| |
SHANDIE
Carlisle had asked what if and I hadn’t had an answer except to accept the match? Deep down I was excited. We’d grown to be friends and a large part of my anxiety disappeared since my control wasn’t in question. I knew Carlisle and he understood my situation. Sounded like a great match to me.
Plus, with my program in question, I had to put up or shut up. If I didn't go through with the match, would I be saying no to my program? Would I be showing I had no confidence in my design? I'd been matched to Carlisle. We were matched well and I would bet my life on it.
Would I still able to think about my program and the matches as if they were 100% right, if Carlisle and I weren’t really a match? Could I question my match to Carlisle without questioning my program? I didn’t think I could separate the two. Not at that point. Plus, there had to be more terrifying things than marriage to Carlisle with his deep eyes and engaging smile. Of course, there was anxiety swirling around in my chest, coaxing with simple fear at the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. That was the biggest thing – fear of being alone.
I couldn’t help but think that if we tried, even if we were the perfect match, he would get sick of my anxiety. What if I let him in and he left me because of no fault of my own? I couldn’t control my anxiety. I tried. I didn’t want to live like this, but it was the only way to live.
What if I fell for Carlisle? I’d never been in love. I've never been in love to the point where I was willing to let someone in and I wasn’t even sure I could do that. Even if I did love him at some future point, could I believe in that possibility enough to let him into my home? I was comfortable with him there while we worked, but that was with the knowledge that he would go home at some point.
Would that change if I knew he wasn’t going anywhere? I had a spare room upstairs, but would that be enough for him? My mind was running a million codes a second as I considered the ins and outs of what we were contemplating, of what we had agreed to do. I needed to think things through more carefully.
Of course my program was right. I slapped my hand on the table between us, lifting my gaze to his. “If we do this, I mean, now that we’ve done it, we... I mean, you...” I needed to take a deep breath. “I mean, I can’t go to your apartment. You’ll have to move in with me. Is that going to be a problem?”
He shook his head from side to side slowly. “I already agreed to do that with whoever I was matched with. Should I keep my apartment?”
Did he keep his place? We had to decide to go full tilt toward the arrangement and treat it like it was real or not. One way or the other, we had to commit. I spoke slowly and increased in speed as I grew more confident with my answer. “I think so, but it depends on just how committed we want to be to this. You’ll need to get rid of it, just like you were moving across the country. If you don't, then you always have the option to go somewhere. We need to do this for real, if we’re going to. I can make room for you here. It’s a huge house for one person.” I couldn’t believe I was doing that.
He studied me as if I was hiding a deep secret he couldn’t decipher. “I’ll make sure all the steps are triggered. We can do them just like they are on the platform.” He scraped his chopsticks on the bottom of his almost empty box.
Shaking my head, I smiled. “You don't need to do that. I made some changes in the algorithm so it would automatically send the instructions and trigger the tasks. You can continue with your job and not be bothered by this part anymore.” I finished eating and watched the way he crumpled the napkin in his hands.
We took care of our garbage while we both considered our new situation. We had just gone from co-workers to fiancées and no one had gotten down on one knee. I followed him to the front door and held it open while he walked down the path. He didn’t say goodbye, just walked quietly to the door of his car.
Before I could close the door or wonder what had happened, he stopped and walked deliberately back to the door. Placing a hand above my head on the door, Carlisle leaned toward me, his breath faintly sweet from the pineapple sweet and sour sauce. “For what it's worth, I'm your match. I’m looking forward to this.” He stared at my lips and then back up into my eyes, getting closer while watching for my reaction.
I didn’t want to wait anymore, I lifted my hands and rested them softly on his chest, looking up into his eyes. Gently, our lips touched with comfort and reassurances and a hint of heat to come.
He smiled when we parted, side-grinning as he waved and went to the car.
Closing the door, I couldn’t smother my smile. The faint sound of the car engine reached me. I pressed my back against the panel, sliding down the door and leaning my elbows on my knees.
I was getting married. My parents were nowhere around and the man was supposed to be my perfect match and he made me slightly breathless.
What had I gotten myself into?
