There is a sudden drop in the temperature. Clouds form above us. A raindrop lands softly on my hand. Then another. I shift my view. Ato stands across the way. In his hand, he holds a wildflower similar to the one I now clutch. My eyes are not playing tricks. Ato is right there. He’s found me.
“Eury,” Ato says. He inches closer. I look down at his bare feet. The cowrie shell bracelet I gave him years ago still hangs around his slender ankle. His soles never touch the ground. Tremors overtake my body.
“I’ve missed you,” Ato says. “It’s time.”
He reaches out with his smooth hand, urging me to take it.
“No! No!” I scream.
I don’t know where I’m going. I just run. The rain comes down in torrents with flashes of lightning striking across the sky. My heart pounds uncontrollably.
“Eury, wait!” Pheus yells.
I won’t stop. I have to get away. I push back against the crowd of people trying to find shelter. I must hide. I see a building and head toward it.
“Wait!”
Pheus yanks my arm, pulling me away before cyclists and joggers trample over me.
“Eury, what happened?” he asks. “What’s going on?”
Tears sting my eyes. I keep looking back. I don’t see Ato anymore, but I sense he’s near. He’s waiting to take me. This park is too expansive. I must hide.
“Please,” I say. “I have to get out of here.”
Pheus grabs my hand, and we race across the park. The rain drenches us completely. He leads me toward the street. I stumble when my sneakers cause me to slip, but Pheus quickly helps me up.
“Let’s go,” he says. We don’t wait for the light to change. Instead, Pheus charges into traffic. We are in a video game, dodging cars as they honk for us to get out of the way. We reach the building, a modern church befitting the neighborhood. The doors to the church are locked. Pheus’s breath is as out of control as mine. My hand still holds what is left of the flower.
“Are you okay?” Pheus asks.
I don’t know what to say. Do I tell him the truth? Pheus looks at me with such concern. I won’t bring this to him. I can’t do it.
“I’m sorry. I’m afraid of thunder.” If I keep my eyes down, he won’t notice the lie.
“It’s more than just thunder. You saw something. Someone.”
Pheus tries to connect with me. I shake my head.
“It was the thunder.”
He pauses for a beat or two. I can’t look at him.
“Okay. Let’s wait it out then,” he says. “The sun is peeking from between the clouds. The storm will be over soon. It will only be a matter of time.”
Pheus pulls out a napkin from his pocket and hands it to me. I use the napkin to dry my face and catch the tears running down my cheeks.
Ato is here. I don’t know what to do. I want to be safe more than anything. What if it’s not possible?
“What can I do to help you feel better?” Pheus says. “You can talk to me.”
His words are like punches. He sounds like Ato with his empty promises of taking care of me. Pheus is no knight on a white horse charging toward a dragon. He can’t help me.
“Don’t worry about me,” I say with more anger than I intend.
“Hey, Eury, hey.” He stands in front of me. I keep my eyes glued to my sneakers.
“What’s going on?” Pheus says. “I don’t understand. Did I say something to upset you?”
When you’ve walked around with a secret for so long, the weight of it eventually becomes manageable. You easily make room for it. The secret itself feels like a living organism you feed with more elaborate lies. No, it’s more like a tumor. Ato is my tumor and I don’t know how to eradicate him.
This is selfish, to invite Pheus into my problems. I can’t lean on him or anyone. I just can’t.
“I’m fine,” I say. “It was the thunder.”
Pheus’s phone buzzes. It’s Penelope.
“Don’t tell her what happened,” I say. The confusion on his face continues to grow. This favor seems small, but I am pitting him against my own blood. It’s not fair or right. I do it anyway.
“No. We went for a walk. Where you guys at?” Pheus reassures Penelope. “I’ll call you right back. The connection here is not great.” He lowers his head. Now Pheus is complicit in my lie. Another layer of guilt to add to the many I carry.
