* I wonder if people with ADD are eligible for workers’ comp. If so, then I need to get a proper diagnosis right away so I can take advantage of the perks.
* Roger is a holiday dresser of the worst kind. Some of the offending accessories I’ve seen him sport include a Santa tie, reindeer horns, a blinking shamrock button, Easter bunny ears, Dracula fangs, American flag suspenders, and, yes, a pilgrim hat.
* † I frequently stare at the permanent eyeglass indentions above his ears while silently chanting the word “loser.”
* I once met a girl who would write the word “slut” in permanent marker on her belly before every first date to prevent herself from hooking up. Harsh? Yes. But effective? Absolutely.
* This bad “man habit” can be unlearned or at least controlled, so I let it slide.
* Note to cab drivers: when someone with puke on their shirt gets into the back of your cab and asks you to crack a window, it’s not a good idea to pull out greasy food.
* Code name in case anyone finds this list.
* I have a friend who was having sex once, and in the middle of it, felt something wet on his rear. When he turned around to see what it was, he realized his dog had just licked his butt cheek. Different cheek, but a similar story. Pets and sex don’t mix; they just don’t.
* Men have it too, but their testosterone reduces its effects.
* Note to men: There’s a very fine line between confidence and arrogance. Don’t mistake the latter for the former.
* As is their forgotten older sister, Magda.
* After talking two people into buying a set of Dollywood salt and pepper shakers, I realized that, owing to a lack of sleep, I was unfit to mingle with the public and quickly left.
* I always wonder if people who live in subdivisions like this have a hard time finding the right house after a late night out. I mean, it can’t be easy.
* They took telecourses through the local community college and watched their classes on public-access television (or recorded them, if they happened to be on schedule at the local Piggly Wiggly grocery store where they worked).
* Christopher Reeve, the world’s best Superman, may you rest in peace.
* For example, the last time Gary was supposed to meet Smother, his private plane had mechanical problems and he got stuck in Miami. The time before that he was invited to attend J. Lo and Marc’s impromptu wedding and had to fly to LA for the weekend.
* This was long before Carrie Bradshaw made the stiletto so popular; clunky shoes were in style, I swear.
* † Nowadays, I’d be Tarragon Spice. Tarragon, what I like to refer to as the Forgotten Spice, is wonderfully delicious and terribly overlooked. I highly suggest that everyone start using more of it.
* Cosmo says it’s always best to be the one to end the first conversation with a man. You gotta leave them wanting more.
* Dolls (n): Slang term for pills made popular by a fine piece of American literature, Valley of the Dolls. God bless you, Jacqueline Susann, for writing one hell of a book that became one hell of a movie. May you rest in peace.
* I was, but they were big white cotton briefs and I didn’t want to tell him.
* I mentioned this to my mother one day, that I find thongs uncomfortable, and do you want to know what she said to me? She said, “Maybe you need a bigger size.” Seriously.
* Nowadays I’d pretend he was Prince William. Actually, maybe Prince Harry. He seems like he’d be much more fun to hang out with.
* The outfit was another one of life’s little emergencies.
* One of those robotic vacuums that cleans the floor while you sit on the couch and do nothing.