| |
The freezing wind seemed to find its way through her clothes no matter how many layers Maria put on. She was practically wearing all of the clothes that had been packed for her when she left for the island, but it was still not enough.
Maria tucked the shawl tightly around her neck and lower face. Only her eyes and nose were visible. She could of course stay inside, but with Anna weeping in a corner the walls of the small hunting cottage seemed to close in on her, as if they wanted to suffocate her. Only the grey skies hovering above her provided a room that was large enough. This was also the only place that she could be alone.
Valdemar was dead. Jonathan’s only brother. Anna's husband. And it was her fault. By warning Gustaf, she had exposed Valdemar. Neither Jonathan nor Anna would ever forgive her; she was sure of it. And they shouldn’t. She would never be able to forgive herself either.
Maria sped up and caught the first glimpse of the hunting cottage. She longed for the warmth inside, even though the cottage wasn’t built for use in the winter. It was damp and uninsulated. Jonathan usually only used it in the autumn to go hunting for a couple of weeks with some friends. This was the place that Jonathan had chosen to send her. Where he thought that she would do the least harm.
It probably was. How could she have helped Gustaf? How could she not have seen that this was exactly what he was going to do?
Maria felt she could lean into the wind as she walked across the last stretch of frozen sand to get to the cottage. She hadn’t seen Jonathan since the church and would probably never see him again. If he won the war, he would most likely seek the annulment. If she ever saw Gustaf and Margaret again, it would be as their prisoner.
Next to the cottage was a small stable where the guards kept two horses and where Arabella was stabled. Jonathan had been kind enough to let her bring the horse. She felt that it was too cold to ride, but she visited the horse every day. It was the only being she could talk to.
Anna refused to answer any of her questions and would only speak to her via the lady that cooked and cleaned for them. Maria assumed that Jonathan had sent Anna with her to keep an eye on her. But it seemed a cruel punishment on both of them.
“Why did I write the letter, Arabella?” Maria whispered into the horse’s warm neck, its soft fur tickling her lips. “Why did I want to save Gustaf? How could he kill Valdemar?”
The horse didn’t answer, of course, but its calm presence helped Maria when she fought the tears running down her cheeks - with no luck. They streamed down her cheeks and all the thoughts that she had tried to suppress seemed to be whirled up with them. The image of Jonathan smiling and laughing. Valdemar looking tenderly at Anna. Anna reached for Maria’s hand and trying to comfort her when they had talked of their fears that their husbands would never return from war. She had ruined all of it.
Maria kept standing next to Arabella with her head hidden at the horse’s neck. She was slowly able to calm herself down, and when she felt sure that it wasn’t possible to see that she had been crying she entered the cottage.
The lady that cooked and cleaned helped her get out of her cloak and shawls and Maria curled up in a blanket next to the roaming fire. She glanced at Anna who was sitting motionless in a chair, in a corner furthest away from the fire. She hadn’t looked at Maria once since she had entered.
“It’s dreadfully cold outside,” Maria said to Anna.
“I’m sure it is,” the woman answered and exited to the kitchen with Maria’s damp clothes.
“You wouldn’t want to go outside,” Maria said to Anna.
She didn’t look at her. Her green eyes stared into nothingness. They had lost all the spark that had been there before.
“Anna, I’m so sorry...” Maria began.
Anna stood up abruptly, the blanket she had been wrapped in falling to the floor. She left the room without saying a word. Maria could hear the door to Anna’s bedroom close.
Maria closed her eyes. She couldn’t believe that Jonathan had sent Anna there. She knew he was angry with her, he probably hated her, but she couldn’t believe that he would be this cruel to Anna.
There was a bark of laughter from the kitchen. Maria looked at the closed door. The guards were usually sitting out there, as close to the fire as the woman would let them.
Maria had only had news of the war when the guards changed a week ago. They would change again tomorrow and hopefully the new guards would have more news. There had been a battle; that much she understood. But no one had won, and no one had lost. Jonathan and Gustaf were still circling around each other like two predators trying to decide the best way to attack but unable to do so.
She walked to one of the small windows in the cabin. Through the window she could see the small harbor where the boat that was their lifeline to the mainland was anchored. Beneath the window was a shelf that she used as a desk. On it was a piece of parchment, an unfinished letter. Only four words on it so far:
“Dear Jonathan,
I’m sorry...”
Wrapping the blanket tightly around her legs, she sat down. Even though the woman continually tried to fix the cracks in the walls by stuffing them with cloth and wood shavings and kept the fire roaring day and night it was still bitterly cold. If Jonathan had meant the cabin as a metaphor for his emotions, he certainly couldn’t have picked a better place.
At the thought of Jonathan, Maria saw Valdemar’s dead cold face before her eyes. As he had been laying in the church, he had looked like he was sleeping. It was a cliché, but if it hadn’t been for his paleness Maria wouldn’t have believed that he was dead. He had looked even younger too, than he was in real life.
The memory forced Maria to return to her letter. She wanted Jonathan to know that she didn’t have anything to do with Valdemar’s death. But could she really write that? After all it was her fault that he was dead, wasn’t it?
