took all of the air with him.
Everything she’d tried to prevent since Singapore had happened anyway. Fergus had been hurt by her lack of disclosure, they’d still fallen deeply for each other and now he was frightened for her. Would be frightened for Simone as soon as he had time to think about it. She’d seen it in his eyes. Had wanted to comfort him.
Until he’d said William needed a new psychological assessment. And yes, she’d been silly to rear up at that. Talk about an emotional morning. Fergus was the lead surgeon and had full rights to ask for any test he wanted.
But that didn’t change the fact Fergus had found out in the worst possible way and now he was angry with her. But despite everything, she knew he wouldn’t take it out on William. That thought was just as unfair as this whole situation was to both of them. She’d seen what a fine human being he was. How much he cared for his patients. She shook her head. No.
He wouldn’t.
Ailee walked out of the office and straight into Rita.
Rita took one look at her and glanced around to see if anyone else had noticed Ailee’s pallor. ‘You okay, kiddo?’
‘I’m fine.’ Such a trite word and so untrue.
‘So he wasn’t thrilled to find you were the donor?’
How much did Rita guess? ‘I think he’s just disappointed I didn’t tell him beforehand, seeing as I work here and everyone else knew.’
‘Disappointment?’ Rita snorted. ‘Is that what it was?’
‘He does have a point, given our working relationship.’ And our private one.
Rita didn’t look convinced by her lame attempt at an explanation but she didn’t labour the point. ‘What time is your appointment with the Ellises?’
Ailee looked at her watch. ‘Another half-hour, but before then I need to check on one last recipient. Oh, and Rita, we need to arrange another psychological and psychiatric assessment of William on Mr McVicker’s orders.’
‘I’ll do that.’
Rita didn’t seem to think it unusual that Fergus had requested a repeat assessment. Maybe she was being paranoid.
She heard herself say “Mr McVicker” when she thought of him as Fergus and that sounded strange, too. It wasn’t the only thing weird about her relationship with Fergus but one of many.
She didn’t have time or the headspace to worry about it. Separating workspace and personal issues was important, if difficult, given how the boundaries had been crossed with William/her operations even without the developing relationship (if that’s what it was) with Fergus. She’d find out where she stood soon enough. Five o’clock, to be exact.
‘If you hear any more about Jody, let me know, will you?’ Ailee glanced at her watch again. It was time she headed back to her office. Her problems were nothing compared to those of the couple she was about to see.
The Ellises looked worn down by grief, and Ailee hugged them both before directing them to the two chairs in front of her desk. ‘Thank you so much for coming.’
With a heavy sigh, Marion sat. ‘I know you said you’d come to us, Ailee, but we needed to get out. This visit gave us some purpose today.’
Mr Ellis rubbed his hand over his lips back and forward. Back and forward, as he sat beside his wife. Ailee could see the skin had peeled with his actions. ‘We’re finding it hard to start the day at the moment. Everyone tells us that in time we’ll remember more good times, but we’re not there yet.’
Ailee felt helpless in the face of their grief. There was so little she could do to ease their pain. ‘Nobody expects you to be able to function normally.’
Marion said, ‘We don’t even have an idea what normal is anymore.’
‘No. I’m so sorry.’ Ailee shuffled the papers in her hand. ‘Would you like to know about the recipients? I do have three letters here from the families of recipients whose lives have been changed. Please, don’t read them until you feel you’re able to.’
Marion looked at her husband and then back at Ailee and nodded. ‘Tell us a little if you can, please, Ailee. We’ll read them later.’
‘I can tell you that Eva has saved the life of a fifteen- year-old-girl with cystic fibrosis. This young woman would have died within the next week or two if not for Eva. Her parents are beside themselves with joy that she will now get better.’
Marion smiled with great effort. ‘That is wonderful news. Isn’t it, John?’
John nodded, unable to speak, and reached into his pocket for his handkerchief.
Marion sniffed and lifted her chin a little higher. ‘Is there more you can tell us?’
‘One of Eva’s kidneys and her pancreas went to a twenty-two-year-old woman in Melbourne who is studying to be a doctor and had been sick for two years. She was also a diabetic, like the girl I told you about last week, so had the double transplant. She is doing so well she may go home at the end of next week. Hopefully Eva’s gift will mean she will save more lives well into the future.’