The smell of rain is replaced by his. The smell of beach, of a summery day. Pheus has long eyelashes. I return to when I first heard him sing. Even in the middle of the drama with Melaina, I felt it was only the two of us on the beach. We connected somehow. This doesn’t happen every day.
“Can we stay here a little longer?” I can’t face Penelope. Although she loves me, Penelope will probably tell Titi what happened. She, in turn, will tell mom. Titi Sylvia will bring up seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist, even medication. I don’t want to go down that path. Mami says medication can cloud my brain. What if she’s right? I need to be alert whenever Ato reappears. I can’t afford to doubt what I see. Therapy and meds may work for others, but I’m scared that I might be an exception.
“We can stay here all day. Time means nothing in the summer.” Pheus sits on the church steps. The rain is dwindling down.
A man with a cart filled with children’s toys comes around the corner and joins us. The man dries the toys one by one. The umbrella attached to the cart was able to save most of his items. He, on the other hand, is worse off than us.
Pheus digs into his pocket and pulls out his wallet. He offers the man money, and in return, the man gives him a rainbow-colored pinwheel.
“One time when I was acting bratty, I wanted one of these. Pops didn’t have any money, so he said no. I threw myself on the floor, right there, smack-dab on the sidewalk,” Pheus says. “People had to walk around me. Pops waited until I had it out of my system. When I was done, he told me I was going to be in for a long, hard life if every time I didn’t get what I wanted, I dropped to the ground.”
He spins the pinwheel. The emerging sun catches the vibrant colors.
“What do you think? Maybe Pops should have just gotten me the damn pinwheel.”
He hands me the pinwheel. I crave silliness now more than ever. If I told Pheus about Ato, how would he react? I can’t even tell Penelope the whole truth. Why would I confide in Pheus just because he is showing me kindness?
It was my fault. I forgot to pray. Mami said I can calm my mind with prayers. I forgot to recite them while I ran. I need to add more prayers to my arsenal.
Maybe it was the park itself. If the park was built on hate, perhaps Ato can feel the violence. I don’t know. I’m searching for any type of reason, for weapons I can use against an evil spirit. I’m ridiculous.
“I’m not one to lie to my friends,” Pheus eventually says. “Especially Penelope.”
“You’re right. I shouldn’t have asked you to. I’m sorry. There are things I’m still trying to make sense of. I don’t want my family to worry,” I say. “I do need help. This is true. I’m just not sure the way they’re going about getting me help is working.”
Pheus rubs the back of his neck.
“If you aren’t talking to Penelope or your mom, who are you talking to?” he asks. “There are things, for sure, I don’t tell my parents. But most of the time, I can talk to them about anything. And if not, I can turn to my friends. Who’s got your back, Eury, if you’re not allowing the people who love you the opportunity to help?”
If only it were that simple.
“Do you believe in God?” I ask.
“My father believes there are spirits that guide you in this life and the next,” he says. “He does this mix of Catholicism and Santería and Buddhism. It’s whatever works for him. My mom doesn’t, although she grew up Baptist.”
“And you?”
“I don’t know. I think we got this life, so we better make the best of it,” he says. “But hey, if prayers or churches bring you peace, then do you. What do I know?”
Pheus would never understand how Ato came to be. The only remedy I have is a belief that perhaps something out there will save me. Incantations to protect those I love. Prayers may be useless, but I have no other choice.
“You don’t believe in spirits or ghosts. Demons?” I ask. Perhaps I feel braver standing with Pheus by this church. I am testing the water to see where Pheus’s truth lands.
“No,” he says. “I only believe in what I see. In hard work.”
He pauses.
“Wait, what does that have to do with the thunder?”
His response only proves my instincts are right. He would never understand.
A woman dressed in a frumpy suit steps out of the rectory.
“May I help you?” she asks with a stern face.
“We’re taking a break from the rain,” Pheus says.
“Mass starts at 4 p.m. today. Please come back then.”
“Isn’t this church for the community?” Pheus says. “I’m part of the community.”
The woman asks us to leave.
