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SHANDIE
I could do it. Why did I have to give myself a pep talk every time I needed to leave the house? At that point, it was only once a month, but still. Twelve pep talks a year? I couldn’t do anything without one.
Leaving the house shouldn’t be hard for a grown woman – a woman who could pay her own bills and have her own job. I could do this! Come on, Shandie. You can do this.
Usually, I scheduled the days I would leave the house well in advance so I would be prepared to leave, but this time my appointment was scheduled on a day Colin couldn’t meet me.
There were no stalkers or killers after me. I wasn’t that exciting. I had no idea where my paranoia came from. I lived in Sandpoint, Idaho for crying out loud. I think the last time someone died of unnatural causes the death made national news. I couldn’t remember the details but the death wasn’t from foul play.
Or so they presumed. I wasn’t saying something did happen, I’m just saying no one knows for absolutely certain that there was nothing else involved.
What was I afraid could happen? I wasn’t sure. There were too many possibilities. If I looked at it from a rational perspective, I know my odds of getting mugged were lower than my chances of running into Viggo Mortensen at the bakery. But my logical side and my emotional side didn’t usually get along.
People triggered a panic attack. It was plain and simple.
Back to the needed pep talk.
Okay.
I could do this.
I stood at my front door, my laptop bag slung across my shoulder with my hands gripping the strap as if it was my lifeline. Honestly, it might be. I did not want to leave the house. I went through this every time.
Why hadn't my Xanax kicked in yet? Maybe I better ask my home-visiting therapist for a stronger prescription.
I reached up and pressed on my eyes with my free hand. I could do this. I had to get to the office. I was expected at my job. All month I worked from home, but once a month I was expected to go in for a meeting with the company owner, Colin Davies. She didn’t mind visiting me here, but usually we had things to talk about at her office that she couldn’t cart over to me. She saved everything for our monthly meetings.
Finally, what could’ve been two hours after I took the stupid pill but was more like twenty minutes, the edge of anxiety receded. I took a deep breath and reached for the door knob.
I could do this.
Walking to my car and climbing in wasn't the hard part. It was leaving behind the safety and silence of my home.
I got to the ClickandWed office building where it lorded over the northern corner of 3rd Avenue above the Panhandle Coffee and Cones. I’d never been inside the small ice cream parlor.
The car was easy to maneuver into a parking spot. I turned off the engine and gave myself another pep talk. I was twenty minutes early. I always had to leave about an hour before so I had time to talk myself into going.
Driving to the office took only three minutes from my house.
I took a deep breath and grabbed my laptop, but I stayed in my seat and counted to thirty-one. What an odd number, but it was my favorite prime number – thirteen backwards.
Thirty. Thirty-one. I jumped from the car, slamming the locked door and running up the office stairs as fast as I could. I avoided contact with anyone who might be on the stairwell or in the hallway. I didn’t want to talk to anyone I might see on the street. People. I liked to pretend I was allergic to them in clumps – like pollen in the spring.
I stopped at the top of the stairs and tried to focus on the fact that I had taken a Xanax and I should still be calm. It shouldn’t have worn off this soon. Twenty minutes. An hour. It didn’t matter. I’d pop another in the meeting, if it went over a couple hours.
Taking another deep breath, I exhaled through my lips. If I continued at this rate, I would soon pass out.
The whole ClickandWed office made up three large rooms which included a reception area, a conference room and Colin’s office.
I pulled open the main door and walked through, allowing the panel to shut behind me. I stopped, backing up to press my shoulder blades against the hardwood of the door.
Why did they have to keep redecorating? What was wrong with leaving the furniture and decorations the same between each month? It’s not like there's anything wrong with how they had it before, or the time before that, or even before that. The change of environment threw me off and I could feel my heart rate speeding up.
I took stock of what was familiar as I counted softly in my head. Red curtains – one. Black and white checkered rugs – two. A large banner of the company logo on the wall – three.
Carlisle - four. I narrowed my eyes when I inventoried his broad shoulders. He stood at the contemporary architecture desk, leaning over paperwork I couldn’t identify from across the room. His dark hair fell across his forehead when he glanced over his shoulder and squinted at me. “Shandie Watson. Is it that time of the month already?” He looked down, missing my glare.
I wanted to talk to him about as much as I wanted to be outside of my house. Every time he spoke I swear he used double meanings.
Ignoring him, I didn't say anything and pretended the other office assistant wasn’t there as I walked passed her.
It wasn't fair Carlisle was friendly and good looking. He rounded the corner and came toward me. I slid to the side, trying to avoid any contact with him. He held out a cup of coffee, steam rising from the caramel colored liquid. “You had sugar and cream last time. I hope that is still how you like it.” His eyes. Dang it. I didn’t like being taken unaware and with my defenses down and partially drugged, I was vulnerable. Not my favorite way to talk to men – or women – or rocks.
My gaze flicked from his entrancing smile to the cup and back at him. I couldn't take the drink from him. There was no way. I couldn’t lift my hand on my own, not toward him. My throat started to close as panic welled inside me.
Carlisle reached down and lifted my empty hand. He pressed the cup into my curved fingers and arched his eyebrows. “Normal people say thank you.” His gentle reproach stung, eliciting shame that didn’t mix well with my anxiety.
I mumbled something that may or may not have been thank you and pushed through to Colin’s office. At least that room hadn’t changed.
Would I ever be able to control my breathing? I clutched at the base of my throat, my chest rapidly rising and dropping. If I didn't calm down, I would spill coffee all over the place. My defenses were up and my instinct to hide was overwhelming. Unfortunately, Colin didn’t have any blanket forts in her office.
