Wednesday, July 4
Everywhere
163 DAYS TO THE END OF THE WORLD
NEWSCASTER: Good evening, I’m Lisa Maxwell, and this is Channel 6 News in Milwaukee. In our top story tonight, Brett Osborne, the newly hired manager of the local ReBirth clinic, was arrested this evening after a domestic dispute with his wife, Diane. Osborne received a shipment of the so-called cloning lotion in his store, opened it early, and applied it to his wife without her consent. The police were called when the neighbors heard shouting and several loud crashes. Channel 6 reporter Carlos Lancaster is live on the scene—Carlos, can you tell us any more about what happened?
CARLOS: Yes, Lisa, I’m here at the Osborne home and as you can see, the police are still here, more than an hour after the call; the issue is turning out to be much murkier than anyone expected. We have two men here who’ve offered to talk to us: Officer Schwartz is in charge of the scene and Aaron Greer is a state attorney—they’ve actually brought an attorney to consult with the police, because this entire episode is so bizarre. Can you tell me, Officer Schwartz: this seems like a simple domestic call, so why all the confusion?
OFFICER: When we initially arrived, the first officers on the scene heard shouts and name-calling, things like that; they knocked on the door and saw the home in disarray. Several objects had been broken but no one seemed to be hurt. Our problem here is that the only crime that seems to have been committed is the original application of the lotion.
CARLOS: And putting lotion on someone would not normally be considered a crime.
OFFICER: Not normally, no, but because of the nature of this particular lotion … it feels like something illegal happened, we just don’t know what it is.
CARLOS: And you, Mr. Greer, what is your take on the situation?
LAWYER: For one thing, we don’t even know if this works. The ReBirth lotion sounds completely ridiculous, literally almost impossible to believe, and yet NewYew has obviously spent millions, maybe billions of dollars on creating and distributing it, and I can’t think of why they’d do something like that if it were all a hoax.
CARLOS: So if the lotion doesn’t actually alter Mrs. Osborne’s DNA, this is all moot?
LAWYER: It’s still a domestic disturbance, and they’ll probably be fined for bothering the neighbors, but you’re right—if the lotion doesn’t actually do anything, the fine is the worst that will happen.
CARLOS: And if it does work?
LAWYER: If does work, then.… Then we’ve got an entirely new area of law that no one has ever dealt with before. We simply don’t have the legal infrastructure to deal with this kind of crime: we could charge him with reckless endangerment, maybe, but unlawfully turning one person into another person? It’s simply unheard of. There’s nothing about this in any law book outside of … the starship Enterprise.
CARLOS: Unbelievable. This has got to be one of the craziest domestic calls you guys have ever had to make. At least for now. [Turns to camera.] Lisa, we’ll keep you updated as the story progresses, but both Officer Schwartz and Mr. Greer wanted me to stress just how dangerous this lotion can be, especially if used incorrectly or without consent. It goes on sale tomorrow, so please, everyone, be careful or you might see these guys knocking on your door.
* * *
MEG CARSON: Welcome back to the Morning Show, coming to you live from Times Square. I’m Meg Carson, and outside the window you can see the crowd is super excited about our next guest, one of the most controversial figures in America: the man known as Guru Kuvam. Joining him in our studio are Donna and Melissa Pickett, who claim that Kuvam healed Donna of cancer. Mr. Kuvam—
KUVAM: Please, call me Guru.
CARSON: Um, okay. Guru Kuvam. When this story broke just over a month ago everyone could see that Donna looked like the new twin sister of her daughter Melissa, and seeing them together here in our studio I have to say that the similarities are impossible to ignore.
[Donna and Melissa smile; they are nearly identical.]
CARSON: When your news first broke, nobody knew what to make of it, but given the events of the last few days, naturally we’re all wondering if your so-called naturopathic treatment was in fact simply a dose of ReBirth.
KUVAM: That is correct, Megan, but it is incorrect to dismiss ReBirth’s naturopathic origins. Naturopathy as a medical discipline heals the whole body, bringing out the best in that body and allowing it to heal itself. Donna’s previous cancer treatments ignored this and focused on small parts of her body, in an attempt to kill the cancer by brute force, but I have treated her whole body by changing it; by cleansing it. She has used that power to heal herself.
CARSON: But doesn’t that seem kind of invasive to you? I mean … it’s not really her body anymore, is it? It’s Melissa’s.
KUVAM: It’s Melissa’s genetic code, but Donna’s body. They’re no more the same person than a pair of identical twins is the same person—let us say instead that they are two different people sharing a common point of origin, as indeed we all do.
CARSON: Perhaps you can answer this, then: Where did you get a sample of ReBirth more than a month early? Did they give it to you? Is this part of a NewYew publicity stunt?
KUVAM: They did not give it to me, and I did not steal it. Let us say instead that the universe itself brought ReBirth into my hands. The world, the media, the corporations that control these substances—all they care about are the superficial trappings. They want money, or beauty, or power, and they can have them; the vibrant force of human nature doesn’t care about these things. NewYew has given us a commercial product, but the universe, through NewYew, has given us life. They have given us immortality. Do you see the potential, Megan? Do you see the hands of the universe reaching out to embrace you? There should be nothing that troubles us anymore: no worries of disease, because ReBirth has cured all our disease; no worries of hate because ReBirth has removed all our differences. We are one people now, united and eternal, and nothing can take that—
[Guru Kuvam’s head jerks back with a loud crack, bright red blossoming from his forehead. Behind him the glass window shatters, and the studio is abruptly filled with sounds of cars and people and screaming. The women duck behind couches, cameramen and stagehands scurry for cover, and a second barrage of bullets tears through the studio. A man charges in front of the camera, waving an assault rifle wildly in his hand.]
GUNMAN: The heretic has fallen, and with him his abominations!
[A third round of gunfire erupts from off screen, and the gunman falls as police and security guards rush toward him. The gunman gasps his final words.]
GUNMAN: I give my life gladly. My resurrection will be a true one.
* * *
NEWSCASTER: We are coming to you live from the midnight launch event for the ReBirth clinic in Santa Monica, where twenty-four-year-old singer and movie star Cristina Francis has been attacked. Sources close to Francis tell me she was here for the event, just like hundreds of other curious onlookers, when out of the crowd one of the first ReBirth customers emerged from the clinic with a sample of blank lotion and lunged at Francis, smearing her with it in an attempt to imprint it with her DNA. I’m standing here with Ben Thompson, one of many eyewitnesses. Ben, can you tell us in your own words what happened next?
THOMPSON: We tried to catch him, right? Like, the whole crowd—we were gonna tackle him, but he had the lotion just out there, in his hands and stuff, and there was no way to grab him without getting it on us, you know? And Cristina Francis is great and everything but I don’t want to be her, like, maybe my girlfriend could be her, but not me, especially because then people might be attacking me all the time for my DNA. And I told my girlfriend to grab him, but she was all scared and no one else would touch him, either, so he got away.
NEWSCASTER: Thank you. Many bloggers and analysts have been predicting exactly this kind of attack ever since ReBirth was announced yesterday: the rise of the so-called gene-arazzi, who will ambush celebrities not to take their pictures, but to take their DNA. Nobody expected it would happen this quickly, however, which seems like an ominous sign for the future. Back to you.