CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

TOBY STAYED AT THE HOSPITAL FOR FOUR MORE DAYS OF TESTS. When the doctors were satisfied that Toby was recovered, they discharged him with instructions to keep activity to a minimum. He’d been through the wringer and he was going to need lots of rest. No school, they said, until after spring break, and they wanted to monitor his heart for the next few months, just to make sure. They were being cautiously optimistic, but Sean could tell Toby was getting better every day.

On the cab ride home from the hospital, Toby sat between him and Ellie with a hand on each of their legs, oozing happiness.

“Toby needs someone to stay with him while you’re at work,” Ellie had whispered in the hallway outside Toby’s room. “It should be me. Not some stranger.”

“I don’t want to get his hopes up,” he said, though he knew Toby’s hopes were already up.

“I don’t want to leave him. I don’t think I could do it.”

“Okay”, he said. “For a little while. Until he’s stronger.”

Ellie had reached for his hand and squeezed it. “Thank you.”

When the taxi pulled up to their building, Sean lifted him onto his back. He knew Toby could walk into the building and up to their apartment. But why not give him a piggy back ride? Why not spoil him for the rest of his life?

“I’m taller than everybody,” Toby announced. He felt lighter than Sean remembered, smaller. Ellie, who carried the balloons and flowers and cards from the hospital, smiled up at Toby dreamily, looking past Sean.

When they got out of the elevator, he dug into his pocket for the front door key, but Ellie beat him to it. “I’ve got mine.” She jingled them and his throat constricted. Of course she had keys. She’d come back to shower and to leave her things. She opened the door—his door—and ushered them in. When she dumped all the stuff, she looked around and let out a satisfied sigh.

He let Toby slide down his back to the floor. “Good to be home?” Toby nodded happily and ran off toward his room. Which left Sean and Ellie alone. “So,” he said.

“So.” She smiled awkwardly. “I guess I’ll—”

“What should we—” he said over her. “Oh. What were you—”

“Oh, nothing. I just …” She ran her eyes over the living room, lingering on the paintings. “I missed them. Especially the sunset.”

It wasn’t a sunset. It had started out as a sunset, but he’d worked over it fifteen times until it was an abstract expression of the moody internal landscape of their life together; dark and cloudy with deep, intense colors buried far beneath the surface.

“Whoa,” Toby yelled from his room, and Sean froze.

A second later he was next to Toby. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”

“Look.” Toby said, pointing up. The solar system—stars, planets, the whole thing—covered the ceiling.

Ellie peeked around the corner. “Like it?”

He nodded. “It’s really cool.”

“When did you … how …?”

“Remember the night I came back to pick up some clothes for him? I just had the idea and went for it.” She wrapped her arms around Toby. “Do you really like it?”

“It’s perfect. Now the totem pole guys have something to look at when I’m asleep.”

“I love you sweetie pie,” she said. “I’m so glad you’re home and well, and that we’re here together.”

It was pretty clear Toby was happy to have them all together, too. He took Monopoly off the shelf. “Can we?” he asked. “It’s better with three people. I’ll be the race car.” He tried to stifle a yawn.

“We’ll play tomorrow,” Sean said. “Let’s get you some food, then bedtime.”

“Yeah, I’m hungry.”

He loved the idea of feeding Toby. “Let’s see what there is. Come on.” But Ellie had beaten him to the kitchen.

“Can I have graham crackers?” Toby had already figured out Sean would never be able to say no to him again.

“Absolutely,” he said. “For dessert.”

“So what’ll it be?” He clapped his hands together. “We can order. Anything you want. Ollie’s? V & T’s? Famiglia?”

Toby stared at the takeout menus Sean had fanned out on the counter and shrugged. “Can you make Arthur mac and cheese?”

“You sure?”

Toby nodded.

“Okay, coming up.” He stepped toward the cabinet where Ellie was banging around reorganizing things. Ellie tried to move out of the way, but she must have thought he was going for the fridge and bumped him.

“Sorry,” he said. He found a box of macaroni and cheese in the cupboard and held it up for approval.

Toby nodded vigorously.

Ellie was already filling up a pot with water. “I got it,” she said with a smile.

He could get it. He’d gotten it without her for months. He wanted to get it. But making a scene over the mac and cheese would be infantile.

