The cold seeped into Ella now, when she hadn’t felt it before. She shivered.
‘Let’s go inside, darling.’
Was this really happening? Paulo loved her, and that was what she would hang on to. She’d banish all thoughts of future doom. ‘Is there somewhere we can talk?’
‘Yes, there is a little sitting room where the officers take their guests. We can have tea served in there. Cook is so kind and bakes delicious cakes.’
‘That sounds wonderful.’
Once inside, the warmth tingled Ella’s cheeks. The reception hall had an air of grandeur that seemed out of place, as the broken men housed in the manor wandered around aimlessly.
‘Most congregate here. I don’t know why. Probably because, being near the door, they don’t feel so trapped in. Poor beggars are a long way from home.’
‘That’s sad. Their loved ones are on the other side of the world, when they most need them; and many won’t have seen them for three to four years, as it is. My heart goes out to them.’
‘Yes, and yet, most of the time, they are a jolly lot. Something about Australians in particular makes you feel good.’
‘I know, we had an Australian matron in our last posting, and she was full of fun.’
‘Here, this is the room. You go in, there’s usually a fire burning. I’ll ask for some tea for us.’
The room had an air of comfort in every piece of its furniture. Two large sofas, styled with straight backs and arms, but with plumped-up feather cushions that invited you to snuggle into them, and a coffee table with arched legs formed the main features of the room. The blue-and-gold decor gave an air of grandeur: the sofas were in a dark blue, and the carpet squares were in swirls of blue and gold. The walls were cream and housed many family photos, and the ornate border of the ceiling was picked out in gold. A large window, framed with dark-blue velvet curtains, looked out over the most beautiful landscaped gardens, with hedges neatly cut into many shapes.
When Paulo came into the room he had discarded his coat and scarf, giving Ella her first real view of how thin he had become. He wheeled his chair in, but now he stood and she realized this was the first time she’d seen him do so. ‘Oh, you look so tall.’ The words were said in surprise, but why she hadn’t expected him to be tall, she couldn’t imagine.
‘It is you who is so tiny. Tiny and beautiful. I want to take care of you.’
His walk towards her was unsteady. She went to him and held his hand. For a moment he stood gazing down at her. ‘I’m going to have to bend to kiss you, but I may cry out.’
‘Oh no, don’t do that. Sit down first.’
‘You will let me kiss you again then?’
‘Well, yes, I thought I would, seeing as how I enjoyed the first one.’
‘Ha! And I haven’t practised much, either.’
‘Nor me.’ An image of Jim wetting her face with his kisses shuddered through her. Ella banished it and covered her discomfort by joking. ‘But I intend to. I intend to kiss you all afternoon, so I will be a professional by the time I leave.’
Paulo laughed out loud – a laugh that once again had him gasping for breath. But this time Ella didn’t apologize. Paulo was right: they should laugh together. Laughter was healing, and they both needed that.
‘Paulo . . . I – I, well, when you asked me to marry you, when were you thinking of? I mean, I was wondering if you would consider coming to live with me in my flat? I have room, and I could take care of you. I have an excellent doctor. I . . .’
Paulo was silent, but his face held wonderment. ‘You really would care for me?’
‘Of course. I can help you to get better. I know I can.’
Again he was silent.
‘Paulo?’
‘Ella, you have to know that the doctors don’t give much for my chances. They have said that . . . my lungs, you see. They are damaged. I – I can’t get better.’
A tear plopped onto his cheek. Ella stared at his despair and found it unbearable. She wanted to lift it and replace it with hope. ‘That is now, darling, but medicine is advancing all the time. Let me take care of you. We will be happy. Your illness won’t be the biggest feature in our lives – our love will. We’ll find a way of doing everything all young couples do. We’ll go to the theatre, and for walks; and yes, we’ll travel. We’ll live, not die.’
‘Oh, Ella. That is what I want to do. I want to live the life that I have. And I want to live it with you.’
‘Will you come home with me tomorrow?’
‘What? How? I mean . . .’
‘My friends will take us. We can have your things brought to us later. Just bring a change of clothing.’
‘That is all I have.’
‘Oh? Well, no matter, we will sort that out. And I can buy a wheelchair for you. I live on the ground floor and there’s only a few steps to get in – can you manage those?’
‘Yes, yes, but . . . do you mean it?’
‘I do. I don’t want to miss another moment with you.’
‘Then yes, I will come, and thank you. Thank you, Ella, my darling.’ Another tear found the trail of the last, and more followed.
Ella stood and held Paulo’s head to her breast. ‘Everything is going to be all right, Paulo darling. How can it not be, when we are together? We will marry as soon as we can. But if you will have me, I will be yours from this moment forward.’
‘I will, Ella. You are a light in my darkness.’
Connie and Alan didn’t raise any objections to her plan. ‘We’re happy for you, Ella.’