“I guess people like us are only allowed to borrow snippets of this city,” Pheus says loudly. “It’s only on loan, even a church.”
Penelope and Jaysen are across the street. My heart has slowed back to a normal rate. The sun shines brightly. Ato is nowhere to be found.
“Thank you, Pheus,” I say. My hand still holds the pinwheel.
“I got your back,” he says before Jaysen and Penelope reach us. “No matter what.”
My smile feels foreign. When was the last time I actually felt happy? Happiness has been unattainable for so long. But it wasn’t always like this. Ato was my friend first. He was there when Papi left me. He stored my fears and secrets. I trusted him like Pheus right now is asking me to confide in him. But for Ato, friendship always meant possession.
Ato sits beside me underneath a grand flamboyán. Red petals sprinkle the ground before us. A couple of the petals even grace our bare toes. We are protected from the light shower drizzling down from above. Although it is raining, the sun still shines brightly. We sit in anticipation of a rainbow.
“There might be a treasure at the end,” I say. “We should find out.”
“You are the treasure.” Ato taps his feet against mine. I stick my tongue out at him. He is so serious when he talks like that. It’s a little silly.
There is a clanging of pots coming from inside the house as Mami prepares dinner. A few weeks ago, Mami told me to stop talking about my imaginary friend. At eleven years old I’m too old for such foolishness, she said. I’m learning to keep Ato to myself.
A neighborhood boy runs up to us. His name is Mateo. I like him. Sometimes at school Mateo will let me play with his Nintendo DS. He is always very sweet to me.
“What are you doing?” Mateo asks. His round face is flushed from running.
“Nothing, just waiting for a rainbow to appear,” I say.
“Oh.” He sits down beside me. Ato glares at Mateo. He doesn’t like people interrupting our time together. Ato thinks everyone is out to get me, but Mateo is not like that. I ignore Ato’s reaction and talk to Mateo.
“Did you finish your homework?” I ask.
“It was easy,” Mateo says. I nod in agreement. Ato bristles and suddenly stands.
“Tell him to go away. Tell him you are busy.”
I don’t listen to Ato. Mateo is a friend. I don’t have many. The kids in school think I’m too quiet and a little weird.
A fruit from the tree across the way drops to the ground.
“I’m hungry,” Mateo says. “We should eat some. Don’t worry, I’ll get it.”
Mateo gets up, heads to the tree, and starts to climb.
“Leave him alone. He’s not doing anything,” I tell Ato, who continues to stare at him.
Mateo straddles the tree like a monkey. He reaches a branch and slowly crawls over it, managing to stand. He stretches toward a dangling guanábana and says, “This one looks ready.”
I smile at Mateo, but when I turn to Ato, his whole face changes. His eyes are completely black. And his face … His face appears to erase itself, like someone used a pencil to blur his features.
I shake my head. I must be seeing things.
Suddenly, a gust of wind picks up. Mateo, unable to keep his balance, falls from the tree. He cries out, and I run to him. Tears roll down Mateo’s cheeks as he clutches his ankle.
“It hurts so much,” Mateo cries. I don’t know what to say.
“I told you to send him away.” Ato’s face is normal again, but he has a scary smile. Mateo continues to moan while a knot forms in the pit of my stomach.
Pheus stands before me, offering me his hand, and I’m not sure if this offering comes with a price. I’m in fear of what tomorrow will bring. Another storm to destroy everything I love. A wind to carry me away from this place.
What will Ato do to Pheus or to Penelope? I can’t involve them in this. I can’t.
“You guys think you’re slick, but you’re not fooling me. Hiding out over here,” Penelope says. “What should we do now?”
“I want to go home,” I say. Penelope’s face drops.
If I stay indoors, I might have a chance of protecting myself. I don’t know how this works. There is no book to detail what Ato is or why he is coming after me. There is only me pretending to know what I’m doing.
“Okay,” Penelope says. “Let’s go.”
We head toward the nearest train station. Pheus walks alongside me.