They were all silent for a moment as they tried to envisage what it meant to the recipient.
Ailee went on because she decided it would be better to get it all over as soon as possible. ‘The other kidney went to a twenty-five-year-old man whose wife had died. He has two little boys, so the difference to that family is incredible.’
Marion looked at her husband. ‘Imagine if we hadn’t agreed and all that good was wasted.’
Mr Ellis nodded. His eyes red.
‘It’s such a hard and incredibly brave decision,’ Ailee said.
‘Are they the only ones?’ John had recovered his composure and was trying hard to support his wife.
‘There is one more. The other person is a thirty-year- old woman, struck down with keratoconus, which is an eye disease where the central cornea bulges forward and prevents light from being focused correctly into the eye.’
Ailee sketched a quick diagram of an eye to explain the problem. ‘The only substitute for replacing a human cornea is a human cornea.’ She looked up to see that they understood.
‘This lady has been blind for eighteen months, lost her job and struggled to look after herself, and now, thanks to Eva, has had her sight restored and can lead a normal life.’
Ailee handed across an envelope. ‘All the information I can give you is on that sheet but I think it would be too much to take in now. Just know that you did the right thing and Eva has irrevocably touched these people’s lives and she will never, ever, be forgotten.’
‘And we can’t contact them, can we?’
‘No. I’m sorry.’ Ailee shook her head. ‘But I can send on any letters they or you want to send and there is an independent register you can leave your name with. Later, if any of the recipients want to contact you, they can register with them as well.’
‘We’ll think about it.’ John nodded and looked at Marion. ‘A few months down the track perhaps.’
‘Don’t rush anything.’ Ailee smiled gently. ‘You can ring me any time. If I’m not available, someone else will get back to you as soon as they can. I understand Eva’s funeral is tomorrow?’
‘That’s why we came back so fast.’ John cleared his throat. ‘We wanted to tell people about the families Eva’s request has helped. Maybe then even more people will agree to sign donor cards in the future.’
Marion added. ‘That way Eva’s legacy will continue to grow.’ Marion leant forward to lever herself up from her chair and her husband jumped up to help her.
Ailee stood as well. ‘That is a wonderful idea. I will be thinking of you all tomorrow.’
‘Thank you for your help, Ailee.’
Ailee touched their shoulders. ‘Thank you from everyone here. Me, Mr McVicker, all the staff and especially the people whose lives Eva has changed.’
Ailee watched them go and sighed. She remembered when her father had died suddenly and her family had gone through the shocking grief that surrounded the loss of a loved one.
The gathering of family, friends and even strangers had helped more than she’d believed possible. She hoped it would be that way for the Ellises tomorrow.
Her phone rang and it was a transplant co-ordinator from a southern Sydney hospital with a kidney available for one of her patients on the waiting list. Another tragedy much like the Ellises’. Ailee couldn’t help wincing, but it was another ray of hope for those in need.
Ailee looked up her records and dialled the number of the proposed recipient.
Thirty-eight-year-old Dan Chang had been on dialysis for three years while he’d waited for a kidney and he couldn’t believe it when Ailee phoned him with the news.
‘So I have to come in now?’ Dan’s voice betrayed his disbelief and growing excitement.
‘Yes, please, Dan. As soon as you can without getting a speeding ticket. You’re only about half an hour away. Don’t eat or drink anything and we’ll start workup as soon as you get here.’
‘I’m on my way. Wait till I tell my wife.’
Ailee smiled at the waves of exhilaration coming through the phone. ‘Just remember, sometimes things change. Don’t get over-excited until we can guarantee you’re going in.’
‘I’ll try not to, but it’s hard. See you soon.’
Ailee phoned Rita to prepare the ward first. Coward.
Rita was quick to answer and too soon there was Fergus to be notified. And the in-charge nurse in theatre. Fergus would ring the anaesthetists.
When her phone rang she knew it was Fergus answering his page, her throat closed, she couldn’t speak for a second as she gathered her thoughts.
‘Did you page me, Ailee?’
Ailee licked dry lips. ‘Yes. We have a donor kidney and match available for today. What time would you like theatre organised for?’
‘Make it two this afternoon. That should give the recipient time to fast and have the work-up. I’ll have my secretary reschedule the afternoon appointments in my rooms for later.’
