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“It’s so convenient that your room is right next to mine,” Jonathan said one afternoon when they for once were in Maria’s bed and not his.
He smiled and kissed her naked shoulder. Maria moved closer to him, and he started kissing her neck.
“Yes, I couldn’t believe my luck when you asked me to move in here,” Maria said, smiling at him.
They pulled apart at the sound of loud banging on the door.
“What?” Jonathan yelled, annoyed.
“There is a messenger from Lord Helmholdt. He says that it is urgent,” someone said on the other side of the door.
Jonathan sighed and got up quickly, putting on his riding clothes. They had gone for a ride and then Jonathan had decided that he might as well help Maria undress.
“I really hope it’s nothing of importance your brother wants to annoy me with now,” he said and hastened out the door.
***
Maria took her time calling her chambermaid and getting dressed. By the time she was finished, a servant showed up and asked her to come to Jonathan's chambers. She tried to conceal a smile, but it was completely impossible.
“Sit down,” Jonathan said as soon as she had closed the door to her room behind her. His tone and manner had altered completely. He seemed withdrawn and his tone of voice was stern and to the point.
Maria sat down opposite him, not sure what to expect, besides that it was clearly bad news.
Jonathan had some pieces of parchment in his hands that he spread out across the table between them. He didn’t say anything. At first Maria didn’t know what the problem was, then she recognized her own letters to Margaret. She picked one up, where she could see that Gustaf or someone else had encircled the words in the code, so the message was now clear to read.
Maria looked at Jonathan, who didn’t look at her.
“I...” she began.
“I don’t want to hear any of your excuses,” he interrupted her, holding up his hand to stop her from speaking.
“But you have to let me explain...” she said.
“What is there to explain?” Jonathan cut her off. “You’ve been helping your brother all this time. I thought that I could trust you...”
“You can now. I only helped Gustaf because he promised me that I could join a convent. But then I got to know you and ... I would never help him again...”
Jonathan shook his head, looking down at all the letters on the table. Then he looked back up. Maria felt almost startled by the expression in his eyes. They seemed to be a darker shade of green and they held a look of... not anger, but deep sorrow.
“It doesn’t matter now. I know that I can’t trust you, and now I know that I never will,” Jonathan said tonelessly and turned his back to her.
Maria got up angrily.
“Can’t you see that this is just him trying to get a wedge between us?” she said. “He has obviously learned that Peter is supporting you, and he knows how much I can help you, that is why he is trying to pull us apart now...”
Jonathan still had his back turned to her, looking out the window. It seemed that all the muscles in his body were tense.
“I don’t care anymore about you or your brother. I want you to leave now,” he ordered. She wasn’t certain whether the clipped tone of his voice was barely concealed anger or a deeply-felt hurt. It could be both.
Maria walked slowly around the table, as if he was a wild animal that she needed to be careful around. She should leave him alone, the rational part of her said, but she couldn’t. She needed to touch him. She needed to make him understand.
“Jonathan, I will do anything, please. These letters, they don’t even...” she began.
“I don’t want to hear it,” Jonathan said in a low voice and moved away from her. “Just leave me alone.”
He stepped away from her.
“Jonathan,” Maria pleaded again, taking a step towards him, but then stopped. “I wrote them in the beginning. When we were first married.”
Jonathan didn’t respond to this.
“You hated me too,” Maria couldn’t help but defend herself.
“You think that this is because you wrote the letters to begin with?” Jonathan said and stepped towards her. Suddenly Maria wished that he had remained where he was with his back to her. His eyes were gleaming with rage.
“You think I didn’t consider the possibility that you might be spying for your brother?”
He was closer now. Maria couldn’t help but take a step back.
“I asked you, Maria,” he said in a hoarse voice. “I asked you, whether you told Gustaf about us not consummating the marriage, and you said no...”
He ran a hand over his face and didn’t look at her.
“And I trusted you,” he whispered. “I looked into your eyes, and I thought I saw the truth...”
His voice trailed off as he abruptly walked away from her again. Turning his back to her as he once again faced one of the windows.
“Please leave,” he said again.
“Jonathan, I love you!” Maria hadn’t told him before. But he had to know, he needed to, now.
“Leave right now!” Jonathan yelled, spun around, and pointed at the door to Maria’s room. Maria quickly left the room. A moment after she had closed the door, she could hear Jonathan lock it behind her.
She took a deep, heaving breath. She couldn’t cry. Not here. Not right in front of the door, where he would most likely be able to hear her. But her legs wouldn’t carry her, and she sank to the floor, weeping as silently as she could.
***
Jonathan stood frozen for a moment with his hand on the key. It was still in the lock. All it took for him to go to her was that he turned it and walked inside. He could hear her weeping on the other side. She probably thought that she was being silent, but she wasn’t.
Or maybe she didn’t care whether she was being silent. Maybe her tears were part of her big act to lure him to her, to get him to trust her. Jonathan yanked the key out of the lock and threw it at the opposite wall. He was never going to use that door again.
He went to his desk and sat down behind it, his elbows resting on the table, his face hidden behind his hands. He had trusted her. If only she had told him herself. Now he would never trust her again.
She had said that she loved him. She could have no idea how many times he had wished to hear her say those words, but now he couldn’t even believe them. She would say all sorts of things to get him to trust her again, wouldn’t she? That she loved him, that she was loyal to him...
Jonathan swept all the papers from his desk. To hell with Maria and to hell with her brother. He stood up so abruptly that the chair fell to the floor. He needed to be anywhere but here. He practically ran out the door, startling the guards positioned there.
He almost laughed as he hurried down the hallway. Why did he even bother with the guards? Lord Helmholdt could just have asked Maria to kill him. He had given her a thousand opportunities the past few weeks.
It wasn’t until he saw the surprised looks on Anna’s and Valdemar’s faces that he realized that he had barged into their common room without knocking.
“I need to speak to you now,” he said to Valdemar, without looking at Anna. He didn’t know why but looking into Anna’s eyes might undo him. He might start pouring his heart out to her, but he needed to be angry right now.
“Now, Valdemar!” he yelled when Valdemar wasn’t quick enough.
He turned as Valdemar and Anna spoke in hushed voices. He could feel them glancing at him from time to time, but he still refused to look at Anna.
“Jonathan, what’s going on?” Anna said and stepped towards him.
“I’ll be in the stables,” he said to Valdemar. “I expect you to be there within the next five minutes.”
Jonathan ran from their room, not realizing that he wasn’t wearing a cloak until he reached the courtyard. He hurried to the stables and told the groom in a brusque tone to ready his and Valdemar’s mounts – and could he please have someone bring him his cloak from his room. He was pretty sure that he remembered to say please, even though his tone was still too harsh.
He paced the other end of the stables as the groom worked. Finally, Valdemar joined him.
“What’s going on?” he said breathlessly.
Jonathan looked at him. No, he couldn’t look at him either. The concern was evident in his eyes.
“We’re going for a ride,” he said.
“Jonathan?” Valdemar said quizzically, and put his hand on his arm.
“Don’t,” Jonathan said and quickly moved away. “We’re going for a ride,” he repeated, looking Valdemar straight in the eyes. “And when we come back, everything will be as it was before Maria and I went to visit Lord Goodwin.”