Colin swiveled in her seat from the window overlooking the large lake scene. She smiled when she saw me. “Shandie. I’m so glad you could make it. I’m sorry for the last minute change in plans. Thank you for accommodating me. I know how hard this must be for you. Tomorrow... I just...” She shook her head gracefully, as she motioned for me to claim the seat across from her.
Had the anniversary come up again so soon? I’d only been concerned with my own problems and forgot to consider what could possibly force Colin to change anything she’d planned.
Colin continued. “Come on in. I'm excited to do this. I’ve wanted to get on this project for a while now, as you know.”
I hated going to the office, but once I settled in and focused on my job – secure in Colin’s office with just her and I, I actually didn’t mind being there. Colin had a strict rule that we weren’t to be interrupted under any circumstance and that helped a lot with my anxiety.
Not one to leap to lying, as much as Carlisle bugged me with his easy-going nature and obvious social-prowess, he was the only person besides Colin who wasn't turned away by my antisocial behavior. Honestly, he wasn't bad on the eyes either. Seeing him every once in a while was definitely a plus. Too bad I had to be drugged and tense every time I saw him.
“We need to go over the bulk of the website. I would like to see it have more power. I’ve already purchased more server space for that. I would also like to upload a lot of these testimonials that the previous couples have been sending me. Can we add an option for the international sites to click in as well? I think spreading availability to the UK as well as Canada and Australia will be a good place to start on this particular project.” Colin jumped in. She hated wasted time on chit chat as much as I did. One of many reasons I respected her like I did.
“It's going good so far. Have there been any complaints? I haven't noticed any matches that have been declined. Is that something we’re concerned about? The statistics show that as more people are matched, and are willing or able to make the investment, they are actually willing to try it.” The whole concept was one I loved more than coding. I couldn’t believe mail order brides was an old concept that Colin had made new again. She’d given it a contemporary twist so many people could use.
I know I was one of them. Unfortunately, I was too close to the project. It probably wasn’t ethical that I try it. Plus, no one wanted to be with someone who literally couldn’t leave the house.
Colin tapped the top of her desk with the end of a pencil and leaned back, crossing her legs. She considered me with narrowed eyes. “Are you interested in getting married, Shandie?”
I laughed, uncomfortable with the question. “Of course. Who isn’t interested in being in love? But, as you know, I can't leave the house. And, let's be honest, it's not like I'm going to marry my neighbor. He's ninety-two. I don't care how many times he hits on me when I take my garbage out, I'm not marrying the guy.” I said it jokingly, but taking out my garbage took a lot of nerve and he seemed to watch me because every time I did it, there he was with some kind of a sick pickup line. I usually waved my hand and ducked back inside.
“All right, I can understand why you won’t date – at least around here. Have you considered trying the app? Before lowering the price, I need to make sure everything is going to work okay. For instance, I need to make sure I can even match an agoraphobic computer programmer. Can your program do that?” She winked at me, but her challenge was clear. Could my program match the most difficult of clients?
I took a moment to consider her. I didn't want to get matched at least to the extent that I was doing it to prove a point about my work. I didn't want to get married and see just how much rejection I could get. I'd been down that road before. Every time I tried online dating programs, I was stuck at my house while they were trying to meet with me in town.
My interest was low on dealing with rejection anymore. The online dating sites had never worked which was why I had agreed to help with an online marriage site.
Rejection aside, one thing I did know and had complete confidence in was that my program’s execution and performance was flawless. I lifted my chin and smiled. “My program will match anyone who signs up, if they have a match signed up on the computer. If they don’t have a match, the site isn’t going to conjure one up for them. You can't say that there's gonna be someone for me to be matched to who is just waiting on the database or even that someone is going to come on with the year. That’s a guarantee you can’t make and one I wouldn’t be foolish enough to back up.”
She didn’t seem perturbed by my talk about expectations or what was logical for her to expect. Colin swung back and forth as she watched me, her lazy movement deceptively calm. Nothing Colin did was meaningless or without a purpose. Her silence scared me. What did she have brewing in that head of hers?
After a long moment of thinking, she stopped moving and leaned over the legal pad in front of her. “So what? You won’t try? You’re going to lock yourself away in that house of yours and just not try? You can’t give up on yourself, Shandie. You deserve better than that.” Luckily, Colin was my friend as well as my boss.
I took work from her on a contractual basis but she paid me a base salary that went up when she needed an intensive job done. I pretty much came up with things to do and she paid me every month. The arrangement allowed me to stay home and not have to go outside and deal with other people. I cleared my throat.
Colin waved her hands and cut me off. “Your marital status isn’t my problem. My concern I want dealt with is site accuracy. If it’s high enough, I can go international. That's what I want. I need that to be a for sure thing. I'll deal with the hassles and legalities of going across borders, but what I need to know is if it can cross cultural boundaries and phobias as well. Do you see what I’m asking you for?”
I met Colin’s gaze. Was I sure my program could do what she wanted? Design I could do. What I needed was solid parameters Colin used as matching guidelines. She had to give me the updated ones so I could improve the algorithms that would decide if the matches were good or not.
From what I'd seen so far, based on the performance of the program, Colin had nothing but success behind her and her secret parameters. I had no idea how she came up with them, but their simplicity astounded me.
So far, her compatibility scores were good, but I needed them to be higher before they were something I’d consider to take on myself. “If we could get the scores to ninety-six percent higher or more, I would consider signing up myself.”
Colin smiled and finished spinning on her seat. “I’m going to hold you to that.”
