21

I pushed my back against my apartment door. I shouldn’t have run up the stairs, but if I’d stayed down there, my head would have exploded. Please, God, don’t let anyone come up here now. I’ve got to sort this out. It was wonderful to have people who love me, but I needed to be alone. Too many impressions wheeled and tumbled for attention in my brain. I fell to my knees beside the bed and buried my head in the pillow.

Uncle Toppy married to Bailey’s mom? After only a few weeks? Faith or foolishness, I didn’t know which. Yet, he’d done it. Had I ever seen Toppy stand so tall, smile so big?

Bailey’s mom must have been pretty sure to take that plunge. Especially after the way Kevin Brown treated her. The finest of men, my uncle, I’d known him all my life. But how could Gwen know that after such a short amount of time?

Darryl Graham had a prison conversion? Could that even be real? It certainly sounded sincere. That kind of faith was easy, or was it?

For crying out loud, Phoebe Waverly. Was it faith or loneliness that gave her the courage to walk in where she might likely be rejected?

Bailey. As heartbreaking as it was that I couldn’t be with her, I had to admire how far she’d come. She stood so strong in her faith that I’d come around, yet she told me she’d be leaving today. Of course she should leave me.

I crawled up into my bed and covered up. Thoughts of my mother’s faith settled on me. Then Dad’s, in his hurt and physical challenges, insisting on getting up and getting dressed every day. Forging life ahead with his difficulty took great faith.

So where’s mine? This question wracked my soul until I finally fell asleep.

I woke up later to knocking on the door. I ignored it. Maybe they’ll go away.

“Scott, I know you’re in there. It’s Pastor Jack.”

“Coming.” I rolled out of bed, threw the covers in some semblance of order, and then opened the door.

“You all right, man?” Jack shook my hand.

“Full of dinner, I guess, and took a nap.” I motioned Jack to take a seat at my small kitchen table.

“Great food and fellowship. How ‘bout that uncle of yours? Snagged a beauty, looks like.” He snapped his fingers.

“She’s great. I’m happy for them.” I looked at the floor rather than the probing eyes of Pastor Jack.

“What’s going on with you, Scott?” Jack crossed one boot on his other knee and sat back as if he expected me to spill it all.

My heart said to tell him everything, but my head said otherwise.

“I’ve known you, Scott, since you were little. Might as well shoot straight with me. How about just jumpin’ off the bottom line and see where we land?” He clapped his hands once, then rubbed them together as if he was about to take on a bear.

“Bottom line is I don’t want to die and leave Bailey, or worse, have another heart attack and then have her have to take care of a sick man. Period.” I sat back and crossed my arms. Who could argue with that?

Jack shook his head. He blew a short breath and then pursed his lips. “Nope, that’s not the bottom line. You’re kiddin’ yourself. Try again.” He leaned toward me.

What did he know about it? “That’s it, Pastor Jack. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but I won’t do it to her. I won’t.”

“Oh, come on, buddy. That sounds all noble and heroic, but that’s not it. You’re scared. Period.” He reached across the table and laid his hand on my arm. “First your mom, then your dad. Your whole world came crashin’ down, yet you held it together. God brings you a gift so you don’t have to be alone, and you hold it at arm’s length. You’re afraid of bein’ left alone. You push her away because of fear for yourself.”

I balled my hand into a fist. “I can’t do this right now.” Please leave me alone.

“Why not? Haven’t you figured out through all this how quickly life passes by? Your uncle seems to understand that. He reached out in faith for love and he knows as well as anyone that we don’t know what tomorrow brings. The older we get, the word ‘now’ becomes very important.”

“That’s just it, where’s my faith? I can’t even pray anymore.” I bumped the table with my fist.

“I’d say faith’s something you have to practice. I think you’re being tested in areas where you trusted in yourself. Youth and strength made you feel invincible. It was easy to trust then. But when life happens with death and sickness, faith must grow to a whole new level. Remember the Father said, ‘I will never leave you or forsake you.’”

The words I’d heard in my sleep for weeks. I closed my eyes. “The dream.”

“What dream?” Jack asked.

“I keep having these two dreams. The first is Mom standing before me. She doesn’t speak, but I hear her voice saying those words. It makes no sense since she did leave, and so did Dad. I never thought of Jesus’ words from the Bible.

“Actually, God said that in several references. Deuteronomy and Hebrews. What Jesus actually said was “I am with you always. Present tense.”

I filled my lungs and slowly exhaled. Present tense.

“He’s with you now. So you can live now, love now, and trust Him for the future.”

“Why can’t I do that? Why can’t I trust Him?”

“Lots of reasons, I’m sure. Scott, your parents raised you in an almost idyllic spot, full of love and laughter. Look how you only wanted to stay here and work after you grew up. Then bam, it’s gone.”

I put my head in my hands. “It seemed that way. But I thought I had a handle on it. I took care of things.”

“Yeah, you took care of things, but you never grieved. You handled things and took care of everyone. It gave you something else to think about. You wouldn’t let anyone help you.”

“Then Bailey came.”

“A gift.” Jack rapped his knuckles on the table once.

“Bailey.” I squeezed my eyes with my thumb and forefinger.

Pastor Jack rapped his knuckles twice. “She’s a very understanding woman.”

“That and much, much more.” I laid my head down on the table. A dam welled up in my chest and broke.

Jack’s hand rested on my head. “Father,” Jack prayed. “I think Scott’s ready to give You his sorrow. Please let him know You’re here.”

A couple of knocks sounded at the door. Toppy slipped in.

I laid my head back down.

The waves crashing in my heart consumed me.

Toppy’s arm reach around me. “Come here, boy.” He embraced me.

I couldn’t control the shaking and tears. The harder I cried, the better I felt. The tightness in my chest eased.

Toppy held on until I pulled away.

My pastor still prayed.

Toppy went to the sink and ran water over a dishcloth and pressed it to my face.

Jack patted me on the back and shook my hand.

I put my arm around Jack and Toppy. “Thanks, guys.”

“It’s just a start, son. Let your loved ones be there for you.”

“Not the best time to mention this, maybe, but I heard Bailey say something about packing. Just sayin,’” Toppy said.

I sprinted out the door.

~*~

“Seems I found you like this once before,” I said. I’d never forget when she first came to Exit 477, and I found her crying out to God in this very spot.

Bailey knelt at a bench on the gazebo. She wiped her eyes and sat up on the bench. “Just...just saying goodbye.” She didn’t look at me but walked toward the steps.

I took a step toward her. “Bailey, wait.” I reached for her hand.

She put both hands behind her and stepped back.

“Is it too late? Have I lost you forever?” I placed my hands on her shoulders.

“What? I’m just doing what you asked. I’m leaving.” She wrenched from my grasp and pulled her sweater closed against the chill.

“I know, but please don’t go.” I held out both my hands.

She lifted her eyes to mine. She flinched.

“Yeah, I know. Red eyes and nose.”

“Scott.” She lifted her hands to my face and stroked my swollen eyes. She slipped her hand behind my head and pulled it to her shoulder.

I rested there a moment and then raised my head and looked at her. I brushed her lips with mine. “I’m so sorry. I love you. Please forgive me, give me another chance.” I pulled her over to the bench and sat beside her. I slid to my knees on the floor and laid my head in her lap. The waves crashed over me again.

She rubbed my shaking shoulders.