32

Dolly

Thanks for last night. I needed that more than you know.

Those words kept replaying in my head. I could even hear them said in her sultry voice.

I stared at the cup of espresso I had made, but the thought of actually drinking it made me feel nauseous. Setting it on the bar, I walked out of the kitchen. The world that had been so bright and full of hope just an hour ago when Micah woke me up, kissing down my body, now felt as if it had no oxygen left in it. Everything that made me smile had been snatched away so quickly.

The sound of the shower cut off, and I stared toward the bathroom door. Micah was in there. After we’d had sex, he’d kissed me and held me, then said he needed to get a shower. He had to head back to Ocala today but would be back late tonight. We had been in a bubble of perfection—or so I’d thought. Instead, it was my own delusional bubble. One I had created in my mind.

I wasn’t sure how I could face him now. Did I confront him? Ask him what the text from Calista meant? Maybe there was a good explanation that I needed to hear, and then this devastation that I was experiencing would go away. I’d have my bubble back. The one that I shouldn’t have started to feel secure in.

Micah hadn’t said he loved me. He hadn’t called me his girlfriend or labeled what we were. He basically lived here now. We were together every chance we got. Sex was amazing. The thought that he was seeing Calista…it felt almost unreal.

The faucet turned off, and I knew he was finished brushing his teeth. He would open the door and walk out at any minute now. His towel would be wrapped around his waist. All of his beautiful body on display. It was one of my favorite morning views.

Except now, all I could think was, had Calista seen it too? What had they done last night? What was it she had needed that he had supplied?

My stomach rolled, and I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply through my nose. Even if Micah didn’t love me, he cared. He’d called me his. He wouldn’t betray me that way. Would he? Could he do that? The man I loved didn’t have that kind of cruelty in him.

The door to the bathroom opened, and the moment he saw me, he smiled that slow, sexy grin that usually made my heart flutter. This morning, it didn’t flutter. It cracked.

Asking him was the only fair thing to do. For me and him. I was going to dwell on it, and this would just get worse if I didn’t know.

“You already had your espresso?” he asked me.

I couldn’t smile. I didn’t even try. I shook my head. “No.”

He studied me for a moment, and a frown creased his brow. “What’s wrong, Tink?”

Knowing the truth was better than making up my version of it, I had to hold on to the hope that there was a reasonable explanation.

Dropping my gaze to the floor, I took a deep breath before asking, “Where were you last night?”

He didn’t respond right away. Dread, fear, loss—it all began to uncurl inside my chest. Why wasn’t he saying anything?

“I told you, I was at the club. We had some issues to handle.”

I swallowed hard. He was evading the answer. I could hear it in his voice. There was more, and he didn’t want to tell me. Too bad. His phone had lit up when I was getting out of bed, and the text had been right there on the screen for me to see.

“Calista texted you.” I lifted my eyes back to look at his face. I needed to see it. If he was lying, I’d be able to tell.

His nostrils flared. “You reading my texts now, Tink?” he asked with accusation in his tone.

I thought I’d have preferred he slap me across the face. It would have been less painful.

“Not exactly. I was getting up, and you got a text. I glanced down and saw it. Not on purpose, but then I hadn’t thought you had anything to hide.”

He narrowed his eyes. “I don’t,” he replied. “But it seems like you’ve already made your assumptions.”

I shook my head. “No. That’s why I am asking you what it was about.”

Micah let out a hard laugh. “I don’t answer to anyone. You can either trust me or not.”

I refused to cry in front of him. He wasn’t giving me anything here, and it sounded like he wasn’t going to.

“I trust you. But I don’t see why I can’t ask what you were doing with Calista last night.”

“That isn’t your business. Don’t make this something it isn’t, Dolly.”

Dolly. Not Tink. To think, once, I had hated the name Tink. Hearing him say my name now was like an insult. As if I had been knocked down on the ladder of importance to him. Did he have a nickname for Calista? Had he called her by it last night?

“I see,” I managed to get out past the agony gripping me by the throat.

He shook his head. “Whatever. I can’t deal with this shit right now,” he said, sounding annoyed before walking into the bedroom.

Unable to move, I stood there, battling on what to do now. Did I apologize? Or did I go in there and demand he tell me? This was my business. We were…together. Right? It felt like we were. He had called me his. That made us a couple. Didn’t it?

I flinched at the sound of him slamming a drawer shut. He was angry. Why did he get to be angry? It was me who should be slamming drawers. Not him. Nothing had been done to him. I hadn’t caused him to question me. I had been here last night. In my bed. Sleeping. Trusting him.

He walked back out of the bedroom, shrugging on his vest over a black T-shirt I had washed yesterday for him. When he got to the door, he grabbed his keys from the table and paused before turning his gaze to me. “I’ll see you tonight,” he said simply.

Nothing more.

I nodded, and then he opened the door and left. It was the first time he’d done that without kissing me in a month. Since we had become whatever it was we were.

