Ella stood in the bank and stared down at her bank balance. The four hundred pounds she’d had on her return from France had dwindled to ninety. Buying the car for eighty pounds and the apartment for two hundred and ten, and only able to add a little to her savings now and again, was the reason. What she had left would, under normal circumstances – with her allowance and Paulo’s pension – keep them going for quite some time, but their situation wasn’t normal, as they had crippling medical bills to pay.
Getting a job was now out of the question, as Paulo couldn’t take care of Christophe. Or himself, if it came to that. Though he tried very hard to do as much as he could, exhaustion often defeated him. There’s only one thing for it. I will have to sell the car.
This thought dampened Ella’s spirits even further. Their dependence on her second-hand Morris car had increased, but it guzzled petrol, which wasn’t always easy to come by; and, if they had to, they could take a cab on journeys that were too far to walk.
Outside in the early sunshine, Ella’s head cleared a little as she walked towards where she’d parked, leaving Paulo and Christophe in the car, and she decided to put on a cheerful face. The sun’s warmth, and seeing it reflect off the gleaming green paintwork of her car, gave her an idea. Paulo was having a good day so far, and she always tried to make the most of those. Well, today would be no exception; she had a full tank of petrol, so what was there to stop them from going for a drive?
Canvey Island came to mind. Nanny had taken her there as a child, and Ella had loved the walk along the bank top, and tiptoeing on the pebbles to dip her toes in the sea. And sitting on a blanket spread out on the grass, eating jam sandwiches and drinking lemonade.
Excitement built in her. She could almost feel the salty wind brushing her cheeks and smell the fish-tainted air of the sea.
Turning away from the car, she walked towards the row of shops. She would buy a loaf of bread, a wedge of cheese and, best of all, the Jewish shop on the corner sold lemonade in a corked brown bottle. And she would need a map. Not that she knew how to read one, but Paulo would, she was sure. Anyway what would it matter? They would find somewhere to spread the rug they had in the car and enjoy a picnic. A smile crossed her face. At least she didn’t have to worry about food for Christophe, for she carried that around on tap for him.
Paulo was mystified when she returned to the car. ‘That’s a lovely smile. Did you find that we are rich?’
‘Yes, we are! We’re the richest couple in the world. Ha, so rich we’re going for a picnic.’
Paulo laughed out loud, a good sound. ‘How did that happen? You never cease to amaze me, my Ella. You left me, afraid of what you would find out; and you return, full of joy and a mad plan to take me off somewhere.’
Ella laughed with him. It filled her with happiness to see his face expressing laughter and not pain. And the effect of the oxygen, which was his constant companion, meant that he didn’t go into a fit of coughing afterwards. Nor did he raise any objections to her suggestion. A free spirit like herself, Paulo was always ready for any new challenge, despite everything. She loved that about him.
It wasn’t until they were almost there that Paulo said, ‘We’re not exactly dressed for the seaside, are we?’
Ella smiled. ‘No. I didn’t think of that. We will probably get some funny looks: you in your suit and tie, and me in this business-like costume, which is old-fashioned to say the least, with its ankle-length skirt. Every young woman we have passed is wearing much shorter clothes now. I can’t get used to it.’
‘You look lovely; you always do, darling, and blue suits you. We can always take off our shoes, and I’ll help you to take off your stockings, if you like.’
‘In broad daylight? Monsieur Rennaise, you are being very forward.’
They collapsed into a fit of giggles. Happiness filled Ella, pushing her fears and worries into a small corner of her, where she paid them no attention. Christophe, who had been snuggled into Paulo, gave a gurgle at that moment. This increased their giggles, giving Ella the feeling that her happiness was complete. Her troubles seemed almost non-existent.
‘What a perfect day, darling. Merci, mon amour.’
Ella turned her head and looked into Paulo’s eyes. They lay on the blanket, the sun basking them in warmth. Paulo was propped up on his elbow, looking down at her. Children’s laughter rang in the air, to the background sound of the rolling waves breaking on the pebbles. Remnants of the bread they had torn chunks off, and the ragged-looking cheese they had unceremoniously broken pieces from, lay between them.
‘You’re welcome, Monsieur. Oh, Paulo, I never want to forget this day. With the sun framing you, you look so handsome.’
A look crossed his face that Ella knew and loved. It tingled feelings right through her. His voice, when he spoke, was deep and husky. ‘I want to kiss you and make love to you right here, my Ella. I love you so much.’
‘You are in England, my love. Such a gesture would start a second war! Ha, we would end up in prison.’
‘We should live in France. There I could take you in my arms, as I long to do.’
There was more than a hint of wistfulness in Paulo’s tone. Sadness entered Ella. Paulo rarely spoke of his loss, and never about how it was for him to live in a foreign country; and she hadn’t given it a thought, in her struggle to give them as normal a life as possible. Suddenly she felt very selfish. The money she’d spent on a whim, buying a flat and a car, she could have saved. The flat owned by her father stood empty, and they could have remained there. If they had, maybe she could have taken Paulo back to his home. Even though it didn’t exist any longer, it might have given him a feeling of closure, seeing how it was now.
‘I’m sorry, Paulo, my love. I – I should have taken you back to France. Forgive me.’
