Chapter Twenty-Five

Change of Plans

Unfortunately, we weren’t able to get the last heads of state on the line before I had to leave for work, so I recorded a few messages with Roast’s help in case they needed them while I was gone. Han said I was the only one still working, because the kitchen staff was stretched too thin to spare me. That reasoning seemed thin to me, but I decided to let it go, especially since I didn’t want to miss more time in the kitchen.

I fixed my hairnet in place and made for the winding ramp up to the main floor, no longer caring that a guard waited for me at the top. “I’m off, folks. Don’t save the world without me.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Andrek called and blew me a kiss.

Chef had me scheduled for memorial prep except for when I served lunch, and the kitchen buzzed with excitement. She called a quick meeting to announce what I was doing to the rest of the staff.

“I want you all to mark these moments,” she told us, “and lend your support however you’re able. This holiday isn’t only about looking back at Faraday’s life, but also marching forward with the dreams she shared with us. When faced with danger and terrible uncertainties, we must rise to the challenge with hope and strength. This is what makes us Lunar, and what makes being Lunar something worth striving to be. When we remember Faraday and all those we lost beside her, we will celebrate what they believed in, what we still believe in. And, Lane, we owe you our thanks for the reminder.”

“Preach!” Ty hollered, digging an elbow into my side with a smile.

“We are Lunar!” someone from the prep crew chimed in, and most of the staff repeated it back.

The grill cooks clapped, and I blushed as others dipped their heads at me in a sort of bow. I’d never be comfortable being the center of attention, but this wasn’t so bad. Everyone wore smiles, whether wistful or broad.

Except Stephan. He had his hands twisted in his apron strings, his curly head drooped low. As I watched him, he glanced my way with bloodshot eyes, and I wondered if he was okay. He’d been much less cheerful the last few weeks. Maybe Chef’s speech had him thinking about his siblings? I resolved to check in on him later once I took a break.

“All right, you rascals,” Chef said, laughing. “Back to work. Line service in forty minutes.”

The kitchen continued to buzz as I gathered and sorted ingredients for the holiday meals. The actual memorial was only one day, but our celebration would last two. Six meals for two days plus four desserts. Everyone wanted to know what I’d decided to make, and nearly all of them had thoughts on how to tweak the recipes further.

I tried to be grateful and accept the advice, but with some saying, “more spices” and others saying “fewer spices” or “different spices,” it was impossible to apply it all. I ended up babbling and dropping things until Chef saw me struggling to keep the peace, and she sent me to the private dining room I’d used for the tasting sessions.

It felt weird working alone, but I didn’t mind it once I got my head in the right zone. I pounded and shaped dough, humming tunes I didn’t know the words for but I remembered Khalid singing to my sister. Faraday would have loved my menu, more so that I was making it all myself. I lost myself a while imagining how proud she’d be. The tabletops swiftly filled with soaked beans, batches of dough, piles of spice blends, and cut vegetables and fruits, ready for freezing or storage.

I loaded what was ready onto carts and separated the rest to finish tomorrow or the shift after. If I kept going at this rate, I’d be done much earlier than expected. My arms and back ached in a good way when I bothered to look at the time, realizing I was hours past the end of my shift and had dozens of missed messages.

Andrek found me as I pulled the last unloaded cart from the freezer and wrestled it into place along the wall. “There you are!”

“Hi! Sorry! I got caught up.” I spun around to hug him, but the cloudy look on his face stopped me halfway. I dropped my arms. “What’s wrong? Something happen with the other calls?”

“Why does something have to be wrong for me to come looking for my girl?” He circled my waist and rested his chin on my head to nuzzle.

“Andrek.” I wasn’t fooled. Tension radiated off him like fumes. Maybe I should have read my messages before cleaning up.

“I don’t want you to worry, all right?” He held me tighter, and I let him. My mind raced through everything that could have possibly gone wrong in the short hours I was happy and not watching. His breath hitched against me like it was caught in the zipper of his throat. “I’m going to be busy doing something for Han for a few days is all. Away. I needed you to know.”