Ailee hesitated and wondered if she, too, would get a reprieve.
Fergus must have read her mind. His voice dropped. ‘We do need to talk. But yes, I’ll be later than intended. May I pick you up from your place at eight? If I’m late, I’ll still be coming.’
Ailee swallowed. ‘We could put that off until tomorrow if that makes it easier for you.’
‘No,’ he said succinctly. ‘Anything else?’
Ailee pulled a face at the phone but her voice remained composed. ‘That’s all, thank you.’
‘I’ll see you tonight, then.’
The call ended and Ailee put her own phone down. Today was going to be another big day.
Ailee gathered the enormous amounts of paperwork needed for Dan Chang’s transplant operation and headed for the ward. She couldn’t help going over the conversation she’d just had with Fergus as she walked, and she reasoned that if he’d considered her planned operation an insurmountable problem he wouldn’t be in that much of a hurry to clear the air.
Maybe everything wasn’t as bad as she thought it was.
Fergus arrived at Ailee’s house at exactly eight p.m. Ailee knew because she’d been watching the clock for the last hour and she’d only just checked the time again.
‘I’m going out now, Mum,’ she called through to the sitting room where Helen sat watching television.
The doorbell rang before she could get to it and she muttered under her breath. She’d hoped to keep Fergus and her mother apart. Ailee opened the door before Fergus had finished ringing. ‘I’m ready. Let’s go.’
‘What’s your rush?’ He looked tall and gorgeous and totally in command and refused to move away from the door. ‘I’d like to meet your mother.’
Ailee glared at him, but she was really annoyed at herself for being so glad to see him standing there when she should be ushering him away at warp speed.
‘Who’s there, dear?’ Helen’s voice floated through to the front door.
Fergus just stared back with slightly raised eyebrows. ‘Don’t you think there have been enough secrets, Ailee?’ he said.
Ailee sighed and turned to call over her shoulder. ‘It’s Fergus McVicker.’ She resisted the urge to grit her teeth at Fergus. ‘Would you like to meet him?’
Helen appeared and Ailee moved back to allow Fergus to step into the tiled entry.
Fergus smiled warmly and held out his hand. ‘Hello, Mrs Green. I’m Fergus. I work with Ailee.’ He shook hands and Ailee’s mother blushed prettily.
‘Call me Helen. It’s lovely to finally meet you, Fergus. You’ve featured in a lot of our conversations this week.’
Fergus lifted his eyebrows and looked at Ailee. ‘Really?’
Helen nodded. ‘William is a constant concern at the moment, as you know.’
‘I understand that. He’s lucky to have such a supportive family.’ The words were sincere with no hidden meanings that she could hear. Had he come to peace with her decision already? Maybe she had worried too much.
Ailee glanced at her watch. ‘I won’t be long, Mum.’
Her mother leaned in and kissed her. ‘Take your time, honey. I’m off to bed now anyway.’ She smiled up at their visitor. ‘Nice to meet you, Fergus.’
He held out his hand and shook hers. ‘Good to meet you, too, Helen.’
Ailee watched her mother colour again and she sympathised. Fergus at his charming best was quite something to behold, but Ailee was learning to hide the effect.
Finally seated in the car, the silence pulled like a piece of toffee – stretching out until something felt like it would break. Ailee drew a breath to make her feelings known but he spoke first.
‘I have to call in at the hospital. Our new recipient is good, but I want to check Jody one more time tonight.’
The other young recipient had been at the back of Ailee’s mind all evening so she readily agreed. ‘Can I come up to the ward with you? Just to have a peek. I won’t go in and see her.’
He nodded with his eyes on the road. ‘I don’t have a problem with that.’
When they arrived at the hospital Ailee followed Fergus up to Intensive Care, where he gowned and gloved before entering the isolation room. Jody was being treated with huge doses of steroids and the strongest immunosuppressants to prevent her body rejecting the donor kidney, but it left Jody’s system easy prey to bacteria and viruses.
Ailee spoke to the registered nurse at the desk, one she’d known a long time, and watched Fergus through the glass as he spoke to Jody and the nurse specialling her.
Ailee inclined her head at the window. ‘So, she’s improving?’