‘No, no. I am only missing the carefree attitude of my people; well, besides my family of course. But we cannot bring them back. I just find all the stuffiness of your countrymen very limiting. Here I am, on a beautiful day, in a beautiful spot with my beautiful wife, and longing to hold her close to me and kiss every part of her, but in the eyes of the people around us, that would be a crime. I am not used to that.’
Changing the subject, Ella smiled. ‘Come on. Let’s go for a paddle that will cool your ardour. Do you think you could make it to the water’s edge, if you hold on to me? Christophe is sleeping soundly, and we will be able to see him from down the slope.’
‘Only if you let me help you take your stockings off.’
They both laughed and the tension that had crept in lifted. ‘You can jolly well turn the other way. Any gentleman would.’
‘Not this one. I will watch your every move, and wish it was me taking them off you.’
Ella laughed so loudly that two women passing by tutted their disapproval. It was a gesture that didn’t help, but simply exacerbated the situation. Paulo had to lie back, he was laughing so much.
Ella’s whole body filled with joy. They could be like other couples. Illness didn’t have to dominate their lives.
Having wriggled out of her stockings in a most unconventional way, amidst much teasing and laughter, she stood up. ‘Come on. You haven’t taken your socks off yet!’ Making a play of it, she bent down to help him to roll up his trouser legs, knowing that even such a small task could bring exhaustion on him. She so wanted Paulo to have enough energy to make it to the water with her.
Checking on baby Christophe and finding him sleeping peacefully, snuggled up in his shawl, lying on the blanket, Ella waited, holding her breath. Paulo was struggling, she could hear that. Glancing towards him, she saw him roll onto his side and try to push himself up. Fear clenched her. What if he can’t get up? Oh God! Looking around her, she saw a group of young men playing football, whom she hadn’t noticed before. All the sounds around her had merged, beyond the world of happiness that had cocooned her. The sight of the men gave her some relief, as they would be able to help, and she was sure they would if she asked them.
But Paulo eventually managed, just needing Ella to steady him as he made the final effort to stand. Not mentioning his effort, Ella took his hand.
‘I might need my stick, darling.’
‘Yes, that would be a good idea. Hold on to the car, darling.’
Digging out his walking stick, Ella worried whether she was doing the right thing in encouraging Paulo. Access to the water’s edge was down a slope of pebbled ground. The able-bodied found the going precarious, let alone some-one with a weakness, who struggled to breathe. But when she returned to Paulo, he was standing tall and looked ready for the challenge.
Though their progress was slow, they made it. Once more, joy filled Ella and lit her soul. To be doing something with Paulo that everyone else took for granted was a dream come true for her.
They giggled as the water tingled their toes. Then Ella squealed, as Paulo swung his foot and splashed her with water. He almost fell over in the process, but she clung on to him. And what did it matter that the salt would ruin her skirt? Who cared; it was only a bit of material. Put that against the memory of this precious moment with Paulo, which she would take with her through the rest of her life, and it paled into insignificance.
The note waiting for Ella, when they returned home, sent her into a panic:
We called today to ask you to attend the Miller Nursing Home. We are very sorry to tell you that Miss Machalski has suddenly become very ill. We think that you should visit as soon as you can.
On the envelope there was a time of delivery: 4 p.m. Oh no, that was two hours ago!
‘I have to go, Paulo, will you be okay?’
‘I will come, darling. They have bath chairs there. I can use one of those to help me to Nanny’s bedside. And I can hold Christophe.’
‘Yes, I would love to have you with me. Let me just change Christophe – poor thing feels soaked through. He’s such a good baby, aren’t you, darling? Never murmurs, always content. Ooh, I love you, my little one; Mummy loves you.’
‘And Daddy does, even though you have soaked me through, too, my son.’
‘Right, let’s all have a quick change of clothes and then we will go. I’m so worried that we won’t be in time. I can’t bear to think that would happen.’
Christophe gurgled and made no protest when Ella hurriedly swabbed him down and changed his clothes. A sense of something she had experienced a few times niggled Ella. Why was that? Wouldn’t most babies bring the house down when wet through, as he was? And why wasn’t he showing any signs of wanting to sit up, when she held his hands and gently pulled him? Surely at four months he should be doing this, but he was always floppy and didn’t resist her doing whatever she wanted. He didn’t even kick his legs about. Sighing, Ella completed the task of changing Christophe and then left him lying on the sofa while she went to give Paulo a hand. Her worries were compounded when she entered the bedroom, as Paulo was lying on the bed and gasping for breath.
‘I’ll fetch your oxygen, darling – hang on.’
‘No, leave it in the . . . car. I – I’m just catching my breath. I’m ready, you get . . . yourself together, darling.’
‘Oh, Paulo, you should have waited.’
Trying not to dwell on all that she faced, Ella didn’t bother to wash, but simply donned clean stockings and a change of clothing. Thinking it didn’t matter what she wore, she opened her wardrobe and immediately spotted the white blouse with lavender flowers adorning it. Nanny had always loved her in that blouse. The outfit might lift my spirits, too. If ever they can be lifted again. Why? Why are we sent so much to bear – and today of all days, which has been so special?