“Come on Tobe,” he said. “I’ll run you a bath.”

“Can I have guys in the bath tonight?”

He wondered if all boys washed with their superhero collection or if this was unique to his comic-obsessed son. “As many as you want.”

He didn’t even yell at Toby when the warring defenders of truth and justice soaked the bathroom floor. Toby was home and happy. Nothing else mattered. He ate half his mac and cheese and announced he was tired.

Ellie tucked him into bed while Sean mopped up the bathwater.

Then it was Sean’s turn. He pulled the covers tight around Toby and tucked them in just the way he liked. He focused on this happy scene, and tried not to dwell on how it would be when Toby was asleep and he and Ellie were alone.

“It’s just like before.” Toby closed his eyes, but the smile stayed.

Kids really couldn’t tell. All you had to do was paste on a smile and they’d believe you were the happiest person alive. He wondered how long he and Ellie could keep it civil. He kissed Toby on the head. “Love you, Tobe,” he said, and left the door ajar.

Ellie was trying to find room to unpack, but her old drawers were filled with brushes, charcoal and acrylic paint. One drawer was filled with sliced up photos of their life together.

“I’ll go to the grocery store,” she said.

“I can go.”

“No, it’s fine,” she said. “I want to.”

They were on their best behavior. It was nice. But he knew all that anger and resentment that had bubbled up at the hospital lay just beneath the surface. A scratch could set it free.

As soon as she was gone, he put on some music, lay on the couch, and checked his email. Not having to worry about being on his best behavior was a relief.

She was back half an hour later with bags of groceries containing what looked like a lifetime supply of lentils and tofu.

“I’m a vegan now,” she said.

“Oh God, Ellie.”

“I know you’ll like it.” She held up a steak. “But I got this for you, just in case.”

“No, that’s okay,” he said. “I’ll have whatever you’re making.”

As she cooked, the apartment filled with the unfamiliar smell of curry. It wasn’t a bad smell, but his home no longer smelled or felt like his. “I know it’s strange,” she said, as she stirred enough lentils to feed a small Indian village. “We have to get used to each other again.”

He’d just gotten used to being without her. To sleeping without her. He’d expected all‐out war, but she was more like the old Ellie than ever. He took a set of sheets from the linen closet and threw them on the coach. “You should take the bed.”

“No, I’ll sleep out here.”

“I’m not going to let you sleep on the couch,” he said. “I’m just not.”

“Don’t be silly, I’m fine on the—”

He shook his head. “I’m here.”

“Okay,” she said. “Thank you.” She watched him throw the cushions on the floor. “You going back to work tomorrow?”

Small talk. It was brilliant. They could make small talk and ease into whatever it was they were doing. “I wish I didn’t have to.”

She stared at the cooking lentils like they were the most fascinating things in the universe. For two people who had everything to discuss, they seemed to have nothing to talk about.

“Staying home with Toby will be a treat,” she said. “I really missed him.”

Was she blaming him for that?

“And I’m glad I can help you out, too,” she said. “I know this has all been hard on you.”

Her lack of sarcasm was throwing him. “Um, thanks.”

She grabbed the pot handle. “Fuck!” she yelled loudly, pulling her hand off the scalding pot. “Fuck! Fuck!” She ran her hand under cold water saying “Fuck.”

As she cursed and yelled, his phone rang. He snatched it up and heard Cheryl’s voice. She’d never called, and hearing the voice detached from the body was all wrong. “Jesus,” she said. “Thank fucking Christ Toby is okay. How are you doing?”

“Good,” he said. “Okay.” Having Ellie in his kitchen cooking lentils was weird enough without Cheryl on the phone. He had to push the bathroom sex out of his head. “Thanks.”

“I had no clue Toby was allergic,” she went on. “Scary.”

“Allergic?”

“I mean, it’s a friggin’ peanut—how can it poison so many kids? I can’t even imagine what a hellish ordeal that must have been. God, I’m glad he’s okay.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Shit, was that a secret? I thought—”

“Who said it was an allergy?” His voice rose unexpectedly.

“It went out in an email. Or maybe someone from the class told me. I can’t remember. Why?”