‘Thank you, Alan. I know it is unconventional, but I must do this. I am so worried about Paulo. Any exertion has him gasping for breath, and when we laugh, he . . . It is frightening. But I love him and I need to care for him myself.’
‘We will help you all we can. That is, while we are here. We have some news we haven’t shared.’
‘Oh? What is it, Connie?’
‘Well, we have plans to go to America. We didn’t say, as we still had things to discuss. We have done that today. America is crying out for doctors, and they are so much more advanced than we are. I am interested in medical research and want to explore the possibilities of that field. I can do that there.’
‘But that is wonderful. How do you know about America? When will you go?’
‘We have decided to get married soon. Then we will go. We were going to wait for my son’s return, but we don’t know when that will be. Ronald knows about our plans, as we wrote to him. You see, I have an aunt who married an American. She met him through my uncle, her brother. The chap was over here at university with my uncle, and he went to their home during term breaks. When she wrote to my mother, my aunt mentioned that I should finish my career over there – in the land of opportunity and money.’
‘You’re not that old, Alan. You have such a lot to give. I know, because as your nurse in theatre I witnessed your talent. So, no talk of finishing your career . . . you will be just beginning it!’
‘Yes, I think of it like that, but I temper my enthusiasm in case others think I am over the hill.’
Ella understood this. ‘But what about your sons, will they go, too?’
‘They will make their own minds up. They have a lot of catching up to do in their own careers. Patrick is an engineer. He is considering coming out, once we are settled. And Ronald, poor chap, could be in Germany for two to three years. He has written to say that he has accepted his lot, and that we are to get on with our lives. He is still very young, and will need to take up a university place when the army finally releases him. If we can, we will get a travel pass to visit him before we go.’
‘It is tragic that all those who were in the victory push have to stay in Germany. It seems so unfair, but they are in the army and they are needed, so that is that.’
‘Well, I wish you both all the luck in the world, and I cannot thank you enough for helping me to get Paulo to my home. I will be arranging our wedding, too, just as soon as I can, so we will have a lot to celebrate.’
‘Good for you. We lost so much of our young lives, so we shouldn’t stand on our laurels and waste another minute.’
‘I agree, Connie.’
‘And so do I. I think I’ll order some champagne and we will drink to that. What say you, Ella?’
‘A great idea, Alan – one of your best ones!’
By the time they arrived at her home, Ella felt exhausted. The weakness that dogged her consumed every ounce of her strength, and Alan and Connie had to help her and Paulo into the flat.
‘You’ll feel better once you have eaten. What have you got in the cupboards? I’ll cook you something. No . . . no objections. You’re not well, Ella. This has been a big move for you.’
‘Ella, please listen to Connie. I’m very worried about you.’
‘I will, Paulo. I have no choice. But I know I will be fine after a rest. There is so much to do.’
‘I shouldn’t have let you persuade me to come. We should have waited.’
‘None of that. I think you have done the right thing. The influenza and losing Paddy have taken it out of Ella, that’s all. She’ll bounce back. You can help each other, but I don’t think you should be apart for a moment longer.’
‘Your turn to listen to Connie, Paulo.’
Paulo grinned. They had such an easy way with each other, which Ella couldn’t help but marvel at.
Connie was right; once they’d eaten the delicious omelette she made from whatever she found in the cupboards, Ella felt her strength coming back to her.
‘We’ll be fine now. You must both be whacked. Thank you for everything.’
‘Well, that sounds like you are throwing us out! But I don’t blame you.’
‘No, Connie . . . I—’
‘Ha, I’m only teasing. I’m ready to go, and I know Alan is. We’ve been so busy planning, we stayed up half the night.’ Connie blushed as she said this, but Ella didn’t comment, she just smiled. She had seen Connie slip out of the room they had shared at the hotel, when she thought Ella was asleep. Ella had smiled and turned over, glad that Connie had found happiness.
‘I – I mean . . .’
‘There’s no covering up now, darling. And by the look on Ella’s face, she already knew what you got up to last night.’
‘Alan!’
They all laughed. After a moment an embarrassed Connie joined in.
When they left, a sudden shyness came over Ella. Everything had happened so suddenly, she’d not dreamed she’d be sitting in her home with Paulo, and now she didn’t know what to do next. Paulo looked as tired as she felt, and yet she was shy of suggesting that they retire. Paulo saved her from this as he said, ‘I don’t know about you, darling, but I’m ready for my bed.’
Embarrassed, Ella was unsure what Paulo might expect of her. She had planned to settle Paulo in Nanny’s bed, which she’d put fresh linen on. But Paulo’s next words changed this. ‘If you have a big enough bed, I would love to be welcomed into it. Just snuggling up to you would be all I ask . . . Well, all I could manage, I think, my darling. But I understand if you want me to sleep in a bed of my own.’