My vision blurred as the tears filled my eyes, then began to slide down my face. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Loving someone shouldn’t be like this.

I stared at the door, waiting, praying it would open back up and he’d walk back inside. The rev of his motorcycle was faint, but I heard it in the silence of the apartment. He was really leaving me like this.

Loving someone enough for both of you wasn’t easy. It seemed I was about to find out just how hard it could be.

Turning my head toward the kitchen, I let my thoughts go to the paring knife. The relief that would come from that would be instant but fleeting. The shame would come shortly after. It always did.

This time, I had to fight it. I couldn’t rely on someone else to be strong for me. I had to find that strength inside myself. When it all was stripped away, it was me I was left with, and that girl I had been was grown up now. I could overcome the past. It was time to conquer my demons.

The library was busy today, and that helped keep me from getting inside my own head. I focused on each task at hand and didn’t try and work through what had happened this morning. When I had first gotten to work, I had almost texted Micah that I was sorry—twice—but I’d turned my phone off and put it in the back office so I wouldn’t be tempted to pull it out in a moment of weakness.

I had nothing to apologize for. He did. I loved the man, but I needed to love myself too. Not cutting this morning had been a milestone for me. In the past, that would have sent me down a spiral. It made me feel stronger, walking out of the apartment this morning without hurting myself. It had been a small step, but it was giving me the will to take more.

“Do you mind running this book over to Professor Nobleman?” Zander asked as he held out a thick textbook to me. “I would, but there are five more books I need to pull for other inquiries.”

I took the book. “I got it,” I assured him. “Any other books I need to deliver?”

He shook his head. “Not at the moment.”

The art building was half a mile away, but with the traffic and parking, it would be faster to walk it over there. Heading out the door and down the steps, I realized too soon that walking alone was going to give me time to think about Micah. I tried to think about the essay I had to write for my psychology class and the dynamic with my mom as the point of interest. She’d never read it, so I should be safe from getting my earful.

The sun was extra bright, and I squinted as I stopped at the crosswalk. I wished I’d grabbed my sunglasses. This was sure to give me a headache. My eyes were sensitive. At least the pain of a migraine would dull everything else. Like the constant, heavy ache in my chest that Micah had left there.

“Dolly?” A female voice called out my name.

I turned to see Calista walking from the library parking lot in my direction. She was wearing a pair of skintight jeans, a sleeveless red blouse, and high-heeled black boots. Her long blonde hair was blowing in the breeze, and I hated that she reminded me of a shampoo commercial.

Why was she here? Had Micah sent her to explain things to me?

I held on to that hope tightly as I waited for her to reach me.

“Can I help you?” I asked her when she stopped in front of me with that perfect white smile of hers.

“Yes, I came to talk to you. Do you have a minute?”

“I’m taking this book to a professor, but I can spare a few seconds,” I replied, unable to keep the dislike from my tone.

“I shouldn’t have bothered you at work. It’s just that Micah told me you saw my text, and I feel terrible about you thinking it meant something it didn’t. He said for me not to worry about it, but I can’t help it. You seem awfully sweet, and”—she paused and gave me a small, apologetic smile—“Micah is…well, Micah. He doesn’t think about women’s feelings. I’ve been dealing with some things, and Micah listened to me last night. He’s always known me better than anyone else, and we…we’ve always had a connection. Time and distance haven’t changed that. He was able to help me with things and clear my head. Nothing more happened.”

Every word that came out of her mouth felt like the paring knife in my kitchen was slicing away at my skin all on its own. I stood there, listening to the only woman Micah had loved tell me they had a connection and he’d helped her with things last night. Listened to her. Been with her. Even if they hadn’t physically done anything, he’d emotionally been with her. In a way he never had with me.

“I see,” I replied because any other words would be too hard to verbalize.

“I still love him. I always will,” she told me. “And to be fair, I want you to know that’s why I came back.”

What little hope I had left, the strands I had been clinging to, all snapped free at that moment. I stood there, staring up at the woman who could take Micah from me. Who would take Micah from me. I would be left with nothing but memories of a one-sided love affair, and he’d forget me.

I just nodded. No words would come.

What would I say even if they did? I couldn’t claim him and fight back. You couldn’t fight for something you never had.

She, on the other hand, could. She’d had everything I wanted, and she was back to take it.

She slid her sunglasses down over her eyes. “I just wanted to clear the air. I know you’re important to Pepper, and I don’t want her upset with me. I thought at least smoothing things over with you would aid in that.”

Still, I said nothing.

“I’ll let you get back to work,” she replied, then turned and walked away.

I stood there, watching her go. Not moving. Unaware of the world around me. I had to snap out of it. I knew I did.

Turning, I stepped out onto the road as the anguish of all I had almost had and already lost sank in. The honk of the horn and the sound of screeching tires barely registered in my head. Physical pain radiated through my entire body, and then the blackness rushed over me. I clung to it, thankful for blessed relief.