Ella stared into the fire as it spat and crackled. Her eyes concentrated on the sparks that formed a pattern on the back of the grate, before disappearing and having others take their place. She had never felt so lonely in her life as she had these last two weeks. Had it already been that long since Paddy had died?
Ella shuddered and exhaled a long sigh. Today was the funeral, delayed this long because there were so many funerals that the undertakers couldn’t cope. Miss Embury had sorted out everything and would be here at any moment to pick up Ella and take her to the church.
How she was going to find the strength to endure the ordeal of saying goodbye to Paddy, she didn’t know. Weakness was her constant companion, although she had been declared clear of the influenza virus now.
Her tears threatened to overspill once more, as the last spark of the fire went out. It seemed to symbolize the final part of the young woman she’d been, when she had come home from war. Strong, healthy and ready to take on the aftermath and put everything right with the world, she now found it difficult to get out of bed in the morning.
The doctor had said this was to be expected, after what she’d been through. He’d been embarrassed to find out that she’d been pregnant. But he gave her his condolences on losing the child.
Condolences hadn’t helped. Nothing could. She had cried so many times, but hadn’t found any release from the grief that engulfed her waking hours. If only I could hear further news of Paulo, that would help. Or feel strong enough to have Nanny home and care for her.
Nanny’s words visited Ella again. She felt certain that Mona was Nanny’s sister, but would a name be enough to go on, in order to find the woman – even supposing she was still alive? Nanny was sixty. Was her sister older? And the child that Nanny had conceived must have been when she was in her thirties, as she had indicated she had been banished not long after conceiving and had to take Ella with her. But no, none of that fitted. The timing was all wrong. If I was three when we left Poland and I’m twenty-three now, then we only left twenty years ago. Nanny would have been forty – not impossible to have had a child then, but . . . Oh, I don’t know, it is all so confusing.
A knock on the door gave some relief, as thinking things through increased the pain that was a constant in Ella’s head.
On opening the door, Ella found Miss Embury standing there, looking striking in black. Her small hat was veiled, covering her eyes. She wore a pencil-slim skirt to her calves and a flowing jacket with an astrakhan collar.
‘Hello, Ella, it’s a sad day, my dear. Are you all right? No, I can see that you’re not. Well, in all the sadness, I have good news. Come along and get into my cab and we can discuss it on the way.’
A small hope rose in Ella. She picked up her coat from where she’d placed it over a chair in the hall and wrapped it around her.
‘Here, let me help you. You will need your coat on. And have you a wrap that you can wear, too? I have both in the cab for myself.’
‘Yes, I have a fox fur. I’ll get it.’
Once they were on the way, Miss Embury told Ella how sorry she was that they had this duty to do today. ‘And to think there are no relatives to mourn Paddy – just you and me, the friends you told me about and a devastated young man.’
This shocked Ella. ‘Is the young man called Bobby?’
‘Yes. He came to the office. It was a coincidence really, though we do have so many people calling in to try and find friends and relatives – it is very sad. Anyway, he told us that he was looking for Bernadette and that he’d been to her home address, but neighbours had told him she had left there. He didn’t know where else to go, so he came to us.’
‘Oh, that is so sad. Paddy had tried to find Bobby, but had assumed he was in Germany. And then I was so locked up in my own troubles . . . Poor Paddy. I – I should have—’
‘There is always room for “should haves”, but they are an encumbrance we don’t need. None of us can be perfect, and I gather that you had a lot more on your mind than we all knew about. Was your child Officer Rennaise’s?’
Ella gasped, but then realized that of course the report that went to Miss Embury would have mentioned her condition. ‘No. I – I was raped. It happened a few months before we came home.’
‘Oh? Was that anything to do with you being found in the sea?’
‘Yes – everything, but I didn’t want to tell anyone. He was a friend, so no one would have believed me. I would have had fingers pointed at me. I just couldn’t deal with the disgrace.’
‘I understand that. Well, from what I read, he got what he deserved.’
Ella didn’t speak; she didn’t want to visit the memory of it all today.
‘And I agree, sometimes these things are best left alone. You have been through so much, Ella. And I won’t say I am pleased that you lost your baby. A life is a life.’
‘Thank you.’ Relief flooded through Ella.
Her thoughts were a turmoil concerning how she was to get through today, how she was to deal with Bobby, and a longing to find out how Paulo was – and, more than that, where he was.
‘Let’s talk of other things, Ella. You will be pleased to know that I have managed to get news of your Reginald Pattison. He has had an operation that went well. Of course he is still quite poorly and has a long way to go, but if you hadn’t helped him when you did, then he would have died. And probably in the streets, with no one around. That was very kind of you. His case is being used as an example of what we should be doing to help our desolate soldiers. He knows that you are not well, and what has happened to Paddy, so he isn’t expecting a visit from you. And we have taken on finding him a place to live. Not our usual remit, but we did it. I will give you all the details when I have them. His wife and child are moving in with him.’
‘Oh, that’s wonderful. I can’t tell you how that makes me feel.’