The nurse touched her arm. ‘She’s looking better, Ailee. When he was here earlier, Mr McVicker seemed to think this acute rejection phase was settling. Her observations are stable and her counts are down.’
Ailee could see that Fergus was preparing to leave. ‘Fingers crossed. I’ll pop up and see her parents tomorrow.’
The nurse nodded. ‘So, what are you doing here after hours? Are you with Mr McVicker for fun, or are there more transplants on the cards?’
They both looked across at the other glassed-in room.
Ailee forced a smile. Frivolity was far from her mind. ‘Not for fun, but no more transplants tonight so far. How is our latest patient? Is Dan stable?’
‘Looking good. His wife’s a sweetie. They’re a lovely couple. New transplants are thrilling to watch for, and we’re all doing what we can to see the good result continues.’
‘I know you do. You’re all fabulous.’ Ailee nodded, aware that Fergus stood waiting for her. ‘Better go. Thanks for your help.’
Ailee crossed the room and hoped the nurse assumed they were there together on renal business because she wasn’t ready to be the subject of a gossip storm. She’d worked long enough in medicine to know how quickly relationship rumours spread.
‘Shall I take your arm?’ Fergus teased, well aware Ailee was trying to give the impression everything was businesslike between them.
‘No, thank you. I have to work here. You’ll be going back to your own hospital in a week or two.’
‘A good thing,’ Fergus said quietly.
Ailee looked across at him and tried to push down the unexpected hurt that statement caused.
They didn’t speak again until Fergus pulled up outside a trendy restaurant overlooking the moonlit beach at Coogie. ‘I thought a late supper would be in order as I haven’t eaten. You could have dessert if you’re not hungry.’
Ailee bit her lip. He’d been working non-stop. She hadn’t thought of that. ‘That would be lovely. Of course you have to eat. Now I feel guilty I didn’t offer you something when you came to pick me up.’
‘Guilt is good.’ He smiled and the wicked teasing in his eyes made her heart pitter patter too darned hard. The man was irresistible to her. Fergus held the door of the restaurant open for her.
Did this mean he wasn’t upset with her anymore?
Banter was good.
Flash restaurants were nice too. She could get used to waiters rushing to assist her. They were seated quickly at a reserved table and Ailee glanced around at the few couples still seated.
‘This is very stylish,’ Ailee said. ‘I was thinking you’d want somewhere more private to vent your feelings.’
‘I’m a very stylish guy,’ he mocked, ‘and if I took you back to my home, I wasn’t sure we’d get any talking done.’
Ailee willed the heat not to rise in her face but her cheeks burned. ‘It takes two.’
‘Absolutely,’ Fergus said, straight-faced, and caught the waiter’s eye to order. ‘Much more fun.’
Ailee chose a sorbet and Fergus a rare steak and salad and the food arrived in minutes. They discussed Jody’s stabilisation and Dan’s operation, and the rapport between them felt so robust and satisfying, and reminded her how good it was to have Fergus to bounce ideas off.
As soon as he’d finished eating, Fergus didn’t skirt the issue. They needed to tackle this head-on.
‘So what are we going to do about this deadly attraction between us?’
Ailee looked down at the remains of her melted into a mango puddle in the bottom of the glass dish sorbet. ‘Is the attraction deadly?’
Fergus waited patiently, not answering, until she was forced to look at him to break the silence. Only then did he say, ‘I admit to some brief homicidal thoughts when I discovered the tiny fact you hadn’t mentioned.’
Ailee lifted her chin. ‘You said any secret I had wouldn’t change the way you felt.’
‘And I meant it.’ He allowed his words to settle between them and sink in. Ailee felt the weight slide off her shoulders like a scarf onto the floor.
He changed tack. ‘Why was it so hard for you to tell me about William?’
She turned her head and stared out the window, beyond the dark night sand to the moonlight sparkling off the waves. Then back at him. Meeting his eyes. ‘I don’t entirely know, but meeting you threw my world into turmoil. I wasn’t thinking straight, I can see that now. You have that effect on me.’ She half laughed but without much amusement. Pulled her coffee cup closer.
‘And later?’
‘Then when you turned up at the hospital and I had no warning, I didn’t think at all.’
His eyes bored into hers. ‘Why didn’t you think I’d be there for you?’ She had his full attention.
