just as hospitality is universal, the wabi-sabi way can be adopted anywhere, transforming how we see beauty, make our homes, and entertain.
Although this book explores very specific places where I’ve experienced facets of wabi-sabi, there are countless other cultures that could be exemplary models—they simply haven’t been a part of my own personal journey thus far. And because wabi-sabi can be embodied by anyone, no matter the time or place, this concept also represents many ideas that cannot be confined or attributed to just one region of the globe. The following are some basic principles that are found in the places included in the book, but they also extend beyond and can be carried with you anywhere you practice being a warm, hospitable host.
Wabi-Sabi Starts at Home
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Home is a natural training ground for practicing a more wabi-sabi way of life, because our homes are usually where we feel safest and most at ease being entirely ourselves. In my own process of moving away from perfect and toward perfectly imperfect, I’ve discovered that the ideas explored in this book help make my daily life feel simpler, more thoughtful, and more carefree. This is because at its core, wabi-sabi teaches us to cling to what’s essential, and to forget the rest. It also helps us to reexamine what “essential” really means, and there’s no better place to do this than in our private spaces. Focusing on what’s most important can aid us in everything we do at home: taking care of our families, decorating, entertaining, cooking meals, relaxing, and so on. Our dwellings are mirrors of ourselves, and the way we create and share them always reflects what we believe in and care about—from day-to-day trivialities to big, significant decisions. For me, the more personal, meaningful, and perfectly imperfect I allow my home to be, the less consumed I am with trying to “keep up” with trendy designs or anyone else’s version of what home should be. Likewise, when I concentrate on hosting humbly rather than trying to impress, my ego fades and I can pour my energy into making my guests feel as welcome as possible. Hopefully you will find, as I have, that bringing this way of being into your home inspires a deep sigh of relief.
Make Time to Be Together
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Choosing what’s essential, as wabi-sabi encourages us to do, requires taking a hard look at our priorities and making some sacrifices along the way. No matter how often I’ve tried, I always come back to the conclusion that I simply can’t have it all, and in order to make way for what I really want—which is rich relationships and warm hospitality in my home—I have to let some other things go. Like many people, however, I’m not immune to chronic busyness, when life is full but not always extraordinarily deep. Living a mindful, considered life means making time and space to breathe, slow down, and be specific about what I truly desire. For most of us, this involves quality time shared with others. So instead of filling your calendar with countless weekend coffee dates, you might reserve Sundays as a time to eat, read, and enjoy leisure time with people who are really important to you. It could also mean that when you do get time with friends, you concentrate on really being together rather than diddle away the moments on social media or small talk. For others, it might simply mean committing one night a week to having someone over, in spite of how busy work or family life happens to be. I’ve found that regardless of my circumstances, my most fulfilling times are when my relationships are flourishing, but this always requires saying no to something else or, in some cases, many things.
Keeping to this habit of spending quality time with others might involve telling someone else of your intention so they can hold you accountable, or simply writing it down for yourself as a tangible reminder; some years ago I was gifted a small “wish book” in which I wrote many desires, and since then, all of them have come to fruition, including having more time to spend with loved ones. Sometimes it just takes reminding yourself of what you really want and what’s most important in order to make it happen. I’m always happy to discover that despite how pressing other matters may seem, investing in togetherness richly rewards me every time.
Make Do with What You Have
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Wabi-sabi is about humbly making do with whatever you have and, in doing so, experiencing beauty in unexpected places. Maybe you live in a tiny studio apartment that will never resemble the homes featured in magazines, blogs, and books. Or perhaps you live in a larger home and aren’t sure how to incorporate this uncluttered way of living. None of this matters: wabi-sabi can be for you, too. It’s a mind-set that helps you move toward needing fewer objects and material possessions to make you happy.
However, wabi-sabi isn’t about getting rid of everything you own—we live in a material world, after all. Instead, it’s about recognizing the pleasure we can experience from what we do have, without constantly needing to acquire more. And though the concept may be tied to a particular aesthetic, I think the really important components of wabi-sabi—like humility, contentment, and awareness—can transform anyone. Wabi-sabi inspires us to be resourceful and creative with whatever we’ve been given and to express gratitude by joyfully sharing it with others.
Focus Fully on Your Guests
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Wabi-sabi is largely about learning to pay better attention; it’s a daily practice of mindfulness, meditation, and seeing everything around us more clearly. I’ll be the first to admit that my attention span isn’t what it used to be and that I’m constantly fighting against the temptation to be entertained at every moment. I find myself skimming paragraphs, scrolling distractedly through my phone, and generally processing about ten things at a time. Though it’s easy to blame technology, too many responsibilities, and a constant string of interruptions, the real problem is me! I’ve realized that potential diversions will always be there, so it’s up to me to figure out how to focus on what’s important. When it comes to being with another person, this means putting away or turning off anything—cell phones, cameras, tablets, the television, talk radio—that’s going to create an obstacle to truly engaging. And while being fully attentive to guests isn’t exactly a novel idea, I think we need this reminder now more than ever, at a time when we’re able to sit in a room with one person, while also being connected with tens, hundreds, thousands, or even millions of other people all at once. The wabi-sabi way can be a helpful antidote to this scatterbrained approach to living, reminding us of the extraordinary value of taking in just one simple thing at a time.
Let Guests Participate
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Welcoming guests into your home is a beautiful opportunity to create a sense of belonging, and one of the best ways to inspire this feeling is to let them participate. This can be a fine line to walk, since company should feel totally taken care of, but I think inviting people to play a part in your home or special occasion (besides just showing up, of course) means that they leave with a distinct sense of having contributed. Whether that means bringing a bottle of wine, arranging a bouquet, tossing the salad, or watching the kids in the backyard, participating makes everyone more present and attentive and allows your guests to get involved rather than passively consume the experience. And while you may have friends who would rather just kick back, I generally find that people feel more comfortable when they have a specific role to fulfill. Embracing wabi-sabi also frees us from feeling as though everything must be picture-perfect when guests arrive; though it’s perhaps an unconventional approach to entertaining etiquette, I think giving your friends or family the sense of being needed is more important than placing dinner on the table the moment they arrive (though you probably shouldn’t leave the entire meal for visitors to prepare). A good way to get everyone involved is to take a moment to think about what unique talent each guest might be able to contribute—who knows a killer salad dressing recipe? who has exceptional taste in cheese?—and make use of that talent. You’ll find that asking visitors to contribute their gifts is truly a gift to them!