While he was sitting in the hospital room wondering if Toby would live, the class parents were gossiping, speculating. It made his stomach turn. “Toby isn’t allergic to nuts or anything else,” he said. Ellie was watching him, trying to figure out who he was talking to.

“But—” Cheryl sounded confused. “So what happened?”

He inhaled deeply then let out a sigh. Why was he keeping this secret? Who was it helping? “I put him on Metattent Junior. For ADD.” Ellie glared. Obviously, this was not information she wanted spread around.

“Oh God,” Cheryl said. “This was because of … that?”

“The school pushed me to have Toby evaluated. I don’t think he even had ADD. I think this all happened for nothing.”

Ellie was mouthing his name, pantomiming for him to put down the phone.

He turned his back to her. “Did they ever, you know, push you to evaluate Marcus?”

“Marcus is doing well in school. He’s fine.”

“So Shineman never, you know, suggested he might need to take medication.”

“I told you, he’s doing fine.” Her tone was different. Tense. “Sorry, I just … I better help him with homework.”

“I don’t think I’m the only one they’ve pressured. I don’t think Toby is the only non-ADD kid at Bradley on ADD medication.”

He listened to the dead air. “But … most kids don’t have that kind of reaction, right? It’s unusual …”

“It’s not a reaction. Or an allergy. The drugs affect the heart. It can happen to anyone. It happened to Toby and it’s happened to other kids, too.”

“Who? Who else did it happen to?”

“I don’t know.” He wished he could tell her what Noah had said. He wished he had more information. Most of all, he wished that he didn’t sound paranoid and delusional. “But I have it from a good source.”

“A doctor prescribed the drugs, right?”

“Yeah, but—”

“Don’t blame yourself,” she said. “You did what you thought was right.”

“No, I didn’t.” She was missing the point. “I mean, the school pushed me. Hard.”

“You wanted him to have every advantage,” she said, then lowered her voice. “I get it.”

“You put Marcus on it too, didn’t you?”

She paused and he knew he was right. “I’ve got to help Marcus with—”

“I won’t tell anyone,” he sounded desperate. “Just tell me the truth.”

“Coming sweetie,” she yelled, ostensibly to Marcus. “Look, I’ve got to go. I’m here if you need me,” she said, and hung up.

“Who was that?” Ellie asked. She’d set her mouth and was narrowing her eyes at him.

“Marcus’s mom,” he said, and shrugged. She’d wanted Marcus to have every advantage. And if everyone else in his class was on the stuff, he’d be at a disadvantage if he wasn’t on it too. The cycle was vicious. And impossible to break.

“Cheryl?” Ellie practically recoiled when she said the name. “Why? Have Toby and Marcus become friends? Because that’s hard to imagine.”

“I don’t know.”

“And why are you telling her you put Toby on medication?” Ellie said, moving on to her real gripe. “That’s none of her business. Or anyone’s.”

“She thought Toby had a peanut allergy.”

“So?” She was incredulous.

“The school is trying to cover up what happened. I’m sure of it.”

“What happened is that you put him on drugs that did this to him.”

He imagined their future together as an endless loop of this same conversation. She wouldn’t even contemplate the idea that Bradley had been the force behind all of this. He knew he was guilty. But so was Bradley. “So why is the school lying to parents about Toby?”

“Because, like I said before, it’s nobody’s fucking business what Toby was or wasn’t on. Because everyone doesn’t need to know.” She shook her head tightly. “I’m sure Cheryl will have told everyone by tomorrow morning.”

“Why are you so resistant to the idea that Bradley is trying to cover its own ass?”

“Do you really want to be that guy?” She looked deflated, disappointed, like he’d never learn. “You want to make this into a conspiracy? You want to accuse the most prestigious school in the country of some insane plot against children?” She took a breath, trying to defuse the last of her anger. Her hand found his chest. “I know this has been awful. Awful.” She looked him in the eye. “We have him back now. Please Sean, let this go. Cheryl misunderstood. There’s nothing malicious in that.”

“But if the school is trying to cover it—”

“People make mistakes.” She put her arms around him and lay her head on his chest. “I know I have.”

This was as close to an apology as he was going to get from Ellie. He decided to take it. For Toby’s sake. For his sanity over the next few weeks, or however long this temporary arrangement lasted. She was wrong about the school. But he didn’t need to convince her of that right now.