Her shoulders creaked when she moved them in the tiny shrug. Her neck tight. She tried to remember all the reasons but it was so hard with him, so big, and gorgeous and looking at her with heat in his eyes despite this conversation. ‘The next few weeks of discomfort I’ll be unattractive company. I’ll have physical restrictions for the first few months and I guess I’ll have changes in body image to come to terms with, although they’re minor considerations.’
‘Not too minor when it’s your own body.’ His hand came over and brushed hers. Fleeting but as if he couldn’t help himself yet didn’t want to distract her from her thoughts. ‘Though, know that I will see you as completely beautiful through it all.’
Ailee’s breath caught with his gentle touch and his words. She glanced back at him, but he waved her on.
She took another breath and pushed forward. Glad to. ‘I won’t have time for distractions. William has to be watched closely and I’ll need to stay on standby until he’s right. I don’t want what happened to Emma to happen to William.
His brows lifted. ‘Not everyone has a sister who specialises in renal surgery and those recipients seem to survive. You haven’t convinced me.’
Perhaps. ‘Well, that full commitment to my family is no way to start a relationship with someone.’
He smiled. It was a little tight around the corners, but his eyes had softened more. ‘But we’re not starting are we. We’ve begun. I’m sure we’ll cope.’
Did that mean they were still on? She inhaled and of course his aftershave came with the scent of coffee and warm male. Her belly loosened a little. She did so want to be with this man. ‘All right, then. I didn’t presume that. Mostly I don’t think it’s fair to you and Simone. There are risks, not huge risks statistically, but risks nevertheless.’
She was glad to get this off her chest. ‘You’ve already told me how long it’s taken Simone to resume normal life after losing her mother. If she were to see me debilitated, it is likely I could bring all those painful memories back for her. I don’t want to cause her,’ she raised her eyes to him, ‘or you, pain.’
There. She’d said it. She blew out a breath and played with her coffee spoon.
Fergus took a few moments to reply and then he spoke slowly, as if being careful of what he said. ‘I can see that Simone’s distress is a distinct possibility and something I need to address. It was one of the first things I thought about when I finally found out William was your brother.’
He held her gaze. Not shirking the biggest point for him. ‘Simone is to be protected at all costs.’
Ailee agreed.
These were all reasons she should have stayed away from him in Singapore. Funny how the closer she became to Fergus the more obstacles she could see. And the more she desired him. All of him. The man.
‘Why didn’t you want me to meet your mother this evening?’ His question jolted her out of her meanderings, and she spoke without thought.
‘Simone isn’t the only one who needs protecting. My mother dreams of me settled with children and you’re any potential mother-in-law’s dream son-in-law.’
‘Touché.’
She saw Fergus acknowledge the hit and Ailee sighed and went on. ‘Why broadcast my somewhat tenuous relationship with you before William's operation? If Mum thought I was entering an affair, she would revisit the possible ramifications on my life, fertility, and health again. And again.’
‘I’m guessing she’s said so many times?’ When Ailee nodded Fergus pursed his lips. Such wonderful lips. ‘Your mother is entitled to her valid concerns.’
Ailee waved her hand. ‘You’re the last person I’d expect to be unenthusiastic about live donors.’ She speared him with a glance. ‘Do you have concerns?’
‘Honestly?’ He looked across at her and she saw the way his eyes softened. He did care. She suspected he cared a lot and the thought warmed her deep inside. But his answer here was important. ‘If I didn’t know you so well, the statistics tell me there’s very little to worry about, or about one in thirty thousand as in any operation. Knowing you doesn’t change that, but somehow it does.’
He glanced out the window and then back at Ailee. ‘I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. I’ve already lost someone dear to me from a much lower risk operation.’ He drew an audible breath before continuing. ‘But I can see you’re determined and I’ll be glad, as you will be, when it’s all over.’
He seemed to hesitate, as if unsure about voicing what was on his mind. ‘If the operation goes ahead, that is.’
Ailee felt so unutterably relieved to finally have her concerns out in the open that there was a delay before she comprehended his last sentence. He was watching her. She could feel it. AS if waiting. And then the words sank in.
Her gaze flew to his. ‘What do you mean, if the operation goes ahead? We’re booked in next week.’
Fergus spread his fingers on the table. ‘You haven’t seen the paperwork. William’s psychological assessment wasn’t good. I don’t know how everyone missed it, but William is exhibiting all the signs of denial and non-compliance.’