‘I know. It is one of our better outcomes. Now, while we are on the subject of assisting others, you are not to worry about helping out the Salvation Army. I have contacted Mr Wormington and he says you are welcome back when you are well enough, but I warned him that you may not be available even then. And that is because of my next, and most important, news . . . Officer Rennaise.’
Ella held her breath.
‘I saved this till last as I wanted to give you something to hang on to today. I have been informed that he has been moved to a convalescent home for officers – the Manor of Lockleys. It is near Welwyn in Hertfordshire, and is being run for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps officers, but they have agreed to take Officer Rennaise.’
‘Oh, that’s such good news. I can’t believe it, thank you. How is he?’
‘Initial reports on his health are very good. The hostel had kept him in traction, and that has made a difference. He is beginning to walk a little, and enjoys trips around the grounds – partly in a wheelchair, but often hopping out and pushing the chair, rather than sitting in it. I think you have a determined young man there, my dear. Here, I have the address for you in my bag. I hope you will visit as soon as you can. I so want a good outcome for you both. A much different and happier outcome than I had, and something to help you through all you are facing.’
Ella’s heart sang and she hoped that Paddy would be rejoicing with her, if she could.
‘I can’t thank you enough, Miss Embury. You have done so much for me.’
‘And you for me, but . . . well, anyway, I’m glad it looks as though it will all turn out well for you both.’
In the smile Miss Embury gave her, Ella knew that going against her own nature to help to find Paulo was like a salve to the older woman, and helped to make up for her own loss. Ella was glad of that.
At the graveside the bitter wind whipped around them. Bobby stood next to Ella. Never had she seen a face so devastated. Connie and Alan stood on her other side, and Daniel next to Alan. It was so good to see them. They had been contacted by Miss Embury, after Ella had told her about the friendship they had all formed.
Connie’s hand found hers as the coffin was lowered. Ella held on to it for all she was worth, as memories of the lovely Paddy assailed her. It was so cruel that she should be taken, but Ella hoped that Paddy was now reunited with her parents. Another cold hand came into hers, and she looked up at Bobby. Tears were streaming down his face. All Ella could do was grip his hand tightly. She needed his strength, as the knot inside her was almost harder to bear than the tears had been, but she couldn’t cry any more. She went through the motions, as required of her, to keep from showing how weak she felt.
Afterwards they were gathered in Miss Embury’s office, drinking hot tea and nibbling on a biscuit, when Connie asked how she was.
‘I don’t know how to begin to tell you, Connie. This has been such a blow to me, on top of being ill – it has taken all my stuffing from me.’
‘My poor Ella. We were so sorry to hear about Paddy and that you haven’t been well. And Miss Embury told us about Officer Rennaise. We would like to take you down to him, if you will accept? We are hoping to marry as soon as we can. Both of Alan’s sons are safe – Ronald and Patrick, they’re called. Patrick will be home in two weeks, as he has been discharged, but Ronald was with the conquering forces that went into Germany and it could be months before he comes home, as there is much to be done there.’
‘Oh dear, I’m sorry. And yes, I would love to accept your offer, thank you. I’d like to go very soon, if that’s all right? Have you both got jobs? Are you able to go at the weekend?’
‘I haven’t. I was exhausted, but both Alan and Daniel are working. In different hospitals, although Daniel has signed up for neurological surgical training, so he will be going back to college. He’ll probably tell you about it later. You know, I still want you to be my bridesmaid. I hope you are willing. I haven’t any sisters, and my cousins are all boys. I have one other friend I am going to ask. What do you think?’
‘I would love to, thank you.’
‘What are you two arranging?’ Miss Embury came over to them. ‘I hope it doesn’t clash with my plans. I have managed to get the award-ceremony evening sorted. It is to be on Monday. Oh, I know: celebrating anything is the last thing on your minds, but we should. We cannot let the bravery you all showed go unmarked. And there’s something I haven’t told you yet. I have been in contact with the officer who was in charge of Paddy – Bernadette – in Queen Alexandra’s nursing service. She is coming along to present Bernadette’s medal, as she feels it is fitting that it is done on the same evening, with all her friends receiving theirs. It has been the consensus that we want to ask you, Ella, to accept Bernadette’s medal. I have sought and been granted permission for this from the officer of Queen Alexandra’s.’
Ella didn’t know what to say. It would be lovely to have something of Paddy’s, but she wished Miss Embury had thought to have the medal buried with her.
‘I know what you are thinking, but if Bernadette had taken her medal with her to the grave, who would know of her bravery in the future?’
‘I think you are absolutely right, Miss Embury, and I think Ella should accept. What do you say, Ella?’
‘I say thank you, but no. I think Bobby should have it and should accept it on Paddy’s behalf.’
Bobby looked across at her. He hadn’t spoken much, but had stayed close to Ella. ‘Thank you, I would be honoured. I mean, if none of you object.’
‘That’s a very nice gesture, Ella, and I think that ultimately it is up to you. However, you will have to accept the medal, as it is all arranged now. But what you do with the medal is up to you.’