“Away?” I wiggled free of him, craning to see his eyes and what he hid there, but he turned away from me. “Going on a trip to the beach on your private space yacht, are you?”

“Lane, I… This thing I’m doing for Han, whatever happens or comes out or whatever, you know me. You know us. I need you to remember that, okay? No matter what.”

“Us? What are you talking about?” My hands beat against my thighs as I searched the slant of his shoulders and the invisible weight bearing down there. For some reason I thought of noodles squeezed too thin and tomatoes fuzzy with mold. The single step between us lengthened, and it was all I could do to hold still, to hold on.

Andrek’s tablet chirped a message alert, then another as he reached for it, then twice more. Our guards, who stood far back by the serving line, didn’t acknowledge us. I guessed being Han’s assets had perks.

“I wish I could explain better, but I’ve got to go. Now. I love you, Lane. No matter what.” His hand went to his heart, and he started for the exit.

“Andrek.” I forced myself to move, to chase after him, but my feet moved so slow, and my lungs strained inside my ribs. “You can’t say things like that and run off alone. Andrek, wait!”

He stutter-stepped, like his legs were arguing with each other, and stopped. Turned. The whites of his eyes were red, and tears lined his thick lashes. I watched the muscles in his jaw clicking as he fought some war inside I didn’t understand.

“I won’t be alone,” he whispered. “Everything’s going to turn out fine. The accord’s in motion, so all you need to do now is keep going with the memorial.”

I couldn’t believe this was happening. Where could he go? He couldn’t go anywhere, not without me! What did “no matter what” mean? We were stupid to trust Han, to think she’d treat us or him any better than my parents or Brand would. If I hadn’t been sent away to cook for the memorial, then I would know what was happening already. I could have stopped it. Was that the real reason I was the only one still working? Han trusted the others with her plans, but not me?

I wanted to grab him and kiss him and make him stay. Anything to stop him from the thing that had him scared and worried. Worried about us. But I couldn’t will myself to move closer. He was already far away in his mind, far enough that actually touching him might break reality.

“I hate this!” I waved my hands uselessly in the air at the whatever-was-going-on.

“Me too.”

I stayed in the kitchen, just standing there, a long time after Andrek passed through the cafeteria doors. The image of him shrinking as he walked farther and farther replayed in my head. Each iteration made me angrier than the last, until I was bursting with it, explosive.

At the start I was only angry at him. He should have sought me out earlier, told me everything. He had to have known what it would mean to leave me with this muddy confusion and loneliness gnawing at my insides. He knew, but he’d done it anyway. I didn’t care that he was doing something for Han, for the trust. I was the trust too!

My anger spread to Commander Han next. She was taking advantage of Andrek, of his loyalty and his history; she must be. She was moving him like a pawn into Brand’s line of fire somehow, no matter how much I needed him and how important he was to my family. Didn’t that make her like Brand? I wished I’d never said a word to her, that we’d denied everything she said she knew and sent her rolling back to operations empty-handed.

V should have known this would happen. How could someone be so smart, so educated in the machinery of power not see that the moment we let Han in we’d be nothing but extras in our own play? Why hadn’t she stopped me? I’d have listened to her. I was furious with V for being weak, for having feelings and crying when we needed her to stay the Strong One and keep us safe.

And that thought made me mad at Halle, for being so stinking cute but not better at consoling V when she was supposed to. At Joule for hoarding so much of my boyfriend’s attention that Andrek could do this to me, leaving me in the dark. At my parents, for everything, for driving a wedge between me and Andrek, for treating me like a child but also never treating me like an actual child who was a real person and not just a problem to solve. At Faraday, most of all, for dying and creating this whole mess in the first place.

I stood there, seething at everyone and everything, so long that I lost the feeling in my legs, so long that I wasn’t Lane anymore. I was a meat sack of anger and misery and frustration. Eventually a sanitation crew came in, shocking me into myself, and I stalked to my quarters and lay on Andrek’s bed, contemplating how much I hated him for agreeing to leave me.