“Are you ready, Mum?” Claudia called from the front door.
“Coming,” Marcy called back. “I’ll just get the present. Be right there.”
With a sigh of exasperation Claudia read the text that had just arrived.
Am I meeting you at the restaurant? Dx
She texted back. That was the plan.
Great. On my way. See you there.
Tonight there was a big birthday celebration for Henry at the Crustacean, with all their closest friends invited. It had been her mother’s idea, and she was still fighting with Henry over who was going to pay for it. He’d lose because Claudia had already taken care of it, but she hadn’t bothered telling them that yet, since their squabbling was good entertainment. It was also the best feeling in the world to see her mother coming out of her shell again and even looking forward to things.
However, to say she was looking forward to Archie’s trial might be overstating it, but she’d been preparing for it with Helen for the past week or so, and remained determined to make an appearance on the stand on behalf of the defense. Naturally the prosecution had called her, it made sense for them to do so, but when she’d told them what she was, and was not, prepared to say they’d quickly dropped her. Quite why they hadn’t also dropped the attempted murder charge only they knew, although it presumably meant they remained confident of securing a guilty verdict.
Turning at the sound of a car coming through the open gates Claudia frowned into the darkness, trying to recognize it in the headlights.
“Who’s that?” her mother asked, joining her at the door.
“I don’t know, but whoever it is they need to stop . . . Now!”
The dark green Astra ended up inches from the driver’s door of Jasmine’s Mini, headlights blazing and causing sparks of alarm to shoot through Claudia.
Putting an arm across her mother she was about to push her back into the house when a scrawny little woman in a yellow parka and green wellies all but tumbled out of the Astra.
“Ell—oh!” she shouted, hurrying awkwardly toward them. “I’m Archie’s ma, Maria. Sorry to bother you. Ah you Ma-cee Kavnuh?”
As she came closer, they could see the twist of her mouth and crooked bones in her face, and realizing who she was, Marcy threw a surprised glance at Claudia as she stepped forward.
“Hello, Maria,” she said. “I’m Marcy. Is everything all right?”
“Yeah. Ev-thing fine. Just want to ask please can I clean fo’ you to say sorry fo’ wha’ my boy did, een tho he din mean to. No charge. Can come any day tha’ sues you.”
Marcy wasn’t sure what to say, could only connect with the strangeness of being approached like this.
“Maria, I think—” Claudia began.
“Is ma way to make up to you,” Maria interrupted. “He can’ do himself because of bein’ in prison.”
Claudia said firmly, “We’re about to go out, but we’ll discuss your offer and give you an answer soon. Is that OK?”
Maria’s lopsided mouth broke into a smile, and her eyes were bright with gratitude as she said, “Thas OK. I can wait. Thank you, thank you,” and went swiftly back to her car.
Claudia and Marcy watched as she crunched it into gear and prayed as she revved up that she would find reverse. She did, but they remained silently staring as she shot backward down the drive as if she’d just been sprung from a bow.
“What the f—” Jasmine cried, finally able to leap out of her Mini.
“We’ll explain on the way,” Claudia told her. “We need to go.”
TWENTY MINUTES LATER, after agreeing to talk more about how they should respond to Maria’s unexpected offer, they ran into the restaurant to find they were the last to arrive. A worried Henry spotted them first and hurried over to greet Marcy, who’d left his gift in the car so they went off to get it.
“Hey you,” Dan said, coming to plant a kiss on Claudia’s cheek. So familiar and so typical of the public greeting he gave her now that they were five official dates into a relationship.
“Hey you,” she murmured back. “You’re looking very dashing.” He was, in his dark suit and pale blue shirt (no tie), but for her it was always the glasses that did it. And him, just for being him.
“And you’re looking ravishing,” he told her. “I don’t think I’ve seen that dress before.”
With a playful smile she said, “There’s a lot you haven’t seen before, but if you remembered to pack for a sleepover . . . ?”
His eyes narrowed in his version of seductive as he looked into hers. “I did,” he replied, leaving her in little doubt of how pleased he was to have done so.
“Good, because it seems everyone’s going in different directions from here—Jasmine’s off clubbing with Abby, and Mum’s going home with Henry.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Seriously?”
“Seriously. Mum decided Henry shouldn’t be on his own on his birthday, so she drove her things over there earlier and came home again to get ready.”
“Wow,” he murmured. “So, it’s going to be just us at the coach house tonight.”
“Just us. Oh, but remind me to tell you about the visit we just had from Archie’s mother. It was . . . I’m not actually sure what it was, or how we should deal with it, but now’s not the time. We should mingle.”
Since all the regular crowd was there, and everyone was so fond of teasing Henry, it quickly turned into a rowdy and even raucous evening. Claudia was so happy to be a part of it that she all but forgot about the clock ticking down on Marcus’s release. However, this was no time to be thinking about it, they were safe here, in this restaurant among friends, and knowing what the evening held with Dan was making everything feel like a wonderful dream coming true.