Bobby nodded at her and Ella accepted, but she became aware of how the room was beginning to feel very stuffy. ‘May I sit down, please? I’m still feeling very weak.’
For the next few minutes they fussed over her until she felt like screaming, but she didn’t. They didn’t deserve that of her.
Before they all left for home, it was confirmed that they would attend on Monday evening. The ceremony was to take place in a small room of the Plaza Hotel, which was just a few minutes from the Red Cross Headquarters. Ella was already dreading it. But before that, she would be seeing Paulo, and the excitement and joy of that overrode everything else.
Ella’s nerves clenched in her stomach as she alighted from Alan’s car and looked up at the Manor of Lockleys – an imposing square building made up of many windows.
‘We’ll let you go in on your own. Will you be all right?’
‘I will, Connie. I can’t thank you enough.’
‘No thanks needed. You’re very special to me, Ella. Now, we will go and find somewhere to stay. Alan and I will pick you up at six, so you have three hours with your Paulo. Then you can have another couple of hours in the morning, before we head back to London.’
‘That will be wonderful. I feel very nervous, but excited and happy, all at the same time.’
‘That sounds good. I know the feeling. The nervousness is part of not believing that such a good thing as love can happen to you. Especially not as suddenly as it did for you, Ella. But ours were exceptional circumstances. Death and loss surrounded us. Life seemed so tenuous, and our emotions were on a different level. But that doesn’t mean that sudden love cannot be lasting. I believe it can.’ Without her knowing it was going to happen, Ella found herself in Connie’s arms. ‘That goes for friendship love, too. And I’m so glad we found that, Ella.’
Ella held Connie close. ‘I am, too.’ The words came out on a choking sound, as the love and friendship she’d shared with Paddy revisited her. How painful it was to love. How very painful.
‘Go on, then. You’re getting me all soppy. Have a lovely time, darling Ella.’
As she neared the house, a voice that she had kept inside her head reached her. ‘Ella!’
Looking to her left, she saw him – her Paulo. Sitting in a wheelchair with a blanket around him, the low winter sun shining on him, his beautiful face smiling, his arms held out.
‘Paulo. Oh, Paulo.’ She ran to him, but then shyness overcame her, and slowed her step and increased her nervous state.
‘Ella. Oh, Ella, I have dreamed of this moment.’
The shyness passed and she was bent over and, for the first time, being held in Paulo’s arms. They clung together. Nothing marred the moment. It was as if they had known each other all their lives, and yet it contained the excitement of a new love.
When Ella came out of his arms, Paulo indicated that she should sit on his knee. The instant rapport they had found on first meeting was back.
‘Is that an honourable thing to ask a lady, Officer?’
‘No. It is very dishonourable, and what is more, it has dishonourable intentions, so be warned.’
Ella laughed out loud, something she had thought she would never do again. But then she felt a moment’s worry, as Paulo’s laugh ended abruptly in a fit of coughing.
‘Oh, Paulo – oh dear, we shouldn’t have joked. Are you all right?’
His reply came in short gasps. ‘I have to live with what’s happening to me. But never stop making me laugh; it is what I love about you . . .’ The words hung in the air between them. His hand pulled her to his knee, and his eyes sought hers. ‘I do love you, Ella.’
Did someone open the gate to heaven? Because the feeling that overcame Ella, on hearing this, seemed as divine as if the ultimate happiness had been showered on her. ‘Oh, Paulo, my Paulo, I love you, too.’
The way he held her had showed surprising strength. She clung to him as his arms pulled her close. After a moment Paulo eased her away, so that her face was looking into his. ‘Kiss me, Ella darling. Kiss me.’
Had she thought heaven had opened to her with his words? Now she knew the true feeling and depth of happiness, as their lips met. A tender touch at first, but one that deepened into a passionate drinking-in of each other.
‘Will you marry me, Ella?’
‘Yes.’
‘I haven’t much to offer, as I told you in my letter, but I will have a small pension. We will manage.’
‘I don’t care about all that. I have an allowance we can live on, and a flat in London. We will be all right. I just know that we need to be together.’
Once more Paulo held her to him.
The sound of footsteps drew them apart. A nurse approached. ‘Paulo, there you are. I have your medicine ready for you on your bedside table.’
‘Thank you, but I have all the medicine I need. This is my fiancée, Ella.’
‘Pleased to meet you, Ella. You are taking on a handful, with this one. He will never do as he is told.’
Ella laughed. ‘One of the things I love about him, his independent spirit.’
‘You can say that again. I have the devil’s own job getting his medication down him.’
‘But it makes me so drowsy. I promise I will take the next dose, but I would rather feel my pain and know that I am alive than be in a non-state.’
‘Right-o, it’s your decision. Look, I’ll keep the medicine to hand, and if you feel that you can’t cope, you can take it then. Enjoy your day.’
With this, the nurse left. But the episode had worried Ella. Paulo must be on morphine or something similar, for it to have the effect of making him so drowsy. The realization of just how ill he was came to her, and she looked at him in an intense way. Oh, Paulo, my love, my love.