Ailee shook her head vehemently. ‘No, he’s not!’
Fergus’s voice softened but she heard the note of authority. ‘You know we have to be sure he’s not going to throw this chance away. To be reassured he won’t break the very stringent rules and medication regime post-operatively. We do him no favours if we allow him to waste this chance.’
‘I can’t believe what I’m hearing.’ She shook her head, hair swishing and irritating her face, cold in her throat where only moments ago there had been heat. Disbelief in her voice. ‘How dare you say William is non-compliant? He’s never missed a clinic or dialysis and Lord knows, it’s painful enough for him.’
Implacable Fergus stared back. ‘I’m responsible for the optimum outcome for my patients. Like hell I’ll waste your kidney if your brother isn’t going to value it as he should.’
Ailee thought her head would explode. ‘What?’ She hissed the word and heads turned.
His voice remained calm and quiet as if they were discussing nothing emotive. ‘William has been binge-drinking alcohol. Eating the wrong foods. His results confirm it. His fluid quota has been consistently over and his biochemistry is totally out of whack.’
Ailee felt as if someone had punched her chest. Her heart ached with horror. No. This wasn’t right. She shook her head slowly, then with more vigour. ‘No. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.’ She searched her memory and a few minor incidents gnawed at her confidence.
Fergus went on. Quietly. Like a rumbling bulldozer. ‘Don’t tell me that; take a look at his pathology results. You need to ask why he would jeopardise his transplant.’
Ailee shook her head again but fear was like a hard rock in her chest. ‘I do not, for a moment, believe this is true. But, if it were, what possible reason could he have?’
Fergus reached across to take her hand but she pulled her fingers out of his reach, unable to tolerate his sympathy, and the chasm, like a barren quarry between them, widened. Painfully. So many hard, rocky places in the road of this relationship.
Ailee went on without allowing Fergus to speak. ‘He has no reason to do that.’
‘He might.’ Fergus pulled his coffee-cup closer and added sugar very slowly as if to give her time to calm down. ‘I’m thinking guilt... or concern for you? Fears he can’t cope with? Dread of rejection and that your sacrifice would all be for nothing? There are a hundred issues more mature people than William can’t face. If he is too unwell for transplant, he doesn’t have to admit any of those fears.’
Ailee planted her hands on the table. ‘How long have you suspected this? Longer than today?’
His face didn’t change. ‘The tests were ordered last week, Ailee. What are you saying?’
She sniffed. ‘You tell me. Is your professional judgement clouded by other issues?’
Fergus sat back as if she’d slapped him. ‘You don’t believe that.’
‘No. I don’t. I’m sorry.’ Ailee covered her mouth with her hands and drew a deep breath before she spoke. ‘This is all my fault for becoming involved with you and not concentrating on William. I need to think. I need to talk to William. Take me home, please Fergus.’
‘As you wish.’ He signalled for the check. ‘William’s problems need discussion and I’m sorry to upset you. It’s a shock. But I am here for you, when you’re ready.’
The drive home was accomplished in silence and Ailee opened her own door before Fergus could get out. She didn’t think he was surprised.
‘Thank you,’ she said quietly.
‘For what?’
‘For agreeing to give me space.’ She shut the car door, walked up the front path and didn’t look back.
There wasn’t a lot she could do this late at night and she wasn’t going to think about Fergus. The hospital wouldn’t thank her for waking up William in the ward bed and she couldn’t share this with her mother.
Had William been drinking and consciously or subconsciously jeopardising his transplant chances? How had she missed that he was having second thoughts? Or maybe she did have suspicions and hadn’t moved on to the possible conclusions. Fergus had. That was his job. It was hers too, but it was harder when it was family. She needed to give herself that break.
To add to that, of course Fergus was seeing possibilities she’d brushed aside because he’d already lost one woman in surgery and he was terrified to lose another.
She knew she’d been unfair to Fergus, but this was all part of the reason she hadn’t wanted to get involved in the first place.
He’d clouded the issue and seduced her, though she’d been a very willing participant, and diluted her strength when she needed it most. She should have stayed away from him.
She’d been side-tracked but she’d change. She wouldn’t make the same mistake again. She needed to talk to her brother and sort this out.