Two months had passed since Ella had first introduced Paulo to Nanny. She and Paulo were now man and wife, as were Connie and Alan.
Their own wedding had been a quiet affair. She’d worn a simple cream suit, and Paulo had looked so handsome in a dark suit with a gleaming white shirt and black tie. A nurse had brought Nanny along in a bath chair, and Connie and Alan had also attended. Daniel hadn’t been able to get away from college, but something in Ella had been glad about that, as she had a feeling that the time was upon her and Daniel to part company. Though she loved him dearly as a friend and would always be there for him, he was a difficult character to engage with, and as their lives were now so far apart, they found little common ground, other than the memories they shared. One particular memory was probably more likely to drive a wedge through their friendship than it was to bind them close. But she would always know that her own and Daniel’s action had been an act of kindness and love, when they helped that poor soldier to pass over. For all that, it hung in the air between them.
They’d all gone to dinner after the wedding service, and Nanny had been like her old self, chatting away to Paulo. Though this pleased Ella, and she felt pride in the way that Paulo and Nanny got on so well, she was also a little jealous of how Nanny was more lucid in his presence than in her own, and she had talked this over with him.
‘You are a source of deep love and concern to her, darling. I think, with me, there is no past – nothing to worry her. But she feels great heartache for the fact that she can no longer take care of you, and that she holds so many secrets that will affect your life. I think it is this that sends her into the safety of the past, where she can vent her anger at her sister, Mona.’
‘Quite the psychiatrist, darling,’ she’d told Paulo, but in a teasing way, as his theory had given an answer as to why Nanny behaved as she did around her, and an acceptable one that lessened her hurt.
Connie and Alan’s wedding had been a wonderful affair, and Ella had loved being a bridesmaid. She’d felt so special, in the long lilac frock made of the finest silk. Paulo had been in awe when he saw her. It was at this event that Ella felt she’d been right about Daniel. He’d been awkward in her company and avoided her whenever he could. She hoped that he wasn’t letting the memory haunt him and wished that she could broach the subject, but instinctively she knew that would be a disastrous thing to do.
‘That was a big sigh, chérie – what are you thinking about?’
They were sitting in the small yard at the back of the apartment, enjoying the June sun, and Ella thought to take this opportunity, not to say what had really been passing through her mind, but to broach the subject of the house-hunting she had been doing. ‘How I think it is time to tell you that I’ve found our perfect home.’
‘Oh, when did this happen? A new car, and now a new home?’
‘Well, I’ve been thinking lately that this place isn’t secure for us – not with the apartment being a favour of my father towards Nanny. And dear Nanny is failing fast. I don’t know if the favour dies with her or not. I have visited the solicitor who deals with Nanny’s business, but they can’t – or won’t – help me. They say that while Nanny is alive, it is up to her what she tells me. They have their instructions, but none of them come into being until after Nanny’s death.’
‘So now we are to up-sticks? Can we afford to? I – I mean, can you afford to?’
‘We can, darling. And that is “we”, not “I”, for whatever I have is yours. This will make a massive hole in what savings we have, but with your pension and my allowance, we will do very well. Besides, I’m thinking of taking up a few hours’ work at the hospital, and I also want to help the Salvation Army now and again, as I promised I would.’
‘Oh? So all these decisions you have taken on your own. You say it is “we”, not “I”, and yet you don’t consult me on major decisions like a new home and a car, and a proposal to return to work. I believe that indicates you are still very much thinking independently.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, darling. I – I’ve always been used to doing so. It’s a habit. And I don’t like to concern you. I just thought if I got on with things, then you will have nothing to worry about.’
‘I want to worry, I want to be involved. Not doing so is like not living. It’s like being a child who has to have everything done for them. I’m your husband, Ella, not your baby.’
These words stung her. Not least because they held the ring of truth.
‘So is it also a fait accompli, what will happen to this place?’
‘I’m so sorry; forgive me, Paulo. I have made a huge mistake. In trying to protect you, I have taken so much from you. I – I had the best intentions. I so want to keep you from anything that might cause you stress, but in doing so, I’ve caused you even more. How can I make that up to you?’
‘By treating me as your husband, and not your patient. I know your heart is in the right place, Ella darling, but even when we make love, you are caring for me and not giving of your all to me.’
‘Oh? I didn’t . . . I mean . . . Oh, darling, I’ve tried to help you, but in doing so I have smothered you. I can see that now. I’m so sorry, my darling, so very sorry. I can change. The new flat hasn’t been finalized; we’ll go together to view it, and it will be your decision whether or not we go ahead. As for this place, Nanny won’t be coming back to it. And I don’t like being here, now that I know who it belongs to and what the motivation behind it is. It has taken on the mantle of being the prison I was sent to, to get me out of sight of my father and his new wife.’
‘Mon amour – don’t. I do forgive you, because I know you acted out of love. And yes, I would like to see this new place before a final decision is made. But you must hang on to the scant image you have of your father. From that snippet of memory that came to you when you were delirious, I think you can draw a conclusion that he did love you. You don’t really know the circumstances in which he felt it best to give you up, but he has taken care of you, and not abandoned you.’