This made up Ella’s mind, but she made a joke of it to cover her earlier hesitation. ‘And what kind of girl do you think I am, Officer Rennaise?’
‘Oh, I – I . . .’
‘Well, I’ll tell you. I’m your girl, and I would like nothing more than to snuggle up with you.’
‘Ha. You minx, you had me worried then.’
‘Sorry. I was worried myself, and not sure what we should do. But tomorrow we will see about getting married at the earliest opportunity, so what does it matter? It’s only a bit of paper – it can’t make us feel any different. We don’t need anyone’s permission to take our love further.’
‘Mmm, very French thinking.’
Once Ella had helped Paulo into bed, she went to leave the room to get ready herself.
‘Don’t leave, darling. Let me watch you.’
Ella’s breath caught in her lungs. Feelings started up inside her that she’d never experienced before. Slowly she removed her frock and then her shift. When she went to tackle her corset, Paulo called her over to him.
‘Come here and let me unlace you.’
As she sat on the bed and turned to Paulo, he ran his fingers over her breasts. The tingle this caused zinged through her. His eyes held so much promise and love.
‘My Ella.’
She sank into his arms and looked up at him. His look was full of honesty, and at that moment she felt acutely aware of her deceit. Would he see signs of what she’d been through? He hadn’t seemed to notice that her nipples were dark and larger than usual. But then maybe he didn’t know of the changes that happen to a woman’s body after conceiving a child.
‘You look sad, darling. If you don’t want to – I mean, nothing will happen; not fully, I – I . . .’
‘No, it isn’t that. I am sad that we are both so unwell and may not be able to give of ourselves fully to each other.’ Yes, I must lie. I cannot hurt Paulo with the truth.
‘But if nothing happens, then just to lie with you, to see you, to touch you and feel your body on mine will be enough for now. When we get stronger – and we will – then more will come, I know it will.’
With this, she turned on her back and let Paulo unlace her corset. The strength of her feelings for him coursed through her, but she would be patient. It would be enough to enjoy having him next to her; something she had never dreamed would happen.
Snuggled into Paulo, Ella marvelled at his strong body. Holding him as they lay, she couldn’t visualize how ill he was, but listening to the effort he had to make to breathe, which increased as he moved towards her and caressed her, she was reminded and her heart felt heavy.
‘Hold me, my darling. Hold me close.’
‘Always, my Paulo. Always.’
‘We’ll find a way. We must. I want you so much.’ As he said this, he moved closer and she could feel how urgent his need was.
‘Teach me, Paulo. Tell me what to do.’ He guided her hand. Thrill zinged through her at the feel of him. ‘I love you, Paulo, and I love your body.’
‘Come to me, mon amour.’ As he pulled her gently, Ella realized what he was asking. Though tainted by Jim, she knew nothing about the different ways that men and women made love, and this way hadn’t occurred to her. But now, as she let him guide her, she knew the extreme pleasure of lowering herself onto her man.
Paulo sobbed his joy, crying out her name as her body moved on his. Her tears joined his, as feelings that she never thought to experience racked her body. And then it happened. A crescendo of sensations built, until she felt as though something had exploded inside her. She stiffened and her cries filled the room. ‘Oh, Paulo. Paulo!’
He clung to her, his own hollers joining hers. When at last the feeling faded, Ella slumped down on his chest and knew the joy of them having become one. Wiping his tears with her fingers, she kissed every part of his face as she eased herself off him.
After a moment, his breathing slowed. His hand curled tendrils of her hair around his fingers and she told him joyfully, ‘We found a way, darling. Thank you for teaching me. I love you.’
Paulo was silent for a moment. When he spoke, fear coursed through Ella. ‘And it didn’t hurt you, darling? I – I thought it would. I was afraid, as I couldn’t be in charge and treat you very gently. I had to leave it to you. But . . .’
‘Oh, Paulo, don’t ask me. You’ll hate me – I couldn’t help it . . . it was awful. I don’t want to taint what just happened.’
‘Did something bad happen to you, my darling? You can tell me.’
As she told him, the pain of the rape and the loss of her child racked her soul. Paulo held her throughout. ‘No! No, how could that happen to you, my Ella. My lovely Ella.’
He isn’t condemning me. Oh, thank God.
Ella clung to him, both taking comfort and trying to give it, as their sobs joined in a desperate crying. Not only for the rape, but for all they had been through and seen. For the hell they had visited, which had left its mark upon them, and for all those they had lost.
Paulo cried out ‘Ma mère et mon père’ for his lost mamma and papa. Ella cried for Paddy, and for her unborn child; for her sick nanny, and for the family who didn’t want her.
When they came to a calmness, they vowed that they would never hurt each other and would never leave each other.
With these vows sealing their love, and with their souls cleansed of their hurt, they fell asleep holding hands.