It was after the main course had been cleared that Richie came to sit beside her, taking the chair that Graeme had just vacated. “You know, I’m going to be covering the trial next week?” he asked quietly.
“Of course,” she replied, her smile fading at the reminder. “We’d expect you to.”
“So, would it be OK to ask your mother for an interview before it starts? You know, to find out how she’s feeling about taking the stand?”
Simply hearing it put into words made Claudia’s heart contract with nerves. “You should ask her, but to be honest, I’m starting to wonder if I’m more uptight about it than she is.”
With a smile Richie said, “She’s a remarkable woman. There aren’t many who’d do what she’s doing—with scars, or without.” He stood, waving to a friend.
“Between us, I wish she’d change her mind, but I can’t see it happening. Now, it looks as though the cake is about to arrive.”
As it was wheeled in full of sparklers and candles, the whole restaurant broke into “Happy Birthday,” and as Henry, beaming with delight, prepared to say thank you, Claudia felt Dan’s arm go around her.
Leaning her head on his shoulder she whispered, “How long before we can go?”
He was about to respond when Richie popped back. “I meant to ask,” he said, keeping his voice down as Henry launched into a speech, “has Marcy visited the prison at all?”
“No,” Claudia replied. “She hasn’t wanted to use up his mother’s time with him, and I think she’s worried about how the other inmates might react when they see her.”
“Got you,” Richie responded. “She’s met with the lawyers by now though?”
“She’s spent a lot of time with Helen Hall and the barrister, Gordon Lock. We’re told he’s a Queen’s Counsel with an impressive reputation.”
“I hear the prosecution are putting their own QC up against him.”
She nodded, feeling anxious and fearful. Her mother was extremely brave to be doing this, especially when she had zero experience in a courtroom. Claudia just hoped to God that the prosecuting lawyer didn’t end up tearing her still fragile confidence to shreds. “If things don’t go as we’d like them to,” she said to Richie, “you’ll treat her well in your reports, won’t you?”
“You have my word on it,” he promised, “but I’ll lay money they’ll find him not guilty once they’ve heard what she has to say.”
“And that,” Claudia said to Dan as Richie returned to his own seat between Jasmine and Abby, “is what’s making me more nervous than anything, the way everyone seems so certain that she, all on her own, is going to swing things in Archie’s favor. The pressure on Mum is enormous. She won’t talk about it, she says there’s no point if I try to bring it up, but I know she’s worried and I think quite a big part of her is actually regretting saying she’ll do this.”
“She can always pull out,” Dan told her seriously. “It’s still possible for the verdict to go in his favor even if she doesn’t take the stand.”
“That’s what I’ve told her. I’ve even tried warning her that the prosecution could accuse her of trying to manipulate the jury with sight of her injuries.”
“Believe me, no sane lawyer would do that to a victim who is brave enough to stand up for her attacker when she’s clearly scarred for life. I think you need to try and stop worrying, trust her to know what she’s doing, but make sure she’s aware that if she does want to change her mind no one, I mean no one, will think worse of her for it.” His eyes seemed to enlarge behind his glasses as he added, “I only wish the real guilty parties were facing trial, but we haven’t given up hope of that yet.”
Her brow was still furrowed.
Pressing a kiss to her head he murmured, “Would it be possible to put this aside now and be just us?”
With a smile as she returned to the present she said, “Of course,” and for once it wasn’t hard to let go of the tension inside her, not when she had so much to look forward to later.
THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON Marcy returned to the coach house from Henry’s, and as her eyes met Claudia’s across the kitchen it was clear that they were both finding it hard to stop smiling.
“So, it went well for you, with Dan?” Marcy asked casually as she dropped her overnight bag and shrugged off her coat.
“It did, thank you. And from the look of you I’m guessing it went well for you, with Henry?”
Marcy laughed. “I’m glad Jasmine’s not around to hear us, I can just imagine what she might say, or maybe I’d rather not,” and going to fill the kettle she began making tea.
“So, are you up for discussing Maria’s offer?” Claudia asked, as they took their mugs through to the sitting room.
Marcy felt a strange tightness inside as she thought about it, and wasn’t sure whether it was resistance, or guilt, or even annoyance at having to deal with it. She’d far rather carry on thinking about Henry and replaying what a big step it had been for her to stay with him last night. And how tender he had been. Then she pictured the tiny woman’s pleading face, and found herself wondering how she must be feeling now, with her son in prison and her conscience trying to make amends for his crime.
With a sigh, she drank some tea and put her mug on the table. “So, what are your thoughts?”
“Well, frankly,” Claudia began, “I think it would be extremely odd—to put it mildly—to employ the mother of the person who set fire to our house. It doesn’t feel right at all, in fact it feels distinctly wrong, but at the same time I can’t help feeling sorry for her.”
Marcy smiled reflectively. “I know what you mean. And let’s not forget, she’s not to blame for what happened. She’s just a mother trying to do her best, the way any mother would . . .”
They sat quietly for a while, mulling over Maria’s brief and unexpected visit again until Claudia said, “If we tell her no, how are we going to feel after?”