‘You’re right, of course, but I feel strongly that this place could be taken from us, once Nanny passes away. I want to be ready, and independent. I don’t mind taking the allowance – I feel he owes me that; but even that may not last forever. Oh, it’s the not knowing that is so frustrating. Is that money there for my whole lifetime? I just don’t know, and I have to think of you and me. In our own place we will have a security that I feel we lack here and—’
‘We have to think of you and me. You haven’t shared any of this with me before. But now that you have, you don’t have to shoulder it all on your own. We’ll start by looking at the place you have found, and then weigh up together what the financial implications of buying it will be and act accordingly. How does that sound?’
‘Like someone has taken a weight off my shoulders. Oh, darling, I’ve been an idiot.’
‘Yes, but you’re my idiot. Now drop the nurse’s mantle, right now. Come here.’
Diving into the arms of this new, masterful husband thrilled Ella. For once, she allowed Paulo to take the lead. He struggled to get to the bedroom holding her hand, but she didn’t offer him any help; instead she played the game, begging him kindly not to use her so.
By the time they reached their bed, Paulo was exhausted, but Ella ignored this and kept up the act of the little woman having to do her husband’s bidding, by asking what it was that he desired of her.
Recovering, Paulo pulled her down onto the bed and told her he would show her, rather than tell her, and that she was to be a good girl while he did so.
What followed eclipsed all they’d had before. Paulo found a strength she didn’t know him capable of, as he made love to her.
Afterwards she lay in his arms. ‘My man. My darling, I love you.’
Paulo held her close. Though she knew he was drained, she also knew it was one of the very best ways that he could feel. He was his own man, and he had done what they had first promised each other: he’d lived and acted, despite his illness – not because of it. She had stifled that for a while, but not any more. From now on, they truly were a couple.
Seeing Connie and Alan off was a low point of the following week, but Ella and Paulo tempered their sadness by viewing the flat that Ella thought of as their dream home. In a large house converted into two flats, the ground-floor flat, which Ella thought ideal for them, had a large private garden, which had been the main attraction for her, as she hoped Paulo would develop an interest in tending the garden and, with her help, would maybe turn part of it into a patch for growing vegetables. French windows led directly into the garden from the sitting room, and would give Paulo easy access whenever he wished to go out there. Paulo loved it.
Within six weeks they had moved into their new home, which was only a couple of streets away from Wicklow Street, meaning they weren’t far from all that Ella knew in the area and were still near Nanny, whose health lately had been improving. Ella was happier than she’d ever been. She didn’t give a thought to how long this happiness would last, but lived each day as it came.
August brought more of the fine weather they had enjoyed in June, making sitting in the garden of their new home a pleasure. ‘It’s so lovely out here,’ Ella exclaimed.
‘Mmm, and it has meant a lot to me to be able to come out into the garden whenever I want to. It’s a haven. I’ve been planning what I want to do with the vegetable patch.’
Listening to Paulo, Ella filled with hope. Surely someone who had such plans for the future couldn’t be dying?
‘So, what do you think about that patch over there? It will be difficult to do much with it, as it is laid with bricks and probably has a base underneath it.’
Ella looked over to the part of the garden that had an old bench standing on a bricked area, with many weeds growing in the cracks and moss lying on its surface. ‘I have the very idea for that. Our child will need a play area, and that will do nicely. It only needs cleaning up.’
Paulo fell silent.
‘Paulo? Did you hear what I said?’
A huge sigh shuddered through his body. ‘Ella, my darling, you have to accept that maybe—’
The grin on her face stopped him mid-sentence.
‘What? No! Ella . . . really? Oh, mon Dieu! Mon amour – a baby! We are going to have un bébé. But how? I mean . . . Oh, that’s wonderful news. Thank you.’
Ella had been nodding throughout, and now she was in Paulo’s arms and still he couldn’t take it in. ‘Are you sure, my darling?’
‘Yes. I went to see my very disapproving doctor. He has been that way with me since I fell from grace in his eyes, when he found out I had been carrying a child out of wedlock. He knew nothing of the circumstances. And now, just a short time after, I present as pregnant again! But he said he was a lot happier about my situation this time, and that a pregnancy can happen quite quickly after a miscarriage. He also said that I can now look on the fate of my lost child as a blessing. I wanted to hit him, but I—’
Something in Paulo’s face stopped her from going on. She stared at him. His look held disdain.
‘Paulo? Don’t look at me like that. My baby had nothing to do with how he or she was conceived. I loved it. It was mine just as much as our child is. And that will never change. I thought you understood? I don’t want never to mention my lost child again; it helps me to remember.’
‘It’s just that it rakes up the hurt again – for you, mainly. And I didn’t want to have the moment I heard I was to be a father to be tainted . . . Ella! Ella, where are you going?’
‘As far away from you as I can get. If you love me, you love all of me. I’m not a part-person; I’m me, and that includes all that has happened to me. My lost child happened, and he or she can never taint anything – except my heart, which broke when I miscarried.’
‘Oh, Ella. I’m sorry. Come back. Please. I haven’t the strength to run after you. I’m so sorry. I simply want to forget.’
Ella came back and sat down. ‘I don’t want you to for-get; I want you to accept. That way, I will be free from the shackles that bind me to silence, even when I am hurting.’
‘You are right – if only it was that simple to do. But I will try. I promise. Now, can I thank you for giving me such a wonderful gift? A child, Ella. Our very own child!’
Ella couldn’t help but be caught up in Paulo’s joy, but a small part of her remembered – and would always remember – the bundle of promised joy that she had lost. And in the greatness of all she had, Paulo’s struggle to come to terms with how she felt was a small cross to bear, and only slightly marred the happiness of the moment.