The only thing she could honestly write to Jonathan was that she didn’t mean for Valdemar to die – and that she was sorry, of course. She wrote it, even though she knew that it wouldn’t change his mind. She couldn’t blame him. It seemed like she had gotten her wish of a peaceful life, except that the two people who mattered most to her, Jonathan and Anna, would never speak to her again.
***
She didn’t know whether it was the stomachache or the darkness that had awoken her. The stomachache wasn’t too bad, so it might have been the darkness. It was so massive that she felt it could be cut with a knife. The fire had gone out and she called for the woman who tended to them. She could hear the terror in her own voice. The sound reminded her of her childhood winters. Or was it the stomachache? Or the loneliness?
The door was slammed open and one of her guards stood in her room. He had snowflakes in his beard and on his clothes. He was closely followed by the female servant who began finding Maria’s clothes, as he said:
“Your Majesty, we have to go now, Lord Helmholdt’s army is on their way here.”
Maria jumped out of bed and was quickly helped into some clothes by the servant. Then she and the guards hurried out of the house towards the small dock where the boat was anchored.
“Arabella!” Maria said. “I cannot leave without her.”
“We can’t bring a horse,” the guard that had first fetched her yelled against the wind. But Maria wouldn’t give in. Arabella had been a loyal companion through all this, and she couldn’t leave her here. If she did, she would probably never see her again. The guard quickly realized that it would be easier to get the horse and bring it on the boat than to argue with Maria.
As a couple of men ran to the stable to fetch Arabella, Maria, Anna, and the other guards made their way to the boat. The moon was full and shining brightly and Maria could clearly see the ships on the sea sailing towards the island. Did Gustaf want her as a prisoner? Maria couldn’t think of any other reason that he would come for her.
The two men arrived with Arabella just as the other men were untying the last towlines from the small wooden dock on the island. Arabella jumped calmly and gracefully aboard the boat and Maria felt so proud. They wouldn’t have had time to convince a stubborn and frightened horse to get on the boat. The ships were getting nearer faster than Maria had thought.
The men rowed with all the strength they could muster while Maria held on to Arabella's halter. Anna sat motionless in the bottom of the boat. She hadn’t said a word since they left the cottage.
The horse was definitely uneasy by the haste and the uneven movements of the boat. Maria spoke to her in a soft tone to calm her down. She pleaded silently with the horse. It had to behave now. They had to get away.
One of the guards cried out and pointed. They all turned, and Maria could see the ships changing directions towards them.
They reached open water and the waves were getting bigger. It was more difficult for the men to keep the pace in the rough sea. One of the men were setting a sail, but it was difficult due to the fierce wind. The sail fluttered in the wind. Even though Arabella had remained calm at first this was too much for her. She whinnied, frightened, and stepped on the spot.
“Keep the horse calm!” one of the guards screamed.
Maria had trouble holding on to Arabella’s halter. Anna got up and got a hold on it on the other side.
“Why did you have to bring the damn horse?” she asked through clenched teeth. Maria didn’t answer. She was so focused on holding on to Arabella.
The boat keeled in the sea and Arabella could bear it no longer. She jumped off the side, taking Maria and Anna with her. The cold water pressed all the air out of Maria’s lungs, all of the air out of her entire body.
Her numb fingers clung to Arabella’s halter, as she felt that it was desperately important that she didn’t get separated from the horse in the roaring sea. The horse was swimming and Maria had to make sure that she didn’t get in the way of its strong legs.
She could hear the men screaming and shouting on the boat, but only when they had gotten further away and she for a brief moment had her head above water did she realize that it wasn’t her they were calling for. They were screaming for their lives. The smaller boats from Gustaf’s ship had reached them and they were clearly outnumbered by the other men. Even in the darkness Maria could feel how they showed them no mercy.
It was only a glimpse, then it was gone, and she had to face the cold and dark water again. Sometimes she could see Anna bouncing up and down on the other side of Arabella.
She got a hold of Arabella's mane and used all of her powers to get on the back of the horse. She reached down to Anna.
“Grab my arm,” she screamed. For a moment she thought that Anna would refuse to talk to her even now. Then Anna grabbed her arm just below her elbow and Maria gripped her arm as tightly as she could. She used all her power to drag Anna onto Arabella.
The horse swam steadily in the water, but it still seemed like they were not getting anywhere. More than once a wave soared over them and all three came under water for a moment. It seemed impossible for them to rescue themselves. Maria had no idea how far they were from the shore. The mainland could be seen from the island, but it was still a long way to swim.
Maria closed her eyes. Maybe it was impossible. Maybe she, Anna and Arabella were to drown. At least she would have escaped whatever scheme Gustaf wanted to use her for now. And she would never have to face Jonathan's indifference towards her again. But she saw his face when he was smiling at her, the way that he had been able to send her a look of love through a crowded room. No, she wasn’t ready to give up on him.
“Swim, Arabella,” she screamed against the wind. “Swim as fast as you can.”
She looked back and saw one of the smaller boats turning towards them now. The men were working hard, and it seemed difficult for them to maneuver the boat in the rough waters, but they were still faster than Arabella.