Ato slowly gets up. I won’t succumb to his pleas.
“Eury. We are meant to be together,” he says. “In time, you will accept this. I’m only protecting you.”
“No!” His eyes are black coals. His face is a demonic mask. “Don’t come any closer. You are not real. You’re a nightmare, and I will wake up soon.”
“No, Eury, don’t do this,” Ato begs. “I implore you. Don’t shun me. You are mine.”
I am his? I am a thing, a possession, like this house filled with familiar objects. Ato confirms my fears.
“I belong to no one,” I say.
Ato’s face shifts again from remorse to anger. He clenches his jaw.
“I will give you time but not long. A bit of space to change this way of thinking,” he says. “Just remember, you are meant to be by my side for eternity.”
He walks away. I stand clutching the knife until the dense brush overtakes his body and he is no longer visible.
The llorosa doesn’t move. It’s so small.
I cradle the bird in my hands. Her companions have not returned. I can’t allow them to find her this way. I dig a hole into the soil big enough to contain the bird.
Wait.
I’ve buried a llorosa before. I try desperately to remember. When? When did this happen?
I close my eyes and search deep in my thoughts for this memory. There is an unmoving llorosa, and I am distraught. Who was with me at the time?
Think.
A hand on my shoulder comforted me as I wept. A person who cared for me. No, there was more than one person. And it wasn’t here. It was in El Yunque. Ato had killed a llorosa in El Yunque. But who consoled me after his hideous act? If only I could lift the persistent fog blanketing my mind …
I place the llorosa into the hole and cover the bird with soil, saying a prayer not only for the llorosa but for guidance to get me out from under this unending horror. I am lost, but perhaps if I repeat the petition, I will find the right path.
A prayer to bring back lost memories. There are people who love me. Maybe they are thinking of me right now.
The once-dormant wind stirs. In the far distance, storm clouds form. The sudden change in the weather feels foreboding. I don’t know why, but I can’t be here when the storm reaches. I’m not safe. I must leave.
Inside, I find a backpack in a closet. I take a blanket and a change of clothes. These items are mine, but in a way they do not seem real. I place them into the backpack. I am afraid everything I touch will disintegrate.
I head to the river.
Masses of dark clouds seem to increase in size with every second. I see no one. Not an animal. Not a bird. This strange place can’t be real.
I keep walking. It’s hard to calculate the time. My body can’t possibly survive without food or drink, and yet, here I am. The voices in my head continue to shrill, alerting me that this is all wrong. But I can’t dissolve into inactivity. An answer lies somewhere. I will walk until I find it.
What would happen if I swam along the river? Would my body eventually give up after such a long stretch? There is nothing for me to swim to. Not a boat or a dinghy. I wish the llorosas would come back. At least they are familiar. Their chirps were a reminder of another time and place.
There must be someone else on this island. It is much too big to house only Ato and me. I will find a person to help get me away. Ato will do the same to me that he did to la llorosa. I can feel it.
The longer I walk, the more it feels as if I am barely making any headway. My legs ache. I need to stop. I sit down on the dirt, grab a handful, and let it sift through my fingers. I have to keep moving, but this tiredness weighs me down. If I rest for only a little bit, I should still be able to outrun the start of this storm. The dark clouds are still a ways from me. It’s so hard for me to stay awake. I’m so tired.
Maybe if I rest for a second.
My eyes grow heavy. I give in.
A noise startles me awake. I’m no longer by the river. I’m back inside the house on the bed I share with Ato. The space beside me feels warm as if he just woke up. I turn to grab the knife I had tucked into my belt loop, but it is no longer there. Instead I am wearing a dress. It’s hard to breathe.
I was by the river, walking away from the storm. This I remember. If I repeat these sentences, surely I will not give in to this delusion.
There is movement inside the house. Ato is here. He is the cause of this. I look around the room for a weapon, but the bedroom dresser has been stripped of everything. The walls are also bare.
I step out of the room to find Ato standing by the open front door, his back to me. If I run to the kitchen, will it be enough time to get the knife? No. It is too far away.
“I’ve put away the knives,” Ato says as if he’s reading my mind. “You won’t need them.”
I’m a prisoner here. There are no more tears left. I can walk for hours and still find myself right back where I started. Ato knew this. He let me play this game of hope. I won’t cry or fall apart although my heart pounds out of control. I must remain calm.
“Why keep me here when I don’t want to be with you?” I ask. “It’s not right. Can’t you see?”
He doesn’t turn around.
“Do you remember when we first met? Your father had left you. You were so angry. You thought perhaps if you destroyed the gift he gave you then it would hurt him,” he says. “You were so little. So you used a cane from this yard and started to hit the doll.”
I slump down to the living room floor. My memories are not fully formed; they are only glimpses. Feelings. The anger I can remember. The tears that ran down my cheeks as I hit the doll I recall too. Mami was inside the house submitting to her own sorrow.
“It rained, but you refused to take cover,” Ato continues. “Instead, you wished your father dead. I was with you.”
I don’t remember him sitting next to me or the rain. I only remember hitting the doll. I’ve blocked everything about Papi. How he looked in the mornings when he sat to drink his cafecito on the porch. How he liked to listen to his boleros loudly on Sundays while everyone went to church. Ato sprang from my anger. He came to me when I wanted to hate. What does it mean to attract violence into your life? Is that what I’m meant to live with forever?
“You will eat today.”
He turns to me. His face is erased. A blur. I can’t make him out. I rub my eyes and try to see Ato for what he is, but it’s not possible. It is as if I’m watching cuts of an unfocused movie.
“I don’t want you to be sick anymore, Eury. To be in such pain,” he says. “Unlike all the others, I will not abandon you. You see that now, don’t you? This is all for you. No more sadness. We’ll stay here forever as it was meant to be.”
Forever. I weep until I feel nothing.