Marcy sighed. “Knowing us we’ll worry about having hurt her feelings.”
Being in little doubt of that, especially where her mother was concerned, Claudia said, “But we don’t owe her anything.”
“You might say that, but don’t forget if she hadn’t turned in her own son, we’d probably still have no idea who actually set fire to the place.”
Accepting the truth of that, and actually admiring the courage it must have taken for Maria to do what she did, as well as all the distress it must have caused her at the time and since, Claudia said, “You’re right, we are indebted to her for that, and we always will be, but if we do take her on it’ll mean that she—and by extension, Archie—will always be with us, and I don’t think we want that, do we?”
Marcy shook her head as she thought. It was hard to imagine ever being past this time in their lives, of reaching a point when not everything would be about the fire, or her injuries, or Archie’s trial. “I’m wondering,” she said, “if we should make this a part of the forgiving process . . .” She broke off, not entirely sure if she meant what she was saying, if she even knew what the process was or how she felt about it. Of course, she knew the dictionary definition of forgiveness, and what it should entail, but words were easy, anyone could speak them, whereas actually connecting with that level of understanding and exoneration, making it real and relevant . . .
“No one’s saying you have to forgive anything,” Claudia told her gently.
Marcy’s eyebrows rose. “Isn’t that why we entered the RJ program?”
“Maybe. Yes, I suppose it is, but I know I’m still having a really hard time with it myself.”
Marcy frowned. “So, you’re not starting to forgive Archie?”
Claudia said, “I want this to be about you, Mum, not me. If forgiving, or working on forgiveness, helps you to move forward I’ll support you all the way, but it doesn’t mean that I feel the same.”
Marcy regarded her intently and allowed several minutes to pass. “I think,” she said eventually, “that what you’re actually having a difficult time with is being able to forgive yourself, but it wasn’t your fault, Claudia. None of it.”
“You say that, but if I hadn’t married Marcus . . .”
“You had no idea this would happen, none of us did. For heaven’s sake, you can’t carry that sort of guilt around with you forever, especially when it doesn’t belong to you. And if I thought you couldn’t let it go that would make everything a whole lot harder for me.”
Claudia’s eyes went down as the warning assailed her conscience, though she wasn’t sure it was making any difference. Sometimes she only had to look at her mother to feel a consuming, raging need to punish herself for having brought her to this.
“Claudia,” Marcy said firmly, “I am truly coming to believe that the only way either of us is ever going to be able to move on is through some kind of forgiveness, and that has to include you forgiving yourself. OK, I know it’s hard, I’m not finding it easy either, to empathize with Archie. God knows, a big part of me wants to say to hell with it, why should I forgive anyone after what’s been done to me? Let them suffer, let all the wrath of the gods rain down on them, but if I do that, I’m the one who’s going to end up a bitter and vengeful old woman. That’s not who I want to be, it really isn’t, but I’m sure it’s what will happen if I hang on to all the terrible things I feel. They’re corrosive, Claudia, even more damaging in their way than the fire. And it’s the same for you. You need to exorcize all the ugliness that’s come from knowing Marcus, because if you don’t he’ll always be with you.”
Claudia’s eyes widened in astonishment. “You’re surely not asking me to forgive him,” she protested.
“No, not at all. I understand that’s far too big an ask, for either of us, but going easier on yourself, being more understanding of your mistakes—that you couldn’t possibly have known were mistakes at the time—is every bit as important for you as it is for me. As a family we need to move on in as healthy a way as we can, and holding on to negative and destructive feelings about ourselves isn’t going to help us to do that.”
Claudia knew she couldn’t deny any of this, she didn’t even want to try, since she was perfectly aware that arguing a case for her self-loathing was as counterproductive as it was stupid. It was simply . . . It was simply what? It was so hard to know how she felt about anything, apart from responsible and brokenhearted about what her mother had been through, and would never escape. “I guess,” she said quietly, “that we have to accept that it’s going to take me longer to get the hang of forgiving than it seems to be taking you.”
Marcy’s tone was wry as she said, “Believe you me, I’m not there yet, I’m just going through the motions of it in the hope that it’ll become a reality. And actually, so far, it seems to be working.”
“You wouldn’t be doing what you are for Archie if it weren’t.”
“Maybe not, but surely you can see that he’s as much a victim in all this as he is an offender.”
“I suppose it’s one way of looking at it.”
“I’ve decided it’s the only way and not for him, for me.”
Going to sit beside her, Claudia took her damaged hand between both of hers and raised it to her lips.
“It was Dan who first told us,” Marcy went on, “that it’s often harder for the families of victims to forgive than it is the victim themselves, and it seems he’s right.”
Claudia gazed into her mother’s eyes seeing past the injuries to the beauty inside her. “I don’t deserve two such wonderful people in my life,” she said softly, “but I’m very glad I have you both.”
“And we’re very glad, and very lucky, to have you. Now what we still have to decide is, what should we do about Maria? Should we take Maria on, or shouldn’t we? Would it be a step forward, or will it keep us rooted to where we are?”